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I think I want out...
I was debating on posting this, but maybe if I type it out I might get some answers.
I think I want a divorce. And it just tears me because even though he's sweet, he adores me and is an overall nice guy, I just don't love him like a wife should love her husband. It's more of a friendship feeling with him now.
It wasn't always like that. Lately, he's been doing a lot of things that made me question why I married him in the first place. The biggest issue right now is him going back on his word about us moving out of state. I told him before getting married that I wasn't going to stay in my hometown for the rest of my life and that I wanted to move out of the state. He had the same vision I did and was really excited about moving as well. Then, a few days ago, he said he wasn't interested anymore. That's going back on his word and I am soooo pissed because to me, it's like him changing his mind about not wanting kids. It's a dealbreaker for me. He is hampering my ability to get my foot in the door in regards to a career (there are no jobs where I'm at).
However, there will be numerous consequences to me should I choose to follow through on this. I have no means to be on my own, I refuse to move back to my parents house, I have a crappy job (while looking for a new one), our friends (and it's a giant group of friends) are going to want to take sides. I could lose a lot of good, good friends.
I've never been on my own. I've never had independence. At least with H, I have a lot of independence, but there's just more out there for me, I know it.
I just don't know what to do. I'm stressed by the guilt that I feel because he really doesn't deserve this but yet I'm clinging to him because I have no alternatives. I'm worried about the consequences to my actions and if it will be the biggest mistake of my life.
So call me selfish. Especially with my overusage of "me" and "I". I just need to get it out somewhere because I can't tell anyone IRL.
Re: I think I want out...
I had a friend that was in a really similar situation. She dated this man from her hometown all through high school and did the long distance thing during college. They graduated college and got married. They got an apartment together and she went to law school. Their plan had always been to live in their hometown while she finished law school and then they would move for her career. Meanwhile, he started his career in the hometown. He wanted to live near all of their friends and family and raise a family. She was unsure of what she wanted, but knew that she wanted to relocate and travel. She was really unhappy living in the hometown. He was unhappy because she was unhappy and miserable to be around.
The divorce was hard on both of them. They had been together for so much of their lives that they had mostly mutual friends. They are both much happier now. He's dating someone that wants the same things he does. She is having the independence that she has wanted all along.
Have you talked to your husband about how angry you are at the bait and switch? He may have no clue that you are contemplating leaving without him and that this is really ruining how you see him and your marriage. I do know that over time, you will have moments where you feel more like friends and that the passion wains and rises, but you do both have to be on the same page about things. If he is willing to change on this, do you still want a divorce, or is it more than just moving from your hometown?
I was in a similar relationship with a guy I was engaged to and realized before we got married that he was never, ever going to leave NJ. I just couldn't be with him (other issues as well, but that was the final straw) and broke off my engagement. It was scary as he was my college boyfriend, I was 25 and not sure what I wanted entirely...but I left, went back to school and am now eternally grateful that I did it. I am married to my best friend and living overseas in the best adventure ever.
So regardless of what you decide, don't let the fear take over. Positive risks are important to take in life...you can only grow if you take them.
It is absolutely not selfish, to get out of a marriage you're not happy in. It's especially not selfish if you're not happy, even though your husband treats you well. People fall in love and out of love all the time. It's a fact of life, and yes it's sad that you didn't realize this before you got married, but at least you're realizing it before you had kids.
As far as your friends go, unless one of you gets really ugly with the divorce, I don't think it's unreasonable, for you to still have all your mutual friends. You may lose some of the closeness with the ones that were more his friend than yours, but I think his friends would appreciate the fact, that you feel that he should have the life he wants.
You should have the life you want too.
First, you're not wrong at all. I want to put that out there.
But I also can't fault him entirely for "changing his mind". One thing I've learned in life- it's easy to talk about all the "what if's" in life, but reality is often a game changer. It's easy to talk about "Yeah - I'd love to move!!!", but when the reality of actually doing it comes - I can absolutely see why someone would change their mind. Change in general is very hard for many people to handle.
That being said, though, if it's a deal breaker for you, that's valid. 100% valid. And he needs to know this. You shouldn't squander what you want in life if you really know you'll end up resenting it, and probably him.
As far as your friends go... if they are really "good" friends, then they'll understand and they'll be there for you as best they can. Sure, there may be some division, but at the same time - if they really have to "pick sides", then it's either you or your DH putting them into that position, and it's also them not being strong enough to say "no" to the pressure of being put in that position.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It's not selfish of you to consider staying in your hometown a deal breaker. It's keeping you from persuing the career and life you want. Ultimately, you are going to resent him for that. That's not a healthy relationship for either of you to stay in and not a healthy environment to raise children in should they eventually be a part of your life.
My only question is, have you talked to him about exactly how much this matters to you? Does he know that not moving out is something that you consider worth ending the marriage over? If you have and he's still not budging then he's made his choice. I'm just worried that you're putting a happy face on while quietly seething about it all.
You're not selfish or wrong. If your marriage is keeping you from being happy, then it's not the marriage you should be in. Better you realize it now when you're young.
1. Have you sat him down and talked about his change of heart and the fact that it is a dealbreaker for you?
2. Have you attempted marital counseling? Personal counseling? Or have you emotionally checked out to the point that neither would matter?
I have the same questions. Also, if he doesn't want to move is that a dealbreaker? It wasn't clear if it was or if this was kind of the last straw.
1. The phrase "I don't love him like a wife should love her husband" gives me pause. There IS no right way or wrong way. Marriages ebb and flow. It is never sunshine and rainbows and butterflies 24/7. I get what you're saying, but this may be just a phase your relationship is going through, and I wouldn't put too much stock into it without giving it time. You're going through some stuff emotionally on your own right now, so don't despair.
2. Does he know this is a dealbreaker for you? Have you discussed this in depth and told him why you feel the way you do, and has he had the opportunity to explain how he's feeling?
To be perfectly honest, it sounds like your main problem is communication. You need to discuss it with him, rationally. Not the part about not feeling like you're in love with him -- just leave that out entirely. That feeling may be a side effect of the resentment you feel over your own situation (crappy job, wanting to move), and should be left out of the equation right now.
You need to talk about why you want to move and tell him just how important this is to you, and find out what his reasons are for wanting to stay.
ONLY THEN, after everything is out in the open and you see your way clear to some sort of compromise -- ONLY THEN step back and take a look at the relationship itself. Right now you can't see the forest for the trees, as it were.
Updated September 2012.
I think it's relevant to mention that one of the reasons he won't move is because of his prescription drug addiction, no?
Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!
OHHHHH is this the jackoff who is addicted to Xanax?
Updated September 2012.
Oh that guy. Good thing you remembered. This is a much bigger problem than "He doesn't want to change."
I am jealous of your memory. Or, I want to borrow the Binder of All Nest Things that you have. I can't keep anyone straight. EVER.
I agree. As much as it would suck, you could save up to relocate and get a small apartment while saving to pay off your debt and build your credit. It sounds like you are done from this post. With his drug addiction and refusal to help you with the medical thing, I can't think of a reason to stay. That is not independence to me. With the lack of job opportunities in your area, you are always going to be dependent on him and his drug addiction.
When he told me that he didn't want to move, it blindsided me. Especially after he hyped me up over how we had the means to actually make it happen. After giving me his reasons (business and xanax), I talked to him. I did tell him that I wasn't going to stay in my hometown forever and that I let him know this before we got married.
Apparently he thinks where we are is the "best upgrade" we could have. Granted it IS a big upgrade since we were both living with our parents, but he truly thinks that it can't get better than this.
And no, I will not be having kids with H. We agreed not to have any and it's a very good thing. I don't need 2 kids to take care of.
*As for the making out pressure. He hasn't done that in 8 (?) months. He has completely stopped pressuring me.
Sure, he's addicted to Xanax and perfectly happy with that, plus he's pressured you to make out with others, but how dare he not want to move cities.
You see how screwed up this line of thinking is, yes? You're not reacting to the big stuff at all and reacting strongly to the halfway-legit stuff. Are you in counseling?
I'm 26, H is 36. Yeah he's way too old to be acting like a frat boy and dependent on Xanax.
I do react to the big things, when they've happened. When I post on here, the situation is already passed.
It's just that this most recent thing is giving me the most headaches right now.
You may react to them, but you don't resolve them. So you keep adding more "big things" to the stack.
Because I'm so consumed by guilt, I don't have a plan, I don't even have the means to walk out. I'm frozen at the aspect of taking a risk that may or may not work out for me and I keep thinking that I would be making a big mistake.
Well that is a relief.
I agree with taking some small steps.
Start applying for jobs in the locations you'd like to move to. If you get a nibble, see if you can interview by phone or something. If you have something in place so that you'd land on your feet, taking the step of leaving him would be a lot less scary.
Nope, no dreaming Kuus.
http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/54256175.aspx?MsdVisit=1