Military Nesties
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
The Martyrdom of the Military Wife
There is a martyrdom among many military spouses that I flat out do not understand. Before I begin, let me first say that I my husband is a sergeant in the Army with 4 deployments to Iraq, and I am an Army wife. Furthermore, I am also a sergeant in the Army, with one deployment to Afghanistan. Lest anyone question my understanding of this situation, those facts belong on the table. I will first say that this martyrdom of women married to military men is a curious thing. At first glance, one can understand that military life is tough. Frequent separations due to training, TDY assignments, and worst of all, deployments, are common and families deal with moving around the country and sometimes the world every few years in between. So perhaps it's not so unreasonable to say that being a military wife is a pretty tough gig. Yet here is where I stop pitying the military wife. I refuse to commiserate with the military wife who says she has the toughest job in the Army/Navy/USMC/USAF. First of all, being a wife is not a job, it's simply something you do. Being a parent, or a sister, or a daughter, or a niece, or an aunt, or any other feminine description you can imagine is not a job. These are what happens as a divine right of birth, and in some cases, choice. More importantly, being a military wife is not the toughest job in any branch of service. I'm fairly certain that Special Forces, recon Marines, infantrymen, tankers, cavalry scouts, EOD technicians, combat engineers, and artillerymen would all consider that their daily tasks are tougher than changing diapers, paying bills, baking cookies, and "holding down the fort." Additionally, changing diapers, paying bills, baking cookies, and "holding down the fort" are all things she would do day to day anyway if she were a stay-at-home mom or a working mom and her husband worked a civilian job. Why? Because these things are part of life. I also speak from experience here. I have been on the homefront worrying over my husband while he is in Iraq, and it was mentally and emotionally trying, but I have also been on foot patrols in deep mud, wondering if an when I would step on an IED. I have stood in an OP in wet boots in January and have gone days without sleep and showers and I did all of this while wearing approximately 60 pounds of gear. I have encountered gravely and mortally wounded servicemembers firsthand, and held their hands while they asked why this had to happen to them. While I wouldn't trade these experiences for the world, I also wouldn't wish them on anyone else, and I would gladly take the homefront over the front lines any day. On that note, I often hear many military wives complain that they are essentially single mothers while their men are away. This is true, to a point, but did no one stop to consider that there are millions of ACTUAL single mothers living in America and around the rest of the world that make life happen? Military wives at least have their husband's paycheck coming in to rely on, and healthcare, and access to a myriad of resources that REAL single mothers do not. If her husband leaves her and runs off with another woman, she will become a real single mother, and perhaps not say these things so lightly. I've also heard some military wives say that they are the reason their husbands can do what they do. They wash his uniforms, they organize his gear, they get up with him and cook him breakfast before PT, and have dinner waiting for him at the table when he gets home. If it wasn't for their selfless service, every branch of the military would fall to bits. But this begs a question: how do single soldiers, sailors, airmen and Marines hold their lives together? How is it they don't show up late to work in dirty uniforms and starving? I merely make this point because if the military teaches its servicemembers anything, it's a little self-reliance. Anyone over the age of 18 is and adult and fully capable of doing their own laundry and feeding themselves. I will not discount the Betty Homemaker role some military spouses claim, but I will not agree that they are the grease that keeps the big green machine in motion. Grosser still is the wife who takes more control over her husband's career than he does. It never fails to hear about wives threatening the chain of command, bullying reenlistment NCOs and career counselors and throwing around the rank of their husband as though it means something. "Army/Navy/USMC/USAF wife: don't confuse your rank with my authority" and "Household 6" are strangely common terms, but they are not and do not imply actual positions of authority. Any wife that begins a statement with "My husband is a gunnery sergeant/first sergeant/major?" has identity issues. On this same topic, many military wives often say "we" when referring to their husband. This may seem normal to anyone not associated with military service. "We are going on vacation" or "we are PCSing" could be true statements. The unforgivable is the wife that says "we are infantry/cavalry/special forces?" Last I checked, these men had to do a lot of things to earn these titles, so should she get to say that because of a marriage license? But there are those that also say things like "we are getting promoted" or "we are reenlisting/getting an Article 15/getting chaptered out." Those are not things that happen to "us," they happen to her husband. Being married to a person does not chain her at the hip and make all individual accomplishments collective. Consider this, if a military wife gets a degree, how absurd would it sound for her to say "we got a degree?" Even if her husband helped her study for finals or edited term papers, his name would not appear on that degree. In this same way, HER name does not appear on his Article 15 or promotion orders. Worse yet, I've heard some military wives actually imply that they are in the military. IN the military, meaning they do not believe themselves to be civilians. I understand that the military is a lifestyle, but a man's service doesn't extend to his wife. Unless a wife has gone to basic training and dealt with the daily ins and outs of military service, she is a civilian. If I were married to a lawyer, that wouldn't make me a member of the American Bar Association any more than being married to a servicemember makes a woman a member of the U.S. military. I've seen wives complain over breaches of military customs and courtesies. Wives that complain that they don't see enough troopers saluting officers, or conducting themselves properly at Reveille and Retreat, or improperly wearing a uniform, etc. baffle me. Customs and courtesies are part of the traditions and pageantry of the Army, and are great things. As an NCO, I reserve the right to hem up anyone I see violating them, and would expect an NCO to do the same to me if I were violating them myself. How is it a wife's place to suggest that a private walking outside the PX/BX should salute a captain? Or even worse, wonder why a private isn't saluting a staff sergeant? I wouldn't mention these but I've heard them complained over and heard wives actually say that troops doing the wrong thing disgusts them or somehow makes their lives harder. Wives can be entitled to an opinion, but unless she's "taken her licks" and wears a uniform herself, the standards and discipline of the military should be entrusted to its servicemembers. On another note, being in the military really is tough. It's a tough job, but it's far from a thankless one. Various military establishments offer discounts to military members, and some are even kind enough to extend it to spouses. I've been thanked for my service many times when I'm in uniform, and have even had people comp my meals. It is humbling, just how much outpouring of support is really out there. Military wives who believe that they themselves are "owed" a discount because of their husband's service is the absolutely WORST kind of wife in my opinion. She has not volunteered to wear a uniform and risk her life on behalf of her country, she merely volunteered to marry someone else who did. If a business does not give a spouse a discount because she is not the actual servicemember, whining about it says a lot about her character, and her gross level of entitlement. That being said, troops also have dangerous jobs. Wives who consistently wallow in this fact and mention it to every civilian they encounter, along with comments like "my hero fights for our freedom" are mildly amusing. The military is not the only dangerous job out there, nor is it even statistically the MOST dangerous. Stop to consider this: truck drivers spend millions of hours on America's roads hauling everything from timber logs and gasoline to frozen pizzas and reams of paper for the American consumer. Without them, America as we know it would fall apart. They spend long separations from their families while on the road, and miss many important milestones in their children's lives. Often they are underpaid and underinsured. Approximately 800 truck drivers die every year on American roads, which statistically is about how many troops die in Iraq and Afghanistan (with 2007 being a high outlier and 2011 being a low outlier). (1)(2) Rarely do I hear about this great outpouring of support for the wives of truckers. Equally arduous, dangerous, necessary and often thankless jobs include lumberjacking, mining, the oil industry, crab and lobster fishering and heavy construction work. I speak from prior civilian job experience when I say that the military is probably a cakewalk compared to some of these jobs, and the men and women who work in them do so with a lot less respect, than your husband. Even if her husband was "fighting for our freedom," without lumberjacks, she'd be wiping her ass with plastic toilet paper. On second thought, she wouldn't, because the truckers wouldn't even be delivering it to her local Walmart. So before throwing herself and her family at the feet of America in martyrdom, she should consider these things. Speaking of "fighting for our freedom", this is a common expression I hear many people, not just military wives, spew all the time. Unless a person knows someone who fought in World War II, explain to me how our brave men and women in uniform are fighting for our freedom? I won't say what we've done in Iraq and are still doing in Afghanistan aren't noble causes or don't have purpose. I won't say Korea, Vietnam, and Operation Desert Storm were all completely fruitless endeavors either, and I in no way wish to cheapen military service. 9/11 was a heinous thing and the bastards who did it deserved to pay, but last time I checked, the Taliban didn't invade America, they only attacked it. Our literal freedom wasn't being threatened, hasn't been in a long time and I do thank the brave men who came before me for that. But anyone, particularly military wives, touting this idea of their husband "keeping America free" needs a history lesson. I do not believe these examples represent all military wives. I feel sorry for even having to say this, because there are good ones out there. Yet there are also ones who only define themselves by what their husbands do, and that is where a lot of these bizarre notions come from. I have stood on both sides of a war, and I understand firsthand that military families, husband, wife, and kids, all make sacrifices. I just can't stand hearing the things I've just mentioned, because they cheapen me as a Soldier, as a wife, as a woman, and as an American. (1) Christie, L. (2003, October 13). America's most dangerous jobs. Retrieved from http://money.cnn.com/2003/10/13/pf/dangerousjobs/(2) iCasualties. (2012, January 12). Coalition military fatalities by year. Retrieved from http://icasualties.org/
Re: The Martyrdom of the Military Wife
Well aren't you rude to come on this board on your high horse when you don't know us or anything about us. For the record, I don't really think anyone on here is a martyr or likes them either.
I changed my name
I don't think you'll find anyone on this board, aside from the occasional newbies who didn't lurk before posting, who will disagree with your whole diatribe.
ETA: Are those citations at the end? Is this an article/opinion piece from somewhere, or did OP write this?
Nevermind, I found the paragraph with the citations.
Dude. I have a t-shirt that says, Wife is not an MOS. But wth is this? No one thinks that way on this board, maybe you should go post your diatribe on CinCHouse or something. And maybe start with the fact that you are AD Army. I find it curious that you discuss his deployments and service before yours.
Indeed.
67/200
Well, aren't you special.
Is that what you wanted to hear?
I changed my name
As I read through this again you just sound like a bitter moron. You sound like you're a service member martyr. Lol. I think you need a better hobby than trolling this message board. Or better lurking skills, because while you'll certainly find women AND men (I know a civ man married to an Lt who fits your irritation list WAY more than any wife I know) but you won't find them hanging around here for long because they'll get flamed off the board.
Youre a very silly lady
I changed my name
TTC#1 since 12/2010- 12/2011 Hyperthyroid with Grave's
DX 10/2012 Unexplained IF
IUI #2- 4/25/13- BFP 5/9/13- CP
IUI#4- 9/3/13- BFP 9/17/13- Due Date 05/27/14
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Ha yeah, I lurk here and play over on MB usually.
I second everyone else.
Are you mental? Whatta hell is wrong with you for posting something like this? The military wives I know are nothing like you described and neither am I.
I'm amused.
I need to go wash H's uniforms, though, so I can't spend any more time responding.
God, stop being such a martyr!
What a ridiculous, venemous waste of words.
After almost 26 years I am 3 months from starting my terminal leave and retiring. I do not know the women you describe and it doesn't seem like anyone else here does either.
The line that really pissses me off is about how this cheapens you as a Soldier, wife, woman, and American. That is the most ridiculous thing I have heard in a long time. And for the record, my career started when women were a sub-life form in the military and I know what it is like to not be taken seriously. You are a real piece of work.
What I'm wondering now is why DH doesn't have my dinner started or my ACU's clean and ready for tomorrow morning. That boy has some explaining to do.
Agreed. Pretty sure 99% of this board agrees with most of that. Not sure what your aim was in posting this (?).
I changed my name
Yeah, the only thing more annoying than martyr spouses are uppity soldiers. If you're having problems with people, remember, water seeks its own level.
LIke the others have said, you have obviously never lurked here. Thank you, Oh wise angry person for shedding some light on things for us.
BTW, there are at least 6 of us on this board who have served IN the military in some capacity. You, sweetheart are not special. You have just presented your self as a martyr. Way to be a hypocrite.
*picking jaw up off the floor*
Pity? Nahhh.... I don't want your pity. But doggonit, I will vent with women in the same situation. And why can't I? I don't get on my high horse though when a non-military wife friend complains that her dh has to travel for 2 weeks. Everyone has crap in their life. And sometimes it's okay to blow off steam in the right crowd.
I think the people you need to speak to are the soldiers themselves in many cases. My dh is always telling me that i have the harder job. I always tell him that I'm not getting shot at so he's wrong. He always tells me that I (and our kids) are the reason he can do what he does. He's not talking about having his wash done. Our relationship it built on much more than that and those conversations are part of our relationship. I'll make sure to pass your message along the next time he gets a satellite phone and can call home though.