Trouble in Paradise
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Does anyone have any real TIP?
Okay, I'm over BVal and all that (after beating that poor horse relentlessly). The house is ridiculously clean, I've had my coffee, the baby is sleeping, and I don't have anything due at school or work for a full two weeks.
So what's entertaining in TB/TN/TK/your world?
Re: Does anyone have any real TIP?
I did have TIP. My marriage was a mess. We're getting divorced though, so not much TIP anymore.
I got the papers, so now I just have to serve him. We're selling our house, hopefully that process remains free of TIP.
My weekend was rather packed. Spent the night with a friend Friday night, saw a friend's musical group Saturday night, and spent Sunday with DS and some friends. All in all, a fantastic weekend so no troubles here
You got some really good advice in that thread. I have one question for you. Are you still planning on TTC this year? I hope you consider putting that on hold.
Huber, I saw that thread over the weekend, and as another introvert that hates last-minute surprises, I would be livid. Plus it seems like he just hasn't been treating you with much respect.
How are things going today?
Oh yes. I told him yesterday that I was not going to have another baby until we had time for the one we had.
I got great advice. You ladies have given me great advice a few times too.
I'm hoping that counseling will improve our communication, because we still seriously lack in that area. We both want to make this work, and right now we are both recognizing that we're in trouble.
Today is good. Yesterday was also okay. We went out for brunch and he did some small stupid things, but after we talked, he was on his best behavior. I made an effort to get up early today to get my introverted alone time, and that helped tremendously, even though all I did was pick up toys and fold laundry, but I had time to think and prepare myself for the day.
I had a REALLY great talk with my h last night about our early fall TIP...it wasn't a fight, just a discussion about how things were so excellent that it was hard to believe they'd ever been SO BAD, and I let out some of my fears of relapse into that bad place...
it felt great.
(to get out the fears- and that his response was essentially exactly what I needed to hear- not lofty or dismissive, but understanding, remorseful and proactive)
Im happily TIPfree. Im here for other people's drama. OPD, if you want. oh, and to talk about my new fave obsession, bv. a hore I just want to beat. (although it is becoming a dry corpse, the juices having mostly run out of it this weekend...)
Do you think you'll be able to work it out with someone who constantly neglects your feelings? I also read your post the other day and worry that you want him to be something he is not and hope he'll change, but I'm not sure how realistic that is for him.
Yes. We had TIP with my mom last night. She is sweet and well meaning ... and really overbearing. She's a hovercraft.
We went to their house for the Super Bowl, and the little dude was getting out of hand. Mr. Bang took him into the other room to calm him down, and I see my mom heading their way with a bag of toys, tell her she needs to give them a minute, and she shakes her head and makes a face like "it's my house, I do what I want" and barges in anyway. So she interrupted discipline with a sack full of toys, totally undermining Mr. Bang, and setting the little dude off on a rampage again. Mr. Bang had to tell her to back off and stop trying to parent his parenting. He was tense, I was tense, she was tense, and
I felt awful about all of it because I just want to moderate and mediate and she would not listen to me. She means well but doesn't understand when to back off. This has always been an issue with her (as in, my whole life, in many situations) and any time I try to talk to her about it, she gets really hurt and cries and nothing is accomplished. But I know my boyfriend and his son well enough to know when they're in the throes of "Mini Destructor is being disciplined" and she doesn't ... LISTEN to me!!
My mom's overbearing-ness has been problematic for me in prior relationships. I don't want her to deter Mr. Bang from wanting to be around my family. If she could just learn to slow her roll sometimes it would help.
I don't know. He has said that he wants to change. I compared our marriage to his parents yesterday, and that made a big impact on him I think.
My ILs are wonderful people, but MIL is in charge of the house/children and FIL does his own thing (which is work hard). For example, when we were buying our farm, FIL was going to lend us some money (he didn't, btw), but MIL came to the meeting just to watch DS, and had no idea what FIL was talking about, how much money was in question, nothing like that. And she didn't really care to know.
I told him that is not the kind of marriage I want. I want to be partners in everything, which we were for the most part, until DS was born. He says that is what he wants too, so he needs to start putting his money where his mouth is.
I'm having a hard time with a timeline though. I know that you've told me in the past that one more slip up and he's out the door. I know that I shouldn't be suprised when this happens over and over again. I'm good at excuses, and I just keep picturing my life if I left. I keep picturing DS's life. I've gone through a bad break-up before, and it sucked.
In response to the title question of your post, yes. ALL of that would bother me. You need to be able to have some time to yourself. Your H needs to spend time with your child without having to be fought with to do it. I hope that counseling will help you guys sort some of this out, because your post has me really concerned for you and irritated on your behalf. One of the replies on ML summed it up very well:
"It's as though your husband's life hasn't changed at all after getting married and becoming a father- he still does exactly what he wants/when he wants/how he wants. Not only that, he expects that he can have what he wants without any effort, because he has YOU to do the work."
... and that is not right!!
We're having baby sleep TIP. Joaquin is waking up 3x a night to nurse. I want to do some semi-Ferber stuff, because typically after she has a schedule shake-up she won't sleep, until she 'drops' a wakeup and then she's good to go. H is a light sleeper and thinks CIO is cruel or whatever, so he goes to get her like, instantly. So I'm like, dude when I can manage to wean her to a sippy FEEL FREE to hang out with her at all hours, but until then, f*ck yourself.
I know that this is true, especially because she'll be even WORSE if it's my hypothetical future biological kid. It's tough to take that hard-line stance with her, but we can't have repeats of last night happening. We need to set boundaries. My dad is awesome, and he and Mr. Bang have a great time and he's very chill about the little dude, it would really be disappointing to have to limit our relationship with them because my mom cannot back off. Ugh.
I'm going to say it.
Huber- you're H is a azzhole. Why did he bother having a child? You're a single parent. He will NEVER step up and parent your son.
I want to punch him in the nuts.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
This is what bothers me a lot. He wants to be a dad. He wants another kid. But I think its because I do all the work. I'm not up for that. I simply can't comprehend having two kids right now. I thank my lucky stars that DS is a pretty easy kid.
I remember that time you BEGGED him to give you half an hour to yourself. And it wasn't even like you were going to go to the bar or something... all you wanted to do was go grocery shopping without having to worry about DS. And he couldn't even manage THAT.
And yeah, I'd be TOTALLY on the baby train right now if it wasn't going to impact my life in any way, shape or form. And that's exactly what your H is like right now. He gets to be daddy when it's convenient/fun for him. Otherwise, it's all on you, baby.
I can't even imagine what kind of screaming I'd be doing at this point.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
If it were me, I'd be already be tacking a mile on to every run in anticipation but that is because I'm insecure and shallow.
I forgot about the grocery store thing. Honestly.
I guess this has to be it.
I'm having work TIP, but it's out of my hands. Apparently things went to hell on Friday (the day I took off). Senior leadership is NOT happy. It remains to be seen how far the shiit will roll downhill.
As far as blame, it mostly lies with what I posted last week - people who want to see us fail coupled with a client who is far outside her depth of knowledge. Either something really good is going to come from this (some much-needed change in project management) or something really bad (we all get asked to leave).
This hopefully won't end up as future TIP. My DS (junior in HS) may or may not be dating a freshman girl. He says they are just friends, but he took her to dinner and a movie (and paid for it) and then they came back to our house to play video games in his room (with the door open, but upstairs). I checked on them a couple of times. She seems like a nice girl, but you never know.
It makes me nervous that she's younger than him simply because if she gets upset with him she could cry rape or tell people they are doing something that they aren't doing and he could get into a lot of trouble simply because she's 15 and he's almost 17.
Oh yes, this too.
I've had some TIP off and on. DH made a comment that sounded like SI to me last year. He's been better since, but I see the stress starting to build and it's making me nervous. I've been upset because he never went to see a therapist and I did everything but force him into an office (found a list of male therapists specializing in depression, called re: availability, asked their theoretical orientations).
That said, he's finally admitted that he thinks it would be a good idea to go talk to someone and said that he wants me to check with him during the first half of the week to make sure he's followed through.
I'm kinda mad at myself for putting up with it. I know that I didn't want to walk away when he most needed help. I'm glad that he's finally realizing a few things (needs a new job, needs a therapist) and I think the future will be brighter because of this.
Huber, I'm sorry you're having such a tough time right now. You are going to have to lay down the law. I hope that counseling helps, but I fear that you two just have drastically different expectations about what marriage and family should be. I don't know what changes that. He is what he is. You are what you are. And you are not happy and haven't been for a long time. You are miserable and broken at this point. This can't go on. You need to do what you need to do to make yourself whole again.
I guess it goes without saying that all of those things would drive me nuts. If DH invited people over without checking with me first, I would be livid. I would be upset if DH told me that he was tired of me being a biitch or complained that the house wasn't clean enough or whatever. If I am so inadequate, then he can find himself another wife.
It sucks, Huber, really it does. I wish there was a way around it, but you are going to have to deal with this head on and it's not going to be fun. Good luck.
Huber, I'm so sorry about what you're going through. I would be absolutely livid if DH did any of those things. In the past he's made plans without me; after explaining how it felt and asking that he put himself in my position, he seemed to get it and now it's rarely a problem.
It sounds like he really doesn't understand that his role as a husband and father is to do more than provide. He needs to be an active partner and parent. Does he also not understand what it means to be an introvert?
I honestly don't know how you've put up with it this long without using one of imoan's patented techniques. Good luck in addressing this. I hope that something helps shift the situation to a healthier one for you.
My biggest TIP of the weekend is that I got three new shirts at Target. The same shirt, 3 different colors. I tried one of them on, fit great.
Got them all home, and they're all the same size. One is too big and my cleavage hangs out, and the other's too small and I can barely get it over my head. They're all the same shirt, same size and I don't get it!!! So now I get to go back to Target and do the exchange. I thought maybe I was stupid and grabbed three different sizes, but I didn't. I am greatly annoyed by this, as dumb as that sounds.
I did get a new pair of jeans that fit great though, so the shopping day was slightly redeemed.
I just re-read a bunch of my posts. I found one from when DS was two months old, one from when he was 15 months old and this one. I know that there are more. It is asinine to think that things will change.
But I'm scared as hell. I mean, I love this guy, but I don't like my life with him. We just bought a farm, which has been my dream. I've moved 100 miles to live with him. If I left him and stayed here, I would have no one.
If I moved back home, I would have my family, but frankly, I'm okay with them not being next door.
What about my cows? My dog?
My job? I've lived in a rural area for four years. I have next to no valuable job experience that would transfer to a bigger market.
This is a lot to digest.