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so conflicted..
I have been married for 7 years and I have been unhappy for many of them. Mh is a type 1 diabetic and on an insulin pump.. he got the disease at 10 years old and never took care of it.(refused to test, ate sugary junk foods, no exercise) I asked (begged) him for years to take care of himself for me and then later on for our daughter. He would get agitated and tell me he has handled it since he's 10 and that its his disease.. stay out of it. He would say "well nothing has happened yet"
I eventually couple years ago gave up on trying to get him to take care of himself. Last year he developed advanced diabetic retinopathy and needed two major eye surgeries. He has little vision in his left eye and some damage to the right one. He has had numerous laser surgeries in both eyes and there is a real chance of blindness eventually.. You would think that would scare the hell out of someone. he still refused to test, still ate cupcakes when his sugar dropped..
For years, I have been watching him slowly kill himself and not care. Its a depressing thing to think of.. possibly having a H on disability at 35 or maybe burying them in the next 5- 10 years. Not only was this a major issue but there were other things with lack of affection on his part. He NEVER hugged me, held my hand, gave me a kiss.. He did a little when we first met but it completely stopped. At a party once, I told him to put his arm around me. he awkwardly did for 5 mins and took it off,..he would never just put his arm around me, snuggle up to me on a couch, nothing.. If I would aproach him to hug him he would push away or make a joke of it and yell for our daughter to save him from mommy. very strange. He would only want to come near me if he wanted sex. I eventually stopped sleeping in bed with him. I would sleep with our daughter.. at least she hugged me..
I was growing so lonely and wanting something more.. A couple years ago I began talking to an old friend(guy i used to like in high school) on facebook. we started chatting and talking alot. It was so nice to hear nice comments like i'm beautiful (these things were never told to me. not even on our wedding day did he say you look beautiful) It was nice.. I met the guy a few times, just met and kissed. I had not kissed anyone in years. well things didn't advance but then last summer I began talking to someone else from hs. Things progressed further and we saw each other alot. I ended up getting caught with a pic of him with his arm around me. Mh left and went to his parents in another state. Everything went super fast and I ended up getting a lawyer. So did he. I filed for divorce.
Since then he is begging me, crying to please take him back.. He is texting me his sugars daily (which are majorily scary cause he has these massive swings btw low and high from never managing it for years) he has become what they call a brittle diabetic.. (uncontrollable) he promises to exercise, eat right.. he tells me he sees what he did wrong and he wants to snuggle with me. hug me etc.
The only prob is now is I dont know what I even feel. I can't kiss him and I don't know why.. I don't have a desire to snuggle with him. and I also don't trust that he is going to suddenly maintain his disease.. which honestly I don't know if he can if he wants to now. I am so conflicted w my feelings.. I worry about him and get so scared at the thought of him dying.. i have this need to call to check on him every mornign to see if he is alive. If we do go through w the divorce I know that can't continue and he tells me that he will move back home out of state to his parents. We have a 5 year old who he does adore and love. He was always affectionate to her.. just not me. If I leave him what does this do to her? Since we have been separated I havent been able to afford the mortgage and we are now in foreclosure status. I am losing the house, unsure where we live, taking my daughter out of a wonderful school if I go through with this.. and how do I leave him sick? he says he will completely stop everything if i continue the divorce. He will stop testing, drs etc,..
So then I have that guilt on me.. feeling like i am responsible for his life.. My daughter's father's life... Yet, if I stay, I truly don't know that I am still in love with him. Are my feelings just compassion or am I in love with him. Don't you want to kiss and touch the person u are in love with?? I am torn between keeping a stable home in a good neighborhood for my daughter and leavign and maybe finding the right person, if there is one. I don't know if I will ever be happy ..
Re: so conflicted..
I'm going to start w/ a question you won't like...
besides his health, what changed?
Your focus is o him not being physically affectionate. And he was apparently never physically affectionate. So 5, 10, whatever years ago, he wasn't affectionate but you were OK w/ that--at least OK enough to marry him. Why was it OK then but not now?
(I'm not trying nto knock your choice, just get into your own logic a bit)
(Do you have an EAP through either of your workplaces? look it up, call it, get an appointment w/ someone. Free, confidental,incredibly helpful)
You're not responsible for his life. He is an adult. He has had this disease since he was 10 years old. In that time, he learned how to take care of himself and he decided to ignore it. Now that the disease has gotten to a point where it may be uncontrollable that does not make it any more your problem than it was when he could have fixed it.
Second, a stable home is not one where the parents are unhappy with each other. She's not going to learn about healthy relationships by watching you and your husband engage in an unhealthy marriage.
It sounds like he's using something you know you're concerned about (his sugar levels) to guilt you back in to the marriage. Once it works and you go back to him, he's not going to miraculously change and take care of himself. He knew the potential implications of living the way he was and chose to stay the course.
Furthermore, you cheated on him twice. This is not a good marriage. This is not a healthy environment for you, your daughter or your husband. Keep going with the divorce.
That is manipulation 101! He is responsible for his life, not you. The fact that he is trying to hold that over your head is disgusting. He has a daughter to live for.
It doesn't seem like anything has changed at all.
Did you talk about the reasons why you filed for divorce before you did it? If so, then you can be reasonably sure that he isn't changing a thing as soon as he feels that your relationship is secure.
You are not responsible for his health. There is absolutely nothing you can do that will determine that he lives or dies. That is in his hands and his hands alone.
Not only was this a major issue but there were other things with lack of affection on his part. He NEVER hugged me, held my hand, gave me a kiss.. He did a little when we first met but it completely stopped. At a party once, I told him to put his arm around me. he awkwardly did for 5 mins and took it off,..he would never just put his arm around me, snuggle up to me on a couch, nothing..
Are you saying your entire relationship has been void of affection for you? If he was that much of a cold fish when you began dating, you should have very politely bowed out there and then. To put it mildly, he is not your cup of tea.
And it sounds to me like he never will be, either.
What you have here is an unhealthy relationship. And he sounds more than a bit strange to me.
I think you ought to put yourself and the kids first and file for divorce and move on. don't let his guilt trips or whiny passive aggressive threats thwart you.
I am wondering if this guy was abused or has some kind of emotional skeletons in his closet; he probably will not disclose to you what happened if he did. At any rate, his behavior isn't the norm. Good luck.
ETA: I know of somebody who fell into the same pattern you did -- her SO was diagnosed with diabetes over a dozen years ago. He never took care of himself, either -- it was like she had to baby him and be his mom to keep him going. He ate junk, was pious, he was stealing cookies and candy and hiding them like he was a little kid (she'd catch him, of course).
I think she stayed with him out of pity, plus she was also never married so I think she saw this guy as her only chance at having a guy. She came from a rather large family and of course, the siblings are married (and one is already expecting a grandchild) and to this day, she can't even move on from him -- he died a couple of years back. It's very sad.
I agree w/ Motzie.
Not to mention this guy's not much of a father figure -- save me from mommy? My goodness...how odd.:(
Yes, there is much more that I didn't include.. I was out of treatment for an eating disorder when i very first met him. I had anorexia and was in recovery.I honestly looking back prob rushed into something way too soon after being so sick. I met him and I felt a connection because he was diabetic.. Both our illnesses had to do with food, and numbers etc. Only prob was I got better and he didn't. He was somewhat more affectionate at that time.. but I don't know if I really knew what I wanted at that time.. I was just getting better from being very sick..
He also has an issue w thumb sucking. I over looked this when i met him because I had my own issues. I accepted it but over time it sort of started to affect me..We never really talked about it but I assumed he had some sort of anxety w his diabetes.. It was odd esp when we would be doign things sexually and he would do it. I have a very strong feeling now that he MIGHT have asperger's.. He has many signs of it. kind of social awkardness. real immature.. not affectionate. I have even mentioned to him and he thought maybe.
I think you know what you need to do, though I will say that you should take some time on your own, in therapy, to get your head on straight. Showing your daughter that you can stay together with a f*ckeffort douche only shows her that she can stay with a f*ckeffort douche. You are not doing her any favors. You know this, right?
This 100%. You are responsible for you and your DD - no one else. Stay strong, and keep on your course.
What the ........?? During sex??
Dude, you both need mad therapy.
Him for all of his unending issues.
You to figure out why you didn't/don't think you were worth any more than this.
You might be on to something -- the friend I mentioned met her SO in a 12 step program for addicts. So yeah, you bet there was a connection there; they were both with the program.
He's got some kind of a problem, that's for certain. And this is now a codependency, not a healthy marriage dynamic.
It also sounds to me like you have grown apart from him. That happens to couples. I know of a couple who grew apart after 20 years of marriage.
My advice is the usual:
Do not tell your H you are filing.
Get your finances ready; see an attorney and separate your money and assets from his and make sure he cannot access them.
Get child support and visitation issues straghtened out with your attorney and when all is ready, file. No way would I stay in a horrendously unhealthy relationship -- it is also fatal to kids. Kids know when something is wrong at home; the littlest ones will pick up on the fact that things are bad between their parents.
I agree that it has been sort of a co dependency. I do think we have grown apart as well. I feel like I have changed a whole lot since that time. But I struggle with my feelings.. If I am not in love w him why do i worry so much about him?? I feel like I need to check on him and I don't know why. When I think of seeing him in court it makes me so sad. Yet, I don't know that I am in love w him. I am in counseling and she agrees w the co dependency.. she seems to think it is more of a compassion i am feeling though
If I do leave, I will lose the house. I just don't make enough money. So where do i go?? yet I hate to stay w someone for a house. But at the same time it is a good neighborhood w a good school for my daughter.. If i move out, we will have to be in a not so good area with a not so good school.. I feel horrible to do that to her.. and my credit is being destroyed as we speak. I was going to try to get a loan modification on the house but Idk if I make enough to even afford that.. not to mention i think he can demand the house be sold.. I do feel like i love him as a friend. we have been through so much together.. But i feel like I am cheating myself out of a happy life.. Most likely he is going to end up blind and on disability before our mid 40s. then what kind of life will that be? yet i think how do I leave someone sick and would I want that done to me? I did marry him knowing hes diabetic.. I don't think I ever thought he would not take care of himself or understand the implications of the disease at that time.. either way, it s a horrible situation.
BTW I already filed.. Nothing has happened yet. no court date, etc. I barely have enough $ to pay her. Im just kind of stalling the lawyer right now trying to figure out what to do.. he is literally calling all day begging me to reconsider saying no one will love me like he does.. that no one will understand me, my eating disorder etc.. the way he does..
He says I am destroying our lives by losing the house and taking our daughter away from her good school. (which in a way is true since we are gonna lose the house) That i am going to regret this one day when i look back.. all those comments stick in my head and make me so confused of what to do.. I wish I made more money and could be financially independent
You do realize that he will have to pay child support, right? You may have to move, but if he is the good father you say he is, you will not be doing this all on your own.
You may have to move, but it may not be the complete disaster you think it will be. What does your lawyer say about this?
He sounds like a manipulative ?sshole. Don't fall for his games and his manipulations. You should not stay married to an un-affectionate and negligent spouse because of a house. And yes, not managing his disease for so many years makes him negligent!
Stop communicating with him immediately. He wants to guilt you into loving him, and that is never good. It sounds like you've gotten so mixed up in your marriage that you're confusing worrying about him with loving him. They are not the same thing. Right now you need to take care of yourself, first and foremost, by making a plan that doesn't involve him in your life.
So, what do you want out of life? Either you're willing to stay married to a manipulative man you do not love so you can have a nice house, or you're willing to go through with the divorce so you can move forward.
You're not going to fall in love with him if you stay. You're not going to keep the house if you go. Which is more important to you?
No, he won't. If he were unhappy enough to commit suicide, he would have done it already. People who genuinely want to kill themselves don't inform others that they're going to do it. He's just manipulating you.
Although, with his failure to properly care for himself, he's been slowly committing suicide for more than 20 years. Let's be honest- he's not going to do a 180 if you take him back. He's not going to suddenly start taking care of his health, not for the long-term. No matter what you do, he is going to die prematurely. So do what's best for you and your daughter and stop feeling guilty for the choices he's made.
Tell him he's right- there's probably someone out there who would love you the way you SHOULD be loved.
you are all so right.. and it does make sense.. Here is another thing in my head though that gets to me.. Our daughter,, knowing that who ever I am with will never love her in the same way as he does. They won't love her in the same way as if she were their own..
oh and then he makes these goofy comments like if I end up married to someone else that when she is 14 or 15 they might try to molest her. ? what kind of comment is that>!
Uh, is there some history of trauma in your H's childhood? The thumb-sucking (especially during sex) plus the comments that any future husband of yours will molest your daughter are disturbing.
There is something going on there. Something that he needs to figure out for himself. As you have a child, you no longer have the luxury of choosing to go down in flames with him. Stay away. Forget the house. There will always be another house. Think about your daughter. She needs at least one sane parent.