Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Travel issues w/Brother & SIL
Thank you for your perspective, Huber. This is what I'm afraid of doing. I don't want to be a naggy sister or worse, perceived as one of *those* IL's to my SIL!
This is something that I will most definitely tread softly & carefully with if & when my brother & I discuss things.
I do love this idea & I don't think it could hurt to suggest it. I don't think my brother & SIL will go for it though - not trying to shoot down any ideas.
My SIL will make it a point to not travel to places anymore than 15 min from their home because she says that neice doesn't nap anywhere but her crib. I have witnessed her falling asleep in people's arms, in the car and at restaurants, but SIL "claims" this isn't the case & she has trouble sleeping in the car. Therefore, the halfway visit would have to be planned around neice's naptime, making it challenging. A mother knows best & I'm not questioning neice's nap habits, just giving more detail that could interfere with that plan.
But, ultimately, I think it is worth a shot in bringing it up!
Dh and I moved away from home a few years ago for jobs/school. You sound exactly like my Dh's family. How we don't visit enough, that they miss him soooooo much, he has to make more of an effort for events like Christmas, I am the evil wife that is keeping him from his family and forcing him to see mine.
In reality, Dh does not feel the same way about his family that they do about him. He loves them and loves spending time with them, but one thing that moving has taught him is that he doesn't have a close relationship with his siblings and parents.
When we moved, I had no problem keeping in touch with family. We talk, facebook, skype, etc. all the time and have a great relationship. Dh realized that the reason his family wants to see him in person is because that it is the only way they can pretend they have a super close relationship. When on the phone or skyping, he runs out of things to talk about with his family very fast because their relationship was never that deep and they just don't have that much in common.
You talk about your SIL making excuses, but saying that e-mail and phone calls aren't good enough for a relationship is you making excuses. If you had a great and close relationship, the mode of communication doesn't matter. Sure it is extra fun when you are actually together, but the communication is what makes the relationship.
As for SIL making her family a priority, it is very possible that she and your brother have a better relationship with them and enjoy spending time with them more than with you. It's not that you did anything wrong or that he is a bad brother, but some people click better than others.
I would suggest trying to accept and enjoy the relationship that you currently have with your brother rather than trying to force something different. If you don't want to travel all the time, then stop. I know you want to see him, but you may start to resent him and that will destroy the relationship that you have.
I'm basically in a similar situation, except I'm the SIL. I'm sure my husband's sister blames me too for the fact that they fly home from another country at least once a year, and we've flown to them once.
our/My perspective is this:
- we simply do not have the finances to travel internationally often.
- My DH really doesn't like his sister. He is friendly with her, and maintains a relationship with her but thinks she's BSC and isn't interested in spending holiday time and money to visit her. He's barely interested in seeing her when she's in our country. I'm not saying your brother doesn't like you, simply that maybe you're more into the relationship than your brother is, like pp suggested.
- I have 3 siblings who live in the same country as SIL, but in different cities, so even if we were to travel internationally, we'd still want to split that time between all four families. It was actually my husband who said, "Sister is one of four siblings now, she's gonna have to get in line."
- I absolutely think it's natural to care more for your own blood family than your in-laws, so even if your SIL is willing to make more effort for her family than for yours, that's up to her.
- Whatever agreement your brother and his wife have come to about travel plans is between them. Even if your brother is desperate to see you guys, but his wife is a shrew who won't let him visit you, and he accepts that, then that's on him, and between them as husband and wife.