Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Feeling trapped
Then you should have picked better. If you really think this marriage can be saved, you really need individual counseling. All abusive relationship start out with psychological abuse, often for years, before they become physically abusive. There is no doubt in my mind that this is a person who would hurt you.
Your husband allowed his friend to RAPE you. Forget counseling, you need to go to the cops, or a domestic violence shelter at least. Get out now. You don't have a husband, you have a pimp.
Please don't have kids with this man. What will you do when one of his friends wants to have fun with your 4 year old daughter?
Please get help. You are being abused, horribly.
If this is real... (Original Poster = OP, we get a lot of people who make things up-- so that is why we say this).
You need to book a trip home as soon as you can. What you have here is abuse. It is NOT a marriage. Your husband threatened you with homelessness and abandonment if you wouldn't sleep with his friend. That is NOT how a healthy husband that loves you, cares for your well-being and wants the best for you acts. Its just not, and I'm so sorry that you are so messed in the head by him that you actually want to stay with him?
No one who loves you and values you would ask you to do something you aren't comfortable with. Get home and get a divorce-- stay with your parents. The "I told you so" 's can wait and I'm sure if they heard this story they would just want you home and safe.
What happens when he starts turning you out to strangers? I bet that will be next. He contracts some perv off the internet to come do his wife. I swear, that is what will be next with this lame-douche-o-Son-of-a-***.
You don't want to lose your marriage, but you've already lost it (if you ever had it). A sane, loving husband does NOT pimp out his wife for the love of God! You MUST see this right? What if your sister, or best friend told you her husband did this? You would want her out of that situation ASAP, right? Well, do yourself a solid and bail right now.
Personally, if it had been me I would have told him to take the next bridge, jump off it and go straight to hell. I'd probably be in jail if my Husband tried to pimp me out to one of his friends. GO. NOW. To the airport and worry about the rest later. You do not deserve this. No one does.
Good luck.
This is the best advice in this thread.
Don't call your parents, call the cops.
I can't imagine the emotions that you're going through right now but you should know that everything you feel is completely normal. Of course you want to fight for your marriage--this is a man you love and a life you want to have but you deserve better. You deserve a husband who is going to give you a wonderful life and not let his friend rape you.
I'm sure you family would take you back with open arms if you told them what has happened. Even if they don't, you deserve more than to live with a man who is abusing you like this. You don't have to make any decisions now, but perhaps you'd feel better talking to someone about what you're going through. Rape and abuse hotlines are trained to help you understand your feelings and options--Please call and speak to someone! http://www.safehorizon.org/index/get-help-8/for-rape-and-sexual-assault-37.html?gclid=CMbr8L_otK0CFcNo4AoddQEDmA
You are in an abusive relationship. Ask yourself the following:
How far are you willing to let him treat you before realizing that this marriage isn't worth saving? How often have you pushed back the line what what you consider acceptable behavior? Where are you drawing the next line?
Staying this long doesn't mean that you're consenting to the abuse. The fact that you didn't scream and kick and fight off your H's friend doesn't mean that you weren't raped. Even if you decide to stay for now (which I highly advise against) doesn't mean that you are consenting to a life like this--You can always leave!
You deserve a better life and can get it by leaving. Call a crisis hotline, call the police, go to a safe house, and then call your parents. Life can be so much better, I promise you.
It is always great in the beginning. Abusers are smart enough to know that if they start out as jerks they will never be in a relationship. That is why they are always great in the beginnning. But you have to understand, the man you met at the beginning was a sham, a con. He was pretending to act like that so that he could get you into a serious relationship. Once he knew he had you, well his TRUE self came out. Please stop blaming this on the location where you currently are. You have to know that is nonsense. Good men with character don't suddenly change because they have new address. THIS IS WHO IS TRULY WAS THE WHOLE TIME. Again, you first met I am sure was charming and wonderful, but that was all an act. The man you have now is his true self. His abusive self and no counseling will not magically cure someone with an abuusive personality. It doesn't work that way. In fact, counseling can make things worse because he can then find new ways to manipulate you. The man you fell in love with was a lie. He was just acting. This is the real him.
Listen, I understand that you don't want to get divorced. No one does, no one ever ever intends to get divorced. But you have choice here. Continue to be miseable in an abusive relationship and god forbid bring poor children into this terrible terrible situation. I mean what if your children saw what happened? Do you understand how traumatic that would be for them? Do you understand what kind of lifelong damage you would be doing to them ?
Why why why would you knowingly choose a life of trauma and misery for yourself and any future children you might have? Why would you choose that when you can be with a man who is loving, kind, patient, considerate, selfless, respectful and then watch your children thrive in the middle of a loving marriage. I have a marriage like that. My friends have marriages like that. My sister has a marriage like that. Many people on this board have marriages like that. Marriages like that are possible and you can have a marriage like that. Just not with your current husband. Men like him do not change. THEY DO NOT CHANGE. This is part of his intrisic character and counseling just doesn't work like that. Counselors are magicians.
Please please just leave. Tell your parents what happened and leave. They will welcome you with open arms.
As much as I hate to say this, I don't know that calling the police is the best idea. It's very common for women who file rape reports to not be believed, and it's not like her husband or any of his friends are going to back up her account of what happened. In cases of "He said, she said", women are often considered to be lying by default. I can imagine in a case of "He said, he said, he said, he said, she said", that dynamic would only be magnified. Too often, it seems like the justice system just victimizes people a second time.
That's why I think OP really needs to talk to someone from a victim advocacy organization and get advice from them on how to proceed (which may include getting the police involved). MintChoco's hotline looks like a great resource- OP, I really hope you make the call. You do not have to live like this.
First and foremost, call the cops. You were raped. Period.
Secondly, call your parents.
Next, Get the HELL out!!!
Lastly, go to the doctor and get STD tested.
Words can not describe this heinous man you married... He doesn't love you.
ETA: I would still call the cops, it would be good to have something reported, in the unfortunate event she decides to stay with him, there will at least be a record about the incident.
& If I had a husband who told me to sleep with his friend or find a place to sleep for the night, I would have found a place to sleep for the rest of my life and it sure as hell wouldn't be with him.
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
Chances are great that this is the real him. I moved away with my XH shortly after marrying him and he too changed when we got to our new home 8 hours away from my family. He was abusive, left me home alone, cheated on me and belittled me. Turns out when we moved away he had me far enough away he could be the real him and treat me however he felt. You need to leave him. Once you get outside the situation and in a safe zone you will see the life you're living now is not how you want to live.
Don't worry about the bridges you think you've burned with your family. None of that matters, I promise you. They want you OUT and they want you safe. You are not safe with this man. Who in the world would do that to the woman they love? Not a man, I guarantee you that. That isn't love. It is abuse. It is control. It is manipulation. And it is sick.
You need to get help. Go to therapy. Read up on abuse and manipulation. Do you know anyone there, or anywhere you could go to get help? this is not a marriage that can be saved so don't even think that it. He's a sick, twisted person and my guess is he always has been. You won't be able to see this until you get out.
I recommend: "He's Just No Good for You: Your Guide for Getting out of a Destructive Relationship". Also: "The Manipulative Man" is another eye opener. I will PM you with my blog address. I dealt with abuse as well although my ex-husband never stooped to the level of pimping me out to his friends.
Please get away. Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction. Run to a neighbor, a hospital, a police station, a shelter, but just get out of that house. DO it now and do not look back. Don't worry about packing, RUN. If he sees that you are planning to leave, the abuse can escalate. The police can help you get your things once you are safe. Shelters have good quality clothes and toiletries you can use until you get your things back or get new ones. Please, please, please leave.
That is not a reason to not call the cops.
OP, PLEASE get out of that situation. Your husband allowed, nay, encouraged his friend to RAPE you. You may or may not think of it as rape, but you didn't want to have sex with him and it happened, so yeah. Rape plain and simple. Don't you think if he did it once, he would do it again? He is abusive and you need to get out before something else happens. This "man" does not deserve to live, let alone be married to you.
No parent will ever refuse their child in such a situation. Call your parents RIGHT THIS SECOND and tell them what happened. If you can't afford to get yourself out, I guarantee you that your parents will happily find a way to make it happen.
Good luck to you, and I hope you will heed all the good advice that you have been given here!
You are not safe with this monster. Even if you have to find a women's shelter, you need to get out. Another poster mentioned that who knows what he'll let his filthy, disgusting pigs of friends attempt next?
A good, loving husband does NOT encourage, let alone threaten his wife with homelessness, to sleep with someone else. I know that's been said many, many times in this thread, but you desperately need to understand that he is not a good man. He is a disgusting monster. He has zero respect for you. As an example, if my H's friends made gestures and comments I was uncomfortable with, he'd put a stop to it. There's no way he'd have ever threatened me to get me to sleep with his friends, because the subject wouldn't even come up, because it's wrong. What he and his friends did is wrong, to the point of pretty much being criminal. They should both be in jail. My blood is boiling just thinking about that entire situation.
It is not going to get better, it will get worse. Call your parents, call a friend back home or even an acquaintance or friend wherever you live now (you have to know someone you could call), or call the advocacy line that renegade gave you or simply pack up and head to a shelter. They will help you get out. This is abuse, plain and simple. Divorce is absolutely an option here. He is not a good man. You may not want to get divorced, no one does, but you are not safe with him. You are seriously in danger with someone who behaves like him and has no thought or care to your well being.
Exactly, if won't stop with you. He does not see you as a person. He sees you as a possession and maybe even a way to make money. If he will do it to his wife he will do it to a child. He does not see you as someone with a soul.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
OP I am horrified for you. How can you not be angry with this man? He is supposed to love, cherish and protect you. He does none of these things. He willfully assisted in your sexual assault.
Please call your parents. Any anger or disappointment they had will not compare to their desire to protect you and get you out of that terrible situation. Call your parents, make a plan to leave and call the police and get out.
You married an abuser who purposely isolated you from everyone and everything you know and from any means of getting out so that he could abuse you however and whenever he wants. This is not a marriage that you should be in for another minute, let alone for the rest of your life.
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We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
While not exactly the same... I too had a falling out with my parents after I moved 2000 miles away to be with DH. My relationship with my family has been strained for the past 10 years.
Now I find myself 3000 miles away from family, not knowing many people, with two young children and divorcing due to his infidelity/ STD risk, and (while not physical abuse) manipulation, belitting, and lying.
It leaves you broken.
It leaves you alone.
It leaves you thinking it's your fault.
I called my mom
She has been 110% supportive and is helping me, both emotionally and financially get through this.
Call your family. Tell. them. everything.
OP - put yourself in your parents shoes. If your daughter told you that her husband assisted in her rape, would you do everything in your power to get her out of that situation? I bet you would do anything and everything to help regardless of what disagreements you may be having.
This man is a predator. He would never have gotten a wife by treating her like this from the beginning. He has done everything in his power to isolate you and make sure you have no one to turn to and that you can never leave him.
Except that you can. No woman deserves this kind of treatment. While you may think you are being noble and not just jumping on the divorce train, you aren't thinking clearly. A man who has no problem making his wife sleep with another man would not hesitate to hit her because he has no respect for her.
Please, please get out yourself out of this situation. And please start/continue to use birth control. The last thing you need is to bring a child into this situation (if you haven't already.)
Hon, I am so sorry you're going through this. I have been where you are, and I understand that when you're there, when someone you love is making you feel so crushed, it can feel like you will never, ever be back to 'normal', and there's no way you could leave...right?
I promise you, once you take that first step, there will be so many people there to help you. When I left, people came out of the woodwork to offer me a place to stay...a job... furniture... whatever I needed. I don't even know you and it's breaking my heart to think of someone feeling the way I did. I never believed that leaving would happen, I could not IMAGINE life without him- I even begged him to stay with me! But I did, I left. Thank God. I cant even put into words the peace that you get from not having such a person poisoning you.
My family had cut me off for marrying my husband so I felt like I couldnt even call my mom and cry. My XH would beat me, he broke so many bones, and he "lent" me out to one of his friends on one occasion too. Please, please listen - he does NOT respect you in the most basic ways if he's doing these things. He would do thisshitto whoever was unfortunate enough to be with him, this is not the way a real relationship should be!
PM me if there's anything you want to talk about, anything I can do - ok?
this, too. There's nothing worth saving here.
Oh, OP. I feel like I already know you. A few years ago, I lived next door to a woman whose husband did the exact same thing to her. He started off by isolating her from family and friends. He insulted her, belittled her, etc. Her family hated him with a passion (and for good reason) The only people allowed over to their house by him were his friends.
One morning, she knocked on my door crying. Her husband had basically forced her to have sex with a friend of his. She was horrified, embarrassed, etc. She also did not want to leave. She felt she had no where to go and she prayed it was a one time thing. It turned into a normal thing and she was repeatedly raped by her husband's friends with his permission. During this time, his abuse became physical. I called the police every single time I heard him yell at her. It broke my heart to see him break her down to where she felt like she was nothing. She became suicidal. They moved shortly after her suicide attempt and she was no longer "allowed" to talk to me.
To this day, I wonder if she is alive or dead. If she finally left that monster or took her own life or if he killed her. OP, you are on a long, dangerous road. These things do not just stop. They get worse and worse. Turn to your family. I know you are humiliated by what happened and don't want to tell anyone. That's exactly what your husband is counting on. He wants you to keep silent. He wants you to take this abuse with your mouth shut and no one knowing what kind of monster he is. YOU DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE A HUMAN, not a slave. If you don't want to call your family, call your local domestic violence shelter. Just get out of there and go somewhere safe. Please, please don't keep your silence a moment longer.
Your husband is an abuser and you are being abused. He is an accessorry to rape. Your husband, the man who should love you above all else, who should be your safe place to land, is instead your pimp and your jailer. You are being trapped.
I swear to you that if you call your parents, tell them you see now that they were right, that you are going to come home and go to school and that your husband arranged for your rape, they will be there in a moment.
Do you feel comfortable saying where you are? Maybe we can help you find a shelter for a night until your parents can come get you?
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I'm a lurker, but I feel like I need to join the ranks and speak up on this one. OP, if you had jumped on here and complained that he was spending too much time out with his friends, or refusing to help around the house, or had run up your credit card bill without telling you, we would all tell you to go to counseling.
But you posted that your husband treats you like shiit and forced you to be raped by his friend. And you don't want to tell your parents because there's some bad blood between you all right now? I promise that if you call your parents and tell them your husband's friend raped you and he doesn't care, the last thing they are going to tell you is that this is part of marriage and to deal with it. They will help you. They will send money, or drive out to get you, or call the police for you, or all three.
PLEASE get out now. If you really really really don't think you can call your family, at least find a women's shelter you can go to. He told his friend to have sex with you and told you you had to do it or leave. I'm going to type that sentence again in caps so you can really see it. HE TOLD HIS FRIEND TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU AND TOLD YOU YOU HAD TO DO IT OR LEAVE. That is not respect, that is not humane, and that is definitely not marriage.
Please contact the National Network to End Domestic Violence. The information is on their website: http://www.nnedv.org/resources/stats/gethelp.html. Even if you just want to ask questions, you need to seek advice from an organization that deals with these issues on a daily basis.
Do not have kids with this man. What would you tell your daughter if she were in this situation?
If you don't feel comfortable going back to your parents, you should seek out a safe house in the meantime. They will make sure your DH cannot contact you.
GET OUT NOW. You DESERVE better than this. Find the nearest women's shelter and GO NOW. Talk to them. Let them help you start the conversation with your parents. It will be hard, but so much harder if you stay. Call this number if you can't find a shelter in your area or it's not safe for you to search on the internet:
1-800-799-SAFE(7233)
Be sure to delete your Internet history.
Call your parents. They will be more mad that you didn't ask for help than paying for you to go to school.
Please. Call your parents.