I laid it out on the table last night

LadyMadrid08 · January 2012

I thought you gave him a deadline of one month a loooooong time ago. Obviously things are not better. It's time to file imo.

northhillsbride · January 2012

SueBear:

I understand what you mean, but what do you expect when you tell someone "we are on the road for divorce?" If that's not what your H wants, then he's going to try to make an effort - which is why you got your date night.

If you want a divorce, then I would just file and tell him that's what you want. If you want counseling / anger management for him, etc.....then you should have told him that at the time.

This!

judahsmommy1 · January 2012

I have never posted on the board before but I wanted to say that if you're still struggling to find the courage to leave, please seek counseling for yourself. I know it's terrifying to consider life on your own, but your life isn't going to change until you change it. Talking to him will not work. Action is the only thing he will ever understand. If you can do it yourself, get real life (not on-line) help. If you need help finding those resources 1-800-799-SAFE(7233) is the nation domestic violence hot line. (sorry can't figure out how to change the font back). They will help you find local resources. Good luck and please get yourself and your child to a safe place!

wrysmyguy · January 2012

FMIL&MOB:
Wahoo:
MUD
You might be on to something, since it is the same song and dance with her and either she is amused by the attention or looking for reasons to stay. Before all the truly abused women say it isn't that easy, yes I know this, but she has had over a year to plan and escape.

I called mud on this over a year ago

kelnyc · January 2012

I'm suddenly having the WORST case of deja vu! I know this is your life and it's tough to end things, but the fact that we are having the EXACT SAME CONVERSATION after all this time and all your big talk and his empty promises... it angers me. It doesn't even anger me for you any more, because clearly, you refuse to take care of yourself in the one way you know you need to (you were already saving and had a lawyer, so what happened?). Now I am only angry for your son. He has no say in this and has to deal with your wishy-washy-ness (which will teach him to bully and mistreat other women in the future, BTW) and your husband's pathetic mind games. I weep for him because his parents are fools.

I gave you an olive branch and lots of support many moons ago, but unlike you, I know when enough is enough.

FutureMrsDewes · February 2012

I don't mind listening and helping someone but when its been a vicious cycle this long and nothing has changed its hard to give people sympathy and want to reach out.

If you don't love yourself enough to get out, then do it for your Son! I don't understand and will never understand why people choose to stay in an unfulfilled relationship because they are too scared to be alone. You're playing with fire especially when you have a child involved. I wish you the best and you've seen to be blogging on here quite a bit but maybe its time to get off the computer and talk to some professionals and file for divorce.

I've been in manipulating relationships before and I got the hell out of dodge quickly..fearing crying and blogging to people about personal issues all the time is not a healthy way to live. It may suck in the short-term but it'll be better in the long run. Remember its not just about you but your child now.

MPowers18 · February 2012

Sorry to say this sweetie but at this point he is not the one abusing you, you are. You are abusing yourself by staying in this relationship knowing the toal it is taking on your mental well being.

Do you read Dear Abby? She gives the same advice to these types of problems everytime. Get counseling. If you husband won't go then go yourself. You need some real counseling, not internet message board counseling.

Good luck and hope you can find some peace.

melissahearts · February 2012

If it's not working out for you, and you don't feel it anymore. . . there is no reason not to let it go. It's over and the fire is not there anymore. Sometimes, once you get to know someone really well, you get tired of the same thing. Imagine all the possibilities that await both of you if you restructure yourselves and look forward to new changes, new life ahead. . . People don't have to be in fear of discussing these things with each other because otherwise you are avoiding responsibility for making a great future for both of you. Yes, it's true that some things just won't work anymore, you didn't make them that way, when you started you didn't know it would make this turn. So... discuss it, figure things out and move on, You are not the only two people on this planet.

kathy569 · February 2012

First time user to this media world but when I read this QuoteI I had to reply i dont know who reads this info but felt like i had to respond. I laid it out on the table last night as well and felt relieved to do so. I dont know if it helped my marriage or made things ? We have been married since 2000, we have 2 kids 10 & 8, im a stay at home mom who does everything from taking care of the kids to dinner everynight laundry etc and never gets appreciated for what i do? Im not asking for wow's here my hubby is a control freak hes compulsive I mean if anyone lived a week in my shoes they would get out quick! why do i stay!...?? ya know, im getting to the point where I am building up my confidence and remembering i was once independent before him I can do it again! we made an apt with an atttorney to go over our options about how divorce works to being seperated? maybe this is what we need to remind ourselves there is no right or wrong in a marriage its the respect you have for oneanother i feel when you lose that respect how could the marriage work? Thank god for family<I just lost my mom last year to cancer and my father passed in 2000 (3 mo) before I walked down the aisle i have four sibligs who are so close and I can always depend on them for love and support. My hubby has his mom and dad and couldnt care one bit to see them?? breaks my heart I would geve anything to see my parents again!! My mom passed in my arms at my house and i dont know if i could ever get over that? people say its a good thing she was with me and not by herslf? If I could give any advice here is love your family everyday!! once they are gone your world will be different. i know my parents are together now and thats what makes me feel better. until next time>>>>

Moeranda · February 2012

"No matter how scary it might be, you can choose to divorce this man anytime. You are choosing to stay with him, for reasons I simply don't understand. "

I agree with Kate. Also, her daughters middle name is Hermione which I think attributes to her impeccable judgement. WTH are you doing with that kind of man that you ever have to think to your self "Oh Yay! Best cast scenerio! He only screamed at me?"

barrett-hamlin · February 2012

I just wanted to share with the OP what helped me get out of my abusive relationship of 7 years:One day I realized: I'd rather be miserable adn alone for the rest of my life, than miserable and abused with him.Of course, once you leave, you won't be miserable after a few months.

And if you can't do it for yourself (I know how hard it is to value yourself after years of put-downs adn shame) do it for your child, or even your abuser. Because children of abusers frequewntly grow up to be abusers, and if your husband has any hope in hell of changing, he won't ever be able to do it WITH you.

I hope one of these thoughts helps you reach the tipping point that I

barrett-hamlin · February 2012

Damn you slow internet!! I deleted all that and had rewritten it about 3 minutes ago, and it just auto-submitted!! Sorry for the spelling - i always spell-check at the end....

Final thought: Abused women's groups really do help!!!

ABowman0424 · February 2012

You two need to talk, not just have a date night. Good for you for speaking up. Its not worth being in a unhappy marriage. He needs to make some changes.

jaxxee · March 2012

Hey there, I'm in the same boat as you OP. I hope you are well, or well enough. I also laid it out on the table the other night. Obviously this thread is a little old now but I want you to know that you shouldn't worry about other people getting tired of this thread. I've been married 3 years and am wondering what to do also. Its hard. I'm scared of facing everyone I know if I fail at marriage. Plus I love my husband when he's sober. Its not an easy decision and some people stay in their marriages for 20, 30 or 40 years before they end it. Look at Al Gore and his wife! (Not a good comparison I know sorry!) Meant to be a joke

Anyway, when there is physical and verbal abuse in a relationship, plus a child involved you have to be strong for the child. The child will respect you for it later. I have plenty of friends who are still mad at their mother for staying with a loser and ruining their childhoods. Have you saved up money? do you have somewhere to go to live for a while? Parent's house? Think all this through and be smart about it. I am slowly getting my affairs in order also. I have a birth certificate for my YS, waiting for his SS card and applying for a passport for him.

I get that you are on the fence. I am too. I will try counseling first, I will exhaust all other avenues before I officially cut the cord. I still really do want our marriage to work. I wonder if marriage counseling will help us to communicate better. We started seeing a counselor last year and when he decided that DH's alcoholism was the problem he basically stopped counseling both of us and said it would be better for my husband to see him alone and work on that. It didn't. He saw the guy for 6 months and basically lied to the counselor the whole time. I would like to find one that can see through all DH's bullshit. I want us to communicate respectfully without one of us getting upset over nothing. But we have 2 under 2, gorgeous little boys and I am isolated here in the US coming from another country. So its really really hard to pack up 2 little ones all by yourself. One child would be so much easier.... Its okay though, you are not alone.

blueyes3 · March 2012

SueBear:
I understand what you mean, but what do you expect when you tell someone "we are on the road for divorce?" If that's not what your H wants, then he's going to try to make an effort - which is why you got your date night.

If you want a divorce, then I would just file and tell him that's what you want. If you want counseling / anger management for him, etc.....then you should have told him that at the time.

I agree with this girl. Guys don't think like we do. He thinks you want more so he's trying to give it to you with a date. Heading to divorce is different than getting a divorce. If you're unhappy then you need to specifically lay out what it is that you want him to do in order to make things better.

cambriaolsen · April 2012

I have been here and I am on the other side of it. There may have been a little bit of a difference though.

My husband and I were married for a year and a half at the time, (3 years now) , and we got in a heated argument. It got to the point that he put a knife to his wrist and threatened to kill himself. (This was NOT the first time, there had been times where I had been hit, thrown, and pushed all while holding our 8 month old) There had also been times when he abandoned us and just left, went three hours away to his best friends house. Needless to say, we were on the ''road to divorce'' and it was scary. Finally one day I sat him down (in a private restaurant after already packing up my son and my things and moving them into my parents) and told him that he had scared me enough and that I had moved out. I handed him a list of counselors and therapists and told him to get help with his anger management and then gave him the name and number of my counselor that I would be seeing to help me cope with the separation as well. He followed me to my parents house and nearly ran me off the road, (fortunately my dad was home and able to come rescue me).

Long story short, I filed for a PFA (Protection from Abuse) to which he countered Child Custody, etc, etc. BUT neither of us filed for divorce because we knew its what we DIDN'T want. Now, I will say this, I heard a LOT of negative comments from family, friends, and passerbys but I knew deep down that I LOVE my husband. He did end up going to court ordered anger management and I went to counseling. We settled in our Custody Agreement 3 days out of court ---- thats right 3 days!!! So, what I have to say to this --- it is possible to have an abusive husband change. We have been going to marriage counseling and it works wonders. We couldn't be happier and definitely have a different relationship than we did before. I know it may sound wrong, but I agree, lawyer up, go for a Restraining Order, PFA, Protection Order, whatever you need to get it done, make him realize you are serious -- this was the HARDEST thing to do, but in the end, I was safe, most importantly our son was safe and I still have my marriage.

Every relationship is different -- but it IS possible. I've been there.

catg2874 · April 2012

I have been where you are. Since you have never actually told him before, could it be that he is ready to help correct the issues in the marriage. Sometimes we think that our body language and snippy comments tell the partner there is an issue. I really think that you need to decide if you are done, then be honest with him and tell him. But you dropped the "we are HEADED for divorce." gving him chance to change, a chance for therapy cant be a bad thing.... I walked away from someone without giving my all to make sure we werent meant to be and it took a long time to let go or the "What ifs"..... Blessed be.

rainieday · April 2012

Wow! I can honestly say that I'm amazed that this post is still getting responses. I've read them all, and have taken some VERY essential advice from them.

I am still seeing my therapist, and working on getting to a healthy place (physically and mentally). I've had one very large piece of the puzzle that I needed in place before I could financiallly move forward, and I am happy to say that it is very near completion.

H has been distant, very distant, lately. Which I guess is fine with me, distant is better than a$$hole, and it does nothing to change my mind about the decisions I am making.

Thanks again to everyone for your support, and advice. Someday soon, I will be in a place where I can post something really, really post worthy. But I just wanted to let you all know that I am still here, lurking around, and I appreciate you.

SuzanneCD · April 2012

Agree to go out with him but say, "this is not a date". Enforce that this is a meeting for you two to talk about your issues. Meet him somewhere public like a coffee house to help ensure the conversation will remain civil. If he gets out of hand leave.

mollyemrytle1 · June 2012

Remember your vows.

We mess up. We fail. They mess up. They fail. Nobody ever said it was going to be perfect. Remember that marriage is forever - Don't back out. Go on that date && continue to date your husband. That is what people forget - Always flirt with your wife && always date your husband.

I know it can get tough. BUt as someone who dated the same person for 10 years in order to get it right, I am 100% a believer in things can change && it can work out. Don't give up. There is so much GOOD in your relationship in order to turn your back.

mollyemrytle1 · June 2012

Remember your vows.

We mess up. We fail. They mess up. They fail. Nobody ever said it was going to be perfect. Remember that marriage is forever - Don't back out. Go on that date && continue to date your husband. That is what people forget - Always flirt with your wife && always date your husband.

I know it can get tough. BUt as someone who dated the same person for 10 years in order to get it right, I am 100% a believer in things can change && it can work out. Don't give up. There is so much GOOD in your relationship in order to turn your back.

Oh && good job for speaking with your heart. Do that more often. Communication is the key. Seriously. Then come friendship.

I laid it out on the table last night

Re: I laid it out on the table last night

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