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My SD and not wanting to go to school
I am looking to get some advice and different opinons on what you would do in this situation.
My stepdaughter is 5, turning 6 in March. She lives with her bio Mom 90% of the time, so my Husband and I don't spend a lot of time with her, but her Mom did ask us for help on what should be done with this problem.
SD has never had to go to school or any sort of school setting prior to starting Kindergarten in the fall. So starting school was a HUGE adjustment for her and she is still not adjusting. She cries at school, she won't sit on the carpet with the other kids, she won't play at recess, and she says she is sick all the time to try to get to go home. Yesterday she got sent to the office for crying and ended up throwing up from being so upset. Her teacher says that she will have anxiety and shake during class as well (SD;s Mom forwarded me some emails from the teacher on this).
From what SD;s Mom told me, all of this recently got worse a couple of months ago after a classmate threw up next to my SD. Since coming back from winter break, it's gone downhill even more. My SD won't touch anything that doesn't belong to her (her Mom told me that she is a germaphobe, so this may stem from Mom). SD did get sick around the time of going back to school and it is very possible that her Mom told her not to touch things, and to not play on the swingset at school in fear of getting sick again, but I am totally taking a guess at that.
My husband has no idea on what to do, him and bio mom think switching schools is a possible solution. I personally think that may cause more issues, just due to not really addressing the real problem and then adding the stress of going to a new school. Bio Mom did take her to talk to a therapist once, but she seemed irritated becasue in that one visit they didn't give her any solutions and I think she wanted a quick fix. The terapist wanted her to come once a week, but Bio Mom doesn't think it will help.
I told my husband last night that I thought maybe they need to pull her out of school and wait until the fall and have her start 1st grade. She is really smart, and excels in reading, writing and math, it is just the social part that she is having trouble with, which is why I think switching schools won't solve the problem. From what I have read Kindergarten is not mandatory in California, and if she continues to work on her reading, writing and math then she would be able to start 1st grade, or even is she needs to repeat kindergarten. Maybe I am way off base, which is why I wanted to get some other opinions.
Re: My SD and not wanting to go to school
She needs a lot of therapy...they need to find out what the issue is, Why wouldnt the mother think it would help? that maes no sense. the therapist can find out where the anxiety is coming from and THEN wor to fix it...
I do not think pulling her out of school is going to help at all, i thin it will make it a lot worse.
maybe they can come up with a plan to get her gradually get a full week in...start slowly...give rewards and get her up to a full day,,,
none of this is going to get better, go away, or stop unless she gets intense help!!
The only reason I can think of why her Mom doesn't think therapy will help, is because a lot of the issues are because of her and maybe she doesn't want to hear it? I did remind her husband of a therapist that specializes in kids, and she is on our insurance plan. I agree that theraphy definetly needs to become a priority.
That does seem like an extreme reaction to going to kindergarten; some kind of therapy would probably be helpful or maybe a counselor that works at the school she attends.
Are there any half day kindergartens in your area? That might help ease some anxiety if she knew she would only be gone 3-4 hours.
IMHO, it sounds like she just may not be ready for school yet and that another year in kindergarten might be good for her despite how smart she is. A therapist or a counselor would have much more insight into this, obviously.
As a former teacher, I'd say this is exactly why she should STAY in school. The social part/getting over the anxiety of going to school is often more important for success in the early grades than academic ability.
Has Bio Mom spoken to the school psychologist? A school psychologist might provide more of the "quick fix" ideas than a private therapist. And honestly, it might be enough at this young age. I'm not sure how severe her behavior is, but there are some plans that the school can put in place to support your SD. If the issue is germaphobia, it could be as simple as reading books about staying healthy and modeling reasonable hygiene behavior, rewarding SD for participating in activities she might find difficult, and watching your language around her so as not to inadvertently support her fears. The teacher could do a hygiene-themed week, and so forth.
As far as I know her Mom has not spoken with the school psychologist, but I do know from reading the emails that were forwarded to me, when the teacher sent her up to the office the psychologist did try to teach my SD some breathing techniques to work through the anxiety.
My husband (and his family) have told me that when he was still with SD's Mom. that Mom had social anxiety issues and suffered from some depression issues, as does SD's grandma who takes care of her during the day. In my position, I can't do anything, but I will continue to push the idea of trying theraphy to help her. Thank you!
This doesn't sound like an adjustment problem.
I am wondering if she is too "young" or immature to start kindergarten. SOmetimes a parent will voluntarily hold a child back for a year and wait a year until he or she starts kindergarten.
How are her social skills, learning, etc -- you say they're on track for her age?
Speaking to the child study team might also help.
I don't think having her skip school and then go straight to first grade is the answer. (I am also guessing she needs more socialization -- what about play groups and Daisy Scouts and after school programs where she'd be with a group of kids her own age?)
She seems very bright and her teacher said she is doing above average on her school work.
I think the socialization is pretty minimal. When she comes to our house she plays very well with my daugther (she is 10 though), and she plays well with her other cousins that are all around her age. My H and I have never seen her act oddly when it comes to germs or anxiety. Other than she refuses to stay the night at our house, and she always says that she will miss her Mom.
Thank you! I figured other people with more experience would know better than me. This makes sense to not pull her out of school. Now her school is an all day kindergarten, do you think switching her to a school that has half day kinder is a bad idea as well, or do you think they should talk to the school about maybe seeing if she can modify the number of hours she goes to school, if it is even an option.
so, you have allowed her NOT to spend the night at her fathers house because she will miss her mom?
You might want to post on the special needs board on thebump - they have children with a diverse range of medical/social issues.
How old is SD? Is she young for her grade? Holding her back might be an option if she is not comfortable with school. How did she manage to not even attend pre-K? I'm wondering if she is picking up on a lot of her mom's behaviors / anxieties.
Personally, I would start having her overnights at your house. She needs to learn that she will be ok at her dad's house, and that it is ok to miss her mom, but she can have "dad time" too because her dad misses her. It might be hard at first, but "daddys house" is not a sleepover with strange adults!
While your sd's behavior is extreme, I will say that dd went to school with kids who cried, had multiple "sick days," and had a huge issue leaving their moms (in first grade!). Is the Kindergarten teacher strict or otherwise not that good? A different teacher (next year) might make a difference. Even if other parents have a high opinion about the teacher, sometimes kids just don't connect with certain people.
I agree that therapy would be helpful - - there sometimes resources for children with social / anxiety issues through school. In our district (and our old one as well) there were groups for kids who had loss in their lives, including death and divorce.
I don't have any children but when I was really little I was extremely shy. So much so I wouldn't talk to anyone but my immediate family (relates to your SD's social anxiety). By the time I was in kindergarten I was the same around adults as always however very open with kids my age and had a lot of friends because I was gradually introduced to school/being away from people I knew well by doing "2 day 2's", "3 day 3's" "4 day 4's" (all 3-5 hours a day) until kindergarten which was a half day and finally pre-first which was 7 hours, 5 days a week. My parents also arranged tons of play dates throughout those years having friends over/going to their houses.
My whole point in sharing that is, I think the worst thing you can do is to take your SD out of school until 1st grade. If anything I would think she'd benefit from repeating kindergarten (or do pre-first if you can do so) for the social interaction so that by 1st grade (when kids, especially girls generally have their social skills and often create cliques and can be mean) she can manage without seriously hurting her still-developing self esteem.
This is not the bahavior of a typcially developing child, with or without a preschool experience.
You need follow through on the therapy, at least weekly. And you need to contact the school psychologist about a multifactored evaluation of all areas of suspected disability based on her school avoidance. Given your description you could be looking at OCD, GAD, and ASD. If she changes schools, she'll bring her own brand of dysfunction with her. Dropping out, will further cement the idea that she's not capable of coping and that fussing about it is a way to have her way.
Some body needs to be the authoritive adult and get her help while holding her accountable.
This is a whole other issue that requires a new thread. But If it were up to me, she would be staying the night, trust me.
Just add... her Mom has not allowed her to stay the night, and my Husband doesn't fight her on it.
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
OP - she sounds a lot like myself as a child. My problems started at 9.
I suffered from a severe anxiety disorder (phobia + agoraphobia) and I displayed a lot of the same symptoms (crying at school/friends houses/away from home, trying to get out of it, avoiding spending nights away from my mom, etc.. I also had a huge avoidance of all things vomit-related, but I think this is just coincidental with your step daughter.)
I'm not saying I know what is going on with her, but I am saying that she needs to see someone. I hated every second if it and would have sworn up and down that it didn't help me. My mother, however, was my biggest champion and ensured that I received everything I needed to overcome the issues. It took time. There is no quick fix.
EDIT: as much as I disliked the therapy, I'm quite healthy now. The last time I had issues was 16. The skills I learned to overcome anxiety have helped me every single day since. The time I spent in therapy was not wasted - it was invaluable to my recovery and my becoming who I am today.
If you want to ask me any questions, feel free. I openly talk about it.
Definately therapy in conjunction with working with her teacher.
I think that this is a child who should have been in preschool or pre-k because it is all about the social/emotional development and it seems that although she is bright, she may be very inexperienced and hence overwhelmed at what is expected of her. I mean not being in a classroom before filled with other kids her age is hard if you haven't gotten used to it. So, listening to a teacher and having structure and being around other kids are all new... there is so much for her to learn that she is overwhelmed and breaking down. I feel bad for her.
Really... I'd ask the therapist what they think as far as a recommendation about school for the rest of this year, but I'd also look into seeing if the school itself has a school social worker or school psychologist (My SIL is one)
We have a child like this at our school except her social issues stem from fears of a food allergy (she thinks she is going to be exposed to the allergen everywhere at school). She is in therapy.
In addition to this, the school guidance counselor is her "safe person" at school. Whenever she is upset or afraid she can automatically go see the counselor until she feels better and can go back to class, no questions asked. Last year she routinely missed school or left halfway through the day and ever since this has been put in place, she has not left at all. The whole safe person plan was developed by the guidance counselor so many if would help if you talked to the school's counselor.
Oh...and also sounds like this kids mom needs therapy too...she seems to be passing on some of her issues even if this poor girl didn't have them to start with!
My IL's told my DH as a kid that if you walk into a room full of people, everyone is staring at you and bad mouthing you. So... this added to my DH's shyness and made him have a bad time with social anxiety disorder. It took him til adulthood to work through this. Parents can have a HUGE affect on those messages you replay for yourself in your head and it sounds like she needs the influence of others than just her bio mom.
This is brilliant. My safe person was always my mom, but I was allowed to call her whenever I was upset, nervous, scared, panicking, etc. Learning to overcome the anxiety is incredibly difficult, especially for a young child, so having this in place to help calm her in school is awesome.
I think your husband needs to talk to his lawyer, or someone else (the family doctor or a school counselor? Or maybe someone here has a better suggestion?), about getting some more control over his daughter's life. It seems like her mother has almost complete control over her and is getting the daughter started on some very bad habits and traits.
I get that your H probably doesn't want to rock the boat with his ex, but the ex's paranoia/OCD/anxiety/whatever is clearly starting to rub off on their daughter. This poor little girl is going to have a VERY tough time of it if you and your H don't step in and do something to help her, because clearly nothing that Bio Mom is doing is helping her. It might be a pain in the _ass to deal with Bio Mom, but you guys are going to have to suck it up in order to give the daughter the help she very clearly needs.
And it's absolutely insane that your H's own child is not allowed to spend the night at his house. It sounds like Bio Mom has been, intentionally or not, feeding the daughter the idea that the only person she can trust is her mother. That's not going to be good for her social life, her education, or for her relationship with you and your H. Maybe a sit-down conference with you and your H, Bio Mom, and the school counselor is in order. Hopefully Bio Mom can pull her head out of her _ass enough to see that her daughter really needs help.
Or it could be whatever is up with this child is heritable and that's why both she and her mother are like they are. I know a number of parent child duos where kiddo got a behavioral health dx which, in turn, was the first time mom or dad was identified.
Everyone has given some great advice and I did talk to my husband more last night about putting his foot down and taking on a more proactive role with his daughter.
For the above post, I found out last night that bio mom acted the same way when she was in kindergarten and 1st grade, so you may be right. Also, I guess Grandma goes to school at lunch time and has lunch with SD, I would guess that is doing more harm than good given the situation and lack of socialization at school.
I also looked up school refusal and sent the link to my husband and expressed that theraphy is a must!
I get bits and piece of what is going on and being the stepmom there is only so much I can do on my end, but I plan to keep pushing forward to make sure that my Husband does everythign we can for her.
I agree with PP that therapy is the best route to go. Repeating K might be a good idea as well. My sister is BRILLIANT and always has been advanced academically for her age, but she was kept back in Kinder for social issues. She didn't suffer any permanent damage.
And your DH needs a junk punch for not pushing for overnights. It's not going to get any easier if he waits longer.
I'm on the therapy bandwagon. My DD starts play therapy tomorrow, and while we would all like a quick fix to our kids' issues, there isnt one. It takes time and patience.
K is extremely important, as SD will learn so many social skills this year. I've had several students who are book smart, but lack the skills to get through the day socially. Pulling her out and assuming that she will be ready for 1st grade is not something I would recommend. I agree that the gift of another year in kindergarten could be a wonderous thing.
Has SD been brought up for the SST (student success/study team) group at school? Usually a counselor or psychologist sits on this team. Have they made any suggestions?
I teach in California as well, and know that most schools around here are going to full day kindergarten, and don't think I would worry about checking out new schools.
I am not sure about the SST, I haven't heard my Husband mention it, so I doubt it. I got an email over the weekend from BM and she seems to think changing schools is going to wipe the slate clean, for a fresh start. I doubt that will happen, which is too bad. She said that she was going to call the therapist to set up an appointment, but she has had the ladys info for over a week, and obviously hasn't done it yet. It's sad and I really wish there was more I could do.