Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Not sure what to do
Last week I left my house and have been living with my sister. DH came home from his trip on Saturday and called me since I was not there. He seems really upsetthat I left and has been calling non-stop since Saturday morning. He's apologized more times than I can count and says he really wants to see me. He wants to fly out here and for us to spend the weekend together at a hotel. I really don't know what to do. The first few times he called I told him I didn't want to talk but he left really long messages apologizing and saying he wants me to come back so we can start our family. Before this whole thing he wasn't yet ready and didn't want to start ttc yet, but he said if I come home we can start trying now. I want a family of my own so much, I've waited forever to hear him say he is ready too. He also sent me flowers today. I want to give him a chance but my sister is saying this is all an act and he's not really sorry. I'm so confused I miss him so much and I feel bad that he keeps calling crying and apologizing. I told him I'm not sure if it would be a good idea for him to visit this weekend. I really hate all of this so much.
Re: Not sure what to do
I don't recall your backstory, but bribing you with a baby is pretty low.
ETA: Ohhhhh, now I remember. You need to cut off communication with him and get into counseling posthaste. This is the cycle of abuse. Please take a gander at the link at the top of the board. It will provide you with many resources.
Uh huh. So now that you finally got the courage to leave, he wants to tie you to him more strongly by knocking you up, so next time he has a friend rape you, it won't be so easy for you to leave.
Flowers and an apology don't make up for rape. Listen to your sister. Whether he's sorry or not (and he isn't), he's still an appallingly terrible person.
May I remind you that your husband is the man that pressured you to sleep with another man? He doesn't respect you. He doesn't protect you. He isolated you from your friends and family.
Of course he is apologizing. That's the next step in the cycle of abuse, after all.
He is manipulating you.
Please go back and read your original post.
This ?sshat let his friend rape you . . .AND you still want to be with him???
If you had a daughter, what would you want her to do??
Do not see him, do not talk to him. Do not pick up the phone and do not listen to the voicemail messages. Just delete them.
This is the "man" who loaned you out to one of his friends. He does not respect you. Please don't go back and try to start a family with him because this will never end. Babies do not fix marriages. All children would do would be to make you feel ultimately more trapped.
You're an incredibly strong person for getting out of there. Don't let him pull you back in. Please, go get therapy. You need to be able to understand that nothing that was done to you was your fault and there is no way on this earth that you should be willingly going back to him.
Frankly, OP... the thought of you spending a weekend alone in a hotel with him scares the sh*t out of me for you.
He is going to say and do whatever he can to get you to come back, but he doesn't mean any of it. Listen to your sister. She is right, and she is trying to protect your. Your H on the other hand, does not care about you. If he did he wouldn't have let his friend rape you.
Please find a counselor, and don't even think about going back to see him. We're here for you. Don't take his calls anymore. Ignore, and delete the messages. Nothing he could ever say will be good enough.
I know that no one wants to hear the term "abuser" in relation to the people they love, but your husband exhibits classic signs of an abuser. His behavior now that you've left is further supporting that. It's very common for mean, demeaning, or manipulative behavior to take place in an abusive relationship. When the victim leaves or expresses discontent, apologies are profuse and appear sincere, but a change never lasts.
Please understand that this man is not the man you want him to be. His apologies are not sincere in that he'll be changing his bad behavior for you.
Please realize that going back to him, meeting with him for a weekend so he can guilt, manipulate, or persuade you in person -- is a terrible idea. And please, please know that having a child with this man as he is now is quite possibly the worst thing you can do for yourself.
This. He is absolutely continuing the cycle of abuse, he is being apologetic and trying to suck you back in. The fact that he now says he's ready to try to conceive is another ploy to get you more stuck in this situation. DO NOT GO BACK. Please listen to your sister.
None of this is surprising in the least. This is very typical in abusive relationships.
Don't meet with him and don't call him. He is not sorry for hurting you; he's only sorry that you have shown him consequences for his behavior by leaving.
No, it's not ok.
He's been manipulating you for years. He knows how to do it. What makes you think it won't work on you this time?
You need to avoid contact with him until you get your feet under you and do some therapy.
I agree with your sister that it's a ploy. How far away are you living now? I'd tell him you want to live apart for two months, with both of you in individual therapy before you discuss getting back together. Then I would want to do individual as well as couples counseling for 6 months, make a decision at the end of that time as to whether or not you will start spending time together (dating) before moving back in together.
I really don't think he will change permanently, the things you originally described are just too sick, self absorbed, abusive to be fixed. But I think if there is any way in hell this can be fixed it won't be overnight by a threat from you, it would be a gradual process with lots of professionals involved. My hope is that if you do individual counseling every single week, you'll get emotionally stronger and have more clarity when examining this relationship.
No, no, no, no, please no. I'm really sorry, but you can't fix this. You just can't. I know you must be scared and sad and confused, but going back would be a terrible idea. Can you talk to your sister more?
Counseling may seem scary, but if you can find a good counselor, it will help so much. Talking is good, get it all out, but please do not consider going to see him.
FWIW my job is working with victims of domestic violence, so the psychological stuff you're going through I see all the time. I know that you feel guilty right now but it is probably best to keep your distance and you should not see him until you start therapy on your own. Call the nearest rape advocacy center or center for victims of domestic violence and they can get you into counseling ASAP. If you see him now you are only going to feel more guilty and have less closure. He'll keep pressuring you to go home and even though your head knows you shouldn't, you might not be able to stand up to the pressure. This is not something that can be "fixed" overnight. If he really loves you he will give you the space to get emotionally healthy and make a good decision; reality is he likes owning you and he knows this is the window of time where he can convince you otherwise.
I'll also tell you that the most dangerous time for women in abusive relationships is when they leave. This is when you see the most violence and the most severe violence b.c. abusers do not like losing control. Seeing him in person could be very physically dangerous to you, even if he has never hit you before. Your original post raised red flags in my head, which through my training and experience lead me to believe that he could be very dangerous to you. Please stay away and work on yourself before you agree to talk to him.
So, you would consider having a baby with this man? You are that desperate?
Maybe hed let his friends have sex with your daughter as well.
You have not mentioned counseling at all, you need it NOW.
Absolutely not.
If you need someone to hold your hand through your first counseling session, I'm sure your sister would be happy to do so.
Abusers talk a good game, that's their nature. They know they can get you back by apologizing and saying nice things. "It will be different this time, I'm so sorry. I've been under a lot of stress and the things that I did were horrible. I know you won't ever forgive me or trust me again, but I want to work on it...on us. We had such a good time when we (insert dating good time here). Remember that? I want it to be that way again. I know it can be if we work on it. I know you want a baby and I think I'm ready. I think a baby can bring us back together. We'll be the parents we always wanted to be. It will be great. Just meet up with me this weekend. We can plan everything and talk about it all. And then, if you're ready, you can come home. Back home to me and we can start this new life together. Please, baby. Give me one more chance. It's going to be different this time."
Sound familiar? It's manipulative bulllshit. It will not change, it will only get worse. If you go back, he has won. He knows that you will always go back to him no matter what he does. He is saying all the right things, that's the modus operandi of abusers. DO NOT LISTEN TO HIM. It will not change, regardless of the promises he makes or the progress he shows. He will make counseling appointments. He will beat up his friend. He will do whatever he needs to if it will get you back. It is a smoke screen, a mirage. All of those things will disappear like a puff of smoke if you step foot in that front door.
Trust me on this. I went back to an abuser and I paid the price. I am insanely grateful that I did not have children with my ex. I know without a doubt in my heart that I would be dead had I stayed with him. Please, please, listen to your family and us on here. We are looking objectively and there is nothing redeeming about him. He is a user, and abuser. He will kill you, if not physically, than mentally and emotionally. This is not the life you want for yourself. You are young, you are smart, you have family and friends who love you. He does not love you. He loves the power and control that he has over you. Show him you are not the slave he thinks you are. Stand up to him and refuse to be manipulated and abused. DO NOT BE HIS DOORMAT.
Whatever you do, no matter what he says, do not ever let yourself be alone with this man ever again. Take your sister, your mom, your dad, or a cop with you to any and all encounters you may have to have with this man. Get into counseling NOW. You are strong enough and smart enough to realize this guy is bad news.
Do not see him. I shudder to think what will happen to you I he gets you alone in a hotel room.
If the thought of divorcing him right now is too much for you to bear, take baby steps. Tell him if he's really sorry and really wants to work on things, he has to give you at least 3 months' space.
Also, I'm wondering what you think about counseling is so scary? Not saying that to be snarky, but if you're not scared shittless to go back to a man who will let his friends rape you, why are you scared to see someone who's TRAINED to help people? I'm sure your sister will go with you.
Did he give you any reason as to WHY he did what he did?
Please, please go to a counselor. Turn your phone off and don't turn it back on until you've gone to a counselor a few times. Distance from him is the best thing right now.
I know you're confused and sad and scared but you are most vulnerable right now and like the other posters have said, I am fearful for your safety if you spend any time with him at all right now.
He doesn't love you. I know that hurts to read/hear but he doesn't. A man that loves you does not make you have sex with his friends. A man that loves you does not keep you from or make you feel guilty for talking or seeing your friends and family.
Since reading your original post I have been wondering what has happened to you and worried.
I'm so glad you are with your sister, but go to counseling. You can survive this.
Please don't call him, don't see him, don't let him sweet talk you.
Change your number. Give all reminders of him to your sister and ask her to hide them from you. Does he know where your sister lives? Check all the doors and make sure all the locks are strong. Check all the windows and make sure they're locked tightly.
Please don't fall for his manipulative ways. You will just end up back where you were and probably fearing for your life.
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{ For Adam | For Adria }
Throw away your phone and get a new number. Don't talk to him, in person, on the phone, or through email.
The man you fell in love with, was not real. This man is very real and very dangerous.
What if you were to have a daughter with him? Do you really want to worry that one day, he will tell one of his friends that it's okay "to have a go" with her? Would you ever be able to forgive yourself, if that happened?
You deserve a REAL FAMILY. Not one built on his love of control. The only reason he wants to TTC, is because he thinks, it will help him control you again. That would not be a real family.
If he really loved you, he would let you make your own decisions. Your family loves, that's why that let you do what you felt was best. But now because they love you they are trying to protect you from him, because he is cruel and manipulative. He does not love you. He did not protect you, all he did was show his friends his control over you. Your parents and your sister love you, and they are your family.
I know it's going to be hard for you to come to terms with this, but there's nothing you can do to fix this. And I agree with everyone else, if you did go back and get pregnant, what makes you think he wouldn't be as cavalier with his daughter's sexuality as he is with yours?
Burn your phone, throw in down into the sewer, or run over it with your car.
Also, please read the thread that is stickied on TIP homepage.
Think about this: you are considering having a baby with a man who let another man rape you. Can't you see how ridiculous that sounds?
Think about this, too: If your sister's boyfriend/husband stood by and watched her get raped, would you okay with her having a baby with said person?
DO NOT GO BACK TO THIS MAN. IGNORE HIS CALLS. TRUST US.