Starting Over
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Is there anything you're nervous about telling new people?
Is there anything that you feel sort of nervous about telling people in the beginning because you think it might make them judge you in a different light?
Me, I'm afraid to tell guys that I was engaged twice before getting married. One was a stupid high school thing that wouldn't even have seemed real if not for the tiny diamond on my finger, as it never got any further than "Will you marry me?" "Yes!" no date or decisions, and we broke up a year later.
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Re: Is there anything you're nervous about telling new people?
I used to...
I was so afraid to tell my closest friends that I am going through my second divorce that I went into a panic attack that lasted 12 days after telling the first person. But I learned in therapy that I was so afraid because I received so much bad responses from the first one that I was subconsciously assuming the same would happen again. (The first divorce was a result of several forms of abuse in the marriage and I kept all of the abuse a secret and made sure my body was always covered out of fear until I couldn?t take it anymore. Others were extremely shocked at the news since I hid the abuse so well since I smiled all the time)
This 2nd divorce came as a shock to me and I didn't choose this. I had no way of knowing since my stbxh lied to himself (yes, himself) from the very beginning. My therapist told me to not allow my past to get in the way of today's choices and situations and concentrate on the evidence around me.
After telling my closest people with the intention of not assuming what they will say or do, I was pleasantly surprise that I received nothing but full support from so many.
The mind is a very powerful thing. I do think it is important to not self-judge and to not take anything personally while focusing on what is important and good for you.
I think the only thing I will be nervous to mention is that I have bipolar disorder. It is currently under control and I have a counselor I check in with regularly. But fors o long my feelings were not taken seriously because of the disorder, which made me stressed and the cycling even worse.
STBXH tried using my bipolar disorder as a reason for his affair. I pointed out that he knew I had bipolar disorder before we even started dating (we were friends for a few years first). I have never kept it a secret for that reason.
I'm honestly still just in the "nervous to tell anyone about the divorce" phase. Not like, friends and family, they've all been SUPER supportive and amazing (except my sister, who went a little crazy but I think came around in the end). But I still feel like I'm not ready to say to a man, "Hey. I married someone I never, ever should have. And now I'm divorced." I'm in that place where it feels like no one will ever want to date me because I'm already "used."
I know that's totally ridiculous, and it will take time and therapy to get over it, and that's what I'm giving myself. But right now...yeah. That's what I'm nervous about telling people.
Although I also love that I'm meeting new people (just friends, I mean) who know me as just me, without ever attaching me to STBX.
Really good post CE.
I am nervous to tell people how much weight I have lost. Everyone so far has made positive remarks and most say they cant imagine me being overweight, but cant help thinking that they might be thinking "If he let himself go once, he can do it again".
Also leary of telling people my ex cheated too early when getting to know someone....dont want to come across as jaded.
It does get better, but for me, that feeling is always still a little bit there when telling a new date. I haven't told the guy I am seeing now (its only been a couple of dates). I dont look forward to it. I mean I am 100% happy I got a divorce, but I am afraid they will look at me differently (Obviously if they do, then they are not the one for me, but it still sucks until I tell them, the now knowing how they will react)
All of this for me too. Especially since XBF was not positive about my current weiight and had "issues" with my body.
Congrats JM on the weight loss!
I don't know if I would say I am nervous about this, but I'm never sure the exact right moment to tell people about my son's special needs
That one of my parents is gay. They came out while XH and I were together and he helped me to process it, but I am fairly conservative socially and have dated/attracted and am attracted to a more conservative type of guy and I'm very self-conscience of how they will react as I still have a difficult time with it.
And yes, I do discuss this in therapy.
I think I hesitate to tell people about the divorce period, just because so many people get judgy and say "I don't believe in divorce," so in turn I feel compelled to tell them why... slippery slope.
Totally this. I'm fine wtih being divorced and have no problem telling people I know or don't know...but when it comes tot he dating thing? It's more like a "when do you tell them" kind of thing. The guys I've dated recently ? We haven't gotten to a point in the conversation where I felt I could bring it up, with the exception of one guy. Which obviously is a sign that it wasn't anything serious if by date #3 they don't know that much about me (not like we have to discuss it for hours, but you know, it's nice to bring up the "so, when was your last relationship" kind of thing if you are interested in a relationship with that person.
Sure there are. I mainly get nervous about telling someone about my relationship with XH and how horrible it was. It generally doesn't come up right away, but it's an inevitable conversation, eventually, because of the circumstances with DS (meaning that XH has limited visitation and used to only have supervised visits).
I worry that someone would think I somehow was involved in drugs or had an unsavory past because I was married to someone who went down this path. But I also know that someone who really cares for me will listen to what went on with love, compassion, and understanding and know that I'm not that way.
This was my 2nd divorce as well and I know that without knowing the whole story it sounds really horrible. I married very young (19) and it obviously didn't work since i had no idea about anything that young. This time around I thought I had made a good choice, but he cheated.
I also have 2 kids from 3 dads...lol, yeah, math is off on that one! My DS's biodad was MIA from birth on and my XH adopted him so I worry people will be judgy about that situation as well.
Funny thing is, on paper I know I look like a bit of a trainwreck, but I swear I have my sh!t together.
This.
Also that I have lupus. I hate being treated with kid gloves. I'm a normal human!
It's interesting to me that some of you are afraid to tell new dates that you are divorced. I can see where you'd be worried about a negative reaction and that they will look at you as being "used". Plenty of people still have that perception of divorce. I actually once heard a guy (friend of someone I was dating) refer to divorced people as "retreads". The guy I was dating pretty much had to hold me back on that one.
Anywho, for the most part, with guys I've dated, when I tell them I'm divorced, they get all, "oh! Now it makes sense! I was trying to figure out how you managed to stay single this long. That makes more sense now." So I say tell them - you may just be pleasantly surprised.
Ha, when I found out my mom had been married before, I looked at my dad and said "you got a used woman?" They still howl with laughter over it. To be fair, I was young and somehow equated marriage with buying a car.
I've never really had a bad experience when telling a man that I'm divorced. It's still nerve-wracking though because there is such a stigma attached to it, especially when you're relatively young. I spent a lot of time agonizing about it in therapy. My therapist basically told me to chill out and let myself be pleasantly surprised. It was good advice. :-)
I meant to quote this post in my response above this
lol No, I'm participating in the board more now, and interested in asking you all questions. I like polls. Not every question I ask pertains to something near and dear to my heart. I just find a lot of things interesting regarding dating and moving on.
And, yeah, we know each other is divorced. Not sure why you got the impression that we didn't?
I am always nervous to tell people about why I am divorced. It is a lot to take in and an uncomfortable conversation to have sometimes.
I've heard this reaction, too. And, in some ways, it relieved them. A couple of people were honestly wondering what in the world I could be hiding that would have kept me single. So ditto kaneen. Andplusalso, if the person you're seeing actually does view people who've been divorced in such a negative light, do you really want to be with them?
Personally, I'm still really nervous about telling people I'm STILL not divorced (!!!). The STBXH, big important lawyer man that he is, has STILL not filed the last piece of paperwork he needs to file in NY for this to get a calendar date and get a judge to sign off on it. It was a mutual decision, and we've both signed everything we need to, he just forgot to file a notice of issue, and I CAN'T do it (because he's the plaintiff), so I'm stuck waiting around for him to make time to go down to the courthouse. So...I've kinda been glossing over it and just putting myself in the divorced category.
"You don't get to be all puke-face about your kid shooting your undead baby daddy when all you had to do was KEEP HIM IN THE FLUCKING HOUSE, LORI!" - doctorwho
Did you not counter file for divorce? I know in NJ that usually one spouse files and the other cross claims for divorce so that issues like this don't occur. Hmm...XH didn't cross claim me though--he only filed an appearance because he was that big of a DB. Thankfully it didn't delay the process though.
I could have wrote this exactly. My situation is similar.