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finally had a breakdown...vent
Those of you who are moms may relate to this but I finally cracked. Yesterday I was pretty emotional already. Since splitting with XH, I have lived at home with my mom and eventually she remarried, now my step dad lives with us. From day one my son and I have always shared a room. Our first house we lived in DS and I shared a room and in this new one we share a room but it's slightly bigger.
My step dad blew up at me a few weeks ago and then said he was sorry relating it to the stress he has been under. My 3 yr old is a walking tornado. He can trash just about any room and having ADHD doesn't help things matter because it's almost impossible to get him to clean up messes, especially large ones. Mine is always trashed because we are such in a confined area with too many things for our room. I already have 2 storage units, getting ready to be one because I cannot afford both when I'm getting ready to close on a house. Most of what is in my room is getting moved out this weekend because it's become too over whelming trying to clean. I feel like I clean almost every weekend without making a dent. Everytime I clean up the toys they are all pulled out within 20 mins of cleaning.
Last night my step dad blew up at me saying that I am ultimately responsible for my son. So after staying up the night before doing homework, getting up early working all day I'm suppose to go through 7 rooms to pick up after my son, then scrub our community bathroom and clean up after the messes left by other people who were caring for my child, i.e. my mom, sisters, etc. Then help clean up the kitchen and run the dishwasher. Then try to find time to fit in the homework since it can't all be done in one night. I'm exhausted thinking about this already. Especially since when I get home, I don't get to relax at all because since my mom started chemo I have to get hats, coats, bags put away, then wash/sanitize myself and son., Then get my son dinner since we get home after 6pm anyway, then baths, then now expected to start on list above.
I'm already sooo exhausted I can barely see straight, stressed over work, stressed over trying to get packed and moved, stressed over things going down with Z. To make matters worse my sister who lately has become better than us, proceeds to lecture me about how she doesn't feel sorry for me and that if I want people to pick up after my son while he is in their care then I need to tell them to and that he is ultimately my responsiblity. I'm soo sick of hearing this. I love my son to death but I feel like I have about 500 bricks on my shoulders at the moment mostly relating to his care.
I just spent the last 30 mins trying to get myself together after I bursted in to tears and couldn't stop. I need a very large drink now.
Re: finally had a breakdown...vent
Unfortunately no. Funds are very limited because of trying to keep my savings up in order to have a cushion after we move. I don't have any friends that could watch them because they've drifted away since they are still in single and in party mode.
I'm no child expert by any means, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but would it help to considerably downsize his toys so there are only a set amount that he can get out and play with at a time? That might help make the mess more minimal? Maybe keep some toys out of reach so you can rotate new ones in and out?
I can see why he's stressed and snappish. His wife has cancer, and not just her daughter but her rambunctious, destructive toddler is living with him. It has to be pretty hellish.
How long have you been living there? The way you say that she got married "eventually" makes me think that it has been quite a while.
I need to down size the toys, but finding the time to do it is hard, especially with out him seeing what I'm getting rid of or packing up. It doesn't help that THEY keep buying him more and we just had christmas.
Yes it has been some time, I've lived there for 3 years paying off debt and piling money in savings so I can buy instead of rent. The thought of having a 3 yr old in an apartment is not ideal after having my sister stay with me in my old apt and getting complained on because they could hear her walking across the floors.
My other frustration comes with that before I even get off work I get phone calls from him or texts saying "your mom is tired so keep him in check" or "Your mom is going to bed so I need your help with dinner" and this started way before the cancer came in to play. Id love to take a nap as soon as I got home from work but I can't. Her youngest is 10 and she has her husband to help take care of her or she gets left in my care.
Your mother has a ten year old? Exactly how old is everyone involved here?
I have to say, it probably wasn't the best decision for you to live there for three whole years instead of getting an apartment. Sure, you may not WANT to get an apartment, but the married couple there doesn't seem to want to live with a destructive toddler, and it's their house, you know? It just seems kind of selfish of you.
I'm so sorry! I can only imagine the stress you are feeling right now.
Have they given you any idea about how long until you will be able to close and move into the place? I can't believe you've been under contract since August and things are still up in the air. Hopefully it will be sooner rather than later because that's a really long time. Hang it there...
I'm sorry you are going through all this, but there are things you can do. I don't mean to sound snarky in any of this, so please know that.
1. Who diagnosed your ds with ADHD at such a young age? 3 is way too young for that kind of diagnosis. You may want to talk with a different doctor on that one. I worked with several kids (around 5-6 years old) who had the same diagnosis. Many days the parents would forget to give them the medicine and just tell me good luck. It took some trying, but I found ways with each of those kids to help them control their actions better. Even a child with ADHD can understand consequences. For the toys, get some crates (they are cheap at target). Designate one the "done with this toy" crate. Tell your ds that this particular crate is where toys have to go when he is finished with them. If it doesn't go in the crate, mommy gets to keep it and he can't play with it any more. Stick with it. The first time you take one of his toys and he can't play with it when he wants, he will get it. And if you have a place for the toys to be put when he is finished, you solve the "toys all over the place" issue. They may not be organized, but they won't be all over the house and your step dad can't complain about it.
2. Everyone would like to relax when they get home from a long day at work, but part of being a parent of a toddler means not getting to relax. That's not unique to you. I stressed about that for a long time, too. I work 40+ hours a week, I have a (now) 5 year old, I am taking classes for my MBA. I'm busy and tired, too. I get it. But you have to find a routine for yourself so you can stop that feeling of being overwhelmed. Find some good go-to frozen meals that you don't have to think about so you have some easy dinners. WHile those are in the oven do some of the cleaning. Then during bath time you can concentrate better on ds because you won't be worried about cleaning. Once you get him in bed, you can do school work or whatever else.
3. Try doing some school work on your lunch break. Yes, it's only an hour, but it's an hour that you don't have other things (i.e. step dad, your mom, your ds) to worry about.
4. If you are a student, can you take out a little more in student loans so you can hire someone to help you a bit with the cooking and cleaning in the evenings? I live in a HCOL area and my cleaning lady charges $80 a visit to clean my 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms. Even if you took out an extra $1000 per semester in loans, you could have some help a few times a month. Yes, in the long run you'd have to pay interest on that, but isn't your sanity and your ability to focus on your son and your school work worth that? Or find a high school student in the neighborhood that is possibly thinking they want to be a teacher one day and ask her to come over two nights a week to play with ds while you cook and clean. She gets to put on a college resume that she worked with a kid one-on-one, you pay her $8-$10 an hour, you get some time to know your ds is taken care of by someone with the energy to do so and time to cook and clean to keep your step dad off your back.
Just some thoughts ...
Breakdowns happen. Being a single parent is tough. Sometimes a breakdown will make you feel better. I'm guessing you're buying a short sale or a foreclosure and that's why it's taking so long. Banks are horrible with those and it makes no sense why they sit on them for so long.
Hang in there and keep telling yourself that the end is near. Take one day at a time. And enjoy the help while you have it...being on your own with your DS is going to be tough. But you will be able to ignore the mess his toys make if you choose to do so when you're on your own.
Okay I'm not trying to sound snarky, but I'm wondering if your attitude here is part of the problem, and I realize this is a vent. But you note frustration over your mom being "left in my care." Isn't you son in their care all day? I would also expect that when you get home you give them a break by helping with your mom.
Also your mom has cancer and you seem to only be complaining about how much it inconveniences you. I don't think it's unreasonable for them to ask that you keep your child on good behavior so she can get some rest.
Again it might just be coming across this way because you are frustrated, but it sounds a little entitled and I'm wondering if it isn't coming across that way to your family causing additional problems.
For the toys, get some crates (they are cheap at target). And if you have a place for the toys to be put when he is finished, you solve the "toys all over the place" issue. They may not be organized, but they won't be all over the house and your step dad can't complain about it.
ITA agree with the crate idea. I got some for DD's toys and it really speeds up picking up the toys. Put the toys in the crate, throw them on a shelf and be done with it. My DD is only 14 months old and she's already starting to help me pick up her toys and put them in the crates. Also, you can control the mess by only giving your DS one crate at a time.
Everyone would like to relax when they get home from a long day at work, but part of being a parent of a toddler means not getting to relax. That's not unique to you.
Again I totally agree. I don't get to relax when I get home. I get dinner ready, we eat, we play a little bit, DD gets her bath, she goes to bed, then I clean up the dishes and tidy up the house. THEN I relax...but more often than not I'm out cold because I'm tired.
Try doing some school work on your lunch break. Yes, it's only an hour, but it's an hour that you don't have other things (i.e. step dad, your mom, your ds) to worry about.
This exactly. I was in school and working full-time before I even had DD and I did my homework on my lunch breaks. One hour a day, five days a week adds up and you'll get a lot done.
Excellent suggestions FormerlyAK!
No he is in a facility all day that I pay $900 a month for. They offer to pick him up sometimes for me because I don't pick him up until almost 6 depending on traffic. I am frustrated but to add to this, my other sister who is 25 is also living at home but stays with her bf 9/10 of the time but comes home long enough to make a mess that I'm left to clean up.
It's only one more thing. You might need to make multiple trips to the car, but one hour is one hour. That's just me.
I agree ^
I don't post often and never on this board, however, I felt I needed to.
I was actually in a scarily similar situation...my XH told me he was deploying with the Navy and sent me 8hours back home to stay with my family while he was "gone". Come to find out he moved his mistress into my house as soon as I left...I probably wasn't over the state line yet. I also moved in with my mom and stepdad and sister. I was there for 2 years. Working full time, going to school full time and caring for my child. She is/was my responsibility. That isn't unreasonable for them to feel that way.
Also, wanting to come home and take a nap would be amazing for all of us. But, with a child that isn't really logical.
Being overwhlemed happens and is normal, but, you are able to decrease your stress level by making some changes on your own.
I'm not familiar with feeding therapy, but I have a friend who went through something that sounds like it might be similar with her now 7 year old who has aspergers. I know that until the thearpy started working, she had like 3 things she knew he'd eat and she'd have a weeks worth of that ready in the fridge. Each night, she's ask him which of his three things he wanted that night and microwave it. Then she'd cook something for the rest of the family. Could that work? If so, try a crock pot for the rest of the family. It takes 5 minutes to put a pork butt and a can of coke in the crock pot, but then when you get home, you drain the pork, add in some bbq sauce and put it on buns ... pulled pork sandwiches! Or chicken breasts and a can of salsa. Add some cheese and tortillas when you get home and you have chicken soft tacos.
I know packing the laptop is an extra thing to think about, but if it makes you be able to more effectively use your day time hours, who cares? I guarantee it will help you be less stressed at night, because you will get an hour more sleep because you won't be staying up that extra hour to do homework.
As for the student loans, I also only have federal loans, but they allow for living expenses. Are you that close to your debt to income ration for the house loan that $500-1000 would disqualify you? If so, honestly I'd consider backing out and renting, because what will you do if you lose your job or your ds costs go up and you are stuck with this mortgage that is at the top of your limit? That would be even more stressful. And just get a bottom floor apartment. Then you don't have to worry about people complaining about the noise you make as you walk.
I really think you just need to look at things a little differently ...
Uh yeah, I wouldn't think it'd be too hard to bring your laptop.
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
It sounds like maybe a house meeting is order. As ridiculous as that sounds, but I think it could help set expectations. Perhaps everyone is assigned chores. Some daily (i.e. pick up the living room, do dishes) others weekly (clean bathroom, clean out fridge). Then everyone could also have their night for dinner. Also maybe your mom's husband and you could have a standard schedule of a few nights a week when you'll help out with your mom.
At least this would help prevent the blame game a little bit and you would know what to expect each night and hopefully be able to plan your studying and stuff around that.
I know you're frustrated and overwhelmed right now but you need to figure out a way to change your attitude. People have made good suggestions about ways to clean up, entertain your son and how to multitask to get more done and your response to each one is "I can't...." You've reached your breaking point, so you have to find some way to make some changes that will help you feel less overwhelmed and more in control. If you already have tons to crates and barrels to keep toys in, is your son punished when he dumps them out and then won't clean them up? It sounds like he needs a different consequence for not following the rules or less toys to be able to dump out/play with, like a pp mentioned.
I can understand how difficult it is to live with your family in a small space, but remember they are giving up their space and resources too in order for you to keep a roof over your head and to be able to pay off debt/save money. I hope your house stuff gets worked out soon so you're able to move in and have your own space!
I'm sorry, you're annoyed because your step dad, who just looking after his sick wife, wants you to look after your son so your mom can rest? Your son is an active 3 year old BOY and you're believing it's simply ADHD just because one team of doctors diagnosed it? You automatically shut down someone's idea to do schoolwork over lunch because you'd have to carry a heavy laptop? You're annoyed because they want you to clean up after your son in their house?
I don't know.....I feel like you're just used to being the victim and all of this falls into that too. What can you do to help your situation all by yourself?
People have offered you practical, helpful, and long-winded solutions that could help your life go easier, you have an excuse why none of these solutions will ever ever work and you just want everyone to say "wow, poor you..." Excuse, excuse, excuse.......you had a bad day, but look at things objectively and make some concrete solutions to one or two of these problems.
Everyone has sh!t going on in their lives and while yes, you've been dealt a hard hand, so have other people....the first step is just ending the cycle of self pity, getting a grip, and coming up with some solutions.Yes I have been up until Oct to put it towards moving at their request. I've also given them numerous loans.
I'm working on getting some things moved out this weekend. I could bring my laptop but it's a pain because of all the other things going out the door with us. I also wouldn't have an hour because I only get 30 mins for lunch with no breaks in between. I also cover for another dept here and another facility which is why I only work on it at home. He does get punished for not listening but his though processes are all over which is why he has the messes to begin with. He switches gears ever 2 seconds. He is working with an individual counselor outside of feeding therapy to help with the adhd and to work on listening, cleaning and other skils he has a hard time grasping.
I have easy meals that invole just heating up for him or even just making a sandwich. This post was a way to vent that I'm tired of being the go to person because I'm there all the time. My step dad is disabled but can take care of himself so he needs to pick up the slack instead of throwing it all on me.
I wasn't posting as an attack. I don't have children, but I did live with family after my divorce and had some blow out fights because we all had different expectations. It is hard and I can't imagine doing it with a toddler. I just wanted to point out some things that stuck out from your posts. Also, I know when I get super stressed and overwhelmed- where I feel I am losing control- I start to lash out at other people and place blame on everyone else. Sometimes you need to take a step back, re-work some things and move forward. The suggestions people have made here don't have to be permanent or long term, but they are meant to help you get a grip until you can move or get extra help. Good luck!
I understand that this is a difficult situation for everyone. When I left XH I moved into my parents house with my 3 year old, my 22 year old sister and her 18 year old girlfriend and 3 labs! It got extremely tense at time and there were a few fights.
I have to say though, I DO NOT agree with some Ped diagnosing a 3 year old with ADHD, that is completely ridiculous sounding. So yea he makes a mess and runs around. He's 3 and has just gone through a traumatic experience (divorce) He is probably acting out because of the situation. And believe it or not kids are very receptive to stress and tension. I'm not sure your discipline methods but, it sounds like you are forgoing discipline because someone diagnosed him with ADHD.
There has been some good advice given and I hope things gets better.