Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
AW - BF is being sneaky...
...in a good way! He went out on Friday evening and wouldn't tell me where he was going. He was pacing the house before he left and he was odd when he came home, so I asked him a few times if he was okay and what was going on.
So...after being illusive for a while and pacing over stuff, he told me what was on his mind. He bought me a ring! He will not tell me what kind, but he's like crapping his pants over it. LOL. He borrowed my old E-ring to bring with him for sizing, and the ring he bought me is being sized so I won't be getting it for a few weeks. He's going to surprise me! Yay!
On Saturday he took me to the store where he bought it, and he showed me a few rings to gauge my reaction. I still don't know which one he picked, but he kept saying "I didn't want to buy a diamond. They're common. Everyone has one. I want your ring to be unique." soooo I don't know! I'm nervous and excited! We're together 8 months next week, which isn't a very long time I suppose, but it's not like I'm going to marry him tomorrow or anything. I was engaged to STBXH 4 months after I met him, yeah. Yikes. LOL.
But thanks for listening, I'm excited!
Re: AW - BF is being sneaky...
Please read this knowing I am genuinely concerned for you:
I'm glad you're excited, but I would suggest you slow down. With everything you have posted, I don't think you're in a good place to get engaged. I think you owe it to yourself AND your bf to get a little more even before you make that step. I honestly believe that if you move forward with this, you WILL regret this in a few years.
*Sigh* I know. He knows I'm going through a lot, and he's working with me and helping me. I don't want to rush anything but I see what we're doing. I know that he told me that it takes 4 weeks for the ring to be sent out and sized, so I know I have a month, at least, before he gives it to me. I don't want to rush it. I know it would be a long while before we got married. I'm still waiting on my divorce decree to come in the mail. I'm just excited that he wants me in his future, because I want him and I'm excited we're on the same page. I'm going to slow it down. We discussed that we want to work on a happy marriage because both of us have been married before. It's just going so well, especially lately...
I've never had a man go out and buy me something on his own accord. This is the first ever. STBXH bought me my E-ring after being stupid and proposing when he was not ready, because he never was ready to marry me. He put his foot in his mouth and realized "SHlT. Now I have to get her a ring" and it ended up being a shltshow.
Then please listen to yourself. If he loves you and is supportive, tell him that now is not the time to be doing this. Wait awhile...if he's in it for the long haul, there is no need to hurry into this. Put the engagement off for a year and then re-evaluate. Use that time to work on your mental health status and regaining your self worth. Please please please take time for you and listen to your inner voice.
Okay-A) I question how much he is helping you if he thinks NOW is an okay time to get engaged. I mean, aren't you considering going inpatient? I DON'T think he has your best interest at heart and think it is quite selfish to put his want to marry you above your mental health needs.
C) A month is not a lot of time. A month IS rushing it.
PLEASE get the help you need and focus on YOU not this relationship. I say this with concern. Your BF may be a really great guy, but what you need right now is a really great you and that needs to come first. DO not get engaged or married until you are in an okay place mentally and emotionally. It will not end well if you do. I do not say this to be mean, I say this because I am concerned for your well being. From everything you have posted on here you are in no place to be in a relationship, let alone be getting married.
I couldn't get past this.
Thank you. I understand where the concern comes in, and I appreciate it. I will not rush anything. I will, however, wear a ring my BF bought for me lol. I really am not going to rush into getting married again. I want to make sure that everything is right this time around, and do it right.
I am getting help. I have seen 3 doctors already, upped my medication, and I have been going to therapy every week. I feel MUCH better since they upped my meds, but I know I have a long road ahead of me.
Well he wanted to surprise me and he didn't know my ring size...so the only ring I own is my old E-ring because I sold my wedding band. I didn't see a problem with this.
::throws hands up in surrender::
Honestly, I give up. We have given you nothing but sound advice which you choose to ignore so I am no longer investing my time or energy into this.
Good luck, see you back here when this relationship fails.
Ok...I don't understand? I am going through the steps of recovery. I am getting the help I need. I love my bf and want to be with him and I don't understand what I am doing wrong. I AM working on myself. I AM getting help with doctors, psychologists, psychiatrists, therapy, and meds. I don't understand what else I could be doing in my capacity except locking myself away in in-patient, which I do not want to do. I cannot isolate myself from people, because the more alone I make myself, the more alone I am in my brain and thats when all of the bad thoughts come into play.
I don't know what I can do to make everyone happy. I don't know how. No matter what I do, someone somewhere is going to have an issue with it. So I give up.
You are co-dependent and ignore all red flags. Seriously, this man should join my XH in the color guard.
You need inpatient treatment. You need TIME to work on yourself. You need someone who isn't going to trigger your issues by screaming at you in the shower. There is a difference between isolating yourself from people and being alone (no relationship) to work on yourself. You can be alone emotionally without being alone physicially. The fact that this is not clear to youshows that you're not emotionally mature enough for a serious relationship.
Think about it--who chooses to marry someone who, just two weeks ago, was getting stitched up for cutting herself? Why is this man "rescuing" you from yourself so quickly? Something is amiss here...
That is the point-you are currently going through the steps, you are not there yet. Hence, you should NOT BE WITH SOMEONE! If you don't understand how getting engaged to someone when you are so vulnerable is a bad idea, then you have a VERY long road ahead of you.
The point is, during this time were you have cut yourself, posted self-depreciating tirades, and considered going inpatient you should be focused SOLELY ON YOU. Instead, you are using this relationship as a band-aid, like this man is going to fix you, No one can fix you. You need to fix yourself. Until you fix yourself, you are in no place to make decisions like this. However, you are going to and you are going to keep talking about what a nice guy he is for sticking it out and helping you and refuse to see that it is a red flag that this man wants to marry you when you are sooo low! He should want to marry you when you are happy being you, not putting yourself down.
I dated a nice guy once when I was incredibly vulnerable. He helped me soo much. My friends and family loved him. He did everything for me. Then, I recovered and didn't need him to do so much for me. You want to know how fast that "nice guy" turned into abusive a$$hole?
Point-get help, be comfortable with yourself, THEN date. IF this guy is a nice guy, he will wait. if he is a nice guy, he will still be a nice guy a year from now when you are in a better place.
I wasn't going to respond to this because I don't have anything different to add from the others. However, this really stuck out to me. Until you realize you have to become happy within, without always seeking others approval, you are not in a good emotional state. You have to learn to make yourself happy.
I'm very glad to hear you are seeking out the help you need to get better, and its good to hear that BF is being supportive of you in that journey. BUT this is not the time to get engaged. You need to be healthy first.
I agree 1000% with MCC. Please OP, but yourself first and get yourself healthy before you get serious with your BF. If he is truly the one, he will understand and wait for you.
Sometimes I wonder why you even bother posting. You'll seem to make some sort of step in the right direction, only to completely flip flop and regress a million times the next day. But I guess that is common with someone who has admitted that they need serious help and possibly inpatient treatment.
You should be in a relationship, let alone be contemplating getting married. Can we revisit the old saying about not wanting to be part of a club that would have you as a member? Seriously, the fact that you are going through SO much right now and your BF (who you SWEAR is supportive) wants to throw all caution to the wind and put a ring on it? Wow. Maybe he's the one person who needs more help than you do right now.
Just ditto to everything PPs have said. Also isn't this the BF who you told you needed some space from? Sounds like he's totally respecting that. Also a BF should not really be there to "help" you through this. You are much too sick for him to be helping. Supportive sure, but really this relationship is much too new for this to happen. Someone who would propose to another person with this many issues doesn't have good motives.
1. This is not a surprise. Knowing he bought a ring and that you'll have it soon and playing guessing game at the store means this is NOT A SURPRISE.
2. Getting engaged now is a terrible idea.
3. Trying to get a rational thought through your head is like trying to drop something into a bowl of jello. Ever try? It lands and jiggles around a little bit, but never penetrates. Ergo....
4. I quit you.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
Yup, me too.
Your inability to understand what a horrible decision this is, a supreme lack of self-awareness, and your willingness to repeat your past mistakes is why marriage is a no-no. But, you're gonna do what you want to do, regardless of the consequences. You and your BF have wrapped yourselves around each other and made each other out to be each other's saviors. You're gonna take on the world together and he's going to fix you and blah blah blah. It's so naive, it really is. Life isn't a Bon Jovi song.
I don't believe you when you say that you want to slow this down, that you want a long engagement. No you don't. Otherwise you wouldn't be on here "AWing" about an e-ring. You would have sat him down and had an adult conversation about the fact that your relationship is moving too fast and he should put off proposing for quite a while. You want to run off and get married so you can feel good about yourself. Be honest. Despite all evidence and advice to the contrary, you think the fairy-tale is going to come true. And, come on, let's face it, at best he's just as naive as you and at worst is preying on your condition. You have GOT to have a solid foundation to have a successful marriage, and you don't have even the beginnings of one.
Don't sit here and lie that "oh, I'm going to accept a pretty ring from my BF without it meaning anything" because it makes you sound like you're 12. Actually, the whole proposition just feels like two immature people playing house and expecting marriage to make everything all better.
Have you discussed any of this with your therapist(s)?
Oh, good, 4 weeks should be enough..............................
I'm done as well.
Oh come on guys, lighten up. I mean, She's seriously messed up in the head and not even divorced yet, but is all giddy about getting engaged again. How can this not be anything but great news?!?! (insert massive eyeroll here)
OP, you're a trainwreck.
I lied. I got bored and read your response now I have to point out each and every red flag that sticks out in it.
Good feedback, Achase. But, you're forgetting one important detail---the ring won't be sized for four weeks! She has time.
Another important detail: she doesn't give a sh!t what anyone says because we don't know her lyfe.
My Lunch Blog