Trouble in Paradise
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Update
Thank you all for listening to me and giving me support. After reading the advice from everyone I called my sister this morning and told her everything. She said there was no way she was letting me stay at my house for even another day. She sent me money for a hotel for tonight and she called my parents (which I didn't want her to do) but they booked me a flight home for tomorrow morning. DH left today for a business trip and won't be back until Saturday. He called earlier to tell me his flight landed, I haven't told him that I left yet. I feel really bad lying to him. I really hate for things to be like this. I feel like I'm walking out on him. I don't know if or when I will be coming back but I think time away will be good for both of us. Maybe he will see me leaving as a chance for us to fix things, I really love him more than anything and I hate to do this to him without saying anything. This is very hard for me and I really don't know whats going to happen from here, I hope I haven't made a terrible mistake.
Re: Update
Good job for leaving! Stay strong, okay?
When you get back home, please find a counselor.
You are absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt doing the right thing!
Do you not feel like your H treated you like a piece of meat and let his friend rape you? I know that's a harsh reality, but it's true. Once you really believe that, you will find the strength to stay strong. Saying it out loud will help. Your H made you have sex with his friend.
I know this is hard, but you are doing the right thing! Lean on your friends and family right now, they love you and this is not your fault, so you have nothing to be ashamed of.
Once upon a time, there was a boy who loved a girl, and her laughter was a question he wanted to spend his whole life answering.
I'm very thankful that your family will be there for you!
I read your post last night and YOU are doing nothing to him. He's a POS, sorry.
Some things you just can't fix and this is one of them. Good luck to you!
Please please please get yourself intense couseling...you are obviously confused as to what love really is.
Your H let his friend $%$#%##^ you. He pimped you out. He used you like a piece of trash and all you talk about is YOUR GUILT.
Seriously you need counseling at ;east 2xs a week for a few weeks and then maybe you can go to 1x....but you need it and a lot of it. It is your only chance of ever having a healthy relationship wioth yourself and another person.
I read your other post very late and didn't have anything more to add, so I didn't comment in that one. I'm glad to see this update and that you are getting out. Don't tell your H until you are safely back home with your family. You have nothing to feel guilty about here - does he feel guilty for what he did to you? Your other post indicated he didn't see a problem with what had happened. You owe this jerk nothing.
Take care of yourself. You absolutely did/are doing the right thing.
I agree.
As an outsider, most of us find it really difficult to think that you would even consider going back to him after he facilitated your rape. However, I know you are still dealing with the initial trauma, so it will take a while before you are able to obtain enough distance before the fog begins to clear.
I think you are correct in that distance will be good for both of you. I think you need distance to heal and grow so you can one day share in a loving, mutually respectful relationship with someone else. And I think he needs distance to get himself in some serious individual therapy so he can have some chance at rehabilitation (and more importantly, so he will not continue to treat human beings the way he treated you). I do not think distance/therapy/time will ever be enough to create a healthy relationship between the two of you. He broke that, and what he did is completely irreversible.
I think what Kuus said yesterday was really well put. Regardless of what can or cannot be changed, you can never teach a woman to trust a man after he helps someone rape her. He can never go back and erase what he did. I am sorry he did that to you.
Good luck moving forward. I am glad your family was there for you.
Any good man would understand why you need to leave without telling him, and not hold it against you at all. He is the one who put you in that position, it's 100% his fault you need to do this, and you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Thank you for the update.
I am so glad you updated and that you are safe! I'm glad that your family is helping you and you'll soon be surrounded by people who care. Hopefully, once you are with them you'll remember what it feels like to feel safe and protected and see how different that is from what you have here.
This is a good first step for you and I'm so glad you did it. Please try to remember that you are not the one who walked out on this marriage - your husband did that when he stopped caring for, loving and protecting you. He's the one who destroyed your marriage. He's the one who deserted you when you needed him. Not the other way around.
When you get home, please call a counselor and go for at least a few sessions on your own before you think about your relationship anymore.
Take care of yourself and please keep up updated. I'm so proud of you that you took such a big first step for yourself and I know that took a lot of strength.
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I'm so proud of you. You probably will never feel proud of yourself for doing it, but you should because it was something that needed to be done. Now you just have to stick to it. We're all proud of you.
See how much your family cares for you? They're there to lean on when you need them, that's what family does.
You didn't have to tell him a thing. He'll find out in due time. It was much smarter to do it this way so you wouldn't have a confrontation with him. Don't let him sweet talk you and convince you to go back to him. Be strong. You deserve so much better. Remember that.
Thank you for updating!
I'm SO proud of you for making that phone call. You've made the right steps to get away.
I know it's hard to process right now but please try to lessen the guilt on yourself. Remember that he abused your love and body to give to his friend. Please try and remember that HE hurt YOU not the other way around. You are doing what is best for YOU based on his actions the other night.
Please keep us updated. YOU CAN DO THIS!! Stay strong and come here when you need support!
good luck. You'll be in my prayers.
I'm glad to hear you're getting away from him for a while and it's great to hear that your family is supporting you. Please find an individual therapist once you're back home. Now is a time to gather as much support around you as possible.
I agree with others that it's best not to tell your husband anything about your whereabouts until you're back home. That will be safer than while you're still easily accessible to him were he back from the trip.
You are so strong and it's really wonderful to hear that you're taking steps to care for yourself!
Thank God you're leaving. You are NOT making a mistake. You are NOT walking out on him. He walked out in you the second he allowed his friend to rape you.
Please get some sexual assault counseling. It sounds like you don't think what happened was rape.
Thank you for the update!
You are doing the right thing. Look at how your parents and sister reacted when they were told the situation. That should tell you right there that you are doing the right thing. Look at all the responses you got in the last thread. Not one person said you should stay with this guy or feel guilty for leaving.
Take heart and be strong. It's time to leave this guy for good.
Good Job for doing the right thing! I know it's hard and you are questioning your actions. That's totally natural.
Once you're home, don't let your H talk you into coming back to him. He might manipulate, beg, and promise the world to get you to come back to him. Don't do it. It won't turn out the way you want.
If you get feeling down or confused, rely on your friends, family, counselors, and the good folks here on the Nest for support. We're here for you and we care about your well being.
Thanks for the update. I was worried about you.
Woodie
I am so glad for your update. I am so glad you posted to this site with your problem in the first place. You are doing the right thing. All of these people responding to you with their support are all saying the same thing to you. Please hold their words with you when he tries to make you feel bad for leaving, when you start to feel guilty.
Please remember that a few days ago, you felt totally alone and now you have probably at least hundred people who want to help lift you up and free you of your abuser.
We are all think of you. We are all rooting for you. We are all very very proud of you for taking the first step and know, with your family behind you, you have the strength to start this hard road to freedom, health, and ultimately Real love.
You are more powerful than you think. Just remember that every time you start wondering if you did the right thing. The fact that you took this step means you're powerful enough to leave that situation forever and make a better, more fulfilling life for yourself. {{hugs}}
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
I'm so glad to hear that you're going somewhere safe. Definitely find a counselor as soon as you get home. This is a really brave thing you're doing, and I know you will get through this.
I am so happy to hear this update!! You did the right thing. Please know that you aren't doing this to him, he did this to himself by treating you the way that he did. You deserve a man who will treat you right and love you and respect you. He is out there! But for now, go to therapy, get back in school, and reconnect with your family and friends. I know they are so happy to have you home and safe. Good luck!
Good for you. Ditto on the counseling. You need a professional to reinforce what you're hearing from all of us.
I know you love him and want to fix things, but he doesn't love you. No man who loved his wife would offer her to one of his friends and threaten her if she didn't go along with it. Have you ever heard of things like that in a loving relationship? Fairytales? Books? Of course not! He doesn't see you as a person worthy of love. He sees you as his property, free to be passed around as he sees fit. He doesn't see you as worthy of respect, or a choice, or an equal say in the relationship. He won't be sad when he finds out you've left. He'll be pissed off. He may not show it. In fact, I'm guessing he'll be all words of love, and apologetic and he'll beg for your forgiveness. And then once you're back under his control, he'll display his anger. I think your husband sounds like a scary dude and I think if you go back to him you'll soon face consequences more severe than pimping you to his friend.
I have to come out of hiding to say that I am so happy to have seen this update!!!
In addition to counseling, I have a book recommendation. It is called "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. This book has been amazing for me in my personal journey. One that is far from over, but you've mentioned that money is a concern for you and I know that the first time I read this book, I checked it out at our local library for free.
Please, Please, PLEASE do not doubt yourself. You are absolutelly doing the right thing and I am so proud of you! I know everyone else is too! This site is full of amazing people and amazing resources. Come here whenever you feel weak, they will lift you up.
Praying for you on your journey,
Tigersi