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SDs (13 and 14 yrs old) want to move in with Daddy
so, my boyfriend of 5 years has 4 total kids (3 w/ one woman and 1 w/ another). the oldest from the trio (i will refer to as AJ) and the only child (i will refer to as CJ) both want to move in with him. they are close in age, and both have issues with their mothers. AJ's bio mom recently had baby #4 and of course expects AJ and the other 2 kids to help take care of it. CJ's mom recently moved (temporarily as she claims) to a different city 3 hrs away (might i add... with a man and TWO young kids) and has left CJ with her grandmother.
all of this to say that i am expecting to be engaged and moving in with my bf by the end of the year, and i'm irritated that i could potentially be moving in with him to almost immediately bring two teen GIRLS into the first home i would be sharing with my bf.
i've always known that it was a very real possibility of having the girls want to move in with us... but i guess i was really expecting to be living with my bf at least a year or so before that would happen. and now it looks like it could be possible that it all happens at the same time.
i totally feel empathy for the girls. i want them to have me as a positive female role model and have the nurturing and love they deserve, but i just can't help but to feel annoyed by the idea.
am i being unreasonable, or is this a sign that we shouldn't forge forward to get a place together or to get married, even?
Re: SDs (13 and 14 yrs old) want to move in with Daddy
Listen if you don't want his children to live with you guys, then you need to break up with him. MAking him choose between them and you is incredibly selfish and unfair.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Wow you are involved with a man who has 2 baby mamas...and you aren't intelligent enough to figure that maybe he'd have to be responsible for them someday? What a great classy couple you 2 are.
If you dont want the responsibility of children then dont marry a man that has 4!
You are wrong in your assumption, although it is not surprising. When you have children THEY are ALWAYS the priority, but how would you know that, you are involved with a man who obviously hasn't taught you that.
I may have to call mud on this one...the stupidity is just too enormous.
So he has 3 kids w/ one woman. The oldest is AJ. The "only" child w/ the other woman is close in age to AJ.
Hmmmm.... in my head, that tells me he cheated on baby mama #1, had a child w/ baby mama #2, then went on to have two more kids w/ mama #1.
Yeah - good luck w/ that.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
you're so far in the wrong on this one.
when a couple marries AND there are no children involved, the spouse comes first. your statement would be true, if the problem was that your BF spends too much time taking advice from his mother. but when there are kids involved, the kids come first.
and yes, it's true that someday kids grow up and marry. but your BF's girls are JUST GIRLS. they are not grown ups living on their own, but girls who need their parents to put them first.
and just because it's never been solidly discussed before, doesn't mean you didn't know that the girls exist. if you don't want to deal with your boyfriend's daughters, then you shouldn't be dating someone with children.
and LOL that you assume the husband/wife bond is permanent, when you're now dating a guy who has four kids by two women.
if you really feel as you stated about spouses coming before kids, then you have no business dating someone with children, or having children of your own.
A spouse comes first in the sense that, yes, it's perfectly fine to take the kids to a sitter and have a date night. Or, that a married couple decides to go on vacation alone, and leave the kids with grandma. It does NOT mean that the father leaves his children in a bad living situation because his GIRLFRIEND wants him to. That's called sh!tty parenting, not being a good mate. Your desire for a "honeymoon" period does not supercede his children's need for a stable homelife.
Also- you've been dating him for 5 years, have the idea that you want to get engaged "by the end of the year"---which, it's January, that's an entire year from now- and you obviously don't give a sh!t about his children. Add to that, he has 4 children and it seems as though he never married either mother.
Good luck with that.
Nothing w/ you is permanent - until you run out and get PG by him.
As far as "who comes first"..... In your situation -where YOU are coming AFTER his kids - this really, really, REALLY doesn't apply. Those kids were first, they need to be first in his life. Period.
Past that, it's not a black and white thing, actually. In my marriage, where my marriage came before the kid - I'll throw you a little bone that yes- DH and I have to remember each other and our marriage. We can't live our lives ONLY for DS. We have to put energy and effort into our relationship. From that perspective, DS doesn't come first. But past that... pretty much everything else in our lives is about DS. His health and well-being is #1 to us, and structuring our lives so that he benefits the most is our priority.
If you really can't understand that his kids need to come first, then you REALLY shouldn't be dating a man who has kids. There is no way you can enter his life and just expect to be #1 across the board.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Why yes, I do predict there will be a baby mama #3 whose children will also be desperate to get away from her selfish ass once they're old enough to realize they have other options and aren't required to stay with her.
i wouldn't consider myself to be selfish for two reasons. #1 being that it has not been a discussion between the two of us. it has more or less been something he is just tossing around with no solid conclusion or organized gameplan.
He doesn't need your input regarding his children. Their welfare is really none of your business. He should be discussing it with their mothers.
#2 when a couple marries, spouse takes priority.
That's only true in a marriage where there are no pre-existing children.
the reason why so many marriages fail is b/c that is forgotten. when the kids leave the nest they dont know who their spouse is b/c they put tooooo much emphasis on the children.
This is where you're wrong. The root of this notion of a child-centric marriage being dysfunctional is where a mother and father put the children ahead of the childrens' other parent. That line of thinking only works within the construct of an intact family. The idea is that the best thing a parent can do for a child is to love that child's other parent doesn't apply when you have multiple litters and a petulant new girlfriend.
a man and wife take on permanent ties.
Like the ones he established with the mothers of his children? Good luck with that.
children grow up and find their own permanent tie. so i have to disagree with that statement about kids coming first. not to mention, i never said that i don't ever want them to live with us. i should clarify that i was asking is it unreasonable to ask for time to be newlyweds when that time comes.
Yes, it is unreasonable to pull the newlywed card. That ship has sailed for a man who has bred 4 times with two babymamas. If you want to play house by the traditional rules, find some one else to play with.
I'm really not understanding how you didn't think this could happen. If you don't want to start our your marriage living with stepchildren, then you shouldn't marry a man with children. It really sounds like these girls are having a hard time right now, and they need their dad. If anything, I think you should be happy that your bf is willing to step up and be a father to these girls.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
i totally feel empathy for the girls. i want them to have me as a positive female role model and have the nurturing and love they deserve, but i just can't help but to feel annoyed by the idea.
I am shaking my head at the notion that you want to be a positive role model and want these kids to have the nurturing and love they deserve, just not at your house with you and their father. Seems pretty clear your boyfriend has a habit of getting involved with uncaring, unnurturing, unloving women.
No, you should not move in with a man who has children, if you don't want to have children living inyour house.
Yes, you're being unreasonable. He was their father before he became your FI/DH. They should always come before you. Sorry.
Sounds like you're not cut out to be a stepmom. And that's fine. I have a suggestion for you: find a single guy who doesn't have children.
I don't think it's unreasonable to be a little sad that you might not get "newlywed" alone time. It's unreasonable to act on that feeling.
Children's needs HAVE to come first. They have no way of meeting certain needs on their own. Their parents, who created them, are responsible for taking care of them. That doesn't mean you ignore your spouse to tend to your child's every little whim, but... think of it this way. If my family were starving on a desert island and only had enough food for one person, my daughter would be getting that food. Not me. Not my husband. If only my husband were starving and my daughter just wanted the burger sitting in front of him, though, I'd be telling her to quit whining. Your boyfriend's daughters aren't whining. They could easily find themselves dealing with emotional starvation.
When I first typed that paragraph, I put an extra "s" in desert. Then I thought, why would we be starving on a dessert island? All the cake we can eat!
This is exactly why I raised DS before seriously dating anybody. My nightmare was to end up falling for someone with your point of view, so I just avoided it entirely. Children do not choose to come into this world, and they need parents who are committed to raising them. It's not fair to your kids to bring in a romantic partner who expects to come ahead of the children you chose to bring into the world and who were there first.
If you expect to come ahead of his children before they are safely launched into adulthood, you need to move on for everyone's sake including your own.
thank you. i think everyone is misreading my intent. i am disappointed that we won't be able to have the life we initially planned for, but hell, i am not some crazy, wicked future stepmom. i had already told my BF that the last time the kids visited that they need to get away from their moms. they are poisoning their minds.
i came to this board with the intent to vent and blow smoke about the situation but i have those kids' health and safety marked HIGH PRIORITY.
i don't want anyone to judge our situation, seeing as how this is the first post i've ever made.
i just want to have a discussion about the plan. i don't want to start a marriage feeling like my input doessnt matter.
actually we have never lived together.
Yes, you are selfish because:
1) He has no need to discuss the well being of his children with you. It is a non-negotiable. Children are unable to care for themselves, unlike you. YOU don't like it, YOU leave. You can choose your SO, they cannot choose their parents.
2) No the spouse does NOT come first because once again, you are capable of caring for yourself. What do you want him to say? "Sorry kids, I know your living situation sucks, but I'm not going to be a good dad and take care of you because my GF wants a honeymoon period." Is this a man you would want to marry? Someone who did not care if his children suffer? If his kids knew you felt this way about them, they probably would not be sad to see you go.
i already call them my stepkids because i am just as involved with them when they visit, as he is. i am the one who gives the child support reminders to him, i am the one who does the shopping for them, i keep them at my place when they are here if he is busy. so in a "mother-ly" sense, yes,i am.
Just not higher than your own wants?
And when it comes to HIS childrens' well-being, your opinion doesn't matter. Their safety comes first. Period. What you want doesn't factor in. You see needs>wants