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In-Law Issues HELP!
Ok so here's the story:
Background: While planning my husband's and I's wedding we had a very large disagreement with his parents. His parents are Catholic and we are Baptist (which his mother resents that 'I' changed her son to be Baptist and thinks it?s a cult ?.whole other story in that). And we decided we would not be having alcohol at our wedding. The reception was at a restaurant where there was a bar outside of the hall so we were fine with people getting their own but we did not want to supply it. Both his family and mine has had problems with alcoholism so we wanted to make a stand as both he and I do not drink. However my MIL was very upset and tried her best to create any way possible to have drinks at our wedding. She even rushed my wedding shower as there was no alcohol and she had to get home to drink (literally what she told my guests!)
One week before my wedding there was a huge fight between us (DH and I) and my MIL who also brought her sister to fight with us about the wedding not having alcohol. She literally screamed in our faces that we should just elope. The next day I was besides myself not wanted to fight anymore both my DH and I agreed to just let her have the alcohol but she had to pay. (she has already went behind my back and called the venue where we were having it to say we were stupid for not having it) she sent me an apology EMAIL never said anything in person about how she acted towards me or my DH acted like nothing had happened. (My DH had been sticking up for me the entire time) she was just happy she got her beer. During the fight her sister (AIL) said some very rude things about me and my family which was never apologized for either.
Now: the wedding went fine and i had the time of my life. But it seems to me my view of my MIL has changed I can't stand to be around her as i feel like she talks about our religious views behind our backs (I have heard her at parties saying things) and it just feels so fake. I respect other's religions and have never insulted hers. Our relationship before any of this happened was great! She always would refer to me as her daughter and how wonderful i was for her son.
Also they have only visited us 2 times since we have gotten married (been married 3 months) as we don't have alcohol in our home and the one time they came over they brought it in cups and a cooler of beer. (they were only there for 3 hours but had to have their alcohol) we live 10 minutes from each other. They get upset if we don't see them once a week but we always have to come to them.
Future: i know I need to get over it but I still feel hurt that no one ever realized or the pain or what they did was rude towards me and DH or even truely personally apologized. And I and i feel horrible for my DH as it is like his family has turned on him. I'm worried about what will happen when we have children. I want to have a good relationship with my MIL and ILs but i don't know if that could ever happen now?
Any advice on what to do? Or has anyone had the same issue?
ok so some people say I'm leaving some of the story out so maybe jst to clear things up: 1. I do know my stand on alcohol this is not anything to do with religion (as baptists are allowed to drink) it is due to the fact I have had issues in the past with controlling how much I drink and act. I don't want to supply alcohol for others they need to make their own decisions which they are fine to make I don't have any bad blood towards people that can drink responsibly.
Also based on number (2) to help my H as he didn't like it
2. My husband stands with me on this issue actually i used to drink until i met him. His family has had a lot of issues with alcohol. Meaning my MIL, FIL all my ILs. It has caused him great pain to see his father drunk and fighting with his mom (my ILs) and it goes even deeper issues with abuse (not to be mentioned here) so that was the real decision has to not have alcohol in our home he didn't want it like that.
3. Before the wedding I had only seen my ILs get drunk and wasted and fighting so I didn't want that at our wedding especially fighting so that is another reason. But because it meant so much to them i let them. Thankfully they held it under control as I told them I would have people removed.
4. My DH did talk to his parents about our views his father understood but his mom (MIL) didn't respect our views or feelings. They actually called and said they were going to bring the beer over to our house and we didn't know what to do as we don't want to fight
I hope that clears some of it up. But my honest question is just how can I move past this issue and enjoy my ILs? Is it better just to visit them? (no arguing about drinking that way as they have it there) Do you think we maybe visit to much? I definitely don't want to argue about what people are going to be drinking the rest of my life. LOL
Re: In-Law Issues HELP!
I'm worried about what will happen when we have children. I want to have a good relationship with my MIL and ILs but i don't know if that could ever happen now?
All I'm going to say.... start accepting your IL's for who they are, not who you want them to be. A baby will NOT change them, nor will it magically change your relationship with them.
I get the desire that many of us have to have this "Norman Rockwell" family where we all get along, the grandparents are super involved in our kids lives, and we all go skipping off into the sunset.
But the reality is that people are people and we're all flawed in some way or another, and to varying degrees. Your IL's are not going to be the grandparents you want them to be - start accepting that now. You're going to have to frame your expectations around that.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Ditto ECB 100%. I think you are too invested in what your MIL thinks and does. If you just learn to accept her for her differences and not explain yourself or "prove" your point or make a stand, than I think you'd be fine.
I also want to say that just because they are a different religion, like to drink alcohol or do something different from what you all do, doesn't make it wrong.
All of this. Especially the bolded.
Just to clarify, I am not saying drinking is wrong at all. It's something I struggled with and decided not to do.
I don't want to change my In-Laws at all! I love them! I just feel as if this agrument drove something between us. I don't know whether or not just to push past it and ignore it and put it in the past. I feel like that's what I should you.
Only thing I was worried about with having kids is I don't want alcohol at their parties either so didn't know if that would be more arguements there as well. but we definitely are not planning to have children for quite some time - enjoying just being newlyweds
As such, this will absolutely continue to rear it's ugly head! You've even said it - you aren't going to want alcohol at your kids parties, but as your IL's travel w/ beer in hand... they probably will bring it.
Could you move past the wedding issue? Sure, I'm sure you could. But the fundamental cause of that arguement hasn't gone away!! So even if you can "forgive" that episode, variations of that episode are going to continue to pop up.
And I'll be honest- your proclomations of "I love them!" kind of comes across like you're trying to convince yourself of that more so than you really feel that. Your OP shows a LOT of anger towards them (not that I blame you!!), and issues that you're having trouble moving past.
Quite honestly - I don't feel you have to love them. You love and married your DH. You're kind of stuck w/ your IL's. Yes, you want to get along w/ them, and it's better in the long run if you like them. But if you don't really truly "love" them - that's o.k.!!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You want them to regulate alcohol at their own parties? Sure I can see if you all have parties and do not want alcohol there and I think are well within your means to enforce that. I don't think it's appropriate to tell them what they can/can't do with themselves - especially at their own parties.
I really get the sense here that you are trying to (or worried about) control their behavior and I don't understand it. Is MIL an alcoholic or does she enjoy having a drink? You won't ever be able to control or dictate what these people do. They are grown adults who can make choices/decisions for themselves.
Now you having a party in your house - you get to control that. If they bring alcohol and you disapprove - all you have to say is, "Please get rid of that alcohol or leave my party." End of discussion.
I agree that them drinking isn't wrong in itself, but it is disrespectful of them to bring alcohol to OP's house when they know that its against their beliefs. And making a huge deal out of no alcohol at the wedding is rude. Its one thing to gripe about a cash bar, but when people are excluding alcohol for religious reasons, it's disrespectful. Seriously, can these people not go a few hours without a drink? They have a serious problem.
Other than that I agree with the advice given. You need to respect them even if they are disrespecting you.
If by struggling with means there was a problem, I can see how MIL wanting alcohol at all of your functions and/or home would bother you. My husband is in recovery and even though I dont drink our parents/ILs would not bring alcohol into our home nor would they push us to have it at our wedding(although like you we had it available if guests wanted it). So there is a fine line there between her just being an obnoxious MIL who drinks (an awful lot, yikes) and one who isnt respecting your boundaries
Yeah i guess that is true i have to 'like' them and respect them. which I am trying to do
And actually I am fine with going to parties and there being alcohol like 'doglove'' said they are adults and can make their own decisions. That doesn't bother me. It's just I don't like to supply people with the alcohol or have it in my home as I have had issues with it in my past that I am still recovering from.
That was the one thing I didn't want to happen though was for them to seem like i am condoning what they do because I am not -- but it seems like many of you feel like I am sounding like that. Is there a way I could approach this topic without sounding stuck up or not approving of their lifestyle? Because this is just a decision I had to make as I was unable to control myself whereas others can. I tried explaining this to them but still it didn't seem to change their attitude.
Yeah i guess that is true i have to 'like' them and respect them. which I am trying to do
And actually I am fine with going to parties and there being alcohol like 'doglove'' said they are adults and can make their own decisions. That doesn't bother me. It's just I don't like to supply people with the alcohol or have it in my home as I have had issues with it in my past that I am still recovering from.
That was the one thing I didn't want to happen though was for them to seem like i am condoning what they do because I am not -- but it seems like many of you feel like I am sounding like that. Is there a way I could approach this topic without sounding stuck up or not approving of their lifestyle? Because this is just a decision I had to make as I was unable to control myself whereas others can. I
triedYeah i guess that is true i have to 'like' them and respect them. which I am trying to do
And actually I am fine with going to parties and there being alcohol like 'doglove'' said they are adults and can make their own decisions. That doesn't bother me. It's just I don't like to supply people with the alcohol or have it in my home as I have had issues with it in my past that I am still recovering from.
That was the one thing I didn't want to happen though was for them to seem like i am condoning what they do because I am not -- but it seems like many of you feel like I am sounding like that. Is there a way I could approach this topic without sounding stuck up or not approving of their lifestyle? Because this is just a decision I had to make as I was unable to control myself whereas others can. I
tried explaining"And we decided we would not be having alcohol at our wedding. The reception was at a restaurant where there was a bar outside of the hall so we were fine with people getting their own but we did not want to supply it. Both his family and mine has had problems with alcoholism so we wanted to make a stand as both he and I do not drink. "
to me this just sounds like an excuse to not have to pay for it. you were perfectly fine with people with alcoholism buying their drinks at your reception. really. what's the difference? I dont understand the 'make a stand' portion. make a stand against what? you held your reception where liquor was readily available and you were fine iwth anyone getting a drink-if they paid for it. that just seems hypocritical to me. if you were so against the alcohol at your reception you should've held it somewhere where no alcohol was available. perhaps this was her issue. she didn't want people to have to pay for their drinks. i dont blame her. i hate cash bars. the receptioon is for the guests, not the B&G.
also she apologized by email. accept it and let it go. she doesnt need to apologize again.
you seem to have a HUGE hang up over what MIL does. why does it bother you so much? you have to always go and visit them? no. you dont HAVE to go if you dont want to. if you cant accept that they liket o have a glass of wine iwth dinner when you invite them over (because YOU dont like to drink) then i suggest meeting at a restaurant instead.. part of me thinks that when you invite someone over you should host them as nicely and as comfortably as possible. they know you dont drink. they brought their own. what's the issue? unless DH calls them and says 'dont bring any alcohol' how would they know you have such a HUGE issue with it and dont want them to bring it over? frankly you sound like you have a real problem with this and look to nit pick......you kind of need to get over it. they wont change. they're not the same as you. eithe accept how they are and get over it or continue on the path you're on.
as for the kids. if the party is in your home and you're hosting it great-you can ask people not to bring any drinks. if the party's elswhere though you have to accept how others are. simple as that.
Actually money had nothing to do with supplying the alcohol. My parents were paying for everything and they are very well off. This was a decision that my husband and i wanted. If people would leave my reception and end up in a car accident because of alcohol I supplied I would feel horrible. I know I shouldn't feel this way as people are adults but still. It has happened to me in past and I can barely forgive myself and didn't want to go through it again
I would have had my wedding somewhere there wasn't even a bar but in the beginning my in-laws said there better be a place where people can get drinks. I don't understand that if its my wedding why can't people just enjoy themselves for 4 hours without drinking?
And like stated before it doesn't bother me if people drink in front of me or if we go to their house and its at party I don't mind at all! It's just me supplying it to people.
However, at the same time, you then say you don't mind people drinking in front of you, but you don't want to supply it. Well... then, why does it matter if they bring it? You aren't supplying it.
I think you need to get a better grasp on what your issue is and what is and isn't o.k. You can't say "I don't want to supply it" is the issue then turn around and say "Oh, what I really mean is that you can't have it in my house at all" if they bring it. Why can't they bring it if you're supposedly o.k. w/ people drinking in front of you?
I actually wonder (as you say there is alcoholism on both sides) if going to Al-anon might be a good idea for you.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Obviously something has happened in your past which is making you tremendously sensitive to the alcohol issue. I understand that. But "making a stand" about it at your wedding by having guests pay for it and already worrying about alcohol possibly being around your unborn children is overkill, IMO. Perhaps with time you will be able to let go and allow people to responsibly enjoy alcohol and figure out a way to deal with you ILs with compromise.
Perhaps they just wanted to have a beer to relax while they conversed with you guys for 3 hours, knew you didn't have drinks to offer them, so they brought their own. If you do have a problem with it even being in your home, you should have asked them to leave it at the door... but it sort of seems like you are judging them. Some people just enjoy a drink when they aren't working or when they are celebrating an occaision (wedding).
If I could go back in time and talk to myself 2-3 years ago, this is exactly what I would tell my past self. OP, I've been there. I've taken things my ILs do differently personally. They've taken things I do personally (from what I gather). If you truly want a good relationship with your in-laws, accept them for who they are. Drinking is your hang-up - do they try to force you to drink or belittle your personal decision not to drink? You can't force them not to drink any more than they can force you to do so. Once I figured out that my ILs actually were respectful in the sense that they did not force my own hang-ups and discomforts on me, I've been able to move past it and we have a tremendous relationship now.
While I understood my friends POV, I actually felt she was very much in the wrong to force it upon her IL's - which is exactly what she did. Forced it, forced them to comply. I'm sure her MIL felt a lack of respect from her because of it, and I'm sure it's had some impact on their overall relationship.
With your situation, there is the "in your home" compontent, and your IL's do need to respect "your home/ your rules), but I still think you need to figure out what exactly is your issue w/ alcohol and why you have the rules you have.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If there is someone in recovery in that household, I get why there are big issues with alcohol.
I know she says there is alcoholism "on both sides" of their family, but that's a very general statement. She doesn't tell us WHO that is.
I just feel that either she isn't telling us the whole story, or she hasn't identified for herself what her REAL issues are. If I can't clearly understand what her real issues are, then I wonder how she's coming across to her IL's on this. She wants them to respect her, which I don't blame her, but if she can't clearly identify what is/isn't o.k., what is/isn't her real issue - it's going to be hard for them understand and in turn, respect her view.
And again, this also begs the question of where her DH is on this too. What is his view, and is his view and hers actually the same thing?
I'm allowing, too, that her IL's might also just be selfish a-holes who aren't going to respect her no matter what!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Totally agree theres something we arent being told here.
Stop seeing them once a week for starters. If you always have to come to them maybe it is because they don't like toting their booze down the road. In their house they make the rules, but in your home you are free to tell them not to bring it. Your DH isn't really sticking up for you unless he is so sick of you harping on the subject. I have to agree it is annoying that someone cannot go an evening without a drink. Get your DH on board or don't bring children in to the mix then you won't have to worry about their drinking.
btw when someone is insulting you or your family there is no rule you have to stand there and take it. The AIL is not going to ever apologize as she sees it as her sticking up for her sister. You will grow bitter waiting for that apology. Let it go.
I think you need to make a big stand and soon.
I think it's a mistake to label "no alcohol" as being anything associated with religion. Maybe that's not what you intended, but if your ILs are taking it to mean that alcohol is against your religion, that may be why they're not respecting your views. Instead, I think the best approach is to say that you've struggled with alcohol in the past, it's something you don't want in your house and in your life, end of discussion. If they show up at your house with alcohol, make them dump it in the front yard or go home. I can't possibly fathom how people cannot come over for a simple visit without bringing beer, or even attend a simple bridal shower or other event without alcohol. (Now, I do think a wedding without alcohol is a bit of a bummer, but that decision is 100% the person paying for it).
I think your DH needs to have a talk with them and lay out the future expectations. No alcohol at your house at all. You will not supply it and you will not tolerate in the house. They can respect that or not bother coming over if they'd rather have beer than a relationship with their own son. Again, I don't think it should be a "we don't believe in alcohol" conversation, because then it just sounds too judgment of their religion.
ok so some people say I'm leaving some of the story out so maybe jst to clear things up:
1. I do know my stand on alcohol this is not anything to do with religion (as baptists are allowed to drink) it is due to the fact I have had issues in the past with controlling how much I drink and act. I don't want to supply alcohol for others they need to make their own decisions which they are fine to make I don't have any bad blood towards people that can drink responsibly.
Also based on number (2) to help my H as he didn't like it
2. My husband stands with me on this issue actually i used to drink until i met him. His family has had a lot of issues with alcohol. Meaning my MIL, FIL all my ILs. It has caused him great pain to see his father drunk and fighting with his mom (my ILs) and it goes even deeper issues with abuse (not to be mentioned here) so that was the real decision has to not have alcohol in our home he didn't want it like that.
3. Before the wedding I had only seen my ILs get drunk and wasted and fighting so I didn't want that at our wedding especially fighting so that is another reason. But because it meant so much to them i let them. Thankfully they held it under control as I told them I would have people removed.
4. My DH did talk to his parents about our views his father understood but his mom (MIL) didn't respect our views or feelings. They actually called and said they were going to bring the beer over to our house and we didn't know what to do as we don't want to fight
I hope that clears some of it up. But my honest question is just how can I move past this issue and enjoy my ILs? Is it better just to visit them? (no arguing about drinking that way as they have it there) Do you think we maybe visit to much? I definitely don't want to argue about what people are going to be drinking the rest of my life. LOL
I don't know. If alcohol is against the OPs religious beliefs, then it is against her religious beliefs. It is what it is and her ILs need to be respectful of that. It would be kinda like going to someone who keeps a kosher home and getting mad they won't serve you a bacon cheeseburger, or bringing bacon cheeseburgers to their home. Or it would be like going to the wedding of someone who didn't eat meat for ethical reasons and getting mad they wouldn't serve you beef or chicken . That is just plain disrespectful.
I drink, however, I don't think there has to be alcohol at a wedding (I like it a lot better if there is).
I don't get why there is alcohol at kids parties, even christenings...again, I drink, I enjoy it...but it doesn't have to be there
to some degree drinking is cultural so if your inlaws grew up with alcohol being a part of celebrations, it's culture shock for it not to be there...take this as an example...if you grew up always having fine china at holiday celebrations...it would be weird for you to eat Thanksgiving on disposable plates...it might actually bother you...but is it any less Thanksgiving with out fine china...or wine...no, just different.
Going forward, let go of the wedding thing. You have to. People did various awful things around my wedding and I realize I just have to let it go. Let it go.
Don't make alcohol such a "thing", try to treat like any other neutral topic. Don't serve it at your parties...but if they bring it, let it go. If they leave, throw it in the trash (don't even send it home with them, just put in the trash unopened). If they ask about it later, simply tell them you threw everything from the party away. If they push, suggest they take it home with them for now on. At their parties, just look the other way.
Here's a rough example of what I'm talking about. I HATE mayonaise. For some reason this really bothers some people, especially my inlaws (who I get along with and this is minor in the scheme of things). They, for a while, were always questioning about it "you eat ranch dressing, but you don't eat mayonaise, you know mayonaise is in ranch dressing...what about crabcakes, that has mayonaise in it". Then my shower: MIL "would you like chicken salad sandwiches" ME"well, I don't eat mayonaise so I wouldn't like that" MIL"well that's what people eat at showers". My response was "that's fine, if there is something else there I'll eat that". They even at times have tried to trick me into eating it by having me try a dip, say I like it, then say "ha, it has mayonaise". I literally had to just stop talking about how I don't like it to get them to stop. I literally just don't talk about it anymore. When the topic comes up, I just generally deflect it and I've taken the power out of it, I don't let the topic or mayo itself bother me, I made it neutral and now it's nothing they can "attack" me with (not that I felt attacked, more bothered)
I get that alcohol isn't mayonaise, it is much bigger, can be lethal and dangerous. But I'm just giving the example of how the less up in arms you are, the more they may settle down.
I don't know that you'll ever really be able to "enjoy" your IL's if they have problems w/ alcohol (i.e. controlling their drinking) and you don't enjoy alcohol anymore.
If they refuse to NOT bring alcohol to your home, then your options are to either fight them on this, or not invite them over and yes, accept you're going to have to go to their house.
But this isn't a long-term solution. When you do have a child, I assume you'll have b-day parties at your house, right? Well... if you want to invite the IL's AND you don't want alcohol in your home, then you and DH are going to have to accept that you're going to have to "fight" them at some point on this issue.
LIke I said back at the start- this is who they are. You have to deal w/ the reality of that and make decisions based on this.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Ditto this. If they can't come to your house for an evening without having a drink, either they have a substance abuse problem, or they are just trying to get in your face that they don't have to respect your religion.
You also need a firmer stance on your own opposition to alcohol. Saying "I don't approve of drinking b/c someone might drive home drunk after having alcohol at my home" is so passive is forcing your own hangups on other people (there are plenty of people who drink responsibly). However, I can fully appreciate that people don't allow alcohol in their home b/c - it's against their religion, they don't approve, they have substance abuse problems and don't want exposure. It is perfectly OK to say "we don't drink in this house."
Here is where I am stuck. Why do you want them to come over to your house if they always bring booze with them? You don't like it and you are clearly against them doing it but they always do and it bugs you so don't have them over problem solved. If they can't respect not drinking in your home no matter the reasons you don't drink then don't have them over until they can respect you and their son. End of story. I also agree with other posters who have said stop seeing them every week thats totally unnecessary.
Second are you pregnant? If not then you are thinking a little too far ahead of yourself. You need to figure out how to live with these people in your life as a couple first then you can fit in the kids part. If you are pregnant then clearly you are just going to have to sit down and talk to your husband about how to deal with the future situations but even if you are pregnant you have plenty of time before any parties will be happening so calm down. When you do have parties down the road for kids however there are places you can have them where drinking isn't aloud, like kids play areas, have parties at these places then grandparents can decided if they want to come or not.