Starting Over
Floyd.B
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
what is the worst thing about being divorced?
regardless of if the good things outweigh the bad. Just tell me what sucks about it.
and go...
Floyd P. Bamker - can't spell
Re: what is the worst thing about being divorced?
For me, one big thing is that I feel like I cheapen the experience for someone else that I would get married to if it was there first time. Example- SO has never been married and he wants a big wedding. Since I already have I am really against about having a huge party.
Another thing is getting the sympathy "I'm sorry" from every person that finds out you are divorced. Example- I called my credit card company last night to finally change my name on the card and the guy asked me why and then preceded to be like, "Ohhh, I am so sorry." And since I am young, a lot of times if I request a name change in person the customer service person says, "Oh, well I will need to see your marriage license." Umm.. it is a divorce decree but I hope that works just the same. Azzholes.
In order, starting with the worst:
1. Telling him I wanted out.
2. Actually f.u.cking moving out. That was one of the worst days of my entire life.
3. The shame (even if unfounded) involved in telling some of my friends/family.
Everything else was relatively handle-able for me, but I don't have kids, and I realize that can complicate things in many ways.
Oh. I just realized your question is "what sucks about BEING divorced." I thought it was "what sucks about GETTING divorced."
I would like to change my answer.
NOTHING sucks about being divorced -- I f.u.ckin love it!
Okay, sometimes when people avoid talking about things with you because you're divorced, it kind of sucks. Or they are extra sensitive to you. Like you're watching a movie with friends, and someone gets divorced in it, and you can feel everyone kind of "watching" you to see if you're going to get emotional or have a bad reaction.
But that is more a lame thing than a "worst" thing.
Dealing with courts and XH, that sucks major balls. It's also been very expensive and emotionally draining to go through the entire process, especially dealing with XH's drug addiction and proving him unfit to the courts.
Aside from the legalities, what sucks most to me about being divorced is starting over. I thought I was done with the dating game, going out with my friends, trying to have a good time and pretending that I'm not sad to be going home alone, etc. But the truth is that it's pretty damn lonely sometimes. Most if not all of my friends are at least in committed relationships and that makes me feel like the odd one out. I also miss companionship and I wish that I could experience a more traditional family situation with DS, and eventually have more children.
Personally? It was a sh!tstorm of a first year.
Newborn twins with reflux that never slept, managing all the bills, mortgage and $400 of formula a month on my own, my now ex-h never seeing the girls, the manipulation & lies during the divorce, refinancing my house so I wouldn't foreclose, and having my car repossessed and without one for 7 months. Yep, that about sums it up.
But now? I'm so f'ing glad that I dealt with that the first year, because my life & the girls' lives are SO much better off. I'd say the only thing that I don't like is having to share my time with their father - which is really about 24 hours a month.
This and the being alone. Especially in settings where all my other friends are with their SOs.
This!
Divorce is like death in the family. I miss my companionship.
I've been working hard on the ?shame? thing and tell myself not to feel shame as that is more of self judgment and attitude rather than what other people are thinking. People are always going to have opinions based on their own belief system so it does not matter what they say because if they say anything, it is more about them and not me. But it sucks that I have to work hard on not taking anything personal and take care of myself. Recovering from divorce sort of feels like a huge test of how I react to situations and conversations so I almost feel like I have to walk on thin eggshells as everyone reacts differently to my situation. This shall pass soon and I can?t wait to start feeling like normal again.
Not spending every day with my kids.
(the high side to this is that I have them 4/7 days a week, and they rarely get angry or upset or "tired" of me. They are always happy to see me and we rarely have fits and the like)
But that is the hardest.
1. The silence. After my kids go to bed its just me left alone with my thoughts.
2. Never having any help with anything - bills, cooking, cleaning, etc. Not like my exH ever helped with any of that, but in theory he at least could have
3. single parenting
Kelly Monaghan's 5K - 5/15/11 - 3rd Place in AG
Walk the Talk 5K - 5/18/11 - 31:12 PR
Ridley Run 3.1 - 4/14/12 - 1st race of the year, 32:45
i think it's great being divorced. the only bad thing was i had to pay him 10K to get rid of him
Wait, are you me, just in the past? These are the three things that are KILLING me right now. I haven't done these three things (well, my friends know, for the most part, but neither of our families do), and I know that these things are going to be so, so awful.
#3 was not as bad as I thought it might be. My friends are nice people, and they didn't judge me or treat me poorly. My family is a we-don't-talk-about-uncomfortable-things-like-divorce kind of family, so there weren't too many discussions with them, but they also treated me kindly and were never, ever rude.
#1 and #2 are just things you have to muscle through. Bring tissues. Surround yourself with little things that make you happy. Remember to drink water.
You'll be fine!
being a single parent 24/7. I never have a day without having to barter with my parents or sisters to watch him for a few hours. Getting a weekend away is like asking for their soul. I also have to answer to questions from a 3 yr old as to where Daddy is.
Then once you get yourself together and have everything sorted out running like a well oiled machine, you start getting lonely. I miss having someone to cuddle up next to all night and then wake up with them in the morning. I also miss having someone to depend on during the dark times.
Amen sister. ITA.
For me, it's the shame I felt for a long time (even if unnecessarily), the pity looks I sometimes get when someone finds out I'm divorced at 25 (I hate those with a burning passion), and some of the idiot comments that come out of people's mouths. That, and the implication that because a young divorc?e, I'm somehow a train wreck.
Usually those are along the lines of "was it really that bad?/are you sure?/why did you marry him?/how did you miss the signs?". I want to sit them down and shake them, and then answer their questions in the following fashion: "Yes, it was that bad. I'm absolutely sure. I married him because he presented an entirely different person from the one he actually was. I missed the signs because he was damn good at hiding it, and my family missed them too, along with our friends. Abusers are good at that. It's what they do. This crap isn't always predictable or avoidable, so rather than judge me, be glad you haven't had he misfortune of dealing with it first hand."
It used to bother the crap out of me, and at times it's irritating as all hell. Fortunately, my friends and family are great, and I run into very little judgment overall.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
The absolute worst thing/s about being divirced to me is
1. Being alone. It drives me insane. The companionship
2. I was with the same man for 15 yrs and i guess I was not the woman he wanted children with. I want a child so bad.
3. The lifestyle I once had...
4. being ashamed
This too for me.
Me three.
And mindboggled, after reading your answers I just want to give you a hug. (((mindboggled)))
my ex made me feel bad about myself and it got worse when I kicked him out. I also felt like I was being judged, but I really just treated myself poorly and blamed myself for everything.
That said Floyd, divorce was the bes decision I've ever made and never regret it for one second
Yeah I've asked to change the name on my account and they say "Oooooh did you get married!?!?!" Nope, divorced. It doesn't really bother me, but I almost feel bad for making THEM feel badly about it haha. Even when it's random people. The nurse at my Dr's office was reading my chart and it had said I'd gotten married and I was like oh yeah but I'm divorced now and she looked SO sad for me. She said she was sorry, I just told her "I'm not" and smiled.
For me the worst part is having to date again and go through that process of finding someone. And the fear of marrying the wrong guy again. But even that isn't very bad, and ANYTHING is better than being married to XH.
Starting over when I thought I had it all set/figured out.
Watching everyone my age get married and the shame that comes with everyone knowing I failed.