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Only one person in relationship can drive
I'm wondering if anyone else is in the same situation as I am?
I am originally from the UK, now living in the US. I am a competent driver, but am still a bit nervous driving on the other side of the road, having the driver on the opposite side of the car etc and I like to have someone in the car with me, just for the next while, until I get used to how the roads are here.
We only have one car at the moment which my husband drives. If I want to go somewhere, say the store (we live in the middle of nowhere), a lot of the time my husband will say no. He works from 7am till about 3pm, and I am currently unemployed, so I'm stuck in the house all week by myself. Sometimes I just want to get out during the week and I feel like I have to beg him to take me somewhere. I know he is tired from working but he questions me every time I want to go somewhere. We were supposed to go and look at a car for together when he had finished work today and he decided to go by himself. He didn't tell me this until he had finished work, so I was sitting here ready to go.
Earlier, I wanted to go get some soap, some juice for the house, practice my driving and just get out of the house in general. He said no, they aren't things we 'need'. I understand that, but what about things I 'would like'. Is it unreasonable to ask him to come with me (a 15 min drive) for my own wants? We would be out of the house an hour at most, and I only ask once a week, if that.
How do I address this situation? Apart from this issue our relationship is great, and we are actively looking for a vehicle for me to drive.
Re: Only one person in relationship can drive
Doesn't sound great to me.
I mean, you're a person. Not his kept wife, right?
For the first few years of my relationship, I couldn't drive. I had a petrifying fear of it from childhood. We would have that kind of fight. I wanted to go somewhere he didn't. If there was no way he would go with me I would ask a friend to take me. Or take the bus. Having these options made it much easier to get him to go with me because it didn't feel like he was my only source of transportation evenly though he was my main source.
Do you have friends in town? They could sit with you while you got used to the roads. Again, my FI was not the only one that drove with me when I was conquering my fear. If he feels that he is not the sole support then it is easier to give a little more.
Other than broadening your support net, I have no other advice to give because if my FI didn't have to be the one behind the wheel, he did not care about when, how or where we went somewhere. He loves being chauffeured around. Maybe if you explain that it is a chance for him to support you and relax in passenger seat.
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Either get a friend to drive with you or look into public transportation.
Your H is being an ass when he knows you are new to the area.
We live really far from everything, I only have a couple of friends here (wifes of DHs friends) and we live about 45 mins drive from them.There isn't any public transport here, like, at all.
He basically just said that he won't go anywhere during the week because he gets too tired. So looks like I'm stuck here during the weekdays. It sucks
are you *sure* there's no public transportation?
the "dial-a-ride"/'ready-ride'/whatever it's called in your area, is often under advertised...and does often go far into the country. call your county's trans. assoc. and ask.
THen set up a schedule to learn to drive w/o needing help ASAP--2 hours every sat, from 12-2 or WTF ever.
And start evaluating the priorities in this relationship, becuase this ain't healhty thus far.
I was in a previous relationship with a guy who didn't drive. He had also just moved here from the UK.
If it weren't for the excellent public transportation where we lived and his willingness to walk, it would NOT have worked for more than a few months, and I still resented that I had to do ALL of the driving when driving was necessary (longer trips, late-night parties).
That being said, dude was not cut out to drive. He got in accidents riding his motorbike as a youngster and I think he was a terrible driver and simply not cut out for it. I respected that and didn't think it was something he'd need to change per se, but its impact on our life was fairly minimal compared to yours.
I guess what I'm wondering is why your H didn't seem to factor this into your relationship more fully before moving the two of you to the middle of nowhere, and why you went along with this situation with no semblance of independence for yourself. What are you really angling for in this relationship to submit to this?
I've had bits and spurts of times when I haven't been able to drive because of a medical condition I have. When my doctor gives me the okay to drive it always takes me a good 6 months to a year to be comfortable driving again. My family and now my H have been nothing but supportive about this issue. I also lived in the boondocks with no bus, dial-a-ride etc until 2.5 years ago when I got married.
I'm sorry your H is being an @sshole. Does he completely understand you don't want to be home 5 days a week with no interaction with people until he gets off work? Seriously? I suggest a sit down conversation with him that involves some compromising on his part.
Do you plan on working in the future? I ask because if you don't get comfortable driving and there's no other transportation how else does your H expect you to get to work?
I have lived in a town with no public transportation and been 45+ minute drive away from all of my friends and family. You make it worth their while to come get you. I would help clean their house for parties I wanted to attend, I would fill their tank (back when 20 to 30 bucks filled the tank), or be their support when they didn't want to be alone when doing something. Once I even babysat someone's kids for a weekend, because they drove me around town for a day. There are ways. Just 'cause he is inconsiderate doesn't mean you're trapped, it just means you have to branch out farther until you can overcome your obstacles.
You can also arrange driving lessons to your needs too. Like they come pick you up, teach you for an hour or so, then drop you off where you can shop and your husband picks you up when he gets off of work.
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Seriously- if he's "too tired" to do ANYTHING during the week other than work, dont' have kids w/ this guy. If going w/ you to the store so that you can practice driving is too much for him - kids will kill him.
He sounds lazy and like an a$$
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm actually more on Team Husband here.
I purposefully do my errands at lunch or on the way home from work because once I get home from work, I don't want to go out again. We also live pretty far from things, so it's also about a 15-20 minute drive to get to the nearest large shopping mall area. Yeah, it's only 15 minutes one way, but that's 30 minutes round trip, plus the time you'll spend looking around the store. So really, it would be closer to 1-2 hours, right?
I understand your perspective. I get cabin fever too. Even on weekends I want to just get out to go anywhere or do anything...but never do I feel that way once I get home from work.
I think you should take the car when your DH gets home and just drive around locally (where the roads may be less busy or congested). Get used to the roads so you can start driving yourself around. The only way you get comfortable is by doing it. It's the sink or swim approach. I did that when I started driving as a teenager, and had to do it again when I bought a manual transmission car without knowing how to drive manual transmission. I was a nervous wreck for a few weeks because I wasn't comfortable with it, but that was the fastest way to learn and master it.
This is what I was going to say. If you live so far in the middle of nowhere, there shouldn't be too many other cars on the road. Find a place where you feel comfortable practicing and go by yourself.
Also, you don't have to drive to get out of the house. If the grocery store is a 15 minute drive, it shouldn't be much more than an hour's walk. Take a backpack and go. It's harder, but it's also more interesting, and it might keep you busy until you get a car and get comfortable driving by yourself.
Once you've got the car and a little independence, think about whether your husband seems careless of your comfort in other respects.