Family Matters
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: In-Law Issues HELP!
I agree with you for the most part. But I think you'd see the other examples with a bigger religious difference or something. I know from experience that sometimes the slight differences in christian denominations can cause some major drama. Pretty much everyone in DH's family are christians, but some are SUPER strict christians and think people who drink are sinful, and it can get very judgmental very quickly. Religion is a great thing, but it also can bring out the absolute worst in people, especially when it comes across as a judgment of their lifestyle choices vs. just wanting to uphold your own. If that makes sense.
Anyway, OP, I think you're going to have to fight this issue at some point. And it would be better to fight it now than later. If they show up at your house with alcohol, don't let them in. Or make them dump it on the front lawn or keep it in their car until they leave. The fact that they know your rules, but deliberately disregard them, show that they have no respect for you or your boundaries. I'd make that stand right now. Tell them in advance if it would save drama, but if you don't take a stand now, it'll happen for the rest of your life. And frankly, I think you'd eventually start really resenting these people not respecting your decisions or your house, so the relationship would probably go down the crapper eventually anyway.
As far as everything else, just expect that they'll drink alcohol at their house and be OK with it. If it bothers you, limit the times you go over there.
What do you want your relationship with your ILs to look like? It sounds like there is some discord here that you have identified as occuring when they drink, If you took drinking out of the equation, would they still be the same people?
You are not obligated to go see them and I would highly encourage you to put some distance between these families until you figure out how to come to a compromise.
FWIW my FI is an alcoholic but he's got it pretty well under control; we are serving alcohol at our wedding because my family drinks pretty heavily and no liquor would be a big no no.
Let me reiterate again: you are under no obligation to see or speak to your in-laws and right now it doesn't seem like the playing field is very level. It really seems like they keep behaving like that because of your response and it appears to be the response that they want.
From experience, let me tell you that if you remove alcohol from the equation they would find something else. My exILs used to serve peanut sauce, PB&J sandwiches and all sorts of peanut infested foods and I have a SEVERE allergy to peanuts. I have never seen so many variations of how peanuts could be served.
Distance my dear is your friend - use it wisely and your relationship will be much better. Also, have a very BIG conversation with DH; you will need his support in this.
I think you have to understand that your in-laws are probably alcoholics too if they can't go 3 hours without a drink. As you have insinuated that you have had issues with drinking in the past it is probably hard being around them.
I would suggest Al-Anon and/or counseling to figure out where exactly you stand on the alcohol issue. I would also suggest lots of conversations with your husband, so you are both on the same page. Once you are on the same page then just stick to those rules. For example in-laws can bring their own alcohol, but you don't have any in the home sounds like a good rule. Another rule can be no alcohol at a kids party. When you have the party for your hypothetical kids, and in-laws ask about alcohol simply let them no there will be no alcohol as it is a kids party. Do not engage them, do not debate. You are the host, you can do whatever you want. Also feel free to skip some of the parties that they throw that you feel might get out of hand. Once you are a parent, protecting your child is first. So skipping all their parties that you know will turn into drunken brawls will just come naturally. Its just not the right kind of party for a kid. Or if you do attend, have a plan to leave after an hour, or as soon as you can see they are getting drunker. There are lots of strategies- you just have to take the time to make them.
As far as getting over the hurt from the wedding, they said some nasty things. But you also engaged them in the fight, so you are partly to blame- even if it is a lot less then their part. I guess just go forward with the knowledge of the kind of people that they are maybe with a little less trust in them. Be polite and cordial, no need to be super close or rude.
I understand your pain. My issue with my ILs is that they do not like me. I believe it is because I came into their lives and disrupted their controlled lifes by my husband leaving them and moving in with me. This is what I believe but could be wrong. What ever the reason is, is be-on me. If they have an issue (if there is one; they could just be very unpleasant people) with me they can come to me to fix it, but they have made that choice to act like childred and cry about it with each other instead of coming to me if there is an issue. I have realized that I will never have a relationship with them like I would love to. I was expecting to become friends with them but know now that is not possible. Why should I have a relationship with someone who does not respect me? I have also realized that I have not said anything positive about them in a long time and because so why do I expect to have a relationship? Why use your energy toward someone who does not allow you into their lives?
In your case, your ILs have a problem with the bottle, NOT you. They need to deal with that before anything else. If you do not like them drinking, then say so. I would recommend speaking with your husband and come to an agreement about if you would allow them to drink at your house, or not. If you decide to allow alcohol and they become out of control you ask them to leave. And if you decide to visit them at their house or another location, and they become out of hand there just simply leave. Let them know this/how you feel about it and stand your ground. I would just simply tell them that at times when they drink they become out of control, and because of so you do not want to see them like that and will leave. Or if you go the direction of no drinking at your house then they should respect that. You can not control any one but you can make the decision to leave the situation or ask them to leave your house if their actions become out of control.
I hope this helps and good luck. Please dont allow their ignorance control your life. You know who you are and dont question it because of their actions. Good luck Sweetie!