Trouble in Paradise
Alishanyc
member
...here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart(I carry it in my heart)
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Grudges...Hold em, or let em go?
Up working, and have been Facebook messaging with someone which led me to want to ask this question:
Are you the kind to hold a grudge, or do you forgive easily?
...here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
I carry your heart(I carry it in my heart)
Re: Grudges...Hold em, or let em go?
I am 100% unable to hold a grudge if the person apologizes. (presuming they were wrong- Im pretty willing to take blame and apologize when Im the wrong one, and I hope people accept my apologies..)
if there's no closure, Im pretty capable of festering for a long while.
but with closure, I almost instantly forget and forgive.
I try to forgive easily. I don't like the idea of giving someone else control over my mood.
It's not always easy, but I'd much rather work on trying than the alternative. I have always believed that getting and staying angry is like letting someone else determine my state of mind for me, and I don't like that at all.
This is a touchy touchy subject for me.
I have a HUGE heart, and I want to believe the best in people. HOWEVER, I have learned (from being burned one too many times) that these days I have very little tolerance for people's tomfoolery.
With that, I hold a "grudge" in a different sense.
If I feel like a friend or relative (and god, I have very very few relatives) did me wrong somehow, I will definitely let them know. And not in a confrontational way. And if they can recognize what they did, and apologize than we can move on. However, if they are unwilling to do so, I generally cut them off. *Depending on how huge of an offense it was, Im not totally psychotic. LOL
When I cut them off (and this is probably super dysfunctional, but whatever..lol) I'm essentially done with them. I tend to not harbor anger really, they just dont exist for me. When I decide Im done, I am done.
Example: My sister, I have one. However, I have not spoken to her in 2 years, and will never speak to her again. Period. I'm not angry anymore, but she just doesn't exist.
the details of this shoulod have been included with the initial mention of the feud.
You seem to have a really hard time with letting bygones be bygones, or else everybody in your life is egregiously assholeish.
In general I don't have the energy to waste on grudges. meh.
Seriously, you're hilarious and you're right. I apologize. LOL
Long story, here we go:
Picture it - my sister and I have never really been friends our entire lives. She's a stankasaurus and thinks the world revolves around her. The tension btwn she and I definitely became alot worse when my Mom passed. I was her caretaker all those years, and my sister (understandably) holds a ton of guilt about that situation. Moving on.
We try to make nice, and get along. Fast forward to my engagement/wedding shenanigans.
*My sister insisted I make her my Maid of Honor. I would have anyway ONLY because she's my only sister. She INSISTED.
She is LOADED. Crap load of money. Huge loft in Soho, house on like 6 acres upstate, house on the Jersey shore, house in the Bahamas. Full staff, etc. *SAHM, 4 girls, 3 nannies, a cook and a housekeeper. Yeah.
So, she insists on hosting the bridal shower. Im all excited, give her the list of people to invite - we're going to hold it at a friend's restaurant, all is good, right? Yeah, she loses the invitation list 4 different times, turns down all my bridesmaids offers for help (they are all offended, because they arent allowed to participate in any of it..lol) - it was ugly. At the 11th hour, after many calls from DH to see whats going on, she admits that she hasnt had the time, and honestly, she doesnt feel like she has to pay, and so, she decided I wouldnt get a party. (Kid you not). DH is upset (Im sitting right there, to this day she doesnt know that..lol) and tells her that I will absolutely get my party and he'll take care of it. He pulls the entire thing together, pays for it (60 people, food/open bar the entire time..oy) and during the party she talks about how stressed she is that she went through the planning.
Fast forward, its time for my wedding which is going to be in Mexico. She hasnt picked up her dresses (or my nieces dresses. Btwn she and my nieces, they are going to be 4 out of 6 of my bridesmaids!) - she is not answering calls, texts, emails, nothing. The hotel has every one of my guests name on the list, except her, my nieces and BIL who is going to walk me down the aisle. *He and I have been incredibly close.
So, here I am, I have no MOH, no bridesmaids, noone will walk me down the aisle, but I figure..hey, I'll make it work.
DAY BEFORE MY WEDDING DH and I come into the lobby and see my nieces running around. Sister acts like nothing was wrong, told me they ended up coming to Mexico a week earlier, but stayed at a different hotel, didnt think to let me know.
She damn near gets into a fistfight w/ a bridesmaid (they all hate her) walks out during the reception during speeches and says REALLY LOUD "Hey, you gonna be here for a while, Im going to the room to change outta this dress!" and was the most antisocial person I ever met. Did not speak to me, dh or any of the other guests, I tried to talk to her, she blew me off.
We get back to NYC, she shows up at my door like 2 days after Im home and says "Can I please have all of the professional pictures that I and my daughters came out in?". I said "Sure, I'll make you copies, want to come in"
She says No. Never heard from her again. I called her to find out what her issue was, no response. Months later, I called her to let her know that I was expecting my first child - no response. The day the baby was born, I texted her a pic (gd hormones!) to let her know she has a niece, no response.
So, I let it go. Because, I wont tolerate her acting like my child doesnt exist.
Happy now EDITH?!! LOLOL
dude- if you're not exaggerating any of that- she's horrible!! drag, too- because there are so many bonuses to hanging out with fully staffed rich people!
Im sorry!
in this case, I'd grudge, but I bet if she apologized, I'd get over it. I just can't turn down a sorry.
Definitely not. Its ridiculous that to this day I dont know what her reason is, but I have to leave it alone. She would die before she apologizes anyway.
Shes done too much for me to forgive her.
I used to never hold a grudge and forgive and forget. I got burned so many times in such catastrophic ways I've had to learn how to burn bridges. Some people are toxic, and I'm not drinking their poison.
Now, if it's something silly or they just don't realize how something came across and they apologize, yes. Water under the bridge.
My philosophy:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBMfE1RMX0I
Depends on the reasons...
Ive gotten softer as ive gotten older...
BUT im still a good grudge holder!
I don't really hold grudges, but if I am hurt or learn something from a situation than I change my expectations in that relationship and stop putting as much effort as I had been putting in before.
I don't really sit around thinking, "YOU DID ME WRONG." If I'm hurt, I go through the emotions and move on and then don't put myself out there in that type of way again with that person. It limits the relationship, but I find that works out better for me.
Dude, your sister is TERRIBLE. I don't blame you at all for cutting her out completely.
I don't hold grudges in that I sit and stew, but if someone does something wrong by me, I'll remember it. I might like them a little less and I won't rely on them as much, but I won't completely cut them out. Then again, I'm not sure if anyone's ever done something so atrocious that I needed to consider cutting them out.
Your sister sounds awful.
I don't really hold grudges. I usually let things go pretty quickly, I'm bit about saying what I have to say and then letting it go and moving on. Sometimes I move on without that person in my life, but I don't really hold a grudge either.
The only person I hold a grudge against are my stepmother, who was terrible to my sister and me when we were kids, and my dad, for staying with someone who would treat his children that way.
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DUDE. Your sister sounds crazy!
I usually let things go, but I'll admit, there are certain grudges I've held (if you want to call them grudges.) I wouldn't say I stew over any of it, I just feel 'done', you know?
Yeah, I see how you all think my sister sounds nuts, however she's very sane. She's just self absorbed. Her world revolves around herself, and she doesnt have friends and the friends she does have, are bought...
She is 9 years older than me, and the friends she grew up with no longer speak to her. I've always gotten along with them, I've known them forever, and they are very sweet women.. they actually invite me over to hang, and girls nite out, and all they can say is how much she's changed, and how ugly she's become.
Money isnt all its cracked up to be. Even having all that she does, she's a miserable person. I actually feel bad for her.
Though, I wouldnt mind raiding her pocketbook closet and grabbing a couple for myself.
BIOTCH! LOL
i like that!
i'm not a grudge holder. i forgive and forget pretty easily. if that person continues to do things that need forgiven, then i will change my expectations of them and the relationship, but i won't hold a grudge or stay angry.
LOL @ ceramic unicorns.
It depends on how heinous your crime was against me (or the people I love). There are people I still wish for their death on a daily basis (and that reminds me- I still need to take a giant steaming dump on the grave of my mom's exbf).
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