Trouble in Paradise
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Feeling trapped
This. You should leave right now for the nearest women's shelter. If that's too complicated (and I'd understand how it could be under the circumstances), go to a neighbor, or a hospital, or a shop, or the library, or physically GO to the police station and ask for help finding one. Or if you can't sneak out right now, leave tomorrow while he is at work. You should also call your parents and the cops, but neither of them can get to you as quickly as you need them. What do you think a RAPIST might do to keep the rape a secret? He deserves to go to jail for a long time for what he did, and he is fully aware of it even if you are in denial. Please do not stick around to find out what other unspeakable things he is capable of.
Please write us an update when you are someplace safe. I don't think I'm the only one who will be awake tonight worried about your safety.
Are you still around, OP?
You should listen to the women on this board. You sound like a nice girl and you deserve better than what he is doing to you. How old are you?
Your parents were only unhappy about you marrying him and dropping out of school because they care for you and they were probably worried about you. They still love you. The worst thing that you could get from them is a few "I told you so's," but that's a small price to pay for the safety and comfort of your family. The hardest part when it comes to your parents is admitting you were wrong. But you can get past that...we're only human, and we all make mistakes.
You can start over, start school again (those two years you've already done haven't been erased), and make a career for yourself. I'm sorry if you were really looking forward to starting a family and being a sahm, but at this point it's just not possible for you (yet...maybe someday you'll meet someone who really deserves your worth). It'll be hard, but you'll be better because of it.
Your husband probably isn't going to snap out of this behavior, if that's what you were hoping for. I'm so sorry. Even if things didn't get worse than this, it's still too wrong to stay with him. And even if he never makes you do it again, the damage has been done. You can't trust him and he's demonstrated your value to him. Could you honestly say that you'd be happy in a marriage like that, ever again? And subject your children to an unhappy marriage, at best?
You sound smart, or else you wouldn't have asked for our help. You must've known you wouldn't get an answer you wanted, but please listen to us. We know what we're telling you to do isn't easy. It's probably the hardest thing you'll ever have to do in your life. That's why there are people who can help you with it. Remember you you are capable, no matter how incapable you keep think you are. Just because you don't have a degree, work experience, or money does NOT mean that you can't grow into your own life. We've all been there! We've all been fresh out of highschool with no higher education or work experience or money, but we made it and so can you. Believe in yourself.
And try not to be afraid.
Even though I've been in a situation scarily similar to yours, I can only imagine the fear, pain, and hopelessness you must be feeling.
Let me tell you a little story. I was married at 21 to a man who presented an entirely different face than the person he ended up actually being. On the honeymoon, it became apparent that the man I made vows to and the man I was actually married to where two entirely separate people. I stayed married out of shame and embarrassment. They physical abuse came a few months later, though the emotional and mental abuse started almost immediately (subtly, but still there). It turns out that once he thought he 'had' me and I was legally his, he thought we should be the same person, which more or less meant that he could do whatever he damn well pleased with me.
For three years, I fought to stay in my marriage without losing my sanity. I couldn't do it. He progressively isolated me, and I strained a lot of relationships (a few I lost) because of it. There's more to this, and I'll be happy to send you an IM if you'd like, but let's just say that sexual abuse was also involved.
It took one crazy night that endangered my safety and my best friend coming to get me in order for me to leave. It took a few more months of therapy and a cop telling me that either I left or I'd be dead in six months in order for me to actually file. I was embarrassed at what I'd allowed to happen, and thought I'd somehow deserved it. I was terrified at starting over, and I felt like an idiot for having to come to my family to tell them that my marriage was over, especially when several of them wanted me to leave and I'd stayed anyway.
Not a single one of them, not one, said anything close to I told you so. My mother wrote me the check for the lawyer (which I'm repaying as soon as the house sells) and helped me buy furniture for my new apartment. My father repaired the holes XH put in my house walls and door, painted it, and put up crown molding to get it ready to sell. They both helped me move, and while I was basically supporting two households on my teacher's salary (XH barely worked, and I worked in a low paying district), helped with living expenses. My aunts and cousins helped me decorate my new home, and my best friend gave me a place to live until I could start my new job the next state over.
None of them gave me any judgment. All of them wanted to beat the ever living schit out of XH.
Your friends and family will be supportive. I can almost guarantee that. They love you, and they do not want to see you hurt. Call your family. Get on the next plane, and go home. You will be welcomed with open arms.
You do not deserve this; you did not earn it. You deserve to be loved exactly as you are. You are a woman who has suffered abuse, and you can survive this. Leaving will not break your vows. Your XH has already done that with his abuse. It won't be easy, but as many women here can tell you, it can be done. You also have us, for guidance, for a sounding board, for support, for whatever.
Please keep coming back and let us know how you're doing. You have support, and you can do this. Please don't stay. You deserve so much more than what you've been made to suffer.
As a mother of adult children, in relationships and making choices I didn't agree with, and with less than satisfactory partners in the past, let me assure you that, based on what I'm reading between the lines of your posts, your parents love you and worry about you and want what's best for you (they didn't like him, they were upset when you left college, they were upset when you left town...all signs of love and worry for a child for whom they have concerns)...your parents will be overjoyed to hear from you and will do everything they can to help you escape your current situation.
I can't imagine a parent who was upset at their child leaving college and moving away with a man for whom they had grave concerns would hesitate for a moment. I would place money on the fact that your father, once he heard from you, would be in his car or on a plane and at your doorstep the moment he hung up the phone. You won't have to tell him the whole story. You'll just have to tell him you're afraid and alone and trapped and can't get away from the H but you need to. Your life and your sanity depend on it. If you don't leave, you'll be less and less your own person and more and more a shadow of what you could and should be.
Don't stay with this man and don't have children with him. I made that mistake and my children paid for it. Both daughters have been in terrible relationships.
My older daughter left her boyfriend of eight years not long ago. They would be married (they have a son together) but thank God and everyone above he developed health issues and it wasn't financially feasible for them to marry. But eight years and a six year old son are just as much a commitment. You can bet your bottom dollar that I'm pushing her and supporting her and doing everything I can to see that she gets back on the path she stepped off when she "postponed" college to stay with the abusive prick. For the record, she is now in a wonderful relationship with an amazing guy who supports her and encourages her and helps her. What a partner is supposed to do. That is what you should demand for yourself. Expect nothing less and accept nothing less.
My other daughter has had three children with three different fathers. She's never learned how to handle relationships. She's lost and regained her children (they're living with her now but in the legal custody of the state until they can determine she's capable of raising them), hopped from man to man, provided "daddies" to her children and had a revolving door policy because that's what she saw with her father. I've been trying to get her into counseling for a very long time and thankfully she's now required to at least have testing and evaluations and her daughters are required to undergo counseling to make sure the don't have the same issues that their mother has had and has put them through.
(you can guarantee your parents' upset wasn't about the money...it was worry about your diminished opportunities and less bright future and a host of other things...all based on a worry for you, their daughter, not their wallet). Your dad probably will have the keys in his hands before the phone is hung up. They're your parents and they love you, unquestionably.
Please take the advice of the above posters. IM the ones who have been through it. Call the DV hotline. Find a shelter. Above all GET OUT. And call your parents.
OP, I can't even imagine how horribly violated you were by that experience. What happened to you was rape. Your husband is an abuser. You say he's never hit you, thus has not physically abused you- how does being forced to sleep with another man against your will not constitute as physical and sexual abuse? He has manipulated you and isolated you from your family and friends. Even your statements about wanting to work things out are indicative of his hold on you. Please break free of this. Call your parents, they will be there for you, I promise. They probably saw red flags and were worried about you in the first place.
I'll be thinking about you and hoping that you get yourself out of this situation. You sound like a good person, and you in no way deserve to be treated like a piece of property. This man treats you like trash. If that sounds harsh, it's because the reality of his utter disrespect for you is harsh. You deserve better. I would also bet a good amount of money that you are stronger than you think, and you KNOW that you deserve better. I rarely have an emotional response to something on the internet, but I had tears in my eyes reading your post thinking about someone being treated in that manner. Please think about that- an internet stranger was in tears hearing about how you are treated. You need to be angry about this, angry enough to leave and never look back. I am so angry for you I am shaking.
Sorry for rambling, I just can't believe someone would treat another human being with such disrespect. Please feel free to PM me if you need any support. I'll be thinking of you. Be strong.
What he did is abuse. Please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or contact local DV resources. You DO NOT deserve to be treated the way he is treating you. If you stay in this marriage, he will continue to harm you. Someone who thinks it's okay to force his wife to have sex with a friend of his is not someone whose mindset will be changed with a little bit of counseling (or even a lot). Especially not any couples' counseling. Please take care of yourself right now and reach out for the resources that you need. Those who love you will support you.
I'm sorry for how big this will be, but I want you to see it without the url giving it away, if he is monitoring your internet use.
if you dont want a divorce then it seems you need to get more comfortable with sleeping with his friends.
WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU??????
NOTHING is wrong with the OP. Everything is wrong with her H. She is in an abusive relationship and leaving is terrifying. She may not even be willing to accept or recognize the abuse for what it is. People on the outside think it's an easy thing to pick up and leave, or that it's even possible. Women in abused relationships feel emotionally shackled to their abuser and in their minds, leaving is next to impossible.
OP, nothing is wrong with you. Please, please take the advice of others in this thread. Resources are in place for you. Your H will not get you. I have been there. Once you leave, it gets easier. Just leave. You are stronger than you think.
There's nothing wrong with OP. You, on the other hand...
Seriously?! An abused woman comes on here for help and all you can do is call her a liar or crazy?! WTF is wrong with you?
I agree.
Totally my mistake. I posted before I read it more completely, I was wrong. Which is why I edited to say WTF and it was towards her DH, not her, and was actually going to add to it because that still rubbed me wrong when I saw this additional post.
Sincerely, mea culpa.
OP, I truly apologize. I worked in a domestic violence shelter so of course I believe it. All the other ladies are right, he isolated you and showed his true colors. Of course you still love him, no one does this at first it comes around later when the person is committed and in it.
I add that your parents will come get you in a heartbeat.
OP, I hope you are listening to the advice others are leaving for you here. One of my older sisters went through a similar situation. While my former BIL never struck her physically, she was living in an emotional hell full of abuse of many kinds. He doesn't have to be hitting you to be abusing you.
Get out. Now. Call your parents and go home. I suspect the fact that you hesitate to do this has more to do with pride than anything else. Admitting she was wrong and needed help was one of the HARDEST things my sister ever had to do. Even though my dad begged her not to marry my ex-BIL, he took her back with loving open arms and was nothing but supportive to her through her divorce.
Your marriage is not a happy one. Get out while you can. My sister had a much more difficult time leaving after my nephew was born bc her ex-H abused her into believing he would take her son from her if she left. Don't get pregnant right now if you can help it and get the heck out while you still can. Go back to school. Get a part-time job ringing up groceries if you have to to get out and make your own money. You do not have to stay in this situation forever.
Call a lawyer and file for divorce. As soon as the judge hears that you were pimped out by your husband the car and half of everything will be yours. Don't be worried about being left with nothing. Your husband is sick in the head if he "gave" you to his friend.
Get out ASAP. Then call the cops, file a report, then call a lawyer and file for divorce. If he sees you as the possession and you don't go along with him, it won't be long before he resorts to physical violence. He has no qualms about pimping you out, physical violence won't be to far behind.
And contrary to what is said out there among religious communities, divorce is ok, when abuse or cheating is involved. It is in the Bible. If that is what is stopping you, don't let it stop you. Some marriage can not be saved.
Read the "Sociopath Next Door" it will give you a lot of insight into the person you are married to. He has no care for anyone other then himself.