Starting Over
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
the ONE thing you really care about
we've talked about major deal breakers, dumb deal breakers and things we don't care much about.
what is the ONE thing your SO must have?
for me, he must be a christian who's strong in his faith.
what about you? yes, you have to just choose one!
Re: the ONE thing you really care about
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
I was excommunicated for marrying my XH, and it hurt my family so much and hurt me so much to not be able to talk to my family, and that they didnt come to my wedding. And there was an almost imperceptible divide between my H and I on that matter - I want to see eye to eye with him on that, it's important to me.
And it's tough because I am not attracted to anyone in my faith so far
Being anti-abortion rights (meaning it's a deal breaker if he is). Being a smoker comes in a VERY close second.
I'm actually not really willing to budge on either of those issues. I was honestly holding my breath waiting to talk to D about it, and HE brought it up first (again, I'm kind of a political junkie, and tend to attract / date similar people). The sense of relief I felt was enormous.
"You don't get to be all puke-face about your kid shooting your undead baby daddy when all you had to do was KEEP HIM IN THE FLUCKING HOUSE, LORI!" - doctorwho
He must be respectful of me.
* Oh damm, someone said that already.
I'm going to assume the respect thing is a given and go for something different--he must value family but not want kids. Tough to find!
Besides the obvious: Respect for me, loyalty... blah blah
He has to have a very similar parenting style to mine. I do not mind having another point of view on some things, but I am not willing to negotiate the big things.
One more... I may sound like a snob... but he has to be on my level intelligence wise. It is not so much about education, but about how a person thinks, learns and processes information. I get annoyed having to stop a conversation many times re-explain in simpler terms. My BFF never went to college, but our conversations flow nicely. I am not a genius, but I am an intelligent woman and I want to be able to share thoughts and learn from my partner.
Character.
And a big penis.
OMG-this is TOTALLY one of my top ones! Not THE top, but I always say "He's got to be down with the gays!" so I love that you said that!
this
Faith is a close second.
Me third!
Definitely in my top five, as well. Call me a cold-hearted ***** if you want, but I recently walked out on a second date with a guy from Match after he said "the gays" for the umpteenth time. The fact that he'd thrown in a couple "the blacks" definitely helped, as well.
Not negotiable on those, either.
"You don't get to be all puke-face about your kid shooting your undead baby daddy when all you had to do was KEEP HIM IN THE FLUCKING HOUSE, LORI!" - doctorwho
Ditto this exactly. I'm no genius either, but I'm highly educated (two graduate degrees) and I consider myself to be at least fairly intelligent. If I can't hold an intelligent conversation with you, you're out.
D (the guy from match I'm meeting tmrw) actually asked me how I felt about the fact that he never finished college, and, honestly, I can admit I was initially concerned. But our conversations so far have been incredibly intellectually stimulating and THAT'S what I'm looking for, way more so than a degree. So long as you demonstrate to me that you actually into learning new things (and that you're able to find a job that you're good at and that you enjoy - he's a programmer, so it makes sense) I couldn't care less whether or not you have any letters after your name.
On the flipside, if you're freaked out by the fact that i have a bunch of them after mine, you're probably out, as well. Yes, I want to have intellectually interesting conversations with people, but just because I have a JD doesn't mean I'm above being stupidly silly at times, either.
"You don't get to be all puke-face about your kid shooting your undead baby daddy when all you had to do was KEEP HIM IN THE FLUCKING HOUSE, LORI!" - doctorwho
this, too. When did it become OK do use the N word / epithets etc. when first meeting someone? Never mind that it's hateful speech. If you're trying to make a good impression, don't have the manners of a goat.
Dup
Must be able to support himself.
I'm not money hungry. I don't care what it is that he does for a living that enables him to support himself (ok - I wouldn't date a stripper, male prostitute, drug dealer, or anyone who made money illegally). But, I can take care of myself and my DD, and expect that any man coming into our lives can support himself financially.
He must have integrity. I think that encompasses a lot.
I also think he would have to be "established." This does not mean he has to have a lot of money or anything. But he was to have things sort of lined up and going somewhere, instead of still floating out there like Peter Pan, not wanting to grow up and make something of his life.
I also would not get involved with someone who has kids. My H has kids, and while they were not a problem AT ALL, having to play second fiddle to his ex because of the needs of his kids was, and I am not willing to do that again.
Or at least know how to use it well
Seriously though...have similar aspirations in life. I look at life as a journey and I want my future partner to be headed the same general direction.
I hate to be so closed minded about it, but I'm the same way. I even tend to shy away from people who label themselves as middle of the road. So much of the work I do is political, and so much of that work also impacts me personally, that I know I couldn't date someone who didn't feel the same way about things. I don't mind debating politics with friends (in fact, I enjoy it), but I wouldn't want to have to feel like I had my guard up all the time with my partner, too.
"You don't get to be all puke-face about your kid shooting your undead baby daddy when all you had to do was KEEP HIM IN THE FLUCKING HOUSE, LORI!" - doctorwho