Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I don't know what to do (long)
Hi everyone. My name is Clara and I'm 31. My husband Rob and I have been married 10 years.
Multiple times throughout our marriage, I have found either porn or photos of half-naked models on the computer. I have spoken to him about how it makes me feel and he always apologizes and says it will stop. The problem mostly lies in the fact that our sex life has been hot and cold. He knows I always want sex but he never initiates and frequently when I do, he turns me down with an excuse. So to find out that he is doing this instead hurts.
A week ago we had gone away for our 10th anniversary. I am pregnant with our first and things have been going well. While the sex has still been infrequent, I understand that it likely has something to do with the pregnancy. But I have been "taking care of him" if you know what I mean.
Anyway, we were out at a restaurant and we both had our cellphones out. I was getting spotty reception so I asked if he could open the Internet browser in his phone for a minute. At first he didn't want to, which was weird, but then he finally did and tried to turn the screen away from me. I leaned over and the page he was trying to get away from had photos of a half-naked model. Things went downhill from there.
We left the hotel early the next morning. On the day of our anniversary. On the way home in the car I told him I can't believe that just when I start trusting him again the same thing happens. I don't know if I will ever trust him again. He keeps getting upset saying that it won't happen again and can't understand why I can't just let it go. I can't understand why he is feeling sorry for himself when he brought it on himself--instead of caring that he hurt his pregnant wife. Yes, my hormones likely make everything feel worse now, but I really feel like he will never change.
I just don't know what to do.
Re: I don't know what to do (long)
I think your choices are to live with your H's interest in porn (accept it fully) or not live with it (leave). The ball appears to be solidly in your court on this one, so choose carefully and act accordingly.
There is no set of magic words that TIP can tell you to utter that will make him stop doing this.
ETA: Have you tried talking to him about the sex-drive issues without making it into a conversation about porn? But rather just a conversation about you and him? Have you simply had a conversation where each of you says how frequently you would like to have sex with the other person, and then compared how close/far apart those numbers are?
He wont ever change because you have made it perfectly clear there are no consequences for his choices.
Now imo the problem is not a few pictures it is the lying or blowing you off in your concerns. He should have been honest and had an honest conversation with you about his pictures, not just blown oyu off and said oh, ill never do it again. Most women here can tell you that line is just that a line. You need to come to an agreement you both can handle truthfully.
Everyones sex lives run hot and cold after years together, and you may be associating one issue with another, for no reason. His looking at picutres may have nothing to do with the sex you two are having or not having.
Unless you sit down like 2 adults and talk about it nothing will get better or change.
How did you act or respond when you first found pictures> Did you embarrass him, or treat him like he was a 5 year old that did something wrong?
Everyone has their own opinions on what is acceptable in their marriage and from their partner or not. If this was a deal breaker for you, you should have talked about it and settled it before you got married and certainly before you got pregnant. You yelling and crying at him and him saying oh ill never do it again does not count as a discussion.
Some guys like porn, others don't care about it. As for the "half naked models" I think you're making too much of a big deal over it. I am guessing you probably have a self esteem problem --- my opinion: they're bony and they've gotten this sucked out and that implanted. I don't see what's sexy about the entire lot of them.:)
Your 2 problems: the fact that he broke a promise to you and your sex life.
If he was like this before you got married as far as the sex department goes, you knew what you were in for if you stayed with him. If you knew about this back then before you were married you should have moved on if sex was important to you -- you and he were sexually incompatible.
Have you sat down and spoken to him about the fact you want more sex? If not, do it -- he needs to meet you halfway on this.
Since there's a trust issue, I suggest counseling for you and for him.
I do not think he will stop looking at porn. I don't know what you can do about that.
Is porn a deal breaker for you? I mean...it seems that it's not, because you're still with him. But it does seem to upset you quite a bit. Bottom line: you need to accept his porn habits or leave, because he is not going to change that.
Was he doing this before you got married? Did you discuss it before you got married?
Clearly porn is important to him. Clearly, this is not something that you are going to get to change.
You need to decide whether you want to live with a husband who looks at pornography. This is a personal decision, and none of us can tell you how to feel about it. Some of us here on TIP share porn with our husbands. Some of us know our husbands look at it but don't want to know about it. And some of us are not comfortable with it at all.
It is up to you to decide how you feel and where to go with it. But know that it is obvious that he is not going to change. Keep that in mind when you are considering this.
My Lunch Blog
He wasn't like this before we got married. Well, as far as I know anyway. And our sex life was great for the first 3 years of marriage. I don't know if things got stale (though I have always tried to keep things exciting).
The first time I found stuff on the computer it was because he had t learned to clear the history. I was looking for a site I had been to a day or two before when I saw what he had been doing. This was around a time when our sex life first started to taper off. I asked him why he was looking at it when I was right here and willing. He didn't have an explanation.
From that point on I tried to initiate more frequently. There have been times over the years when things have gotten better. However, it seems like when I have begun to trust him again something like this (finding the images) will happen again.
Before I got pregnant, things had been great for over a year. As far as I knew he was it doing it anymore. But he also has his own laptop and cellphone with Internet. I don't snoop so I had no idea if anything was going on. When this most recent incident happened it hit me like a ton of bricks.
Maybe from time to time I feel insecure (I'm not bad looking at all but I do not look like a Victoria's Secret model either) so the fact that he is looking at these women makes me feel hurt. And he knows I enjoy sex and I try to initiate as often as possible but it's like he just doesn't want it (is tired etc.)
I guess I should mention that he works nights and I work days so maybe opposite schedules have complicated things. I just feel like why choose that when you have a willing wife?
I want to trust him again I just don't know how.
Bony and full of plasitc and too much lipo and other surgical alterations. Yuk.
I suggested a self esteem problem --- and I suggest you write a "brag sheet". A guy I know who is a job counselor has suggested this to his clients; write down every great thing you have done from the time you were a kid up until now -- include everything, including the bit part you had in a show in grammar school where you got a nice chunk of applause from the audience.:) I guarantee you you'll feel great when you're done with compiling your accomplishments. (you should have a novella by the time you are done)
Simply put, it sounds like you are conflating these models and yourself, and I'm willing to be your H is not. Men like to look at women, and so much so that the more the better. That being said, your communication problems are real, and bad communication in a relationship often interferes with sexual intimacy.
Don't you ever look at a dessert menu in a restaurant just because it's fun, even though you have no intention of ordering anything? Would you really want to have to answer to someone else as to why you felt doing so was just harmless indulgence?
Multiple times throughout our marriage, I have found either porn or photos of half-naked models on the computer.
I want to trust him again I just don't know how.
You can't/you wont because the 2 of you obviously have communication issues. Both of you sticking your heads in the sand for 10 years hasnt worked has it?
How do we fix communication issues? Do you have any suggestions as to where we can start? I've told him it hurts me. I've asked him why. I've asked him what I can do. He never has any answers. Every time I have taken him at his word that it won't happen again. I obviously do not want to throw away 10 years of marriage especially when we have a baby on the way. I love him--I wouldn't be so upset if I didn't. He says he loves me but has no explanation as to why it keeps happening.
The way to fix communication issues is to go to joint therapy and learn what it takes to communicate well.
Would it bother you so much if you had a sex life that you felt was sufficient for you?
Personally I don't see the big deal with someone looking occasionally at pictures of naked people but I have also been with people that had porn addictions and sometimes preferred to watch porn rather than be with me. That is a problem.
During counseling, you can both become more honest with each other and learn to find a balance in your relationship. The lying to you is really the issue here. Ask him to go with you and start working on making your relationship better. Better communication should also lead to a better sex life. Good luck!
The trust issue is big and that is something that might have to be handled professionally by talking to a therapist to find out why he thinks he has to lie. You wrote the bigger problem is his lack of initiating sex and turning you down. I can see why this can damage your self esteem, especially while pregnant. Comparing yourself to VS models or anyone else isn't helping you. This is not about you it is about him.
He is feeling sorry for himself, because you caught him and he can only manipulate it to be the victim and make you the bad guy for wanting to discuss the problem. I am not saying he is a bad guy for looking at porn, but because he continued after saying he would stop. Is this a deal breaker?
Ask him to sit down and calmly talk about this, if he refuses you have your answer on whether he wants to work on your marriage. Either way, please for your own sake talk to a therapist.
Counseling could help you learn how to communicate without accusing, making each other feel guilty etc. TELL him you want to go to counseling, tell him you NEED to go to counseling...you might want to do counseling for yourself separately as well.
I'm sure he likes looking at porn and you are making him bad for something he likes to do, even though he knows it makes you feel self conscious and bad. You need to learn how to compromise, or find a guy who doesnt like porn. I dont think he will ever completely stop looking at it. If you cant live with that than you have to decide. You see it is easier for him to make empty promises, then to give it up.
I think you're trying to correlate the porn with what's going on in your sex life. They are two separate issues. As others have stated, sex lives ebb and flow over time. It's natural. If you want more sex, then have a conversation about it. Don't make it about the porn. A therapist can help you two find a better way to communicate.
As for the porn issue, I'm with fuss here. It's something he enjoys because men like to look at naked women (I like to look at naked men). It's not a referendum on your attractiveness etc. If it bothers you, so be it, it's not my place to tell you what your feelings should be on this issue. But I am going to tell you that you have three options here, and three options only. Either you accept that he likes to look at eye candy occasionally, you make it a deal breaker and leave, or you keep fighting about this issue for the rest of you marriage, slowly growing to resent each other. A lot of people choose that latter option and it's a miserable way to live. If you choose to stay and accept him, a therapist can help you reach a compromise and boundaries. If it is ultimately a deal breaker for you, then a therapist can help you move forward.
Keep in mind that there isn't going to be a fourth option here - that he magically sees the light and stops looking at porn. He's not going to change who he is.
I think this quote really gets at the heart of the problem. You assume he is choosing porn over you, and he doesn't see it that way. It's natural for your sex life to ebb and flow over time, and just because you're having sex less frequently doesn't mean he is choosing "other women" when you're right there.
Here's another way to think about it: men and women both like to masturbate. If you're in a little sex rut in your relationship and your partner catches you masturbating, is it fair to say you chose masturbation over him? They're two different things, and sometimes you want to have sex but other times you want a quick solo session.
And he likely won't stop looking at VS models in the future, so you have to decide if it's a deal breaker. If not, I'd strongly suggest not equating porn and your sex life--he isn't comparing you to those girls, he isn't saying "I could have sex with my wife, OR maybe I will look at a porn lady instead!" It sounds like it isn't really the porn that bothers you anyhow, it's the fact that you aren't feeling sexually satisfied--so bring that up in a separate conversation!
I always think it's so weird when I hear these types of stories, as I could give a fluck how my DH masturbates and I would be ripshit if he tried to tell me how I should/shouldn't masturbate. As long as he's not cheating, he can do whatever he wants and vice versa.
That being said, he shouldn't be lying to you. I think at ths point you need to come to terms with the fact that your H likes porn and has no intention of stopping. You can either accept that or end the relationship. If you stay, you should talk through your concerns about the lying. And I also suggest you get counseling. I also think you may have self esteem issues. Your DH's interest in porn and his interest in you likely aren't correlated (unless he's addicted, which it doesn't sound like he is).
First of all, I am sorry you are going through this. There is no good time to have to go through a situation like this, especially during pregnancy.
I don't know you. I don't know if you overreacted. What I will tell you is that yes, it seems to me, based on what you shared, your husband has a real problem with pornography. I have not had to deal with this in my marriage but I have known a couple of women who have ended their marriage because of this issue. This is no small issue, nor something you should just learn to accept and live with. It is very damaging to a relationship and will eventually destroy it.
This does not seem like a man who can watch porn once in a while. It sounds to me like he has a serious problem with this and will stop at nothing to feed his addiction from whatever source he can get his hands on. This destroys intimacy in a relationship. This has nothing to do with your self esteem or lack thereof.
Thank you Mrs Heldstab for sharing your personal story and giving the OP some insight on what she is up against.
Ditto the advice that if porn is a dealbreaker, than there's nothing wrong with feeling that way and Clara, you should seek a divorce. But the drama is a bit silly. Nothing in the OP indicates a problem - it's a guy who likes to look at naked women (shocker) and does so on occassion. Blaming the lack of sex - especially when you're pregnant - soley on him looking at VS models (which really isn't porn anyway) is off.
Men like porn. I don't get the big deal about prohibiting it.
Moslty, I see Nesties wrap-up the objection in saying "we" agreed not to do it, he promised no more - so its more of a cover-up objection .. but really it seems obvious that the objection is the looking at the porn bit.
He likes it, you like him - don't get bent about it. Do insist that your intimacy and needs be fulfilled as well. Work on THAT. Not hiding from each other - GET what you need from each other, even if that include pictures of nude woman. There isn't a Billion dollar market of it because guys don't want to see it.
And you know what state porn is viewed/downloaded from the most - out of 50 states?? UTAH. Repressed much?