Relationships
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: want to chat?
I want to ask you guys, do you have passion in your marriage? Lust? Anything like that?
My "personality type" (according to the therapist) is one that desires passion and sadly I can say we've just never had that. And I don't know if it can be manufactured.
I would say yes, but I'm not sure a newer relationship is representative of what you're comparing to.
I do understand where you're coming from though. I absolutely need that and would be unhappy without it. Big time unhappy (particularly if it was there and then not). There's someone I'm very close to that has a similar situation to what you've described and I worry for her/them because I know she needs that and yet he is an amazing guy and they love each other and treat each other well.
I think passion can ebb & flow but if you think you "never" had it, and that's what you feel you need, then that is a problem. I know we had A LOT of it in the beginning, then it was up and down, and having a kid, my mom dying, other major stresses, etc messed with that in a huge way. But I don't ever think about being with someone else or that someone else might be better suited to me, I don't feel insecure in our relationship and there is no resentment between us.
The difference I think is feeling you're missing out or missing something you need. I'm "happy" with B even if our life is kind of difficult right now and has been for the past 3 years. We both know there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.
I have had that sure. Definitely not now, but in the period between the pregnancies it was there again although not as intense as when things were new.
There is a comfort level between us and some intimacy between us that we didn't have in the beginning either though, so I feel like there is a trade off.
And I saw your floyd comment.
Oh my dearie, you are so far from that I almost want to laugh in your face. And then punch you in your face. And then snuggle you.
Yeah. That's what I'm struggling with. I just feel no attraction to him in that way. And now I'm noticing other men etc. I think most people would be thrilled with the life I have. Why aren't I? Why am I wanting more? And what makes me feel even worse is that Mike wants more too, with me. I just don't know that I can give it to him. Like it's too late. He's working hard in therapy. Working hard to be open to me and express his feelings and desires for the first time. But I feel like I needed to hear this stuff years ago, you know?
I totally get that.
I am familiar with the too, little too late. If you have in fact already checked out, hen you need to be honest with yourself and mike about that. If he continues to try and put his all into things only to find out it wouldn't have made a difference no matter what, he will be hurt by that.
You have to stop judging your feelings. Your feelings are valid. You have a right to think these things. You have a right to be happy and get what you need out of life. You have a right to think of yourself and not to guilt yourself because you are also a wife and a mother. At the core, you are you and you need to allow yourself to think about you.
Your life though isn't about what's on paper- a nice husband, kids, a house, a job, etc. It's how you feel. So, even if others would covet your life, you're the one who has to live in it. Of course someone might look from the outside and count your blessings, but living it is another story. No one is you, has your feelings and desires, etc. And what you wanted 5-10 years ago doesn't mean it's what your ideal life looks like now. Maybe you had different priorities when you got together and some of the "on paper" things were more important then. Or you didn't know yourself as well.
Therapy is a very personal journey. Even if you're doing it theoretically to save a relationship, it's really about personal growth. So, it's great that he's opening and growing, but that doesn't mean therapy is going to make you grow together. Sometimes therapy does the opposite of what you think it's going to do. It makes you come to difficult realizations that once out there, you can't and shouldn't just push down. He obviously has/had some issues he needed to work out in a general way. Whether it's "good enough" to save the marriage is sort of another story. Once you feel done, it's really hard to come back from that. Because once you're fantasizing what you'd be doing if you were able to be on your own, that's really intoxicating, even if unrealistic. (I say unrealistic because even if you get what you fantasize about, there are still moments of WTF did I do where you question your decisions usually)
You're entitled to want more if you feel anything isn't enough. It's not like there's a magic point in time in a marriage where it just becomes more unless you make it. You either feel you can or you can't. Otherwise, you're just flipping, flopping, and restless. That's not a way to live life.
You are making me cry.
I think I'm letting my fears of being on my own and how hard that will be overwhelm me.In some respects, I was the person in Mike's shoes once. It was different in the obvious way that we were not married with children, but it was a long-term relationship in which my ex realized he wanted things that he had never had with me, and needed in a relationship. Though it hurt at the time to hear it, and to hear that "working on it" wasn't going to change things, in the long-term I'm so grateful that he didn't just suffer in an unfulfilling relationship.
this is something I'm going to regret posting and it's sure to get me on the next to divorce list.
There is passion in my marriage, but is it enough? I'm not sure, I'm a needy person I always want more, but I don't think it would ever be enough for me no matter how much passion or love was there. I love my H and I know he loves me and we have a great relationship, I don't think I could get what we have with anyone else. Could I get more passion? maybe? but with everything together I'll take what we have. I'm happy, I don't feel like I'm settling, I think some of my "needs" are ridiculous and impossible for anyone to ever meet.
I don't know if any of that makes sense, but I think as long as you're "needs" are reasonable and you aren't getting them from your current relationship, it's probably time to move on.
WTF? maybe I'm still drunk from last night. I reread this and I'm not sure what I'm talking about.
I have wondered before if I could be happy or happier with someone else. I am very much a grass is always greener person, so that is to be expected I guess. And, I always notice men
But, I wouldn't be. I am one of those crazies that plays things out in their head and every scenario puts me back where I am now. Maybe that is your problem.
And I agree with Winged about your feelings. They are yours, don't try to justify them.
And with the passion, it ebbs and flows. In your case, is it never there?
Honestly, Kristen, I am so sorry.
ETA: Mashed, I am picking up what you are putting down.
For less then ten cents a day, you can feed a hungry child.
I don't want to make you cry. I have just seen you post over and over about how you feel and then dismiss your right to feel that way.
And I can understand a fear about being on your own. It is a big step, for sure. But you are not taking this lightly and you are not alone in making the decision, so in the end, if that is what you both choose, it is because that is what is best for everyone involved.
Of course it makes sense. It's looking at the whole package instead of a la carte. In my case, I've had much crazier sexual relationships in my life but that's because I was on the perpetual chase of the Bad Boy. Guys that were emotionally unavailable. So, the only way I felt I could get them was sexually. And of course that never worked. I guess you could say those relationships may have had more passion, but they were also much shorter, the only stress involved was the stress they caused me but not like serious, real life shiit that comes with a longterm marriage. And it was a lot of fight, make up, fight, make up, etc. I don't have that with B. He's an awesome husband and father. But, this is my longest relationship I've ever been in and presumably will be. I think any marriage goes through cycles, but realizing you have unrealistic expectations and needs is part of keeping that relationship healthy. It's when you don't think your marriage is EVER going to live up to your needs when they are realistic is when you have serious questions to ask yourself.
I bet her FUPA's name is Shane, like the gunslinger/drifter of literature.--HappyTummy
Kristen, it's been said over and over, but I will say it again. Don't worry about your family or your friends or whoever and what they will think. No one has to live your life but you. And even with my two divorces, I find that most people aren't judgy. Chances are, they've been there as well.
Also, I'll reiterate the advice I've given to everyone I've known going through a divorce or hard time - This sucks right now. A whole bunch. But, in the scheme of your whole life, the one or two (but probably not that long) years that will suck are very small. You'll get through this, come out on the other side, and think okay, that wasn't so bad.
I remember the night you gave this advice to me, when you drove across town to sit at the park with me while I cried, and I remember how much it helped me. I now pass this advice on as well because it is so true.
Good luck, KB. People who judge from the outside can only do so because they don't know what they're talking about.
Yes. The guy that I dated right before Zane and I got together made me feel weak in my knees and jelly legged just by looking at me from across the room. We were on again, off again from 16 until I dated Zane. We never stayed together because ultimately, he was a drugged out hippie that couldn't hold down a job, stay in school, or do anything that required not partying all night. I loved him and part of me probably always will, but that passion and fire was not worth it.
I'm not at all saying that you should stay in a situation that makes you unhappy, so I hope it didn't seem that way. I just know that for me, while the passion and lust is not as strong with my husband, he loves me, cherishes me, respects me, and makes up for it in so many other ways.
KB, I'm glad you are talking about this a bit more here. I know you have been hesitant about it. Everybody has given much better advice than I could, so I'll just give some (((hugs))).
Regarding your question about passion, to be honest, I think I am the opposite. Without knowing too many details, I think I might be in Mike's shoes. I just have never been one to want passion and romance and all of that. I love my husband, I love our life together, and I can't imagine any other way. However, when my husband goes through his mood swings that I refer to as his "black cloud," I sometimes worry that he is having the same feelings that you seem to have. If it ever comes to a point where he decides that he needs more from me, I would certainly make efforts to work on it, but ultimately, I'm not sure I would be able to change that part of myself. It is how I have always been.
All my rambling is to say, trust yourself. Life is what you make it. Our time is far to short to try to change something about yourself that you really shouldn't have to change. Don't ignore what you want in order to keep others happy.
I am sorry you are struggling. I imagine it is made so much more difficult because he is a good husband (see this makes you the opposite of Floyd). Everyone here has great advice and genuinely cares about you so I think it is good to use as a sounding board to say things out loud to help you. I really wish you all the best no matter what happens.
I feel very much the way Mashed does. Intimacy is vital to me, but "passion" (code for lots of sex), isn't as nearly high on my list as emotional availability and solid partnership. I've had the can't keep our hands off each other relationships and they are a lot of fun. I think you may find relationships that have all of everything but I guess I'd be wary of putting emphasis on passion if it means losing out on the other parts because passion is always ebbing and flowing. That said, it is troubling that you've never felt it for him. I can remember you saying several times that you'd had a relationship before M that was really good but that when you met M, you knew you wanted to marry him. That was before you knew he was a good partner and father, so do you remember why you felt that way?
I think you have to decide whether you would be happier in this marriage or on your own. I think thinking whether you'd be happier with M or with someone else is dangerous because that someone else isn't real--he's a fantasy and either he jumps your bones when you walk in the house then does the dishes and puts the kids to bed before settling on the couch with wine to discuss your feelings about your day or he jumps your bones but is lousy with the kids and daily tasks. You can't factor in someone who only exists in your fantasies or fears.
I can totally get this worry. In past relationships, I have asked myself "What if it doesn't get better than this?" But the problem is that you're always going to wonder if there's more out there, so you're never going to feel content/satisfied with what you have. So you're going to remain unhappy. It doesn't matter what anyone else would do in your situation. It doesn't matter if anyone else would be satisfied with the relationship you and Mike have. All that matters is how you feel. It's not fair to go through the motions of trying to make it work when you know deep down that it just won't.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
I think this is very wise. Again, none of us are living your life, so only you know what will make you happy. If he's trying as hard as you say, maybe it is fixable and this will just be a rough patch you barely remember 20 years from now. Maybe it's not. I don't know, but we're all here for you regardless. Never forget that.
I think this is very true. And I think this is the reason my brother has chosen to remain in his marriage despite all else.