Family Matters
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: SDs (13 and 14 yrs old) want to move in with Daddy
once again... i DO NOT WANT him to tell them no. i want them to live with us as much as they want to and he wants them to. i am just venting because it will be a huge adjustment to the plans we were already making. trust me, his kids would not want me to leave. they have it made when they are with me and their dad.
So your BF knocked up two women, who according to you, don't sound like the best women to have kids. And now he's dating you, who really doesn't want the kids around. Sounds like he can really pick them. I wish your BF kids much luck, because they're going to need it.
Really? That is why so many marriages fail?
Why are you dating a father of 4 if you don't want his children to live with you?
It's okay not to want to date a parent, but it's not okay to get involved with a parent and then expect that he will throw his children over for you.
You don't get a child-free honeymoon period when you date a parent. Not a good parent, anyway. You just don't. Their child(ren) was/were there first. You either work with the situation as it exists, or you don't go into it.
My boyfriend has a 3 year old son, and even in our situation, which is very easy - everyone gets along, 50/50 custody, the little dude and I are great buddies, etc. - it can be difficult sometimes. It's okay not to want to be part of that, as long as you're willing to be honest with yourself and your boyfriend about the fact that it's not for you and move on. It's not okay to be involved and try to pit him against his children or resent them for existing and for (GASP!!) wanting to live with their father.
This is ridiculous. He has young children-they will always take priority over you as they should. If you can't handle that you need to move on. You should be a positive influence on this and that would mean enthusiastically including his children into your life (as you're dating their father). You knew he had children when you first got involved with him.
I'm totally on board with you. How dare these heathens who are your boyfriends flesh and blood, expect to come in and live with their father, thus RUINING your first blissful year of marriage???? Don't they realize they need to just hang out while daddy and new wife enjoy life without them, pretending they aren't there??? Ugh, the NERVE.
seriously, you sound like a person who is not ready for any kind of blended family life. You should get out. 5 years ago. GTF over yourself. HIS kids come first, not your deluded idea of a 'blissful happy first year of being a newlywed'. Go get married to a man without children, because you will resent this guy if you stay with him. It's clear that that's already started.
MyFitnessPal - Free Calorie Counter
"Karma1969: If baking someone a birthday pie/cake is romantic, I must be a slut."
"but i guess i was really expecting to be living with my bf at least a year or so before that would happen. and now it looks like it could be possible that it all happens at the same time."
well-what you wre expecting and what reality is are 2 different things. if they hae to move in then you'll have to make up your mind what you want to do. seems kind of weird to me though-a guy with kids from multiple moms, apparently the mom's not such a good one. i dont know why you really 'expected' what you did. from now on i'd bet its safe to assume that they'll move in at any time and that you should be prepared for that-regardless of if it goes with your expectations or not.
if you dont want to put yourself and your expectations aside for your future dh's kids then i would seriously reconsider your relationship.
You're right... we're imagining things. I have no idea how we mis-read your OP it's obvious that you can't wait to have his daughters living with you.
Oh, wait, this probably has something to do with it...
And really, why is it relevant that they are teen GIRLS (using caps was a good indication that their gender was highly relevant)? Would it be easier for you if they were boys? Are you going to be that step-mom that's constantly competing for your H's attention and is always jealous of his daughters, merely because they're *gasp* girls?
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
I believe what I have read in the past, and what a lot of therapist say is that you need to make your marriage your #1 priority and your children your #1 responsibility and this is related to making a marriage work and avoiding divorce and being able to raise happy kids. There is a book called "To Raise Happy Kids, Put Your Marriage First". It actually makes a lot of sense. But it doesn't really apply to OP issues.
My ex married a woman who sounds an awful lot like you. Never had kids, doesn't want kids, but married a man with 3. He was dumb enough to go along with her plans excluding the kids from his life. A few examples:
It's now been nearly 3 years since they've been married, last summer my 11 year old starting cutting herself and other destructive behaviors because she wanted his attention so badly. It took that wake up call to get him to pull his head out of his @ss and put his girls first.
If you cannot let go of your fairytale version of newlywed life, get out now. It is not fair to your boyfriend OR his kids for you to think they are anything other than his #1 priority. Being in a blended family is all about flexibility and finding new ways to do things.
I am a SM as well as a BM. We both knew going in what we were getting into. The kids have come first in everything. No, it's not easy. If you want easy, date a guy with no kids, no attachments.
What kind of father lets his kid live with the biomom's mom? Why isn't the kid with him NOW?
In a traditional family situation, yes I agree to a certain extent but I was talking about the OP.
"A man and wife take on each other as permanent ties" but children are... temporary? Okay, you're officially fvvcked up. The details of how and in what ways you are fvvcked up aren't even important.
You are being very unreasonable and it's a clear sign that this man should NOT move in with you. He needs to seriously reconsider this relationship.
They are his kids. They are his responsibility. They were there first. You need to deal with that and get over it fast.
Had my fiance told me something like that I would have saved him the stress of teenagers and simply dumped him.
You are NOT their step-mother. It's insulting to good step-parents everywhere for you to refer to yourself as a step-mother when you are seriously not wanting these kids to even live with you.
IF he marries you then you will be, in name, a step-mother. Until then, you are the girlfriend of their father.
it just recently became the living arrangement because the biomom was living with her mom with the daughter. he sees her regularly but biomom won't give up her parental rights, because of c/s. unfortunately, it is a really complicated and difficult situation for all involved.
it just recently became the living arrangement because the biomom was living with her mom with the daughter. he sees her regularly but biomom won't give up her parental rights, because of c/s. unfortunately, it is a really complicated and difficult situation for all involved.
guess i better tell em that they can't call me "mama" anymore, huh? clearly noone knows every detail about what exactly the dynamic of my relationship is, and i really don't want to get into it. but with that said, i do feel confident that my relationship with my Bf will last, and i will welcome ALL the kids with open arms into my home, regardless of when it happens whether it is before or after we actually move in together.
EDIT
Of course we can't know what exactly the dynamic of your relationship is.
People responded to what you said. You didn't say you were only nervous or that you were only scared. You sounded resentful and angry. You are slowly changing the tone of what you say.
If these kids are so close to you that they call you "mama" and you love them like a mother, why would it occur to you that they wouldn't move in right away?? Why wouldn't you be excited at the thought of having them full time.
You are such a mess of contradictions. In your OP, you stated:
So, you see your BF taking care of his girls as a real reason to NOT get married.
Yet, you then say:
You can't ask if you should marry him because his children might live with you and then turn around and say that you will welcome all the kids into your home.
You make no sense. Honestly, even you have to realize that.
My Valentine Bookends (2~13~13, 2~15~09)
Well, with proof like this, who could possibly doubt you?
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
IF your later posts are more closely aligned with how you feel, then yes, I can understand your venting in the OP. You were planning a honeymoon period. But honestly, there seems to be a lot of negative in your earlier posts that don't lend to a "they call me mama" happily-ever-after.
IF you are truly just venting, then vent away. I understand that you had dreams of living happily-ever-after, seeing the girls the occasional weekend and it being just you and DH doing fun and exciting things together, or being bored together, alone. But that's not how the reality is turning out.
If that's not how it's turning out, then you need to mourn the loss of your ideal and decide if the new reality is something you can live with. Marriage does not come first when there are children involved, especially children from prior relationships that have had difficult, unstable childhoods and need the support of at least one loving parent they can trust to be there for them. MOMENTS in the marriage come first when there are children, particularly troubled children, involved. The girls are 13 and 14 years old.
I am a BM with four kids and a disabled vet for an ex-spouse who has a wife who hates the ground I slither on. When I moved across the country, I flew out to pick the kids up and take them to Cali. The two of them left four children alone in the house (ages 4-10) because she didn't want to see me. The first words I ever heard her say were "get that F***** B***** out of my house now!" It was the house that I pulled out of foreclosure when he "forgot" to pay the mortgage, my name was on the house and she'd been dating my ex for all of two weeks. That was the *high* point of our relationship. And I still have to deal with them, even with grown kids, because the kids have issues that occasionally need to be dealt with, and the kids have kids.
But NOW DH and I are able to have our alone-time. He's been waiting for 16 years for us to be able to have a honeymoon and have time alone. He knew that when he married me, he married my kids too. And he was okay with that. Shoot, he was a leader in that role.
Yes, kids grow up and leave. But if you do your job right, the kids don't grown away. They will have husbands, kids, holidays and birthdays, future events that your DH will want to be involved with. The rest of the time, after they grow up and away, is when you can take the time to breathe and enjoy each other and the peace and quiet. I can speak from experience. DH and I have finally reached that point, after almost two decades together.
My DH and I have been together 17+ years and he's helped me raise four kids and one grandchild that lived with us until two years ago. Just a few months ago, the girls were taken from their mother and placed with us; my DH was the first to say "they're coming here and we're doing what we need to do." He's said from day-one that the kids come first because they're kids and can't fend for themselves, it's our jobs to raise them to be loving, caring individuals and be strong role models for them since they didn't really have that from me and ex when they were little. That's YOUR job as your DH's wife. To be there for your DH when he needs to be there for the kids.
I think that you need to remember that you are dating (potentialy marrying) a package deal, not just a man. If this is a problem for you then you seriously need to question your relationship. Children come before a spouse, you are an adult and can take care of yourself, a childs needs are way more imoortant! And if you don't see that then maybe you shouldn't be put in a situation of that kind.
There is no way any of these cookie cutter wives/moms could ever understand. Blending families is HARD and you can put on whatever mask you want the world to see but truth be told every woman wants her man's attention.
I'm Misty and I really think we need to be friends, I don't know how to request you as a friend or anything, i just signed up today but I feel you. And I want to point out to all the woman who stomped on your cry for help that you NEVER said you didn't want the kids, just that you were having a hard time dealing with this.
I have been with a man for 2 years who has 5 kids with one woman and a 6th from a stripper that is the same age as his youngest we don't even know (I'm working on that. We get to meet him Spring Break for the first time!) and I have one child myself. Because of that one child I can understand where those women are coming from when they say their child comes first. It is very hard to even let him punish my son without wanting to protect him but I am learning. And advice helps SO DON"T JUDGE HER WOMEN...
... HELP HER!!!
I have been with all of his kids from day one so I haven't been through exactly what you are going through BUT we were just married the day after Christmas (he had a week off and a Christmas bonus so we eloped, a wedding was just one of the many things I have had to give up due to the cost of raising children but regardless of his past or his "package" he is a GOOD MAN and I have never felt this connection to anyone so there is no way I am letting him go just because it is going to be hard, like you said...we will be done raising kids one day and I will be so happy he is still mine and always will be)
Our honeymoon was a night in the chapel Inn and a week with no kids at home. It wasn't Figi but we got to run around naked with the fire going, he didnt have to work, we talked and laughed and slept and had a really good time...then the kids came home. I was happy to see them, I missed them, I have been with them every day for two years, I realy do love them BUT STILL, I was overwhelmed with emotions and spent the night in my room crying. I was jealous that they would now be taking his time from me and mine from him...that their needs would always come first and the responsibilities of those needs would weigh us down and converstaions would switch from dreams to realities. This is life. I have a good one compared to so many. He is a wonderful provider and protector and he loves me so much. There just isn't as much time for me as there was in the dating phase, or the honeymoon week or in your case life will take away from your newlywed bliss. That's a fact. Do you love him enough to hold on? (at least they are teens, you dont have many years left, I have 8 years to go and YES my tubes are tied!)
Hope this helps
Let me know if you want to know more about the hardships and rewards of step parenting. I am 32 and my kids are 16, 15, 12, 12, 9, 9 all boys excet the 15 year old (man two teenage girls, if you're going to do this, do it NOW before they are much older or it will be harder to bond) One 12 year old is mine one is his and one 9 year old is the one we haven't met but I still count him
I responded to the OP in defense but that is because I am opene minded and understanding and try to see everyones point of view and believe that not it is not our feelings that make us a good person or not, it's our response to the feelings, our actions and it seems her actions are in the kids' best interest her feeling were just a mess and she CAME FOR HELP to try and figure them out. SHe DIDN'T TELL HIM NO she was just processing. Something I believe very strongly in, that is why I signed up for this!
I just want to say that this woman kellbell1919 has a very good point, she may be pointing fingers and judging but within her harsh words is good advice....whenever you find yourself feeling that feeling of jealousy (it's ok to call it that, lots of men are jealous of baby getting mom's attention, everyone grows up and moves on) I know it would help to re-direct your thoughts to the childrens feelings. Man if I am feeling this I bet they are too. Try having date nights where he only takes one of you at a time. Equally.
pstake everything you are feeling and the stress that it causes you and multiply it by 10 at least to get what your future husband is going through. His past can not be forgotten, it has taken life form and requires him to give up his time, money and dreams. Now his future is being added to the load, YOU who will also require time, money and the compromising of dreams. You have your work cut out for you, marriage is WORK even without kids. I just stared reading a book called "the Marriage Benefit" by Mark O'Connell to keep reminding me WHY I am doing all of this. It's a good book. I'll try and quote things I lean on my blog