Trouble in Paradise
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
DD
It makes the truth go away.
Re: DD
Husband wants a divorce... I do not... Help?
After several weeks spent apart, I decided that I wanted to be together again and living in our home. I sent my husband an email and told him how he felt. I apologized for texting the ex, and asked him for his forgiveness. I tried to tell him how much I missed him and that I had absolutely stopped talking to that ex. He told me that he still needed time t think about what he wanted to do. I allowed him the time. I left him alone.
I don't have a facebook page, and my husband does. I was looking at his profile through my brother's and my husband had removed that he was married, deleted all of the pictures of our wedding, everything about me and had recently become friends with 3 "new girls." I became very upset and texted my husband that I was done and would file the following week. He did not care at all and said that it was fine. I was devastated.
I went to our house early the next morning and found my husband in bed with another girl. Devastation all over again. After the girl left, my husband told me that "we were done" and he wanted a divorce. He told me that he would never be able to trust me again. At that time, I felt that this was best. However, I have had a change of heart since this discussion. Unfortunately, he has not. He has stated that he is completely certain that he wants the divorce. I have been going to counseling since early November, and have asked him to go with me several times, and he refuses.
I filed for divorce a week after finding him in bed with the girl. However, I do not want to get divorced. I miss my husband and want him back more than anything. Unfortunately, I feel like it is too late for us. I have already filed for divorce, he refuses to talk to me and I am living with my mom, all of my stuff is out of the home. He told me that he is no longer in love with me. I don't know what to do or if there is any hope for us. I don't want to continue to hold on to hope that he will change his mind if it is completely done. I would do anything to have my husband back. However, he has made it clear that he is not interested in reconciling. I have stopped talking to him. But this is very hard.
Do you believe there is any hope in repairing my marriage or that my husband will change his mind? Please give me some advice. I don't know what else to do and I am desperate.
And a related Arrested Development scene:
Tobias: You know, mother Lucille, there's a psychological concept known as denial that I believe you're evincing. It's when a thought is so hateful that the mind literally rejects it.Lucille: You are a worse psychiatrist than you are a son-in-law, and you will never get work as an actor because you have no talent.Tobias: Well, if she's not going to say anything, I certainly can't help her.Maybe this is just me but did anyone else think she was a bit stalkerish because she was not getting the hint that he didn't want her anymore. Besides taking out a restraining order, I really don't know what else the man could do to make it clear he was done.
She had my pity. I couldn't imagine chasing after someone who clearly wanted nothing to do with me.
Here are the responses I caught:
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There is no hope in repairing your marriage. It never really started.
My advice is to keep going to counseling.
This is my siggy.
You want to stay married to a man who threw you out of the house over a text message without further discussion and then jumped into bed with someone else as soon as you were gone?
Something seems real shady here and doesn't add up. What were you talking about with your ex? I get the feeling that text basically gave him excuse to do something that maybe he wanted to do already. His reaction to deleting all your wedding photos and marriage status and kicking you out of the house seems extreme if he only saw an innocent text message.
You can't stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't want a relationship with you.
Yeah, i am thinking either this text message WASN'T innocent, there is actually a lot more going on here than you are telling, or he was looking for an excuse to get out. It doesn't really matter because all of those scenarios mean your marriage is over. He wants out, you cannot change his mind. Keep going to therapy and move on.
Your marriage is over (if you ever even had one). Finish up with the divorce, keep going to counselling, and quit badgering this man to stay with you; he's done.
SO SINGS MY SOUL *WHAM!* MY SAVIOR GOD TO THEE *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!* HOW GREAT THOU ART *WHAM!*
To me, it doesn't sound like there is much here to save.
I'm curious what you and the ex were texting about. Just because nothing physical happened doesn't mean you didn't have an emotional affair or act inappropriately. If DH was sexting someone else or having an emotional affair via text message, we would have serious issues.
Second, you all have communication issues. Conversations such as whether or not you can work through your problems or should be divorced should not be happening over text message.
Lastly, from the entire chain of events you seem to have an issue with wanting what you can't have. You're communicating with the ex while you're married and now that you're separated you want the H back. Keep working on this in counseling.
ETA: You started having problems a month or two after you got married? What were those problems? I think there is a lot of info you're leaving out that is relevant.
Wow. Well thanks for the honest advice all....
Ummm the texting truly was innocent- he was an ex that I had dated for less than a month and we were really just friends. I did talk to him about the trouble in my marriage, but never strayed from my husband, because I was hopeful that we would work things out.
It frustrates me that my marriage isn't worth saving to my husband, and it certainly is to me. I do not feel that the issues are irreparable. I believe that I can forgive him for sleeping with someone as long as it was a one time thing and will never happen again (I've never had issues trusting my husband). I think a lot of our issues rooted from our incompatibilities and a lot of stressors from the beginning due to family issues (on both sides).
I guess I am just looking for support. I am confused. On the one hand I feel like he completely took this too far by sleeping with someone else after one text message (which by the way said "hey"). And I should just get over it. But on the other hand, I love my husband more than anything and don't want to lose him. Not without at least a fight.
To be honest, it doesn't seem like there's much to save here. You haven't been married long and are having huge problems already and most importantly - your husband doesn't want to work it out. You can't fix this on your own.
It sounds like there's a lot of information missing. What were the problems that started in the summer? What was in the text to your ex that made him want you to leave?
If the text were really completely innocent, I'd wonder if he was already cheating (or planning to cheat) when it happened and this was just his excuse to end things without being the bad guy.
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
"Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Do you really want to stay in a marriage where your husband jumps into bed with someone else and throws you out of the house over something as small as "hey?"
Keep going to counseling. Hopefully it'll help you find some clarity about this relationship because it doesn't seem particularly good or healthy.
OP- It's over. You need to get that through your head. It's done. Why on earth would you want to spend your life with someone who doesn't want you and took the first opportunity to hop in bed with someone else (in your bed, no less).
Sorry, but as was stated in your now-deleted post many times, you can't force a relationship with someone who doesn't want one with you. Whether he already was getting some side action and used the text he found (which was inappropriate, BTW - not the "hey" per se, but the fact that you were texting him about your marriage problems) to end it, or if he was truly that upset that you were contacting an ex, he's done. He hopped into bed with someone else, and you had a laundry list of prior issues. You aren't compatible, and the marriage is over. The faster you accept it, the easier it'll be.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
The Nest Triangle.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It probably happens if you click reply to their answer and not to the OP of the thread or if you click on the Quote button. Because at that point your post would be the "grandchild" of the OP.