Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I hate being married!
I haven't even been married 3 months and I am miserable! I feel like NONE of the "newlywed things" have happened with my husband and I! There is NO romance, very little affection and I am so sad all the time.
What do I do? I dread talking to friends or family for fear of being compared to K.K or being told "you just need to be happy".....because I have tried but it is NOT working 
Re: I hate being married!
What "newlywed things" were supposed to happen?
What exactly are you unhappy with in your marriage?
We barely have sex, there is very little affection or romance and I don't feel at all like there is any excitement for being newlyweds.......no "magic". It's just everyday life all the time
Don't get me wrong, I never expected things to be a fantasy fairytale or anything like that...but I am just so sad because I feel like we aren't sharing any of the things that people always see and roll their eyes and say "oh newlyweds" at. My SIL is STILL in that honeymoon phase with her hubby of 18 months even with their new baby and 5 older kids from their previous marriages.
I just don't know if this was the right decision.........
No....we were much happier and had that "spark".....and that was during the same time he was finishing a PhD which is an extremely stressful process.
I don't know what happened to that "spark"
How old are you two?
How long did you date before you got married?
Do you know if he's feeling the same way as you are?
It would be easier for people to know if they've experienced what you did if you went into more detail.
Have you talked to him about this?
I have asked him "are you happy we are married" and "do you regret getting married" straight out and he always says he is very happy and doesn't regret it at all and is looking forward to all the things we have ahead of us.
You are coming down off of the wedding hype.
Talk to your husband directly & tell him how you feel.
Where are your expectations coming from? Relax. Things will pick back up if you talk to your husband. Part of the spark is intimacy. Let him in on how you feel & realize that you don't have to have champagne & roses to be happy all the time.
Was your H the romantic type or whatever before you married?
@Betty
You are wrong about "coming down from wedding hype"....we were not the wedding hype type of couple...we had a great wedding with lots of friends and family but it was NEVER a hyped up event or something that we became consumed with....it was just a fun relaxed celebration. We moved across the country and he was doing his PhD right up until the wedding so had LOTS of things happening that were far more time consuming than the wedding for us.
Like I said, I did not expect it to be champagne and roses all the time....but it hasn't even been like that at all! I am not one of those girls who is having "post-wedding" blues!
He was the romantic type before we married....which I hope would come back after the time consuming stuff of moving, degree and wedding was done but it has not.
Okay, so in the last 4 months, you've had:
wedding
cross country move
fininshed up his PhD
That's a lot. He may still be recovering.
When you talk to him, do you mention specific things, that have changed in your relationship, or do you just ask "are you happy?"
Have you tried asking things like "Why don't we do _____ any more?" or even saying "Hey, Bub, just because we're married doesn't mean you can slack off, in the romance department!"
If you haven't asked for it specifically, he may not know you want it. And also are you sure he's not having some "post-wedding blues"?
We lived togther for almost 2 years before getting married. honestly, after the honeymoon, things went right back to the way they had been. whatever "newlywed bliss" you were expecting isnt typical.
If you are unhappy... constantly, you need to talk to the hubby. Communication is absolutly the most important thing in any relationship. I say constantly because us gals, we get hormones going and feel like the whole world sucks for a few days out of every month. So if this is PMS, wait a couple days and see if the marriage still sucks. If it does, its talk time.
Either way, its time for a therapist!
I agree with most of this post except the bolded part. It is accusatory and suggestive that he is the problem. You are both married. You are married to each other. You are both responsible for being accountable to the needs of the marriage.
I am gathering that sex is a problem for you. You need to talk about it, with a therapist if necessary.
You may not think that you've got a wedding hangover, but it sounds like you do. All that free time and expectations of newlywed bliss is adding up to disappointment, to say the least. I mean, you titled this post "I hate being married". Kind of harsh.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Have things drastically changed since the wedding or have your expectations changed? There's quite a difference between those two things.
Not only are you coming off the wedding hype (you DO sound like you are) but also the post graduated period and after a move. Calm down woman!
If your husband was the romantic type before all this happened then odds are he'll pick back up to his usual routine once he has recovered. If you want a romantic night in then let him know that you are planning one. Light some candles, leave him a sexy note in his wallet or car-- when he gets home show up wearing nothing but an apron and get it on. Then lay there and drink champagne or something.
You sound a little bit histrionic and that is coming from me. I tend to be overly dramatic and sensitive too. If I am telling you to calm down then you should probably listen, know what I mean?
3 mos, IMO, seems like an awfully short period of time to reconsider a man "who used to be the romantic type". People go through phases. The longer you are married, the more of this you'll see & understand. I agree w/PP's that said that a wedding, moving and him finishing up his Phd is A LOT to accomplish.
The "wedding hype" that everyone is referring to, is just that while you're planning your wedding you're not only very busy but it's also such a "magical" time of planning for your's & DH's day where everyone celebrates you - that attention is all on you. I'm not saying you're in need of too much attention, just trying to give some perspective.
For myself & DH, the year after our wedding was SO BORING! All we did was work, come home, sleep, eat, etc. It was just such a day in, day out routine. Then, one day, we ran into an old CW of DH's and he asked us how married life was going & we told him it was pretty basic and he goes, "You know life is good when it's "boring" or predictable". Those words stuck and the more I think about it, the more he was right!
Now, after celebrating anniversaries since then, I can tell you, it's a whole different ball game. There is so much that awaits you & your DH, don't rush it. You can create your own traditions, look forward to buying your 1st home (or rennovating if you currently own), having children, learning & exploring SO much more about eachother, etc. I'm telling you, it does get better!
First of all, asking him if he's happy isn't talking about it. Have you told him how you feel? Have you made any steps to change it? Have you tried date nights, or learning something new together, or anything? Or are you just moping about because things aren't like you thought they'd be?
Just gonna take a stab in the dark and ask this: Are you sure you're no longer happy because now your lives are becoming more stable and you miss the excitement of always being on the move and doing something new, accomplishing goals, being so preoccupied with other things?
Has your H found a job since finishing his PhD? You don't specify what field he is in, but for many if not most, leaving academia for the real world is way the f more stressful than defending a thesis. The poor guy may just be completely shell shocked by all the adult reality that has ben thrust upon him over the last 90 days. I would suggest cutting him some slack and asking him if he's stressed about his career or something else specific. Just throwing out an 'are you happy being married?' is frankly unfair.
Not sure what you were expecting. Marriage is every day stuff and being comfortable and supportive with each other. You might have had the "honeymoon" while you were living together before marriage.
Did you and your husband live together before you were married?
My husband and I did not so it was new to live together after the wedding, but also a bit of a struggle getting used to each other.
And I'm not sure what the expected "newlywed things" are to even determine if DH and I experienced those. I don't remember being more lovey-dovey after - that is just not in my husband or my genes. And I don't remember my friends being more lovey-dovey after the wedding - it just became a little harder to get together (because they now had 2 schedules to consider rather than 1).
Can you identify what makes you sad? Once you know the root cause then you can go after working on being more happy.
I think when we get married sometimes we expect more. I know after the honeymoon and there was no more of the fun exciting things that were going to happen we went back into daily life. Small things would get annoying and you just start thinking what did i get myself into. I have had friends from TK who also agree with me on this, I think it is a phase. You kinda just see that everything is ok and you go back to being happy. Did you say you lived together before you got married? If not that can take some time to get use to as well. I agree with other girls talk to DH maybe have a date night where you can talk and spend time together I think thsoe are important it just makes you feel that spark. I might be saying that bc DH and I did that tonight. LOL. I am so sorry you are feeling this way.
I have been married twice, my first experience was similar to what you are describing.. It was almost immediate that I was disappointed, even down to the honeymoon. For goodness sakes it was Jamaica.. I look back 5 years later, and realize that I without a doubt had unrealistic expectations. It is really hard to see when you're in it but they are there. Somehow, I had created a man in my mind that once married he would become. Our marriage never recovered from this. I also look back and realize I probably should have never married him in the first place. We truly weren't right for one another, he was not going to be the man I thought I would marry and partner with.
Now I am married again, 3 months in and very much in love with my husband. We have our moments but I wouldn't trade him in for anything.
But I had to come to the understanding that if he didn't do it before the wedding, he wasn't going to start after the wedding.
So I guess, if you want to save your marriage take a realistic look to see if you had unrealistic expectations of what a husband should be, or if he really wasn't the husband you wanted.
Finding that out can help you make the right decision for you.
Your marriage and how it turns out is solely based on your perception of what it is and how it is measuring up to your expectations.
Good Luck!
If you want romance, create romance. Don't blame some made-up nonsense for your dissatisfation. Other than this crap, are you happy?
My H and I have been married for almost two months now, and people also ask us "How's newlywed life?" The answer is, basically the same as before we were married, because we did live together for a year and a half before getting married. But I believe that living life together is really what it is all about.
In my experience, there are going to be times when you feel less connected with your spouse than others, but that is life. You have to make time for each other-I see marriage partly as a committment to do that. It really sounds like you do have a lot going on right now. Why don't you try to take some initiative and plan a dinner out or a movie night or whatever it is you want to do?
I've been married since 2003 and my husband still refers to us as "newlyweds", so take this as you will, but honestly I think you are expecting way too much from this guy. Everything you have described could be considered a huge life change, and you've done a bunch of it all at once.
I love my husband very much, but most of our life is quite boring. That's life. It's unrealistic to expect everything to be super exciting.
If your husband is happy, great. If you are UNHAPPY you need to tell him.