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Just another MIL rant...
My MIL is making me insane! (a bit lengthy).
I recently got married in July and moved to a different state for my husband and live with his whole family(mom, dad, grandma, brother) and I have no family or friends living in this state, so I'm already going insane yet my MIL wants to chime in and make me even more insane. Since day 1, she has been leaving the house a mess purposely to make me clean it and leaving laundry in the dryer AND washer for ME to wash! Sorry, but I really don't want to wash my FIL's underwear. Their living conditions are absurd. It smells so bad in this house which is embarrassing because my FIL is a well known man in our community and we always have guests. There is NO food in the house(mind you they work at a restaurant they own all day and know I'm home with no food), so I resort to getting fast food because I need something ASAP and sadly I've gained a whole lot of weight since the marriage. She constantly reminds me that my husband is HER son before everything and gets so jealous if I say I miss my mother and yells at me when I do. What does my husband do.....NOTHING! This is taking a huge toll on our marriage and I don't want to leave but it's gotten SOOOOO very bad(she does a lot of other things I haven't mentioned). This woman made my husband bring his cell phone to France for our honeymoon and called him EVERYDAY!!!! WE ARE ON OUR HONEYMOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LEAVE US ALONE!!!! I have no idea what to do and my mother came to visit in november just to see how bad everything was and thank God she saw first hand what I was living in. Prior to our marriage, I had never went into my husbands house or really sat down with his parents(it's a nationality type tradition) but I really wish I would have. It's just sad how his own mother is trying to jeopardize her son's marriage. The other day I got mad at my husband because we hardly communicate anymore and she had the NERVE to tell me a marriage isn't supposed to have communication. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. SICK!
Sorry, I really needed to get this out. I have NO idea what I am going to do.Some opinions would be nice, thank you!
Re: Just another MIL rant...
First of all, you do know that living with relatives is never ever a good idea and it never ends positively for anyone involved, right?:
Why did you agree to move in with his family???
Get yourselves out of there, stat. If money is a problem, find the cheapest most affordable apartment you and he can stand and move in there, like, yesterday.
That solves one problem.
I don't know how you can solve a mama's boy problem. Surely you knew that he was, eh, close, to his mother long before your marriage to him. This mess did not start after you got married.
If the situation with him is this hopeless, sit him down, tell him he needs to grow up and be a husband, not a child that you come first. If he doesn't get it and immediatly snap into action, then I suggest having this sham of a marriage annulled.
I for one cannot see how any self respecting guy can move his wife into a home with his family, let alone one that is a pigsty and wow, he can't even provide food for you? Doesn't this jerk leave you any money so you can do grocery shopping?
If he is not even providing money so you can go grocery shopping, don't even ask me what I think of that. I'll really go off. That borders on abuse --- don't you have money of your own?
I am wondering also if it is possible that the living conditions in that home are possibly unsafe as well.
And if that is really true -- thatr your H cannot even provide the basics for you, like food --- this is sick and this is sad. GTFO of that marriage now. This is no place for you; run like hell.
And before you go, don't hesitate to tell this old bleep of a stbx MIL what you think of her and her divisiveness. Tell it like it is and don't spare the sentiment.:)
It's the 'norm' in my culture to move in with in-laws. Sadly, I should have hung out with them prior to our engagement(we had a traditional engagement, as well, where he had to send 5 men to come ask for me, blah blah blah...he didn't even COME to the engagement because his dad is so effing "traditional" and my family is just not that extreme!) so I could see what I was getting myself into. My MIL is CONSTANTLY in mine and my husband's conversations to the point where we have to basically whisper our conversations or go into the bedroom. His sister's refuse to speak to me because I'm making something of myself while one got married at 16 and the other two ran away and got married! When I spoke to his other relatives before the engagement, they didn't shut up about how hard working my husband was and whatever. Living in different states I did not witness anything, I just believed. All the 'good' talk stopped after we got engaged. He works at his family's restaurant since he was 14(he is 30 now) and hadn't gotten paid a day in his life until in October I said to his dad that he NEEDS to get paid so we can pay our own bills. He's supposed to get paid weekly but his dad gambles away their money and has $20 when he comes home from $2000. So basically, when his dad doesn't feel like gambling one night or giving money to whoever he's giving money to, he will pay my husband(not the full amount either.) Like right now, he owes my husband $2120. I told my husband to speak up or find another job but it's sad how petrified of his own father he is. His mother, too. I work a PT job making $8/hr AND I'm in school to become a teacher. I'm only 21! Mind you, NO ONE warned me of these conditions or anything and I wish they had done so. I was so naive. So, moving out is not looking good right now because my H is too scared to find another job. My mother is putting money into my bank account to get food and go grocery shopping just for myself because obviously they don't care if I eat, so I can go back on my diet. My mother said she supports my decision whatever it may be, but she told my sister, and my sister told me that she wants me OUT because she's scared for me to stay here. I want to leave but the only thing I'm worried about is school just because I've transferred so many times and may keep losing a lot of my credits. It's super complicated. My sister was willing to drive 15 hours to come get me because she wants me out. I want to leave, but I also don't want to be 21, divorced, and I just have unnecessary sympathy for my husband because his mother put into my head that he is getting old and he needs kids. Ummmm, let me see the fate of my marriage first and get a freaking INCOME to feed US before we make a baby to feed!
Also, I was NOT aware before my marriage that his parents put his name on EVERY bill and do not pay it so it's hurting his credit a LOT because his parents have horrible credit. And since they can't have credit cards, my FIL decides to ask me if he can use mine to pay a 500 bill and then will pay me back. Yeah, um, no thanks. I'm starting to think they didn't have kids, just slaves.
P.S. - This may just be a in law rant instead of a MIL rant, haha.
If I were you I would find a new place to live, with or without your H! This is a horrible situation that you are in.
I understand that living with the in laws is part of your culture but being treated like crap is not right no matter what culture you are from!
I would tell your H that you are going to be moving out and give him the choice to either stay with them, or come with you. If he chooses to stay, I would start the divorce process. If he chooses to come with you I would start couples counseling.
No matter what choose he makes I would do individual counseling!
He also needs to get his parents to stop putting his name on things if he chooses to live with you, this would be another deal breaker to me. He needs to take some responsibility for him self.
Good Luck!
I can appreciate that you and your husband grew up in this culture and that you must've been feeling enormous pressure to follow certain traditions and rules.
However.
Honey, nobody can FORCE you to do anything without a literal gun to your head. Your in-laws can yell, scream, cry, threaten, ignore or disown you and your husband all they want, but in the end they cannot force you to do anything. They didn't force you to move in with them, or for your husband to constantly take his mother's calls. The choice to accept this behavior ultimately lies with you and your husband. If you are both legal adults, and if you are living in a country where this kind of lifestyle is not mandated by law, then you have the freedom to say NO MORE and either move out with your husband, or to get a divorce if he refuses to support you.
How does your husband feel about all this? Is he going along with his family's wishes because he feels trapped, or because he agrees with them? If it's the former, then you need to talk to him and tell him that this isn't working and that you guys need to get out ASAP. If it's the latter ... well, you probably aren't going to change his mind. You can try counseling, but if in his heart he feels that this is the right way to live, then you either have to deal with it (and be miserable for the rest of your life) or end the marriage. I know that a divorce isn't a happy thing to think about, but honestly ... would you rather just end this sadness and start over (and possibly find someone else down the line who supports what you want), or would you rather stay in the marriage and be sad all the time?
I'm sure you and your husband (unless he is happy with these traditions) are afraid of his family getting angry and possibly disowning you. But stop and think about what a family actually is ... a family is not just a group of blood relatives. A family is a group of people that stands behind you and wants you to be happy. A family is not a group of people that makes demands of you, that dictates your behavior based on what the community might think of you, or that would cut you off if you don't follow a bunch of outdated traditions that make you unhappy. Chances are pretty high that if you guys were to move out, his family would eventually get over it. But if they hold a grudge for the rest of their lives, who the hell cares? What would you really be losing in that scenario ... a bunch of people who don't give two shiits that your "traditional" life is miserable? You need to ask your husband this.
If this was a case of random people on the street making these ridiculous demands of you, would you continue to associate with them? No, right? So why do you allow his family to push you around, just because they're blood relatives? Why should they be any different? And why do you care so much about hurting their feelings by going against their traditions, since they CLEARLY do not give a rat's_ass about yours if they are trying to make you do things that clearly make you unhappy? And this won't end once your in-laws pass away someday ... even if the family is only down to you and your husband someday, you are going to have to forever live with the knowledge that your husband (who is supposed to put you above all others) allowed his family to treat you that way. Would you ever be able to put that behind you?
Here's what you need to do - today or tomorrow, you need to go out somewhere with just your husband and talk to him. Don't do this in the house or with any relatives present. Tell him that you are very unhappy with his family's huge role in your life, and if you want your marriage to be a happy one then you both need to move out ASAP. See if he's on the same page as you ... if he is, then tell him that you need to act NOW before the marriage is ruined. Suggest seeing a counselor if need be. Maybe your mother or sister would allow you two to live with her until you can get better jobs and get on your feet. Talk to a lawyer (maybe look into pro bono options) or a financial professional about how to take care of your husband's credit and get his name off of his parents' bills. Even if you have to work hard to get your own place to live and to fix his credit, though, wouldn't it be a million times better than living under his parents' thumb all this time?
However, if he is happy with this arrangement and he refuses to do anything to change it, or if he's just too scared of Mommy and Daddy to put his wife first, then you have a choice to make. You can either stay where you are and accept that this will be the rest of your life ... or you can get your things and go stay with your mother or sister until you figure out what to do. The people who truly love you will understand and support whatever you do. The people who might shun you over this are the people who don't love you for yourself ... they only want you to be who THEY want to see. And that's not real love.
If you really want to make something out of your life, you need to leave this marriage. Your husband and his family will not change, and you don't have to live your life like this.
For you, being 21 and divorced will be better than being 21 and married.
Go home to your family, finish school, and live on your own for awhile before getting married again.
You made a mistake, but you don't have to let this mistake ruin your life.
Thank you guys SO much for all of your input. When me and H got into a heated argument a while ago, his parents chimed in(of course) and said that if I left to think about what I wanted to do, they would make damn sure I never saw or spoke to my husband ever again. I can't just drive to my sisters or mothers house since one lives in NY and the other in Mississippi, and I really wish I could
My sister brought up a great point that if I looked at my mother in law, that would be me in 35...just miserable. You would think my MIL would be better towards me since HER own mother in law was a devil to her. I live with my MIL's mother in law as well(hubbys grandma) and she's the only one I actually get along with in the house! I hear stories about how evil she is/was but I don't see it. She's the one always on my side and yells at my husband when she sees me upset. His parents on the other hand yell at me. Trust me, moving out is our first serious option to help our marriage, yet he just will not get a job and his dad isn't paying him, so it's not that simple. I want to wait until we move out to see if my husband then realizes the stuff I do and sacrifice for him. And if he doesn't, then I know that my marriage is legit doomed. I've spoken to him many, MANY times and he just brushes it off and says, "We have no money to move out." Sadly, it didn't hit me until AFTER we got married that he is 30 and never saw a paycheck in his life. For me, I have to be put in the situation to actually understand it and it sucks bad in this case. Now, this whole thing isn't all of their fault and I know it's mine too for not communicating with his family and stuff, especially if I'm marrying the guy so I apologize if people think I'm stupid for getting married. It's just unfortunate that I had to get into this situation completely blindsided.
I'm not sure my husband necessarily likes the traditions, but I just think he is brainwashed to accept them. Brainwash may seem like a strong word, but even my mother, when she met his parents and brother for the first time, said they seemed SO robotic when the father was around. It's true, they are all terrified of him.
I think a financial adviser is a great suggestion. I'm going to look into that, thank you!
This was not an arranged marriage, and yes, I'm DEFINITELY finishing school before I get into anything. I sure do see now how difficult it is.
Your sister offered to come get you, your mother is giving you money. You CAN get out if you want to.
Look, I know you want to try to live on your own with DH and see if it works. But the odds of him actually doing it are slim, and even if he does, his family will still be in your lives.
You have to face reality here...if you want to be happy you need to leave, without your husband.
This is one of those situations where all I really want to say is "love does NOT conquer all".
If your DH isn't on the same page as you, if he's content to stay there, if he scoffs at the idea of moving out - being in love w/ him is NOT going to conquer all these other problems. Is this really the life you want to live the rest of your life? Esp if you have kids?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
When me and H got into a heated argument a while ago, his parents chimed in(of course) and said that if I left to think about what I wanted to do, they would make damn sure I never saw or spoke to my husband ever again.
Sweetie, the only person who'd be able to keep your husband from seeing you is your husband himself. If he's serious about your marriage, then he'd tell his family to screw off and he'd come find you. They're only making these threats because they're confident that your husband would listen to them instead of listening to you, his wife.
I can't just drive to my sisters or mothers house since one lives in NY and the other in Mississippi, and I really wish I could
It sounds like they are MORE than willing to pick you up. Or maybe they could get you a plane or train ticket, if you can't afford one on your own. Pick up the phone and call them ASAP. There's no shame in asking for help. It sounds like they've offered it multiple times, and they wouldn't be offering to help if they didn't mean it (and if they didn't think you needed it). Don't tell the in-laws ... just call your family and get ready to go.
His parents on the other hand yell at me.
If your husband is allowing his parents to yell at you, then your marriage is in trouble. You need to tell/show your husband that you're not tolerating this garbage anymore. Traditions be damned. They're manipulating both of you with traditions and guilt so that they can get away with abusing you.
Trust me, moving out is our first serious option to help our marriage, yet he just will not get a job and his dad isn't paying him, so it's not that simple.
He's 30 years old. If he doesn't realize by now that all of this - his parents witholding money from him, his family treating you like dirt, him not having a job that's not dependent on his father's gambling addition - is bullshiit, then he is never going to realize it. He's not going to move away with you and suddenly come to his senses. He's making excuses because he just doesn't want to leave.
This isn't a matter of his family controlling him. At some point in one's adult life, they need to have the common sense to see what's right and what's wrong. Your husband surely realizes that this is no way to live ... he's either too afraid of change to make a break, or he's just too comfortable in this lifestyle to give it up. Either way, that's ultimately not your problem.
I want to wait until we move out to see if my husband then realizes the stuff I do and sacrifice for him. And if he doesn't, then I know that my marriage is legit doomed. I've spoken to him many, MANY times and he just brushes it off and says, "We have no money to move out." Sadly, it didn't hit me until AFTER we got married that he is 30 and never saw a paycheck in his life.
WHEN are you going to move out, though? Your husband's salary is totally dependent on his father ... someone who's perfectly willing to gamble away his son's money and to treat his daughter-in-law like dirt. You are getting money from your mother just to feed yourself. Where is this magical Moving Out Money going to come from?
Someone has to get hurt in this situation. Your husband is choosing to hurt YOU by refusing to move out and get a different job. He doesn't care about your "sacrifices." You've put in an honest effort and you're telling him that you can't do it anymore, and he isn't willing to make you happy. Do you really think that it'd be different if you were living in a different place? Do you really even think that you could convince him to move out if a boatload of money just magically fell into your laps? If he hasn't moved out by now because of their behavior, he's not going to.
For me, I have to be put in the situation to actually understand it and it sucks bad in this case. Now, this whole thing isn't all of their fault and I know it's mine too for not communicating with his family and stuff, especially if I'm marrying the guy so I apologize if people think I'm stupid for getting married. It's just unfortunate that I had to get into this situation completely blindsided.
You're not stupid. And it's not a matter of whose fault it is. You met someone, you got married, and now there's a problem with his family - it happens.
How is "communication" the problem here, though? This isn't a matter of you not finding the right words to say to his family. You don't have to negotiate with them or work to convince them to treat you right - you are who you are, and they can either accept it and be a positive part of your life, or they can treat you badly and therefore NOT be a part of your life. You are an adult, and if you don't like it there or if you don't like how you're being treated then you're free to leave. Your husband is also free to leave, if he chooses to do so. He might or he might not. But you need to realize that everyone has choices in life, and the only person's choices that you can control is your own. You cannot control how his parents treat you, and you cannot control whether or not your husband will support you, but you CAN control whether or not you're subjected to an unhappy situation.
I'm not sure my husband necessarily likes the traditions, but I just think he is brainwashed to accept them. Brainwash may seem like a strong word, but even my mother, when she met his parents and brother for the first time, said they seemed SO robotic when the father was around. It's true, they are all terrified of him.
What's his father going to do? Kill him? If it's a matter of physical violence then the police need to be called. Otherwise, if he's going to be mad or disown him, who cares? Why would he want to stay around someone who makes him afraid? That's not love or a family. That's manipulation.
I think a financial adviser is a great suggestion. I'm going to look into that, thank you! This was not an arranged marriage, and yes, I'm DEFINITELY finishing school before I get into anything. I sure do see now how difficult it is.
Ditto PP about birth control - make sure you use it, and don't tell your in-laws or leave it in a place where they can find or tamper with it. Be VERY careful.
Defintiely finish school if you can. However, realize that you can ALWAYS go back to school. You're still young, and there are plenty of resources to help you finish your education even if you can't stay in the same school - online courses, weekend and summer classes, community colleges, etc. For now, concentrate on getting yourself out of this living situation, figure out what's going on with your marriage, and then figure out how to finish your degree so that you can support yourself.
Please, honey, call your mom and sister and ask for help. Get out of there, and see what your husband does from there - he'll follow you and you can work things out, or he'll choose his family and then you can work on being an independent adult living how YOU want to live. I know that those options will either lead to family estrangement or a divorce, but you will get through either of them ... and in the end, you will have a healthy marriage with a supportive partner, or you will be a happy and independent woman who's living life on HER terms and not someone else's parents' terms. Either of those options is much better than living with a bunch of people who yell at you and make it a point to push you down and belittle you.
I'm sorry about your situation but if you want things to change, you need to take action.
You go to school, but why don't you work? If the family is gone all day long at the restaurant and you're home, what do you do? Find a part time job so you have some extra income and can buy yourself food.
You're of legal age to make the decision of getting married, but it sounds like you didn't really think things through.
Your MIL did NOT make your H bring his phone on your HM, and she definitely did not make him answer her calls. Those were his choices.
If you can live with your sister or mother (with or without your H), do so. Your current living situation is toxic. Save your money, create a budget, come up with a plan, get a job, live your life WITHOUT your inlaws. If they want to ever see their future grandkids, maybe they'll listen. If not, oh well. You should be your H's top priority, not his parents.
Good luck.
I was involved in an arranged marriage when I was 18 to another Orthodox Jew (if this is your culutural background PM right away and I can get you out. Even from KJ if you need it)
Anyway, there is nothing for a young ambitious woman in a cultural trap like that. I've been married 10+ years now to a man who I chose and who chose me. Your mother will help you; let her.
I see a few things here:
It's not that simple. I make under $160 every two weeks and he isn't getting a paycheck weekly like he should be. My two week check barely makes our car payment, which is $278.26/month and we pay our bedroom furniture monthly for a minimum or $168/month. Plus we use my credit card because we do not have cash, so we also have that bill to pay. We pay monthly for my school and are doing minimum for our credit card bill. So, no, it's not that simple, you know...
I do work. I work in retail for $8/hr.I've been trying hard to save but it's hard.BTW, thanks for all the nice feedback, everyone
I'm reading a lot of excuses, to be honest. You've been given options by your mom and sister. YOU can leave. I know you want to try and stick it out for your DH, but seriously... you've GOT to realize that this is who he is, this is what his family is, and nothing is going to magically change on it's own.
Hoping and wishing isn't going to fix anything.
If you don't do something, then nothing will ever, ever change. School is important, but it's not more important than your life.
Quite honestyl, if you get out - that's going to be the real test for your DH. What does he do in response? Stay? Give you a bunch of "but I can't.... my parents.... what will they think"? Or will he realize that in order to keep you, he has to leave too?
If it's the prior, well, then you'll really have your answer - his family will absolutely always come first before you. if by some miracle it's the latter - well then, you'll have started the ball rolling to get some REAL change in your lives!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Actually, this is easy. He has so much restaurant experience, it would be very easy for him to go get a job which gives him a real paycheck. He just needs to man up and do it regardless of what his family thinks.
Leave, just leave. You have nothing but a lifetime of misery ahead of you. He will not change and I know you love him but it sounds like he doesn't even like you all that much.
Trust me, there is no fixing this. This is his character down to his core being and that just doesn't change. Get out, go to school, get a job and then look for a man with similar goals, values, beliefs and interests. Also look for a man with character, a man who will make you a priority in his life.
Yeah, I realize I am making excuses reading back but it's just really hard. I guess I'm trying to go around it. My whole point for posting this was to get opinions from others who do not know me or my husband, just our situation...like an outside opinion.
Nobody here was mean to you. Several people are being blunt, because frankly, that's what you need to hear right now. People being "nice" to you isn't going to get you out of this situation. If all you want is to vent, then say so, but don't complain when people give you their opinion on how to fix this.
I get that it's tough. I'm sure everyone else here understands that you're not in a good spot right now. But the point is that if you don't take charge of your life and make a change, SOON, you're going to be stuck like this for the rest of your life.
You're going to find more and more excuses as to why you can't leave. Your husband is going to grow more and more accustomed to living this way. Your in-laws are going to keep learning what tactics they can use to manipulate you, and they're going to keep withholding your husband's money and destroying his credit, and destory the self-esteem of the two of you. You're going to accumulate more and more debt and dig yourself in further. Your marriage is going to weaken because you're going to get more and more resentful of your husband for allowing his family to treat you this way. There might be a baby added to this mix somewhere down the line, as careful as you might be. You might think, "I've already lived like this for [x months, years], so what's a little longer?" The longer you live like this, the harder it is to get out. If you think it's hard now, then wait and see how much harder it's going to be once you've lived like this for a few years and you REALLY feel stuck.
Your mom and sister are willing to help you. Take them up on their offer!!! Call them and ask them to get you out of there, and stay with one of them until you can get a better-paying job and get back on your feet. You can delay school a little while and then go back when you're in a better place in life.
If you leave, your husband will follow you if he's truly committed to making your marriage work. Is that what's holding you back? Are you afraid that he WON'T follow you? If he'd end your marriage because you left his family's home because you were miserable, then that's not a healthy marriage anyway. All you'd be doing is saving yourself a lot of time, money and heartbreak if you ended things now. You staying in his family's house and enduring their bullshiit just to prove your devotion to him isn't doing a damn thing ... turn the tables and make HIM show HIS devotion to you and your marriage. You've already put enough into this relationship, so now it's his turn. You can't do it all.
If it's meant to be, then he'll work through it and build a life with you. Not just act like a man-child and expect you to keep your mouth shut and go along with it.
That's where you need to do some soul searching. What do you really want for your life? Both individually and in an marriage?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I don't get what you mean by "trying to go around it." Are you saying that you're looking for things to say to your in-laws to get them to stop bossing you around and yelling at you? Because if that's the case, then please realize that there is NOTHING you can do to change the way they treat you. You could be a perfect angel who obeys their every command and they would still treat you like dirt. All you can control is your own actions - so you can either keep quiet and let them do whatever they want to you, or you can leave and attempt to be happy elsewhere.
And what kind of "outside opinion" are you looking for? An opinion on whether your in-laws are out of line? They absolutely are out of line, yes. But ultimately you and your husband are to blame for allowing them to treat you this way. They might be the cruelest people on earth, but there is nothing short of a literal gun to your head that is forcing you to put up with being treated this way.
Look, the fact is, an unpleasant decision is going to have to be made here. Your choices are to put up with it and be miserable for maybe the rest of your life; to leave and have your husband follow you and then deal with the fallout from his family (or just cut them from your lives once and for all so that you DON'T have to deal with it); or leave and wind up getting a divorce because your husband didn't follow you, and then you have to rebuild your life (and figure out a way to be a happy single person or to find someone else who's more respectful of your happiness).
There is one option here that will lead to you being completely miserable for a very long time, and two options that will have a sad period in the beginning but will eventually lead to you being happy. I would personally take my chances on those two.
So, how exactly how did you and your DH meet? How long did you date? How much of that is long distance?
It seems that you married too young to someone you didn't know very well. It's okay to admit you made a mistake and move on.
I'm still confused that you only make $160 every 2 weeks. Yes, I get you work in retail for $8/hr, but how many hours are you working? Why are you not able to go to school and work full time? It's difficult, yes, but I know plenty of people (including myself) that do it. How long have you been at your current job? Have you considering looking for other jobs that could pay more money? Unemployment rates are high, I totally get that, and I'm not saying finding a job is easy by any means, but have you tried? What about your H? If he's been working in the family restaurant for 15+ years, then he could 'easily' find another job at a different location and receive an actual paycheck. (Okay, it may not be easy, but if he has THAT much experience and knows his way around a restaurant, I'm sure something could come up).
I'm currently a nanny. I don't love it, and I'll be leaving mid-June because the mother is a teacher and she'll be home for the summer, but I needed a job asap last September and it was the only job I could find that was going to hire me asap and would allow me time off for my wedding/HM. I take care of 3 children, and some days I just have the 9 month old. She's a lot of work and I stay busy but when she's napping, I use the time to productively do homework. I make $10/hr, and to me, that's on the low-end but it was much better than the minimum wage jobs I could find.
This is a cultural mess.
To the OP:
What do you want to do?
Ask yourself that --- and then do it.
I'm all for asking your mother to forward you a jet ticket home --- there is also a bus or a train, perhaps, that will take you home.
I still am floored that your H isn't even providing food -- this is a basic necessity!
And of course you know that your FIL is breeching pretty much several labor laws. Payroll is payroll and labor laws regarding when an employee is supposed to be paid are to be followed.