Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Feeling trapped
I hope that I can find some advice here. I created this AE because I hate to say I find this whole situation to be embarrassing but I really don't know what to do. DH and I have been married for almost 3 years. In the beginning everything was really great then we moved away from all of my family back to DH hometown. It seems after we moved he has become a totally different person. I feel like I'm stuck here since I left things on a bad note with my parents when I stop attending college to move away with DH. I really do love my husband and want things to be like they were before but I don't feel this will be possible. Recently he has had his friends over all the time often there is drinking involved and I feel really uncomfortable by the conversations, comments and gestures they make. I've mentioned this to H and he says they are just being men and that I should appreciate that they are showing interest in me. The other night one of my husbands friends was over and kept making comments about me so my husband said he could have a chance if he wanted to. I did NOT want to sleep with him but my husband basically said either I do or find somewhere else to go for the night. So I did it. I feel sick and stuck. I'm not working so I have no money of my own, my car is in his name so I can't take it and leave and I can't call my parents because they are still upset about wasting money for me to go to school. I feel like I have no options. I don't know anyone here since I don't go out much and when I do its with H. I really don't know what to do, I don't want this to happen again but I have a feeling it will. I don't want a divorce, I just want to make things better with him but I don't know how.
Re: Feeling trapped
So what you're saying is, he thinks he owns you like you're a slave, and likes to show his ownership of you by pimping you out to his friends.
I'll bet your parents will be a lot less worried about the money than about getting you somewhere safe if they hear this story.
You're in an emotionally abusive relationship and your DH has successfully isolated you from everyone and everything. You're trapped because he did it on purpose.
I bet your parents are more concerned that he's completely taken you over and that you let him treat you poorly. Being mad about dropping out is a symptom, they're probably more mad you're married to someone who wouldn't support you finishing college. I bet if you call them they will help you out.
Re-enroll and get into therapy. I would bet he showed signs of being like this before, but you just didn't catch them and he charmed you into ignoring them. You can do better than this, no man who would pimp his wife out against her will is worth being with, ever.
If this post is for real,
I'm pretty sure your parents would be okay with coming to get you if you told them what happened. Be prepared to leave the guy though, things aren't going to get better if you're with someone who abuses you. It sounds like you had the fight with your parents because they were worried about you and your future and you wanted to do what you wanted to do. Go tell them that you messed up, I'm sure they'll help.
I'm interested in the background to all of this. How did the two of you end up moving to his hometown? Did he have a job opportunity that was so lucrative it warranted you dropping out of college, or did he just want to move back there? Why aren't you going to school or working now? Was this move something both of you wanted, or did he make the decision and you felt you had no choice but to go along?
I agree with everyone else that he is abusive and most likely deliberately isolated you from your support system. His friends are disgusting, and he is disgusting for thinking there is nothing wrong with them.
ETA: If this is the kind of thing they do among his group of friends, I highly doubt he hasn't slept with someone else. Please get yourself tested for STIs, and do whatever you need to do to get out of this situation- tell your parents everything. If you need help finding local resources, you might find some useful information on rainn.org.
Do you have a credit card?
Book a ticket for home asap. Take what you need and get out of there.
(if this isnt MUD)
I'm sorry to keep posting, but you have to understand that there is no making things better with someone like this. He is an evil person. He allowed his friend to rape you. You can't make things better with someone who doesn't even consider you a human.
WHAT?
Call your parents, you need to get out of that marriage ASAP. I am (almost) positive that they wouldn't hold a grudge against you if you needed help. And you need help to get out of this situation fast.
What the mother f.u.ck?
Did these two sentences come from the same person? In a span of less than 2 minutes?
What the mother f.u.ck?
Big EEEWWWWWW!!! at the fact that your husband, even if he meant it in jest, offered you to his friend.
You should never feel sexually harassed in your own home. You have the right to feel physically safe within your own four walls.
I agree with other posters that your parents will not abandon you if you call them and say "I have to get out of this house. I do not feel safe." You may have to deal with some "I told you so" but isn't that better than worrying every night that something is going to happen.
The other posters are also correct in that you must be prepared to leave PERMANENTLY if you put in an SOS call to your parents. They will not be willing to come and rescue you a second or third time if you are swayed by your husband's sweet talk and go running back.
Go and talk to a lawyer this week to determine what you might be entitled to if you decide to divorce your husband. You may get to retain your car and you may get spousal support for a limited period of time based on the length of your marriage. Most lawyers offer free consultations, so you can know your rights and make your plans accordingly.
I would be worried about what one of these friends might try late some evening in drunken stupor. I would make sure that you are always sober, take no sleeping pills or intoxicants and perhaps keep a weapon in your bedside table in in case one of them gets fresh with you.
Right? OP, you cannot make things better with someone like this, you just can't. You need to get out. I seriously doubt your parents will hold it against you if you explain this situation to them. No matter what has happened in the past no sane parent wants to see their child in this situation.
After reading your further information:
Your husband is trying to pimp you out. Why would you stay with a man like that?
I don't understand this sentence. Do you not have any deal breakers? Are you willing to accept any thing your H throws at you just so that you can remain married? What does marriage mean to you?
OP, I just wanted to tell you that if you leave him, you are not giving up on your marriage. The way he's treated you sounds like something out of a horror film- that's not a marriage. You don't deserve to be treated that way, and nobody who loved you would do that to you. I can't imagine the emotional abuse he has inflicted on you to get you to the point where you're not sure that this is a sufficient reason to leave.
You said that he wasn't like this before the move, but you have to keep in mind that he was only pretending to be a loving partner in order to trap you. It sounds like your parents picked up on some red flags. You have to stay focused on the fact that the man you think he used to be, the man you hope he can return to being, never existed.
He has never hit me or anything that abusive husbands generally do. I'm actually embarrassed to mention this to my parents. When I talk to them its just short general conversations so I wouldn't even want to bring this up anyway.
When you "always planned to get married and have it last", what kind of man did you plan to get married to?
Was it your dream to marry an abusive man? Was it your dream to be in this situation where you are completely dependent on someone who has no respect for you whatsoever?
eta: No one enters a marriage planning to get divorced, but you have to do what is best for yourself. You can't count on anyone but you to protect you.
Oh okay, so because he doesn't hit you that means he's not abusive? Sure not physically, but emotionally and mentally... ???
Actually, he sounds like a textbook abuser. He isolated you from all of your friends and family and took away your means of supporting yourself. He allowed his friends to make vulgar comments about you, and when you expressed your discomfort, he not only dismissed your feelings, but told you that you should be flattered. Then he allowed his friend to violate you while threatening to make you homeless.
I know it's hard, but you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You are not the one who has done something wrong here. Your husband facilitated your rape. Only an abuser would do something like that. Please tell your parents what is going on.
If you aren't using birth control right now, please start, and be very vigilant to ensure that he doesn't sabotage it. If you were to get pregnant right now, it will be that much easier for him to control and abuse you.
There is NOTHING about this situation that makes anything other than leaving a rational option. Please check out the link I posted above- you can do an online, anonymous consultation with a trained advocate who can help you. Of course you're feeling overwhelmed- you have no money and even if you did, you have no car to go anywhere. The people at RAINN can help give you some direction and find a starting point.
There is no way your husband will not do this again, and it will almost certainly get much worse. The things he will try to make you do will get more degrading over time. This is not someone who loves you.
I hope you recognize that what your husband doing is emotional abuse. Your husband is abusive. So what if you don't have to cover up bruises with makeup - you are still being hurt by this abuse. I hope you can realize what is happening here and get yourself out before it gets any worse.
Here's a link explaining why counseling does not work in an abusive relationship:
http://www.escapeabuse.com/?p=117
(I realize that in your situation, the abuser is not the one suggesting counseling as the article describes, but it still applies.)
He made you feel like you had to have sex with another man against your will. He might not have hit you but this is abuse just the same.
I really don't think that being hit would be any worse then being made to feel this violated and weak. You need to get out. Think about what you would say to a friend if she was in this same situation.
Woah, OP. I think you need a reality check. If my husband EVER told me that I *had* to sleep with one of his friends, we'd be divorced in a heartbeat. If my husband told me I couldn't go to school by taking out loans, I'm pretty sure we'd be having a serious discussion about it.
You've let your abusive husband (and yes, he is abusive even if he doesn't hit you) take control of your life, your means, and your self esteem. I can't believe that you actually slept with your husband's friend. That is the epitome if disgusting and horrible treatment.
Call your parents, get out, and rebuild yourself. Learn who you are, what you deserve, and build a strong sense of pride in yourself. This situation that you are continuing to be apart of is completely messed up. Divorce is and should be an option when husbands are complete arseholes.
Oh OP, please call your parents. Even if they are mad at you for dropping out of college (NOT something your H should have supported by the way), they will help you and I'm sure they worry about you every day. I'm sure, as others have said, that they knew there were big red flags in your relationship.
You are being abused, even if your H isn't hitting you. He is emotionally abusive, and he allowed another person to sexually abuse you. How you can think of staying married to a man like this just because you don't want to be divorced, I cannot fathom. He has no respect for you whatsoever.
If you need further food for thought, what happens if you have kids? Will he treat them in the same way-belittling them and making them feel like sh!t? What if you have a little girl and one of his precious friends takes a liking to her?
You don't have to live your life like this. Being happy alone always trumps being married and scared.
OP, I think you have gotten some great advice here, but it doesn't seem like you're willing to take it.
If a close friend or family member came to you and told you this EXACT same story, but it was her husband making her sleep with his friend, what would you say?
You have been horribly violated. I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone who allows his friends to take advantage of me. And then he wouldn't even talk to you about it and said instead that you were blowing things out of proportion? He has absolutely no respect for you or your well being. It seems like you might not have a lot of respect for yourself, either, if you don't see how wrong this entire situation is.
As PPs have said, no one goes into a marriage hoping it will end in divorce, but thankfully that option is out there for those who find themselves in situations such as yours.
Get out while you can. It will only get harder to leave the longer you let this go on and the more excuses you keep making for his behavior.
Of course your parents were never fans of the relationship to begin with.
You are essentially begging and pleading with someone to save the marriage who has so little interest in you and thinks so little of you that he's willing to let his friends use you as a prostitute for free. He was always like this, but you were too naive and too lacking in self confidence to see him for who he truly was. Prove to everyone, especially yourself that you are too smart and too good for this and get the hell out. Now. This is a person who is potentially dangerous to you.
BTW can you imagine how ridiculous this would sound in therapy? My H forced me to sleep with one of his friends. What is a therapist supposed to teach him/fix? People go to therapy for things like communication issues, not a respect issue of this magnitude. This man has showed you in every way possible that he does not care about you Believe him and get the heck out.