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s/o Valentine's Day stuff
Ok can someone please explain to me the importance of Valentine's Day that would cause someone to cry in a bathroom for 45 minutes? I do not get that at all. The last time I cried on VD was when my brother got more candy than me. Cause you know, I was five.
I figure if your SO is a good SO to you, you enjoy each other and have a good relationship every other day of the year, what difference does it make if he/she does something extravagant on a specific day? Honestly, If my H decided on, say, June 26th to make a special dinner or buy me a card because he felt like it, I would think that was more special than getting an obligatory one on Valentine's Day. I know my H loves me, I don't need an overpriced dinner for him to prove it to me.
My H did bring me flowers on VD this year, but it was out of the ordinary and more likely due to our rough couple weeks of bad news and heartbreak. If he hadn't, I certainly wouldn't have moped or cried about it.
Or maybe I'm just dead inside and I'm an evil Valentine's Day non-supporter that doesn't get it. Also, I did not get any on VD. The two of us covered in child vomit didn't really scream "Hey baby, let's go do it!" Heh.
Re: s/o Valentine's Day stuff
I don't particularly care for valentines day either.
I did have a BF once who made this HUGE deal out of valentines day. He sent me so much crap, but he was a complete d-bag the rest of the time. Somehow when I was 18 years old, I believed that when he bought me all that stuff it made all the crappy things about him disappear.
Well at least until I wised up a few years later and got rid of him.
I think what that poster is looking for in a relationship and what she has are two completely different things. Hopefully this whole valentines day fiasco has brought that to light before she marries this guy.
I guess for DH and I its because we don't take a lot of time for ourselves. We didn't do a big VD, but we did something. Our birthdays and anniversary are all in two weeks in June, which is our busiest time of year, so we don't get to celebrate all of them. The last time we went out together with no kid was probably October.
Now, did I stay up until 3 am baking brownies? No. But I might have. I can completely see where she is coming from. And I probably would have cried for 45 minutes if I realized I was marrying and lying jackhole.
Even my verbally abusive ex who told me I was too fat to *** (at a size 10) and made fun of the super special VD dinner that I slaved over (but, you know, behind my back to his frat brothers) threw shiit together for VD.
The point is, it was important to her. Maybe July 17th is important to her. Its not so much that it is VD as the fact that it was something that mattered to her. And he lied about it. Run away dear, run away.
I don't think that post had a lot to do with VD. It's the battle she chose because the opportunity was there. She's trying to get a reaction out of him by any means necessary. She'd prefer a positive one (VD celebration) but will take a negative one too (apology instigated by melodrama). A reaction shows he cares. The fact that she feels the need to test this means she knows on a gut level that he really doesn't.
I'm not big on VD either. BF and I celebrated because it's our first, but we don't plan on making it a habit. A card and a homemade meal will suffice.
Of course you celebrate the anniversary of the day a man was beheaded nearly 1800 years ago by showing your loved one that they are worth one day's effort.
I don't get it honestly. DH and I were engaged on Valentine's Day. He told me later that he already had the ring and it was either give me the ring or go buy me something else, so i got the ring. He did send me flowers this year but the card clearly said "This is because I love you. This is not for V-Day." He said it was because we were engaged ten years ago.
The way I see it, my husband shows me in so many other ways that he loves me. I don't need him to do something because I told him he has to just so I can impress my friends.
I don't get why Valentine's is automatically scoffable. You know if imoan's H aggressively 'forgot' Halloween there would be a freaking reckoning.
We don't usually do it up on Valentine's Day. We generally exchange cards. Maybe we'll put a little extra effort into dinner. It's not uncommon for DH to come home with flowers on Valentine's Day. I realize that he buys them because they are in his face on the way home and he probably feels some sort of pressure, but they still make me smile. We usually avoid dinner because we don't like making reservations and we go out often enough that going out is not a huge deal.
This year, he took me out to a special place and it was fantastic. Part of what made it so special was because it was unexpected. In my mind, it all has to do with expectations. We've set the bar pretty low for Valentine's Day, but if the man did not make an effort for my birthday, I would be angry and upset and disappointed and all the rest. I might even have some tears in there, but you would not notice them because I would be reading DH the riot act and that would distract you.
I don't blame the girl for being upset. My problem is more the passive aggressive way she chose to express herself to him because that will solve exactly nothing.
I can understand that the OP felt that Valentine's was important. However if it was important to me, I think I could use my big girl words and not lock myself in the bathroom to sob for 45 minutes. It's also childish to give the cold shoulder and refuse to tell your SO that you love them. The OP was so over dramatic about everything that it made me think that if he had gotten her carnations, she would have wanted roses. If he made her a card, she would have wanted candy too. If he had planned a night on the town she would have complained about the restaurant.
I don't necessarily scoff at the concept of Valentine's Day. I scoff more at the fact that there are women (and men, I suppose) who go off the deep end if their expectations aren't met. I do get that the OP in that other post (and it wasn't necessarily just her-I was also thinking about other posts and FB wor is me stuff too) had explained that it was an important thing for her and her FI blew it. But the locking oneself in a bathroom to cry about it and play passive aggressive games like a kid in junior high over it seems so ridiculous to me.
But I am dead inside and a VD hater. LOL, not really a hater I guess, just not a big celebrator of it.
I don't get that either. Some years I get something, some years I get just a card. Neither of us make a big deal out of it. If I get something I thank him and give him a kiss and an I love you. If I don't I still give him a kiss and an I love you...you know, everyday stuff.
That post was so dramatic.
OMG, I was quoting this post to reply to it and didn't even SEE the last sentence until just now.
I'm this-ing broc's comment. And just because you're all too cool for Valentine's Day (and this is coming from someone who doesn't celebrate Valentine's Day), I have a feeling that if your H didn't get you a damned thing for Christmas or your birthday, there would potentially be 45 minutes crying in a bathroom. There would at the very least be a very angry, sad post on TIP the next day.
Everyone has days or holidays that are important to them. Yes, mine is Halloween. I'm sure if I wasn't with H, he wouldn't acknowledge Halloween in any way, shape or form. But he knows how much I love it and how happy it makes me so he does something to show he cares. Just like he couldn't give two shyts about St. Patrick's Day... but it's important to his mom, so at the very least she gets a sweet card and beautiful flowers. It's just part of being a decent person.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
It speaks to a level of immaturity to the person who is assigning so much value to their SO's actions on that particular day.
The OP in that post did sound extraordinarily childish. Staying up to 3am making brownies, everyone in her office receiving gifts, people at her office asking what gifts she had received. Crazy.
I suspect she has over the top reactions to many things, not just VD, and her SO has had it.
Now, there's nothing wrong with having expectations, telling your SO about them, being disappointed if they are not met. Nothing at all. But hysterical crying for an hour and crying yourself to sleep? Her problem.
The more I read these responses, the more I want to know...
What would your HONEST reaction be if you put a lot of thought and effort into a Christmas or birthday gift for your SO... and he had absolutely NOTHING for you? And what would this honest reaction be if you had already explained to him that even though this is a "day" like any other day... it's a day that you enjoy and attach significance to? What if, on your birthday, you got home (hopeful that maybe he was going to take you out or cook you a nice dinner)... and instead, he's heating up leftovers ONLY for him?
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
^^^
I'd be disappointed and annoyed. But in the moment/evening/day I'd just deal with it and carry on.
Then, after a cooling off period (day or two) I'd tell him about my feelings during a neutral time.
But, that's my nature.
I can understand being disappointed and her H sounds like an ass, but I think she was a little over dramatic about it. I do think he should have at least gotten her a card or mentioned that he wasn't planning anything when she asked him. That way there wouldn't have been so much disappointment.
I think maybe she builds it up so much that she puts herself in the position for disappointment. She knew that he did nothing the year before but she still had high hopes for this year. I have a feeling he disappoints her in other areas of their life together so she probably should have known this would happen.
I just couldn't get over her dramatic writing and I have a feeling she oozes drama in her everyday life.
I'd dump him. Not so much because he didn't personally celebrate Christmas or birthdays, but because he was fundamentally incapable of doing something that was special to me, and on top of that, rubbed my nose in his lack of caring. I mean, if he's basically shouting from the rooftops that he doesn't give a flying fook about my feelings, why would I stay?
I still think that Valentine's Day is irrelevant to the post. She was poking the beast to see if he's still a selfish azzhole. She'll poke again at the next gift-giving occasion to see if he's changed.
Don't get me wrong... I think staying with him at this point is on her, and any further situations like Valentine's Day... she kind of deserves at that point.
HOWEVER, I don't like how people here and on ML are making her out to be some shrill, harpy, embarrassment-to-females-everywhere for 1) enjoying Valentine's Day and 2) expecting some sort of thoughtful gesture from the man she's supposed to be marrying.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
I think that if you're only mildly, calmly miffed that your SO can't be bothered to take five minutes to think about something you'd like and get it for you, then your standards are too damn low. And that goes double for those of you who wouldn't think it was much of a crisis if he was this half-assed repeatedly, year after year.
I suspect that this kind of guy also thinks that a woman's orgasm is optional during sex. Call it a hunch.
This happens to me almost every year, actually. I can't remember the last time I got a birthday gift, and usually he goes and buys something on Christmas Eve-meaning, whatever's left on the shelves or gets a Christmas card for me. A couple years ago, I got him a PS3 for his birthday, I didn't get anything for mine, but I honestly didn't really care. A lot of it has to do with the fact that to me they're just days like any other to me, and I really don't need more "stuff" that I'll just have to find places for - or worse yet, have to clean or dust, lol. If I say "hey, I'd like some clothes for my birthday" or something, he'll get me a gift card or something to a store (or I'll just say I'll go get myself some clothes). I certainly wouldn't throw a fit and cry for 45 minutes. It really, honestly doesn't bother me. I knew this is how he was when I met him and I certainly wasn't going to change that about him. He enjoys doing things like keeping the yard looking really nice, changing the oil in my car or other maintenance, fixing things that need it, etc. to show that he cares. I get that, I accept that, and I don't demand he change that about himself.
I said it before though...I'd rather come home on some random day and have a vase of flowers there or a nice dinner he cooked "just because", which he does do and I think that's even sweeter than the obligatory stuff on birthdays and holidays.
I just think it's the reaction that people have (OMG, he doesn't love me!) when their expectations aren't met. That poster's FI, as I said before, dropped the ball, but the 45 minutes of crying in the bathroom was over the top.
Although I'm side-eyeing the hell out of your H right now Malibu... there is a bit of a difference:
1) he's always been this way (unlike the OP who's H had a great showing their first Valentine's Day)
and
2) YOU don't care about those days (unlike the OP who does and has made it abundantly clear)
I think too many people responding to this posts are unable to see past the end of their own noses and see the situation from someone else's perspective. It doesn't matter if YOU don't give a shyt about Valentine's Day (neither do I)... the only thing that matters is that the OP DOES!
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
I'm side-eyeing your H, too, Malibu. If it really doesn't bother you, then I guess it doesn't matter. But, really?
He never does anything to make your special days special? Does he appreciate it when you do special things for him?
How often does he do things on random days "just because"?
I don't know, imoan. I think most people understand why she's upset, but just don't like the way she went about showing how upset she was. She came across as a drama queen.
So we're all agreed that just because Mr. Malibootay stinks at life, that doesn't mean that all other women have to be okay with having similar duds?
And this:
"He enjoys doing things like keeping the yard looking really nice, changing the oil in my car or other maintenance, fixing things that need it, etc. to show that he cares."
is a load of crap. He acts like a reasonably responsible adult to show you he cares? Wow, he really pulled out the big guns there.
I don't know. Between TIP and ML, I saw a whole hell of a lot of "Valentine's Day sucks! What kind of people care about this crappy made-up holiday". Yes, she was being dramatic- we all know that. But I didn't agree with the fact that people thought she was being dramatic because it was "just" Valentine's Day and it's a stupid holiday.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
It seriously doesn't bother me. We have so much crap in our house that I don't need any more. When birthdays/holidays come around and I'm asked what I want, I never have any ideas (although this year I want a Keurig). I just don't make a big deal out of them - although Christmas with a kid now means I make a bigger deal for her.
imoan, I'm really not saying that because I don't like VD that she shouldn't either. I don't think my OP conveyed that well. It's the over the top reactions - the locking in a bathroom and bawling over it, sulking, playing the "fine" card - that make me roll my eyes. And it isn't just that poster - I'm talking about everyone I saw that threw fits on FB or other boards - about how terrible their normally-great-on-the-other-364 days-out-of-the-year SO is because their expectations weren't met. It's the inability to communicate like a grown up when that expectation wasn't met that makes me roll my eyes. Do I think (like I said before) that her FI dropped the ball after she made it clear that it was important to her? Yes, and reading her follow up suggested he attempted to make it up to her a little. Do I think it warranted such a juvenile reaction from her? No. I think instead of waiting around VD night, she should have just asked the FI "hey, what are our plans for VD?" rather than expecting a surprise and being disappointed. When it was clear he hadn't planned anything, she should have made it known then that she was disappointed, not playing the game she did the rest of the night.
Or maybe I really am dead inside.
Oh and Muddled, he does special little things for me at least every other month. Flowers, dinner, drop in at my work for a suprise lunch, stuff like that. Maybe that's why the rest of it doesn't really bother me. He tries, and he does a good job at it when he does. Don't worry, he really is a good guy.
Here's the thing though - he works 50-60 hours a week and then goes to full time college on top of it. I give him the credit for it because it really is not all that easy for him to fit these kinds of things in, especially when he's trying to also spend time with the kiddo and do massive amounts of homework. The guy gets about five hours of sleep a night, so when he is able to carve out some time for things like this, I do appreciate it. He could let it all go, wait for me to do it, or pay money for someone else to do it, but he uses the little free time he does have to do those things. So yes, while it might seem like stupid things that anyone can or should do, it really is something I appreciate him being able to do.
Gah! But I don't want anything! That's the point. I don't need any more stuff.
And I don't want him to hire a gardener. Yardwork is one of the few things he enjoys doing (not sure why...I hate it) and is able to find time for, so if he wants to do it, he can have at it.
She's not this upset just because he didn't get her anything for Valentine's Day. I think there has to be more to it to get THAT upset. Yes, it was a jerk move on his part to tell her he was doing something and then be anasshole about making it very obvious to her that he was going out of his way to NOT do anything. I think there are bigger problems there in their relationship than him not doing something for Valentine's Day this year. I'm sure her crying for 45 mins about Valentine's Day must have more behind it than the past two Valentine's Days. I would bet he treats her like this all of the time in everyday life and she had higher expectations this year because she asked him first if he was doing anything.
I personally think she set herself up for disappointment by expecting someone who has proven to not giveashit to do something nice for her on Valentine's Day.
She needs to either accept that he's a jerk or she needs to leave and find someone who will recognize her need to celebrate certain holidays.
Malibu...just because you have a lot of stuff and don't need anything doesn't mean that your DH can't follow through with a card or some flowers.
In the Mortomo household it is understood that Christmas, Valentine's Day and birthdays require at least a card with a thoughtful handwritten message. Now that I think of it, FI always gets me an Easter card and I never get him one. Maybe he feels bad that I always forget Easter.
Okay, now I'm confused. How is him doing something he enjoys a way he shows his love for you?