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Need advice - am I overreacting? Long (sorry)
A couple of days ago my boyfriend left his email account open on my laptop. I was still somewhat struggling with some trust issues with him because of some things that went on earlier in our relationship so I decided to do a quick once over of his email, honestly expecting to find nothing of concern and be comforted and be on my merry way and that I was just being paranoid about things as I have a tendency to do. Things have been really great for a while now, or so I thought, so I really thought I would look and find nothing and that would be the last time I ever invaded his privacy (yes, i know that was wrong). Well, unfortunately I found an email he sent to a "friend" that was just one line- very sexual in nature...basically sexting. It pretty much felt like my heart was ripped from my chest and still does 3 days later. Not only what he said, but the fact that I had asked him about this girl before because she seemed very flirty in some of her facebook comments on his wall. This email was dated exactly 1 week before I confronted him about my concerns regarding this woman. So, essentially he lied to my face when he responded to my questions. "She's just a friend...he'll work on his level of flirtatiousness because he knows it upsets me, blah blah blah". And he had been working on it, I was slowly beginning to trust that his flirtatious personality was maybe just as innocent as he claims. But something deep down inside kept telling me that there was more to it. I mean, I know I can flirt every now and then, but I also know that sometimes it's just meaningless when other times there may be the tendency for there to be more feeling behind it, depending on the person. I know my boyfriend pretty well and considered myself to be a good judge of when his flirting meant nothing...and when I thought it was inappropriate (and told him so), but for some reason with this girl I took his word for it. I guess I just really wanted to believe that I was wrong and that my gut feeling was off this time. Turns out my gut was right on.
So, I'm torn in this situation. I love him dearly and until 3 days ago I never felt so happy in a relationship and I actually thought this would be it and we've talked about getting married and the future and kids and everything. It all just seemed to fit, we've been living together now for 8 months, we get along wonderfully, make each other laugh constantly, his family is absolutely wonderful and they love me to death. His mom even told me that he's only just waiting for the right time to propose, once he gets back on his feet and gets settled with his recent job change.
In my mind he cheated...in his mind he didn't because they were never physically together (she lives out of state so I know that much is true)...but it's one thing to masturbate to porn and another to masturbate while sexting with something you know. Am I overreacting?
We've discussed the situation at length over the past couple of days. I asked questions, some I probably didn't really want to know the answer to, but that how I work through and deal with things. He admitted that it started innocently with them texting and eventually she crossed the line and he played along for a couple of weeks before he put a stop to it. I can clearly tell that he is greatly upset that he hurt me so badly. I know that he really does care for me and that people do make mistakes. Unfortunately I'm not so sure this is a mistake I can get over...but I don't know what to do. He is my best friend and I love him more than I ever thought I was capable of loving someone. But how can I learn to trust him again? I've asked him point blank about the girl in the past and he flat out lied. Now I don't know what to believe. I'm sorry this is so long winded, but I needed to get it out. I can't talk to my girlfriends about this because they would automatically hate him and if I do decide to try to work through this I don't want this to be their entire opinion of him. Please help!
Re: Need advice - am I overreacting? Long (sorry)
I don't believe in being in relationships that lack trust whether that lack of trust is justified or not. You snooped in your boyfriend's email because you did not trust him. Unfortunately, you found that you actually had a reason not to. You are questioning whether you can ever trust him again and so to me, that's reason enough to end the relationship. He deserves to be with someone that can trust him completely (assuming his behavior warrants that), and you deserve to be with someone you can trust.
I'd love to hear more about the problems that caused the trust issues in the first place. You mention "some things that went on" earlier in your relationship--is it of a similar nature?
I honestly didn't read past the email and the fact that he lied to you when asked about the woman. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone who you'll always be worried about cheating on you? Someone whose emails you'll want to look through to confirm your suspicions? Could you ever truly be happy like that?
Well, unfortunately I found an email he sent to a "friend" that was just one line- very sexual in nature...basically sexting. It pretty much felt like my heart was ripped from my chest and still does 3 days later.
This is Day 4, isn't it?
Start Day 4 out right by telling this jerk you're going your seperate way. You don't need a guy you cannot trust and you don't need a guy who still has eyes for other women.
I'm laughing and crying all at once.
I'm sorry you made this discovery. Without trust there can be no love that is healthy. You deserve someone that loves you with respect & that you don't have to worry about with regards to infidelity (emotional, sexual & online).
Cut him loose.
I found emails like this in ex h's account shortly after we were married. Same deal ... had a weird feeling, thought (hoped) I'd find nothing, found inappropriate emails to old female friend out of state, asked then-dh about it. He told me it was no biggie, but he didn't think I'd see it ... blah, blah, blah. I forgave him. Rinse and repeat for over 8 years when he finally had me convinced that I was crazy for thinking there was anything wrong with what he was doing, including the fact that he had a secret email account that he used to communicate with his then mistress, now live-in girlfriend ... but I must have been crazy (according to him) to think there was anything wrong with their "friendship."
So my advice? Leave now. Before you are married. Before you have kids. Before you go through the heartache of realizing that you married a lying ass even though there were clear red flags (can you tell I type this from experience?).
When I finally got the balls to tell my ex where to stick it, I told him I could forgive a lot of things ... but lying was not one of them.
Dead.
If this post turns into a 15 pager, I just might have to GBCN.
I guess you could say they were somewhat similar, but to me the sexting is a whole other level. We met online and he kept his profile active for quite some time after we were officially a couple and even after I had met the parents. Long story short he was still setting up dates with girls online. This was when we had just started dating, so we weren't very serious, although not an excuse it was not as severe to me as the sexting. I just figured he's a big flirt, and he's with me now so it's all in the past. There were also a couple of questionable texts and then a facebook message he got from a girl that made it appear that he had said something inappropriate and she was shocked and responded with "don't you have a girlfriend?!?!, and he always seems to be a little secretive about his phone. But, then again I am not a cell phone person, so I don't keep my phone attached to my hip at all times and take into the bathroom with me to text and whatnot every single minute of the day. When I get home it stays in the kitchen or plugged in upstairs and I don't look at it until the next morning, but I know that's not typical these days, so I believed his excuses but still had an uncomfortable feeling. For a while I thought maybe I just was paranoid and being way too sensitive. That was all a long time ago and I had finally gotten past all of that and wasn't concerned so much with who he was texting or who he was talking to on facebook. I've had major issues with trust my entire life, so I just figured that as usual it was all me. More and more though I'm beginning to learn that my gut feelings tend to be pretty close to accurate.
my dad was like this... when he was having an affair behind my mom's back.
Please trust your gut and leave!
Breaking up and moving out is way easier then divorce!
I'ts very simple.
He's a cheater. Leave. Now
This guy has given you every indication that he is a cheater. These are all pretty big red flags. I'm wondering if your "trust issues" are just a history of choosing the wrong guy.
I don't mean this in a snarky way, but have you considered seeing a therapist for your self-esteem issues? Those who are secure in themselves would have given this guy the boot after finding his active dating profile. He's either addicted to attention from the opposite sex or he's just not that into you. A man who wants to be with someone would not be constantly trolling for someone better.
Dump him. He's a dud. Marrying him will make you absolutely miserable.
ETA: if you have to constantly work at looking past things in your relationship, then something is very very wrong. I think he used his parents and dangling the marriage carrot to keep you around while he did whatever the hell he wanted. He's selfish, a liar, a cheater, and you two are just plain not compatible. You deserve so much more than this. Good men exist, I promise.
I love him dearly and until 3 days ago I never felt so happy in a relationship and I actually thought this would be it and we've talked about getting married and the future and kids and everything. It all just seemed to fit, we've been living together now for 8 months, we get along wonderfully, make each other laugh constantly, his family is absolutely wonderful and they love me to death.
The above and the below contradict each other
I was still somewhat struggling with some trust issues with him because of some things that went on earlier in our relationship
Be honest with yourself. You were not completely happy and satisfied. If you were, you wouldnt be snooping and you wouldnt have had issues with him already.
So, this guy had issues already and now again.
Don't you think you deserve and honest guy who is totally into you?
I agree about the attention thing. It seems as though there are more and more men with this issue in the age of instant everything...instant message, text, online dating. They can't stop seeking that thrill they get from out of attention from other women. It's pathetic really. Sadly, there have been guys I've dated in the past who will contact me once they have a SO and say things like your BF (and no I do NOT reciprocate). They will start out friendly and then try to progress further and further into flirtation. I've even said "don't you have a girlfriend?!" just like that email you found. I've seen this enough that it scares me that their SO's probably think they're so wonderful and have no idea. Sadly I don't think you will ever be able to trust him again, and I also don't think this would be his last slip up. Who knows what it could progress to in the future. I'm sorry, I would be so devastated
What were his prior actions that led to this: " I was still somewhat struggling with some trust issues with him because of some things that went on earlier in our relationship"
He is lying to your face about behaving inappropriately with other women, and I'm guessing your prior trust issues had to do with other women as well, right? You want to believe he can turn into a man you can trust, because you love him, but you need to realize that he is showing you who he truly is, and that's not someone you can trust. For me, this would be a dealbreaker. It's better for you to move on now, when he's just a boyfriend. Without being able to trust your partner, what is left of a relationship?
No, they take them into the bathroom to play Angry Birds! (or insert other game name here). OP, I replied before reading your update. This guy is not trustworthy. I'm sorry you had to find out this way, but I'm glad you found out before you married him. There is no real love or real relationship without trust, and this is not a man you can trust.
He is not going to stop doing this.
This. It's incredibly sad that the happiest relationship you've ever had has been with a guy who has been lying to you since day one, constantly flirts in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, and sends messages of a sexual nature to other women.
Even if nothing he's done could technically be considered "wrong", why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who makes you feel uncomfortable and paranoid? For the record, he's a total sleazebag, but even if he weren't, someone who puts you on edge like this all the time is not the right person for you.
He will never change and you already know you do not trust him. Run far away! I am sorry you are going through this, but I know exactly how it feels because my EX had all sorts of "friends" that he emailed and texted. I couldn't trust him and knew I never could. It's a hard reality to come to terms with, but when you leave it feels like a weight has been lifted. It takes time, but you really will thank yourself for leaving. I found someone where looking through his email or phone are never even a thought because I trust him so much. Good luck!