Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
FOLLOW UP SDs (13 and 14 yrs old) want to move in with Daddy
based on all the replies to my original post i have been portrayed as some self centered, negligent woman, and i'm mildly offended by some of the remarks that were made...
i would like to say for the record that i am FULLY onboard with having my BFs kids move in with us. hell, i'd let all four move in if they wanted to. i was simply saying that i was disappointed about it happening at the same time we move in together. but i'd also never tell him or the kids that i do not want them to live with us. i agree with what everyone replied to the the original post, but i do want to say that i came to this site/board for insight and support, not to be torn down or insulted. i guess i'm a newbie and didn't realize that tact and grace were not involved in talking to other Nesties.
Re: FOLLOW UP SDs (13 and 14 yrs old) want to move in with Daddy
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think it's fine to be disappointed that things aren't working out as you envisioned.
But in this case I also think this is why I wouldn't want to date a man with kids, because I don't want to end up in this position. And if I were unable to hide the fact that I didn't want them to move in the kids are the ones that will suffer the most. I'm also not sure you CAN hide that feeling. At some point it's going to blow up, normal things will irritate you more and you'll end up resenting them.
You said you knew it was a possibility. However, I don't get the impression you actually believed it would happen. If it's not okay with you that's fine. However, everyone else was right when they said the only answer is you don't move in.
Edited to fix my horrendous spelling.
This. Your original post didn't irk me as much as your second post explaining why you are not selfish.
Not once did you say that you were fully onboard with the move. In fact you said you were annoyed and then followed-up with a list of reasons of why you were justified.
Perhaps if you were more balanced in your post in regard to the positive elements of full-time custody, beyond glorifying yourself as a role model, you would have gotten more balanced answers.
I didn't post (or read every reply), but it struck me as odd that people assumed you two would make a good home for the children. I'm not convinced that grandma doesn't make a better home for CJ (she could be wonderful) or AJ shouldn't help with the newborn (that's family life)- becuase you haven't given any reasons for it or a case that your home is ready to provide for the girls. None at all. Just a clear picture of a resentful girlfriend - by your own admission.
So, why in the world are you surprised at what you got by way of responses?
This post makes you look defensive. It does not make you look any better. I am refraining from writing the specifics. I will just say I agree with the others.
I don't think you're selfish, as much as I think that deep down, you want a man who doesn't come with all this baggage. And that's fine, and reasonable, and doesn't make you a bad person. It's okay not to date or marry men with kids, especially four of them with two different women. Hell, I wouldn't have even gone on a first date with him.
ed: Stargazertechie, what DH/FI? I thought you recently left an abusive relationship?
write a tactless and graceless post and follow ups and that's what you'll get in return.
i promise you if you had written something more along the lines of 'need advice for helping bf's daughters in a weird situation' rather than 'im annoyed it might not work out how i expected' you woud've gotten the types of responses you're looking for.
Ditto - what?
(AE here...you both know me)
She did leave the abuser. And then she ran away and married him at Disney World. She didn't elope because of the stress, she eloped because no one in her life supported her marrying someone who was (is) hitting her.
This is very true. It is perfectly fine not to want to be with a man who already has children. I myself don't know that I could be ok with it. But if that is the case, then maybe this guy isn't for you.
I wanted to ask the same question yesterday, but forgot. Stargazer, WTF?
Sketchy.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
uh oh
You flat out said that your relationship with this man is more important than his children. That's not a mindset that Nesties are going to support. But I guess that you know that now.
Those replies came from what YOU posted. You can not be surprised at how people portrayed you, since all the things listed below came from you!
1. i'm irritated that i could potentially be moving in with him to almost immediately bring two teen GIRLS into the first home i would be sharing with my bf.
2. guess i was really expecting to be living with my bf at least a year or so before that would happen
3.but i just can't help but to feel annoyed by the idea
4.when a couple marries, spouse takes priority.
5.so i have to disagree with that statement about kids coming first.
You cant go back now and try and act like you were misunderstood, we all understood you very clearly!
had already told my BF that the last time the kids visited that they need to get away from their moms. they are poisoning their minds
Yes, they need to get away from their moms as long as it doesnt happen on your time, or when it is an problem for you.
If this is true it breaks my heart.
Also, where are her dogs - please tell me she is protecting them from her H.
: (
Her and Jocelyn, BOTH, after all that big talk about how great and free and wonderful they felt after getting out of the abusive relationship. smh
i didn't answer questions about whose ages? i'm sorry... i have not been on TheNest ALL day, i don't keep up with this thing like breathing.
he did get 2 women pregnant in a small amount of time. which in short means that he cheated on bm#1 with bm#2. sketchy as it may be, it is his life and his mistakes that were before me but i have taken on as my own.. and we've taken care of our responsibilities as best we can when it concerns the kids. besides their own mothers, those kids know no women other than me and his ex long term girlfriend. even though the kids come from a sort of untraditional or almost wacky background, he has definitely protected them from other women he has dated before me.
Oh well, then he obviously has good judgment and is much less sketchy than I thought
i'm sorry that i worded it the way i did to warrant the replies that were left, because at this point, i will probably never post again.
Oh know I do not like this information at all. I didn't know this was the case with Joce?
Please reconsider this relationship. Not only does he have a history of cheating and bad choices (not using condoms just for starters) but you don't seem remotely ready for the responsibilities of raising children that aren't your own nor do you seem to want them.
I am sure my stepmother felt the same way you do. She resented having to share our dad with us during our teenage years and it was obvious to my sisters and me. She would make a big stink if we ever wanted to spend time with dad alone and so we never did. It has been almost 20 years since they married and she has loosened up a bit since the beginning but we never felt close to her just more like an inconvenience. Don't do that to these kids or to this dad that you seem to care about. You obviously wish they weren't there at all.
you had a different relationship with your SM than i have with my Bf's kids. i talk to the teen girls on a regular basis over the phone and love to be around them when they are here. when they visited for christmas, i made it my business to stay at their dad's house to help out and enjoy them, just like he did. living together will be an adjustment but i trust that we will make it work for the best, because i'd never "wish they weren't here at all" as you said. if i wanted a man with no kids, there are plenty of options out there i'm sure.
Ok, you are disappointed what you had in mind does not equal what will be. It blows my mind you are ignoring that there is an abused woman in this post.
I responded to your first post, but in case you don't go back to read...
You are such a mess of contradictions. In your OP, you stated:
So, you see your BF taking care of his girls as a real reason to NOT get married.
Yet, you then say:
You can't ask if you should marry him because his children might live with you and then turn around and say that you will welcome all the kids into your home.
You make no sense. Honestly, even you have to realize that.
My Valentine Bookends (2~13~13, 2~15~09)