Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Not sure what to do
Exactly, part of being a good mom is choosing a good man to be a good father to you and your children. Being a good mom starts at the beginning. Your future children deserve a better father than your husband. A much much much better father than your husband. A man that treats their mother with admiration and respect, a man that is loving and kind, a man that is patient and selfless. Your husband is not a man like that. He isn't even close. HE is totally devoid of character, empahty and is just a monster. He doesn't respect you, he doesn't admire you. He doesn't even think you have a soul.
He is just pretending right now. It is all fake, all an act, all a sham. He knows what to say to try to get you back , but this isn't the real him. You have seen the real him.
Listen, in my married life my husband and I have been through a lot. IL troubles, two job losses and worst we had to bury our daughter when she was 4 months old. One thing I have learned throughout this ( and something I tell my sisters and single friends) is that you absolutely have to choose a man with character. You have no idea what life has in store for you. No idea. You could deal with a permanent disability, chronic diseases or illness, loss of jobs, loss of parents, loss of homes, infertility, a child with special needs or like us the loss of a child. That is why I am so eternally grateful that I married my husband. Throughout everything, he has been so strong, so loving, so kind, so patient, and so selfless. Even in the moments when I thought I was losing my mind to grief. He has done nothing but bless my life and I am so glad that I was smart enough to choose him to be my husband and father to my children. This is a man who will wear tiaras and let my DD ( child #2) put make up on him. HE will paint my DD's fingernails. He has changed more diapers than I can care to count. This is a man who will get up with me when our DS is crying in the middle of the night and tell me to go back to bed and he will give him a bottle. This is a man who will spend hours out in the cold shoveling snow so that me and the kids can have a clean sidewalk and driveway to get to the car. Now I am not some great beauty or successful or charming. I just knew how vitally important it was to find a man with character.
Please know I think you are very smart and courageous to leave him and talk to your family. That took an incredible amount of strenth and wisdom. Draw upon that strength again and block him from your phone. He will give you and any future children a lifetime of misery. Please see a counselor. We went to grief counseling after our Sophia passed away and it was one of the healthiest decisions I ever made.
No, No, NO! DO NOT go see him face to face.
I understand it is hard, but do not go see him face to face.
I am glad you left and you're with your sister. Listen to her, she knows exactly what she is talking about. Stay with her and I would stop all communications with him.
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Please do not see or talk to this man. If your sister has said she will get you a phone on her plan, let her do it. Would you do it for her if the situation was reversed?
His explanation is ridiculous. What you felt in that moment was valid. And the next day he wouldn't even talk to you about it. Remember? It's easy for us to remember all the "good things" and forget the horrendous things a man has done to us when we're trying to get out of the relationship. Please remember what he has done to you and KNOW that he will do it again and again and again until you leave him again.
As hard as it was to leave this time, it will be 10 times harder to do it again. You've gotten out, now stay out. I'm sure your sister will go with you to therapy. She's your family. That's what they're there for. Lean on her until you can stand on your own.
*hugs*
A man that is happy to let his friends rape his wife is a man who will also let his friends rape his daugther.
Dying to have a child with him now?
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Stay strong! You deserve a man who gets you flowers because he loves you, not because you left him for abusing you. You deserve someone who calls you because he loves to hear your voice or wants to make plans or was thinking of you, not because he abused you to the point that you left for your own safety.You deserve someone who loves you as much as you have loved this man.
Ditto the pp's, don't answer his calls. If he sends you anything, "return to sender" will take it right back. He's likely to get even more dramatic, trying to "win" you back over. He may even fly out to whisk you back home. Ignore. It. All. If he does something stupid enough as to try to physically come get you, call the police and do not engage.
As others have said, DO NOT see him. It's very likely that he would beat you and then forcibly take you back with him. And probably let more men rape you to punish you for leaving.
And I like how he takes no responsibility for the rape and hints that you're somehow to blame for it. Classic abuser behavior.
There will be no closure from seeing him. As others have said, only throug counseling will you get closure and perspective on this relationship.
How old are you? I'm guessing you're young and this was your first serious relationship.
OP, stay far away from him. His apologies, flowers, and promises are all lies and manipulation. Throw your phone away. If it's in his name, that's just one more way he has of controlling you. Let your sister put you on her plan. This is a time where the more help and support you have, the better.
If you need your sister with you for your first therapy session, just ask her. I am sure she would be more than happy to help you. But, you need to make that appointment asap. The sooner you meet with someone, the stronger you will become.
He didn't give you an answer at all beyond showing you what an insensitive doucher he is. He wanted to show his friend what he was missing? WTF!?!?
This guy has no respect for you or your marriage. I have no doubt in my mind that he would do something equally detestable to any child you have with him.
Dump your phone, take the phone your sister gets for you, get into counseling and don't look back. Hold on to the anger you feel let it motivate you to get the he!! away from him for good. He doesn't deserve you and you deserve so much better than him.
He wanted to show him what he was missing!? He is treating you like an object with no feelings, something to show off to his friends as he pleases. Also, if he wanted the kind of relationship where he could watch his wife having sex with other people, he should have gotten into a relationship with a woman who is ok with swinging. This is not ok. He's not going to change, and I have a feeling that now that he's experienced his fantasy, this wouldn't be the last time he will try to pull something like this if you go back to him. And going back to him will just reinforce to him that this behavior IS, in fact, acceptable. The fact that they were drinking is not an excuse. I had a girlfriend once tell me that my husband was very handsome while we were all drinking. My reaction was NOT to loan him out to her for the night to "show her what she is missing."
Also, him telling you that he wouldn't REALLY have made you leave if you hadn't done it is no points in his favor. HE LET IT HAPPEN. He made you feel pressured to have sex with someone you didn't want to have sex with, he WAS OK WITH HIS WIFE BEING RAPED. Don't listen to his pleas for you to come back.
What's the best case scenario, here, if you go back to him? That he doesn't let one of his friends rape you again? In that case, you are still with a man that LET THAT HAPPEN, was OK WITH IT until you walked out. He did not care about your feelings regarding the incident, until HE was facing the consequences. This is sociopathic, abusive behavior. Do you really want to live the rest of your life knowing that this could happen again? He is an abuser, and he knows how to manipulate you. If you have a child with this man, his power over you will increase tenfold. Would you want your daughter raised by a man who thinks it's ok to loan his wife out to his friends? What happens if he were to have the same attitude about your daughter? Nothing about his actions as described here makes me doubt that he is the kind of man that could do something like that.
I know I've been posting on your threads a lot, but I am worried about you and also so proud of you for taking that first step. Think to yourself how much strength it took to walk out. Realize that you, YOU alone, had to courage to do that. Walking away is the hardest step. It's all downhill from here. It will be difficult but I promise you that if you keep yourself strong, go to counseling, etc., you will come out of this stronger and happier than if you keep letting this POS abuse you.
I am not a regular poster on this forum, but I had to log in to reply. I have been following your story. I've been in your shoes.
First of all please seek counseling from a domestic violence shelter, it is usually free of charge. They can explain the cycle of abuse to you. The behavior he is exhibiting now is in the cycle.
Second, you have nothing to fix. You can't fix him. You can't fix the relationship without serous help from professionals in the field of domestic abuse.
Anyone who does what he did to you is seriously a very sick individual and you know in your heart it is true. But because you have such a good heart, all of this is so hard for you, I understand.
I don't mean to be harsh to you at all but you are sick as well. Please seek help now. Do not see him, do not give the address where you are.
Women are at the highest level of risk for murder when they first leave their abusive spouses. Yes he is appologetic today, however, if you don't agree to meet his demands, the next emotion he has will be anger and rage.
BE CAREFUL.
Do not be afraid to reach out for help. You have done so well getting help so far, the next step is professional help.
The counselors are very nice and they know what you are going through, they will not judge you....(at the domestic violence shelters).
A good first step for you might be to call the domestic violence hotline. Then they can help you to determine the next steps. Just take it one step at a time.I've been there. I feel for you honey. My ex h used to leave very long rambling voice mails for me, when I heard his voice I touched DELETE. Listening just upset me further.
I wish you the best.
You know deep down in your heart that going home to him and having babies is not the right decision for you. Follow your gut instinct, it won't lie to you.
Please come back and keep us posted.
Alpha
so, his explanation was to blame you? you wanted it because if you didnt it wouldnt have hapened...that is not an explanation, it is an abusive response.
you need to stop taking his calls, flowers, letters anything...ignore them ALL
Sweetheart,
You will get closure when the time is right. You don't need closure now. What you need to get to closure is COUNSELING with a professional. Things will be in limbo for a long time. No quick decisions need to be made. Take your time to process everything with a counselor. You are in a safe place to be able to evaluate your marriage, your life and your future.
Your husband did something horrible to you. Just tell him that you are going to counseling and you are not coming home and he is not welcome to see you. If he shows up on your doorstep you will call the police.
You will let him know your decision as to what you will do with YOUR LIFE when you get some clarity on the whole situation, he'll just have to wait.
Please make that call to the domestic violence hotline tonight, that will start the process of moving you to closure about your marriage, your husband and your future.
His excuses are lame and you should not accept any of them, he is twisting it to make it seem like it's your fault, that is a CLASSIC ABUSER manipulation. DO NOT fall for it.
When I was in counseling they asked me if I was thinking of hurting him. I said I plotted his death in every imaginable way, every day, but I couldn't kill him, because that would leave my son without a father, and divorce is easier than plotting the perfect murder.
I've come a long way since then and I am now married to an amazing man.
Things do get better, what helped me was Professional Counseling, I started with the DV hotline. Please make the call.
Do you want your husband back, or the man you thought he was? What are you most afraid of, losing him or being alone?
I ask this as a person who was once married to a very mentally disturbed man. A perfected, pathological liar who knew just what to say to make me doubt myself. I too, struggled with the decision to leave. At the time it seemed impossible, but looking back now I wonder how I could have even considered it.
Get counseling. Stay away from him. Please, please don't even consider bringing a child into this mess. Stay strong.
Look, I get feeling bad for leaning on others. When I left my XH, I had to lean on my best friend for a place to live and emotional support, family for financial support, and coworkers for strength to finish out my first year of teaching while I was figuring out a game plan for getting away from XH permanently. I hated it. I felt terrible.I tell my best friend that I owe her my life in a lot of ways. I have no doubt I'd be dead had I gone back to XH.
Here's the thing...I guarantee you that these people you're leaning on do not mind. They would rather do anything necessary than see you go back to him. Why? One simple reason: They love you, and the last thing they want is to see you hurt, which you will be if you go back to him. You're doing something that's amazing and difficult as all hell, but you're doing it. No one expects you to do this alone, and you don't have to.
I'm not going to tell you you can do this, because you already are. Stay strong. You're incredible, you matter, and you are loved.
NOOOOOOOOOOOO. Please do not see him face to face. He's requesting this because he knows he can get to you/manipulate you easier if you give into meeting him. Do yourself a favor and listen to those who love you and CARE about you, like your sister and even the wisdom of those on this board. He's not a good man. You need to break free of him and keep that distance. Block his number...block his emails, anything and everything that is necessary to stay clear of him.
This is the way the cycle of abuse works. He's trying to woo you in the honeymoon phase. We've all been through it before. When XH was caught, red-handed communicating with online call girls he filled my office with flowers. Flowers don't make up for being the scum of the earth. Believe me, he'll do it again, although next time will be worse. He'll strengthen his hold on you because you've shown a shred of strength and gone away without contacting him. STAY away from him. Listen to your sister, please.
And get into counseling ASAP.
I bolded what stood out to me.
Ok, he wanted to let his friends know what they were missing...uh, not really, he wanted to pass his wife around like a blow-up doll.
He is making you feel like this is YOUR fault because it's a popular manipulation tactic. Here's an example from my own past life: XH had been sexxting another woman. I found his found, read the messages, and blew up at him. by the time he was done manipulating me, I was actually apologizing to HIM for not giving him enough attention, therefore "forcing" him to engage with another woman. I was eight months pregnant.
You WILL have mixed emotions. Just because leaving his disgusting asss isn't the easiest thing to do, doesn't mean it isn't the RIGHT thing to do. It is.
Finally, let people help you now. It is ok to lean on others when you're weak and need help. It's ok and I'm sure your sister wants nothing more than to help you.
Please read my blog, I pm'ed you the address. I went through some very similar things.
You've gotten great advice from everyone, so I don't have much to add. I really just wanted to add another voice to the chorus of women telling you to stay away from him and to get into therapy with someone who's worked with trauma and/or victims of relational/domestic violence.
The ambivalence you're feeling is normal. The best place to sort out all your thoughts and emotions is in therapy. A good therapist isn't intimidating or scary, though it can be scary at first to talk about your issues with a stranger. Look at how well you did talking about your issues here, with all of us whom you barely know. You can definitely talk with a therapist! If you're stuck on what to say, print out your posts and read them to the therapist. Know that if you don't like the first person you meet with, you don't have to tell them much and you can meet with someone else.
Also, please don't feel badly for leaning on your family now. They love you and will do what they can to support you. Right now your job is healing from these huge violations you've experienced (of trust, of your physical body, of your hopes/dreams/plans with the man you thought you'd married). You can get through this and gain closure and strength without letting him back into your life.
Please continue to keep us updated and to post here if you feel like you can't talk about it anywhere else.
I do not want to be an azz here but I think this must be said....
what would he DO to your daughter? What would he ALLOW to happen to your daughter??
(sorry if someone already said this)
I said this in my reply too. I know it sounds like a terrible thing to say, but he is obviously a terrible human being capable of doing terrible things. She NEEDS to realize that this is a possiblity.
I think you posted today looking for one person to tell you it's okay to see him, because you know it's not. Your family is telling you it's not. But it is hard to say no.
My experiences don't compare to yours but I was in an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship for years. And I knew, everytime he promised me the world to get me back, I knew that I shouldn't go back, but I did, quite a few times, and it only gave him more power over me.
You know you shouldn't see him. Otherwise, you wouldn't be looking for justification to do so. But every day you keep away from him, every day you remind yourself to be strong will be easier until your heart is no longer breaking at the thought of being away from him.
Stay strong and remember we are all rooting for you.
I did not know about this app and am glad you did. It sounds awesome. OP, if you have an android phone, download this!
You're doing great, hun. Keep looking towards your now very bright future. I'm not saying it will be easy. It won't be, but you will be such a better person on the other side of all this!
If you see him and tell him you're going to leave, statistically, there is a 75% chance that he will KILL YOU. Do NOT spend any time alone with this man ever again! This will never get better. There is no such thing as closure with these men!
I promise you it will be like a switch when you stop engaging him. He will go from begging to telling you that he can't live without you. He will make or threaten to make suicide attempts. He will call you to say goodbye during this time. Then he will get angry. He will try to find out, threaten you, and try to track you down. He will tell you that you're the scum of the earth and a host of other terrible things. He might go off the deep end with substance abuse at this time. Finally he will come around and apologize again. This is a terrible cycle and will not stop until you stop talking to him and leave him for good.
Here is an abuse wheel that will describe actions that he will take during each phase. Take a look, what has he already done? http://www.domesticviolence.org/violence-wheel/
Please call a domestic violence hotline: -1-800-799-7233
however much he loves and respects you will be the same for his child. Please pick someone else to be the father of your children