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Advice please
So I'm afraid this is going to sound really immature, because it probably is, but here it goes....My H and I have been together about 4 years, married almost 2, I'm 26 and he 28. I have a bit of a problem with the fact that he hangs out with his brother(older, not commited, bad influence in my opinion) about twice a week. Am I crazy or is this a lot? Its been subject of many a fight, i which I'm told that its not his fault that my friends have children and aren't available as much as his. I probably see my girlfriends about twice a month, maybe more, and I do things with my mom, who i consider a friend in most ways about once a week, and all this suits me just fine. I just can't believe we fight so intensely about something that seems so trivial, but i just want him home with me at night.
The issue really came to a head last night when he actually lied and tried to sneek out of the house last night and i caught him....
Am I crazy?
Re: Advice please
When they're together, they just waste time. Driving around aimlessly. I worry about him, out at night. It's hard to sleep when you don't know that ur H is home safe.
I guess it's a little irrational, mostly it bothers me when he springs it on me last minute, or when he doesn't take into consideration our plans for the week.
You sound kinda crazy. Him sneaking out = not cool. It sounds like you are limiting his time with his brother just because you don't have something to do. Take a yoga class, find a hobby, and let the man do his own thing occassionally. It will be good for both of you. Trying to come between him and his brother probably not go well, especially if the brother's only crime is not being settled down himself.
Team H.
This. What is he sneaking off to do? If it's to get a hooker - that's his flaw, if it's to watch a football game, it's your flaw. Twice a week doesn't sound like very often to me.
Again, what plans? Do you both enjoy playing pub trivia or taking tango lessons on Tuesdays and he blows it off to hang out with his brother, or do you just want him home so you can stare at a wall together?
Have you discussed a compromise where he hangs out with his brother until bedtime, maybe?
What is it about time with his brother that bothers you? Is it because they are actually doing things they shouldn't be? Is it because he is not spending that time with you? Is it because you are lonely?
I can't believe a grown man would sneak out of the house. It seems like there is a communication break-down here. How do you talk about it? Are you a yeller? Have you been able to talk about it without fighting? Does he get defensive immediately?
Sorry, that's a lot of questions!
In your 20s, no kids (mentioned) and your H has the audacity to hang out with his brother twice a week?
He feels he needs to sneak out of the house? You want him home at night to, what? Watch tv?
You are a little crazy.
Well you didn't say that. Honestly, this doesn't sound like it's about the brother at all. What is really going on?
I don't think its unreasonable of him to want to hang out with a friend or family member twice a week. DH and I normally spend about two nights a week apart for social things, work, whatever. Sometimes its nice to have that space b.c. our time together is still special, not boring, routine or something we take for granted. And I think its ok for him to do nothing; heck usually when I hang out with my friends we drink wine and talk. When DH hangs out with his they play video games, play music, watch football. NBD, sometimes you just need to do nothing!
How much notice is he giving you? Last minute would annoy me if we had plans or if it screwed up the fact that I had planned dinner (I hate wasting food), but morning of or day before would not bother me. If the issue is being last minute, maybe you can ask him to set aside two nights he will normally hang out with his brother and you can look forward to those nights to eat something he wouldn't want to eat, watch something he wouldn't want to watch or go out with your girlfriends.
Lastly, what exactly makes you think he is immature or annoys you that way? It sounds like hanging out with his brother is a symptom rather than the problem. DH has unmarried friends without stable jobs, they aren't a bad influence, he's a grown ass man who makes his own decisions. It's not like being single is a contagious disease, kwim?
Ummm... this is the first you've mentioned substances that you don't approve of.
That's a whole different issue. Did he start using drugs before or after you got married?
Yes, shamefully i am a yeller, and i know its wrong. Its not at first though, i confront him and he acts like when i get mad (him sneeking out) is irrational, i blow up.
He said he didnt tell me he was leaving because he knew id get mad, but i feel like the lying is far far worse. And for the most part i dont mind him going out, i go out too, i wish he would make better friends, better choices, i want better for him. I know its not him being unfaithful. but i feel like he prioritizes his brothers time more then ours somtimes.
They aaaaaallllllllways hang out late at night, and thats the part that bothers me the most.
Just looking for advice, not critacism, thats why im here, to get another point of veiw.
.....but we had just been intamate, so i kinda wanted him to stick around
Thank you for ur post...
Exatly like u said, no major plans, but sometimes im cooking dinner (not always an easy task) and that just pisses me off and that s not irrational. then he bases how he thinks i will react on that one time i got mad, cuz he blew off my dinner.
And unfortunately i love my husband, but i wish he would act more like a grown ass man
Well, I can see why that might bother you.
The truth is that getting married does not mean that you are suddenly chained to the house and he has every right to maintain close relationships with his friends and family. I suggest that you sort through your feelings on this- figure out why exactly it bothers you so much- and talk to the man. Choose a time like lunch tomorrow (i.e., not when he is on his way out the door to see BIL) to sit down and talk about it. Come to a compromise. You are going to have to give a little on this, and, though I feel like I don't know the whole story, he should give some too.
eta- Things you could compromise on are things like- advance notice so that you don't waste your time cooking, time he should be home or call to let you know he will be late so you don't stay up worrying, etc.
So does driving around = burn ride? Driving drunk?
I feel like there's more than you're spelling out. A grown man shouldn't be trying to sneak out of the house, but without the full story it's hard to tell who has the issue here. It could be both of you.
Before, and its nothing major, but i dont care for, i dont want it in my house.
he was also not completely upfront about the how often part, and this is what he mostly does with his brother. this is where the bad influence part comes from ( i know he is a grown up) but its always more when hes around, the brother is also a bit of a heavy drinker (dont get me wrong, i know how to have a good time) but im talking bug drinker, never knows when the partys over, hes the older brother and ive seen him bully h, i guess i dont understand the dynamic
Wait. so are you saying they drink and drive??
/dead,
Did you tell him that? It doesn't sound like you are communicating very well, if at all.
And i have talked to him about those things, and i usually already know when hes planning on it, i work early some days and i dont mind, its when he treats me like none of my feelings are warranted i get upset.
and im not some sort of homebody, i go otu, i have fun. i have plenty of things to ocupy my time. i just want him there when i go to sleep at night, is that raelly so bad? not to mention its on work nights. i just want to know when hell stop living like hes still in college and make some plans fo rthe future and grow up. Hes the one that wants kids, but he still acts like one, am i just supposed tio hope that this would stop if we did?