Trouble in Paradise
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
1 Month Away-I Don't Know If I Should Call it Off
We've been together for 3 and a half years, had our share of awful fights and great times all along the way. We've overcome a lot - we both lost our jobs shortly after we began dating, his mother has always been meddlesome and I don't expect that to change, and we don't see perfectly eye to eye on how to handle our finances. But through it all, we've decided to stay together time after time because at the end of the day, we love each other. But as of tomorrow, our wedding is one month away. And for some reason, we keep having fights about the dumbest stuff that turns into a nuclear war. I feel like there is so much at stake, and so much going on, that I can't think straight about what I could or should possibly do. It's so volatile lately. He goes from "I love you!" to "you're a @#$%ing spaz"(yes, he just said that to me). Maybe I am a spaz, but I don't want him to talk to me like that, and when I tell him that he says that I'm "so sensitive". I feel like he doesn't love me when he talks to me like that, but I am also on pins and needles about every little thing so I don't know if I'm being over sensitive. Any advice would be appreciated, or anything, just to hear from someone. I don't want to talk to any of my friends or family about this yet.
Re: 1 Month Away-I Don't Know If I Should Call it Off
Anybody on TK or TN can tell you that most of the time, the fights that couples have during wedding planning are due to the wedding planning.
BUT... what is "NOT" just an issue of wedding planning is a guy who curses at you and calls you stupid/sh!tty/demeaning names.
He has ZERO right to call you a nasty name. Period. Where is the respect for you? and where is the maturity in handling a confrontation? I see no respect and I see no maturity.
You are "so sensitive?" This is an immature way out -- he's trying to lord the blame onto you.
I think it would be smart to postpone the wedding indefinitely -- forget who's invited and forget who's made plans already to come to where the wedding is --- what is more important here is YOUR HAPPINESS and that you're marrying a guy who loves you, respects you and thinks you're the greatest thing since the laptop.
It is also not great that his mother can't and won't butt out. (Willing to bet he stood down and let dear ole Mom say and do as she wished...again, immature and wrong)
Remember: if an issue with his mother is present now, it sure will be an issue after the wedding if you marry her son. Any problem you have with that person or his family becomes a permanent one.
Postpone --- and put YOURSELF and your happiness first.
This guy is no prize. Why should you tolerate walking on eggs and why should you settle for a guy who cusses at you and call you names?
I hate wedding planning and we did have an increase in the amount of fights over stupid stuff right before getting married.
However, I would not be okay with someone lashing out at me by calling me names or writing off my feelings as me being too sensitive whenever anything gets stressful. You are not always going to agree on everything 100% of the time and how you deal with those disagreements is so important. There are a lot of resources on "fighting fair" that you might want to look into. I would also look into premarital counseling.
The financial issue is something that needs to be addressed now. That really is one area you need to agree on before going through with the wedding and tying yourselves financially to each other.
It takes a strong person to postpone a wedding when it is a month away, but it is definitely an option. If you feel like you have to walk on egg shells now, it is a pretty good indicator of what your marriage is going to be like. I would not want to live that way.
Calling off a wedding is way cheaper than a divorce.
He actually said he wished you hadn't paid the tax on his truck because he'd rather you'd have bought him new tires? What an entitled jerk. Please, do the right thing, don't marry this guy. You know in your gut you shouldn't go through with it. I promise you, you can do much better.
I feel strongly about this topic, so take my opinion with a grain of salt, but name calling is a HUGE deal breaker for me. Also, the financial immaturity would be enough for me to question undertaking a marriage with someone. You paid the insurance on his vehicle, and he was complaining because he wanted new tires??? This is alarming because it shows his priorities, financially, are skewed towards frivolous things over serious concerns. If this doesn't get straightened out before you get married, you will constantly be dealing with arguments over money. While a marriage should be based in love, it is hard to ignore that it IS also a partnership. If you have very different goals or ideas for handling finances, it will be very difficult for you to move forward together.
As tough as it is, I would postpone if I were in your shoes. If he can straighten out, and put an effort towards learning to be financially responsible, perhaps that aspect can be worked out. As far as the name calling, is this the first time it has happened? What was the context? I have a very low tolerance for name calling, but I have told my H to "stop being an ass" a few times in a semi joking manner, so I guess the context is important. The biggest problem I see is that he told you that you are "so sensitive," which indicates to me that he isn't taking your feelings into account.
Good luck, so sorry you are going through this. I hope you read these responses and think through your next move.
I don't know that "overcoming alot" and "we love each other" are really reasons to force a square peg into a round hole. Do you really think your relationship overall REALLY "works"?
And you've decided to stay together time after time? This has come up a lot?
Relationships take effort, but they shouldn't be WORK where it's a battle, and a "is this really right?" over and over and over.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You need to, at the very least, postpone this wedding.
It sounds like you're trying very hard to force this questionable relationship into a marriage. You know, love isn't enough to make a marriage work. And couples that have problems that lead to "awful fights" before the wedding have worse fights after the wedding.
The name calling and then blaming it on you ("you're too sensitive") is a big red flag. Please, please rethink marrying this guy.
And my DH and I had no fights before the wedding and maybe 2 in the 9 years we've been married. You shouldn't have this much drama with someone that you're truly compatible with.
This is probably less helpful than other responses, but in my opinion when someone questions whether they should call off a wedding the answer is always yes.
Why would you want to go in to a marriage that is starting with doubt? You don't need to break up with him completely if you think that your relationship is worth saving. You two can go to counceling together, get help from financial advisors, etc. The point is, you want to try to fix the relationship and get it to a point where you want to be married (absolutely and completely) BEFORE you actually get married.
You are right not to expect anything to change. People are who they are and a wedding ring doesn't change that. This is who he is. Is that what you want? Even with all the pre-wedding stress, you should never have to feel like you are on pins and needles around your fiance.
As complicated as calling off a wedding is, a divorce will be worse.
A couple of the Money Matters women have had to do an overhaul on financial thinking in their homes if you want to go over there and ask for some advice on that.
Don't marry him until you have everything worked out that you need worked out. If that's not going to be possible or if this is just not the right fit for you, walk away and don't look back.
I don't necessarily agree. H and I fought before the wedding, because it's a stressful time with all sorts of very big decisions. We've definitely fought multiple times since we've been married. The issue isn't whether you're fighting or not, it's how you fight. Name calling, absolute statements (like, "you're always too sensitive"), ultimatums, etc. are not the most productive ways to settle your differences. But there are definitely healthy ways to fight!
OP, the fact that you're questioning the wedding to this degree means you should probably at least postpone. Sit down and figure out the weak points in your relationship and if you think they're deal breakers or things that you can work through. Just from your post, I'd say you guys have a big problem when it comes to finances. It seems like he handed over all financial responsibility to you, and now he's whining when you pay the bills instead of buying him tires. This seems like a set-up that will create a lot of resentment on both sides of the equation.
It's much easier to call off a wedding than a marriage, even one month out, you are not bound to go through with this. You can call it off, and based on what you've said, you should at the very least postpone it. Someone who would get new tires instead of paying excise tax is immature and will drag you down financially. Someone who calls you names is ... well, name calling is a big deal to me and in my book it is bordering on emotionally abusive and is not a good sign of things to come.
Do yourself a favor and get out of this sooner, rather than later.
Smock--
I didn't mean fights about the wedding caused by stress. At the top of her post, she mentions "awful fights along the way" before wedding planning was started. Those are the fights I was referencing.
My BIL is going through a divorce right now. He says he knew before the wedding that it wasn't going to work out forever, and he knew he shouldn't have gone through with it.
Four years and one kid later, he's divorcing.
I think it's normal to have a little, "WTF am I doing moment!" but *this* much anxiety? For me, that would be reason to postpone indefinitely, at the very least.
Name calling and demeaning my feelings are deal breakers for me. Those are not loving.The fact that you have to walk on egg shells is disconcerting. In a healthy relationship you wouldn't have to. Also the fact that you disagree about important financial things is a huge red flag.
At least postpone your wedding. Personally I think you should call it off. GL with whatever you choose to do.
So, I guess to say I am confused by this more recent behavior from him is a major understatement. It's immature, and it seems to be out of character, but why? I know you don't know, but I also don't know if he'll admit it or even be willing to talk about it.
My guess is that he has been like this all along and you were, until very recently, seeing his representative.
It is not fraudlent behavior; he was trying to meet your expectations -- but nontheless, you don't need an immature, confrontational jerk -- that is what he is --- and remember: this can have the potential of escalating into a physical issue.
Say goodbye to him, posthaste.
He is supposed to make you feel great about yourself, not make you feel like a pile of crud.
Another example - on Friday, I paid $1100 for the tax he owed on a truck he recently bought.
Under no circumstances marry a person who cannot handle money.
You are NOT compatible in that area --- and remember --- money, like sex and religion, is one of the biggest issues a couple will fight about.
And you and he are getting married; the both of you are in no position to purchase a truck; you and he cannot afford it. Remember: this is an OUR MONEY thing now.
Planning Bio||Married Bio||My Blog||Our Wedding Pictures
I am married to someone who is a poor financial planner. Trust me, get those things taken care of BEFORE you get married. The stakes only get higher when you get married.
Also, I agree, if you are questioning whether to get married, the answer is usually no, don't get married.
And to top this off, he didn't blink an eye when YOU paid for HIS tax on his truck!
Where is the respect for you? I see none at all -- and I'd wonder what else you'll be picking up the tab for.
When I told him I paid the tax, he said 'thank you', but when he brought up wanting the tires, it immediately made me feel like he didn't really appreciate that I had basically bailed him out of yet another financial situation that we both know he would have ignored. He kept saying that he "called them, and they said to just pay it when I can". That hasn't been my experience with ANYTHING in life, certainly not tax notices.
I am just mad now - I feel like I am in a corner and it's my fault. 4 months ago, I relocated, left my job, sold my house, so we could move to a place he really wanted to move to. So much so, that he basically refused to find another job where we were living, because he "didn't want to get stuck there". So now here I am, and it's the second time in my life that I've done something like this for a guy and it is working out about the same. It's like I learned nothing. I'm 35 years old. I'll have to move home to my parents house for some regrouping time, and I know I am giving up what is likely my last chance to have children. Maybe I just don't deserve them. But the alternative is staying with him, maybe having children, then having his overbearing passive aggressive mother smothering us while he resents me for buying us a nice house, because what it really means to him is that he didn't get to spend enough money on toys. So why do I feel so guilty and awful? Why do I still want to make this work? The thought of starting over again is unbearable. I just want what I have wanted for over 10 years. I want a family, a happy family. I've only mentioned the tip of the iceberg of his financial beliefs and practices. It makes me so sad. Why can't I find someone who is nice to me, has a job, doesn't spend money like a moron, etc? I never thought I would end up alone, but I always choose so poorly.
Yeah, usually it is something like "Pay us when you can but if it isn't by your next pay check we will repo everything you own and take half of every paycheck until the debts' paid. We also take payments in check, visa, mastercard and blood if needed."
Never say never. This is far from the last chance you have to have children. 35 is not instant menopause. You have plenty of child bearing years to go. And when you do hit menopause, you still have a chance to have kids. There are plenty of wonderful children out there looking for a mom. There is adoption and foster care. There are also many kids out there with parents that have checked out that are looking for that parent figure. My grandma, who turns 77 this week has adopted two foster kids in the last three years. It it never too late.
Check us out
This guy is irresponsible, talks to you like you're sidewalk trash, he can't handle money and he's immature.
I wouldn't let him father a pet rock.
There is also the option of bearing the child on your own, a la Madonna and other women who have chosen to be single mothers.
Why can't I find someone who is nice to me, has a job, doesn't spend money like a moron, etc? I never thought I would end up alone, but I always choose so poorly.
What I think you need to do:
Call it a day with this guy -- and then call a nice long moratorium on dating.
Check into seeing a therapist so that you can learn how NOT to attract any more duds, deadbeats or middleschoolers.
And when you're ready to date, do it the tried and true way:
Get the word out -- let everyone know you want to meet a great guy who is responsible, has a good job, etc -- the whole nine yards -- they can vouch for the gent and you know you won't be getting somebody who's a lemon.
Partake in activities where you can meet a guy via a common interest. There are tons of things out there: something geared to an activity/sport you like, volunteer groups, sports groups, evening classes, professional organizations, etc.
You might even meet somebody via a group of friends -- just about everybody has a friend who is looking to meet somebody of the opposite sex.
Welll, look at it this way- how much more time do you want to waste on a relationship that you KNOW isn't the relationship you want, isn't w/ the kind of man that you REALLY would want to have kids with?
Do you want to waste anotehr year, or two, or ten? Only to find out it gets worse?
You say this is only the "tip of the iceberg" - so... again, I feel like you've been ignoring the many red flags for a long time. You're trying to stick to this "but we love each otehr". Really? Do you? I mean, REALLY think about why you love him? What is it that he has to offer? And definitley compare it so the many cons ....
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Loss is hard and change is scary, but seriously you shouldn't let those things hold you back and decide to marry someone you know in your gut isn't right for you.
You know, although loss is difficult, that is when I have experienced the most growth and positive change in my life. I don't look forward to loss, but making difficult decisions that were in my best interest has shaped me into who I am today.