Trouble in Paradise
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Not sure what to do
My weight loss blog
Ditto this. I have 3 sisters and there is no amount of money I wouldn't spend to keep any of them safe. Let them help you, you need it right now.
Double ditto. If my sister ever came to me with this, I would spend every last dollar I had making sure he could never hurt her again.
I just wanted to say thank you for keeping us updated. I know it's not easy reading all these harsh words. When I was in an abusive relationship, I didn't want to hear it, because I knew my friends and family were right. And they didn't know the half of it. My ex repeatedly forced me to have sex with him.
Would you mind telling is where you are? Maybe one of us could take you out for coffee.
Ditto pp. I have to add, please get that new phone from your sister, and once you have it, DO NOT give it to ANYONE who might give the number to him.
Also, as others have said, you owe it to yourself to wait at least 3 months spent in counseling before you make any decisions about your marriage and future. This will give you perspective. Any man worth being married to will give you the space you need.
I don't normally post on this forum, but I had to add something here.
I've been where you are- not married, but in a majorly abusive relationship. There's a saying: "You won't be able to start a new chapter until you stop reading the last one." You will NOT get closure from that man. I know you miss him now, but trust me when I say that if you do go back to him or see him alone you will be back where you were in an instant. If he thinks he can get anything from you, you'll be back in his power.
PP have said this, but I'm echoing it. You're out. So, for the love of God, stay out. Don't even see him if you can avoid it. You're at a crucial point right now, and if you give in to him things will be so much worse. I don't care what he says or what he gives you. A man who could do this to you in the first place isn't going to change.
I've read your other posts and I know you want a baby. My questions for you are as follows: Would you be proud to have a son exactly like your husband? Do you honestly believe that a man who would allow his friend to RAPE you wouldn't do the same to his daughter?
You don't miss him. You miss the man you thought he was. It's okay to mourn that. It's okay to grieve over this. What you absolutely can't do is go back to him.
I don't even know you and I'm worried for your safety. I know counseling seems scary- I've been there. But counseling and dealing with issues head-on is a lot less scary than whatever could happen to you if you go back to that... I don't even have the words for what your husband is.
You deserve so much better than this. I know you might not believe that now, but you do. You are so incredibly brave for taking this first step- keep going, and know that we're all rooting for you.
I will say that I completely agree with what others have said to you, but I wanted to speak to what you said about closure. I haven't personally been in your situation, but a dear friend has. She one told me that you spend so much time looking for closure from that other person, for a reason why they did what they did, but you aren't ever going to find it from them. The only closure you will have is the closure that you make yourself. By moving on and becoming a stronger person from your experiences. I believe you can do that OP.
I hope so much that you have listened to the ladies here today and didn't go to see him. It will be another huge step in the right direction for a happy life for you. Ts and Ps for you.
Tritto. I would spend any amount of money and time to get my sister out of the situation you're describing.
And ditto to the location. Feel free to PM with your location, just page whoever you PM'ed (start a new thread with the person's name in the title) so they know to check their messages... the Nest doesn't have a way to alert people when they have a PM.
We're pretty damn supportive when something serious like this is going down. The least we can do is lend an ear over a cup of coffee.
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
And FYI, any therapist worth their salt WILL NOT do therapy where there is active abuse. This man is abusive and will use therapy (if you did ever go together) as a way to perfect his ability to manipulate and control you. Please don't ever do joint counseling with this man.
He is trying to pull you back in by making promises he knows you want to hear. Do not fall for it. Him and you alone in a hotel room reeks of a safety issue to me.
And by no means bring a child into this. He wants to TTC so he has a another tie to you.
You poor thing. You're feeling sad, and terrified and confused. You know what you want to do, you know what you should do, and you have a bunch of people weighing in on it too. I bet you feel like you're being pulled in a million different directions and it's overwhelming.
But, all the advice you've gotten here is good advice. Maybe just let go for a little while. Don't worry about making a final decision, don't worry about the future. Just keep breathing and trying to clear your head. During that time, you need to sever all contact with your husband. He's going to try to influence you (he already is pushing all your buttons). But think of this. Is he saying all of that because he really means it? Or is he saying it because he knows it's what you want to hear? You have many people (some who have been in your exact shoes) all telling you that he doesn't mean a word of what he's saying. He's only doing what he must to get you back. Don't let him confuse the issue. Take a step back and just take a chance to really do some thinking about what has happened to you. A counselor will be able to help you so much, and I'm sure your sister would be more than willing to go.
Hand your cell phone to your sister, and let her filter out all of his calls/messages/texts/insanity for you. Also, get a new phone ASAP.
As far as feeling bad about leaning on your family - THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE THERE FOR!!! I only have a brother, but I would buy him 6000 cell phones and go to a million counseling appointments with him if it meant helping him get himself out of a situation like yours. Your husband (as many have already said) is a classic abuser, and he will not change without serious, long-term professional intervention (and even then, change is statistically unlikely). Please, please protect yourself, and allow your family to protect you, and cut off contact with your husband.
OP, I've followed your story and it made me sick that you were treated in such a way. You have been given some really amazing advice and I'm elated to hear that you took the first step in leaving and that your sister is there to help you.
I know this is not easy for you. You think you still love and miss your husband. But you cannot possibly love or miss him now, you love the man you thought he was. The one he pretended to be before he unveiled himself as an abusive manipulator. It's important to distinguish between the two and think about that until it actually sticks.
Please do not go back to him. Try and get counseling and in a few months you will look back and realize that leaving is the best decision you could have ever made for yourself. Allow yourself to get support from your friends and family. They are the ones that truly love you, care for you and respect you. Your husband doesn't do any of those things, no matter how much he apologizes or tries to justify his behavior. And I hate to think of what he might try if you go back, knowing that you left and probably told people what happened.
Please take care of yourself.
I haven't gotten through reading all of the responses, so this point has probably been made already. However, just in case you need to hear it again:
He did not apologize. Instead, he blamed you for allowing the rape to happen. You should have known he was joking? Really? He threatened you with homelessness. I'm sure you know the difference between your husband being serious and joking. At the time, you didn't feel like he was joking, did you? He's trying to change the story so he doesn't look bad.
Then, he explained that he likes to watch, so he decided it would be cool if you had sex with someone else, because it turns him on. So it would appear that your husband - the man who should love and cherish you, putting your happiness above all others including his own - treated you like an object for his (and his friend's) enjoyment.
He's trying to confuse you, masking blame in an "apology" designed to get you back. If you go back, he will assume that you agree with his blaming you and use this as a reason to hurt you further. It's the classic "you make me so angry I have to hit you" excuse you get from men who beat their wives. But your husband did something much, much worse than hitting you.
If writing and talking about this gets you made, please keep writing and talking about it. You should be mad. Don't let him confuse you.
THIS and please seek therapy. This man is not normal and neither is the relationship.
You deserve better.
Everyone knew this would happen. He will beg, plead, cajole, promise, bully, threaten, and do everything in his power to get you back. You need to be fully prepared for this and be one step ahead. You need a plan for every possible/probable type of communication and encounter. You need to change your number, delete your old email account, remove yourself from every electronic means from which he can contact you.
You need to have a plan in case he shows up at your door. You need to keep doors locked, a phone handy, and an quick escape route.
Do not put yourself in any situation where you'll be isolated from your family. Don't get in the car with him, don't meet him for coffee, don't go for a walk with him.
Please, please, please, promise us you'll stay away from him. If not for yourself, do it for us.
My prayers are with you.
Hope everything is ok with you OP.
Do not go back. You've been so strong to leave. My parents when I was in a bad situation with my first bf told me they knew a girl. She was good friends with my parents her H was really abusive. She did leave him and then said I think I need to try again. He ended up killing her with a baseball bat that night. It kills my parents to think of her and how horrible it was for her. I'd never want to see anyone in that situation ever!!!!! Please take all the advice on here!!! You will not regret it.