Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Does anyone here find that their single friends just don't "get it"?
The title speaks for itself.....
I'm just wondering if anyone has run into any issues or has gone through some kind of 'transition' in their relationships with friends who are still single since getting married.
My hubby & I still have quite a few who are still single, and while that's totally fine, some of them cannot seem to grasp the fact that we're married now and might not want to do things like hang out in the clubs until 8am anymore. You know, because we have other things to do the next day that take priority in our lives. I don't mind hanging out with friends and do believe it's healthy to do so, but sometimes *smh* Seems like it's more the single male friends that we have issues with more than the ladies who are single. I actually have only one female friend who is still single and she's totally cool. I keep hoping she'll meet a nice guy one day. But one of our other friends actually had the nerve to suggest to my husband that he put me in a cab once when we were all out together and he wanted my hubby to stay out late when we were trying to leave to go home because we had work the next morning. Totally not cool and I said that to our friend too. (it never happened again after that, but just giving that as one example of how they don't get it)
I'm finding that I enjoy the company of other married people more now because I feel like I can relate to them a bit more than my single friends these days. Anyone else feel like this though?
Re: Does anyone here find that their single friends just don't "get it"?
Sounds like you've just grown up and some of your friends have not. I have been the "single" friend to a lot of married couples over the past 5 years and I never felt left out or like I couldn't relate to them anymore just because I was single and they got married.
It sounds like you just need to hang out with people who are more in the same life stage as you - whether they are married or single. I don't think it's fair to say all single people like to stay out and party until 8am. And not everyone has to be married to have a grown up lifestyle.
With that said, there are nights that I hang out with girlfriends and FI hangs out with his guy friends. I don't see what the problem with doing that either.
I agree with all of this. I don't feel this way about my single friends, but they are also fully fledged adults with jobs, bills, etc. Would I be drifting away from friends who are still party party party? Absolutely, but that has nothing to do with their relationship status. Are the majority of your single friends still in school? That could be an issue for sure.
Also, I would strongly echo having girl's night and guy's night. That is healthy and normal. You don't want to be one of those couples who can't go anywhere without each other. Its creepy and seems like you don't trust your spouse.
I had a friend who did exactly that: somehow got engaged a month after we got married --- the engagment was over as fast as it happened.
I think that if your behavior changed so drastically after a piece of paper and a ring, then it's no wonder that your friends think you're weird. Did you hang out in clubs until 8am when you were dating exclusively, or engaged (and really, where ARE you that clubs close at 8am instead of the standard 2)? Why is it so different now?
This is the second smug married post I've seen from you, and if after only two posts you're rubbing me the wrong way, then I can only imagine what your friends are thinking. Your friends aren't jealous - they're justifiably annoyed.
While I was single, I didn't want to stay out at clubs until 8am.
I'm not completely sure where that stereotype comes from.
I mean, most single people I know have jobs. They can't stay out all night.
Are you just looking for an excuse not to stay friends with someone?
I'm w/ Doglove and Kuus on this.
This really is NOT a "married vs single" thing unless you, well, make it into that. And yeah... "smug marrieds" are the ones who seem to make it into this.
My single friends are all homeowners, have "real" jobs, have commitments that also put them in bed at 9pm, etc. They all "get it".
Heck, before we had DS and while we still lived in the city, there were a couple nights where I went home before DH did. I don't see what being married has to do with it- I was tired and wanted to go to bed, he wasn't tired and wanted to stay out.
We're not joined at the hip- we can do this.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I didn't mean to make it seem like I was lumping all single people into the same category. I mean, even the friends who are still single, they are still great people, but just seem to still be in 'party mode' some of them. Sometimes that's cool - I still do enjoy going out and hanging out with them, but I've slowed down a bit and realize that there's more to life than party party party, unlike some of our friends. And while we're looking to do things like buy a house, these guys still have roommates or live at home. Again, not the worst thing in the world really, but comm'on. Some of these friends are actually hitting their 30's now, so for me I want to shake them all and tell them to grow up already! I think that's it though - I'm just feeling at a different place in my life mentaly more than anything.....we have married friends too and it's just amazing the difference in attitude and behavior between them vs some of the ones who are not married.
You sound ... kind of bitchy, honestly.
You know, because we have other things to do the next day that take priority in our lives.
Some of these friends are actually hitting their 30's now, so for me I want to shake them all and tell them to grow up already!
we have married friends too and it's just amazing the difference in attitude and behavior between them vs some of the ones who are not married.
Being married does not make you any different, better, or more mature. (Obviously.)
I know married people who are total dingbats, and single people who are more together than I'll ever be.
Your generalizations are painfully uninformed and really kind of mean.
Updated September 2012.
If you've never been into going clubbing until 3 a.m., and you choose to keep company with people who enjoy this and keep pestering you to do this, then it's your own fault for keeping up friendships like this and then having the gall to get annoyed at them since you're now married and *head toss* don't have time for all this partying. People aren't going to change just because you got married. Or, like PP said, if you suddenly stopped your partygoing ways by saying, "*tsk* We're MARRIED now, we don't have time for this childish nonsense," when it was perfectly all right to act like this before your wedding, then your friends are probably pissed at your new self-righteous attitude.
Either way, you're entitled to not like clubbing or drinking until the wee hours of the morning, but you're naive to think that marriage was what cured you of that. You either like this stuff or you don't. A marriage certificate doesn't automatically make you more mature and responsible. I have married friends who party like this, and I have single friends who were never interested in this kind of thing to begin with. Marriage won't make party-going people say, "Gee, I'd better settle down and get a job and wake up on time!"
And to answer your question - no, I don't have any single friends who just don't "get it." I stay friends with people because I like them and because we have common interests. It has nothing to do with who's married and who's not. If I don't have something in common with someone, then I don't hang out with them, simple as that.
Saying that single people just don't understand what marriage is all about is just snotty and pretentious of you. Maybe they wanted to put you in a cab and get you out of there because of your attitude that married people are superior and smarter than singles.
Sorry if you think I'm being smug and fyi - I live in NY and most clubs close later than the standard 2am that other cities require clubs to close. I am actually involved in the nightlife industry, as is my husband, in addition to our daytime jobs, so to be out at a late hour is not unheard of. It just seems that lately, we've had other stuff going on and some of our friends don't seem to get it and expect us to continue being out until all hours of the day and night. Again, wasn't trying to lump all single people in the same category, but my hubby and I do have some friends who just are perpetually in party mode and it's starting to get old.
You aren't responsible for anyone else's life choices, and it is sure as hell not your place to say who is and is not leading a worthy life. Stop being judgemental of people who are supposed to be your friends. Not everyone is going to be like you, and those who aren't like you are not automatically wrong or irresponsible.
If you like their company, hang out with them. If not, then don't. It's as simple as that. But don't hang out with them and then act like marriage somehow makes you better than them. If you want to be around more "responsible" or "mature" people, then cut these friends loose and find some new ones.
So what's changed between the present and the past? Do you have new job obligations, have you just outgrown the late nights, or do you feel that you should act differently now that you're married?
If I sound mean, then so be it....I don't think it's mean - I think it's just being honest.
Rather than quote each one of you - you guys have made valid points and again, sorry for coming across the wrong way towards you all. That was not my intention
But what is it about being married that makes you "oh so different/more mature/more responsible"? Why did getting married suddenly make YOU a different person?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Your posts really do come off with a pretty snotty and superior tone.
Updated September 2012.
OMG their 30s!!! GASP!
It is absolutely none of your business if your friends have a different lifestyle than what you do. If you aren't paying their bills for them and they aren't endangering themselves or anyone else then what business is it of yours? Why would you care?
And your comment about them having roommates while you are looking to buy a house is smug as hell. You are no better than they are because you are married and could buy a house. These "friends" would probably be better off without your "friendship" if you feel this way about them.
You have yet to decisively explain what any of this has to do with being single vs. being married.
You DO, however, sound like a big ol' wet blanket who wants to use her wedding ban as a means to drop half of her husband's friends.
BTW? I would totally go home and tell the fiance "see you later" if I was really tired and he was not.
I still can't quite get what is pissing you off so much...
I'd like to know this as well.
We have a good friend, that, when he was a bachelor, he called us all the time & we saw him more often. He didn't necessarily want to stay out late, but he did always want to go out. He just had no where to be & had money to spend. Now, he is engaged and we double-date as much as we can, but life can get in the way & it gets tough. It isn't that he didn't have a "life" before, but just has a different kind of life now. Also, him & his fiance became homeowners too, so that requires a lot of their time.
My bff is single and she is so crazy busy, that even if she wanted to stay out til 8am, she couldn't. My CW's drive me crazy because none of them are in serious relationships & are always going out & want me to join and then get mad when I don't.
I think it really depends on the type of person. To me, even if I wasn't married or dating someone, I still think I would behave responsibly. Not saying that I'm an old lady & never have fun, but "fun" to me isn't staying out til 3am when you have to get up for work 3hrs later, ha.
I agree w/this.
I don't understand what "other things you have to do the next day" you have as a married person that a single person doesn't?
I'm wondering about the bolded too. Did marriage REALLY change your life THAT much?
You don't sound mean, but you DO sound incredibly judgemental and holier-than-thou, whether you intend to be or not.
I think you're also being pretty naive to think that marriage is what's come between you and your friends. People grow apart, some people decide to settle down while others want to keep having fun or choose to have less responsibilities ... it happens and it's not uncommon. But to act like marriage is what separates the responsible people from the irresponsible or aimless people ... well, you're doing to piss off a lot of your friends with this horrible attitude. Whether you say it to them or not, if you truly believe this then it's going to come across in your actions and attitude. People can usually read between the lines, even if you don't specifically say out loud, "You single people just don't GET the responsibilities that a mature married couple like us has."
If your post had said something like, "I'm finding that I no longer enjoy staying out until 3 a.m. but a lot of my current friends do, and I don't know what to do," then I think the responses here would have been a bit different. But "single people just don't get that married people are different than them" is absolutely not true. Take everyone's marital status out of the equation here and look at it from that viewpoint.
Ditto the PPs who are wondering just how much your life changed after you got married. Personally, mine didn't really change all that much at all - I have the same friends, same overall habits, same likes/dislikes. I didn't just develop a new "married personality" and neither did MH. If you're really finding that your life has done a 180 since your wedding, then, frankly, that's a big problem.
Simply put, getting married puts you in a higher category than single people. I believe that people who are single after the age of 25 must have issues with growing up, otherwise they'd be in the married club.
I say dump them and only hang out with married people because only they can understand adult responsibility and the married lifestyle. Who needs single friends that prefer to go out and have fun until 8:00 a.m.?
Look, I am really sorry that I came across as rude, snotty, bitchy, etc - I really did not intend to come across that way and I apologize.
As far as thinking I'm better than my non-married friends, it's not that either....my friends, both single and married, are actually awesome people. I think I'm just feeling on a different page than the single ones are at the present time. I mean, don't any of you ever feel like this with friends in general from time to time? It doesn't mean I think I'm better than them, it doesn't mean I think that now that I'm married that I should never hang out with them or never go out at all or never let my husband go out without me. My husband actually rents out a studio space and spends time there working on music projects, and that's cool - I get to have time to do things I enjoy outside of music when he's at the studio. I still love hanging out with my friends, but I think just not as much as they like to these days. We live in a place where there's always stuff to do every single night here - but going out 3,4,5 nights out of the week gets old after a while. It's nothing personal against them or anything, it's just how I've been feeling as of late.
Again, sorry for coming across in a rude way to you guys....
The point is, what you are observing has nothing to do with being married. It has to do with a person's lifestyle and stage in life. Some people (even married ones <gasp>) like to go out and have a good time at clubs, bars, etc, some don't. You don't. You probably would have gotten to that point with or without a wedding ring. Seriously, did the actual act of getting married change you so much that now you are SO different than your single friends? Didn't this probably start when you started dating someone exclusively? I mean, really, going out to clubs has a lot to do with meeting someone you want to potentially date and if you are seriously dating someone you are less likely to want to go out and meet other men, right?
I am 42 and just starting to plan my first wedding. I have been settled down for a very long time...even when I wasn't dating anyone. It has nothing to do with my marital status.
I actually know some married people that go out way more than some of my single friends!
This is why I'm not getting your "my single friends dont' get it".
Yes - I do feel like I'm on a different page than some of my friends sometimes, but it has nothing to do w/ their being married or not.
I gotta tell you- if you see married/not married as having this huge impact, I actually really do wonder what's going to happen when you have kids. You want to talk about something tangible that really does impact relationships? Kids is it.
And it impacts ALL my relationships - w/ single friends, w/ married friends, and w/ friends who have kids.
But I strive hard to not let it hurt my relationships. I may not see friends as much as I used to, and it may take scheduling stuff out weeks in advance to see some people, but I make it happen and I try hard not to sit on a high horse of "Oh, my friends w/o kids just don't understand my life!!!". You want to talk about alienating people? That will do it. There is actually one person who used to be in my life who isn't anymore largely because of her holier-than-thou attitude.
And let me add- she started off in the "Oh, now that I'm married" place too. She really, literally seemed to think she was better than people who weren't married. Then add in having kids? Yeah, you really didn't rank in her life if you weren't married and didn't have kids.
You say this isn't what you mean. If that's really the case, I'm just going to caution you about how you're coming across. Because if we're all picking this up here - you may very well be coming across like this to your friends, whether you mean it or not.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
This is almost as ridiculous as the OP's post. Jealous? Really? No, the OP is just a smug biitch who thinks she's better than them now that she's married.
I really doubt they are jealous. REALLY. This is just...ugh. No.
I think I'm just feeling on a different page than the single ones are at the present time. I mean, don't any of you ever feel like this with friends in general from time to time?
Absolutely, I have friends like this. I hang out with them once in a while, but since (like you) I can't really stomach being around people who seem to think that life is just one big game, they're not my core group of friends. My closest friends are the ones who are kind people and know how to have fun while still having their shiit in order.
You're missing the point. Marriage will not change them, just as marriage is not what changed you. Marriage doesn't come with a whole new set of expectations on who you are as a person ... marriage is supposed to enhance what's already there, ideally for the better. If you and your H have decided that you're over the party lifestyle, that's fine, but that's because YOU decided that. The ring didn't decide it for you, just like it won't decide that for your friends someday.
This post kind of makes me sad. I got married later than some of my other friends and a few of them commented that they were so happy I was finally a "real grown up" and such after my wedding. I have been financially independent since I was a teenager. In my mind, I was a "real" grown up long before some of them were. Sounds like this is your attitude and I was very, very hurt by this type of thing.
Just b/c their choices are different than mine doesn't make them wrong or make you less than me. Sorry if this wasn't your intent but like others have said, I bet this is how it comes off to your single friends.