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Well, there goes my job.
I CAN'T FUUUUCKING WALK AGAIN. I nearly collapsed at PetSmart yesterday and have been wheelchair bound since
Problem is, we figured out the real reason for this. Stress. Anxiety. High levels of stress apparently cause my subconscious to shut my body down. AWESOME. And, apparently, my anti-anxiety meds don't fix it. Also great.
So I'm wheelchair bound again, after A MONTH AT THE BEST JOB I'VE EVER HAD. Which, for absolutely no reason, was causing me intense anxiety (which is why I'm here). I struggle with horrible anxiety every time I have a job, to the point that I often have anxiety attacks before shifts a lot. My head doctors and I have talked about this at length but cannot seem to solve it through therapy or medication (my anti-anxiety meds/therapy work on the anxiety in any other part of my life). That's not to say we WON'T eventually be able to overcome it, but right now, when I work all weekend and 5 days next week and 4-5 days a week for the rest of the month, I can't really do anything but quit.
I'm so pissed off. I loved this job, and I also feel like a shiitty employee for once again having to quit with no notice. And there's nothing I can do about it.
I am considerably more upset about having to leave my job than I am about not being able to walk, but at the same time, if stress from this job (no matter how unfounded) is causing the inability to walk, I guess quitting is the only way to go.
/mope
Re: Well, there goes my job.
I'm so sorry. That sounds awful and must be so frustrating for you.
I wish I had something more helpful to say.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
I live in a second-story apartment and can't drive or get the wheelchair there. Hours don't work for DH to take me, and I can't afford any sort of transportation help. Otherwise, I probably could do that.
At the same time, that wouldn't really get rid of my job anxiety, so it would probably keep me chair-bound longer. And I end up getting anxious about being anxious, which just makes it worse.
This seems like it should qualify as a disability? Which should be able to get you assistance with transportation?
Will you have to be a shut-in until it goes away? That sounds ominous and unpleasant.
Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!
Thanks guys.
I know my boss will be understanding. There's an agreement when you get hired that after the first month, we sit down and talk and determine if things are working, and if either of us decides it isn't, I walk (roll) away with no bad blood. I just hate leaving with no notice, even with that clause in place, you know?
I think I've had to quit all of my jobs but two because of illness at this point. DH and my head doctors are talking about disability. I don't really want to go down that road, but at the same time, if I can't work at a job like this, how am I going to work something else? So there's a lot to think about that I don't really feel like I should think about right now. I set up a meeting to talk to my boss today and we'll see how things go.
In other news, Mac is thrilled to have the wheelchair (AKA his favorite bed ever) back in the living room.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
This is what I was thinking. I have a friend who is bi-polar and can't work as a result and qualifies for disability. I don't see how this would be any different.
I'm sorry. This sounds like an awful situation all around.
Missed M/C 11/5/2010 @ 5 weeks, 3 days* D&C 12/3/2010 at 9 weeks, 3 days
Not that it helps you get OUT of your apt, but...call your local public transportation peeps.
If you can get paperwork re: disability (and you SHOULD be able to, IMO), they often offer free services--this is what the Mr. does, he picks people up and drops them off in a wheelchair accessible little bus for a nominal fee.
Heck, even the able-bodied can do it, it just costs more and is a little less convienient.
How many different combos of meds have you tried? It may be time to try another. Along with therapy, of course. You have to find a way to get through this. You are too young to give up so easily.
Also, if you know that this could keep happening, why don't you look for a first floor apt when your lease is up? It could considerably increase your quality of life.
Yes, if it's just the wheelchair that makes it seem impossible to work in the future, they should make provisions for you.
I'm so sorry that this seems to be happening without a real solution... it just sucks. *hugs*
Have you gone to another doctor to get a second opinion?
I am sorry BV. The situation with Mac probably didn't help either stress-wise. I hope you feel better soon & there is some sort of regimen that your head docs can work out to manage this.
BV, my heart is aching for you. I truly hope you and your doctors can work together to find a resolution that works best for you. This is no way to have to live, and I'm truly sorry it's come to this for you more than one time.
HUGS
Thanks again, guys. And to answer some questions:
I am in therapy. The anxiety is tied into my bipolar disorder. It seems like the anxiety came from the job given that it started when I started working there and progressed quite rapidly, and was worst when I thought about going to my shift (although it was usually not horrible when I was actually AT work). My therapist and I went over it several times and couldn't get it smoothed out.
The physical doctors are out of ideas and said it was psychological. It hasn't actually been determined 100% that this comes from stress, but it seemed to come on last time due to some pretty serious work anxiety, so it doesn't seem to be a coincidence that it happened now. I've been to pretty much every specialist in the city and had pretty much every test done, and nobody can find any actual evidence of anything.
DH and I have talked about me going on disability for my bipolar disorder for a while, because it is difficult for me to work, but I really wanted to keep trying as much as I could before I went with that. I think it might be the road I go down now, though. I just know it's often a hard fight.
I won't be a shut in. I won't be able to go out OFTEN, maybe, but DH and I can get down the stairs and everything, and he carries the chair to the car. We are most likely moving to a place on the first floor when our lease is up in July given that this is the second time this has happened since we've lived here. But we have a pretty decent system for getting me out of the house.
I talked to my boss, and we decided that it would be best for me to resign for the time being, but that there is a place for me there when I get better if I still want it.
Luckily, I do know a good disability lawyer. It's just a matter of getting it going.
If your anxiety meds work except when you're having anxiety attacks, that means they don't work.
This is when you need to get angry instead of wringing your hands. You can't WALK or HOLD DOWN A JOB and your doctors are all shruggy and don't know what to do about it so oh well? AYFKM? Yeah, you need to take it one step at a time but something is obviously seriously wrong with you, psychosomatic or not. If your insurance covers inpatient care, I would check in tonight and DEMAND some f*cking attention from someone.
I cannot imagine being wishy-washy and resigned to it if every so often my legs just up and stopped working with no explanation.
Have you ever discussed somatoform disorders with your doctors? It sounds like you're being bounced back and forth between mental health professionals and medical professionals. I would look for a specialist, even outside of your area, that deals with psychosomatic/somatoform concerns.
Edit: This does not sound like any normal symptom of either bipolar or anxiety. I hope you get the help you need.
when you say "can't walk" do you mean that your legs do not support your weight/ do not move on their own? or do you mean that they are sore, or weak, or you're just stumbly?
I just can't see a doctor sending you home in a wheelchair and saying," huh, must be anxiety:::shrug::::"
this sounds like something that needs a new doctor to take a look at.
or to review your medications,
I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around stress over a part time job where you play games. But we also know that I'm dead inside and my heart is made of coal.
I think you're so sweet bval, but I imagine the type of reaction I would have to a non-reg if they came on the board and posted this (in conjunction with your history and your blog) and I hate that people are sometimes right about how we'll treat non-regs vs regs.
This has ruined my street (read: Nest) cred.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Yeah, I definitely held my tongue based on the fact that she seems to be a regular here and was getting support. BUT, something ain't adding up!
Also, OP, my dad REALLY can't walk, due to a progressive neurological condition, he manages to work. It's hard, he can't drive or get to the bathroom alone but we all help out. So, I am a bit bothered by your non-chalant, oh, my anxiety and stress has left me unable to walk and w/c bound, there goes my job!!.
You seem to like attention a bit. I'm, in no way, doubting your symptoms, but I'd be searching hi and lo for a doctor to help me. I'd start with a good psychiatrist.
This is what I was wondering as well. I can't wrap my head around that fact that stress and anxiety are causing you to be unable to walk. I just don't understand how that can happen. Especially if experts can't figure out what's going on. It sounds like there is no physical/neurological reason why you can't walk so what exactly is going on?
Are you sure this isn't a way for you to get attention? By you deciding you can't walk you have a way to get out of having a job? I'm not trying to be mean with my questions, I'm just trying to understand what's going on. Like I said, I don't understand how you just can't walk one day without some neurological problem.
<a href="http://s941.photobucket.com/albums/ad259/laurens1122-bfp/?action=view
...I dunno. I had something long and explanatory typed out here, but I just don't seem to care (also, it was mostly "you don't know me"). Some of what you guys have said is true. Some of it, I disagree with. Just know that this is taking a bit to sink in. It happened before, but now it's happening again. As of yesterday afternoon. I will call doctors and get poked and prodded and passed around (again) and maybe even get something out of it. I'll move up my appointment with my psychiatrist and talk to him about my anxiety spike. But I will also be self-pitying tonight, because, damnit, this sucks.
BTW, imoan, my job didn't involve me playing games.
I just sold them and ran tournaments and other retaily things. Which, I know, should not be that stressful.
BV, I'm sorry this is happening. Your story actually sounds a lot like my aunt's. She has horrible anxiety, and every so often her hands and feet suddenly, go numb. She had a TIA (mini-stroke) last year, and none of her doctor's can figure out why. All of her blood work, and spinal taps have come back normal, She's supposed to be getting a CAT scan, in the near future, to see if they can find anything, but who knows if it will turn up anything at all.
Anywho,
You're in my thoughts and prayers.