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I'm unsure how to feel about this, advice?
I had a date this weekend with someone I dated several times about two months ago. I had sort of blown him off and so I suggested we meet for dinner and was pleasantly surprised when he agreed.
I met him at the restaurant and we had a great time. The conversation flowed. He updated me on a recent work trip to MX City he'd just been on, I was really attracted to him, etc, etc. He's also a real gentleman in the fact that he stands up when I leave the table, when I return, opened my car door for me, etc. He has great manners.
When the check came he reached for it and I said "wait, no, I invited YOU, let me pay" so he handed it over without hesitation and went to the restroom. He didn't offer to leave a tip or anything. My instinct was to be a little miffed by the fact that he at least didn't offer to pay for the tip or argue a little more with me. It just felt a little strange, but I also acknowledge that I TOLD him I was going to pay, so he was just letting me do what I said I wanted. Maybe I am spoiled because most first, second or third dates I've been on the guy refuses to let me pay no matter how much I argue.
Feel free to tell me I'm way off base here. Maybe that's what I need. Because other than that we had a really good time. I just have a little bit of a strange feeling about the night because that was one of the last things that happened. I think I'm also confused because he's so incredibly chivalrous in other ways. Thoughts?
Re: I'm unsure how to feel about this, advice?
honestly, i don't think it's a big deal. yeah, he could have offered to pay for the tip, but maybe he didn't have cash? i think if everything else was good, i would go out with him again.
why did you stop talking to him originally?
I tend to expect the guy to pay. That being said, if I offer to pay (because it was my idea, or I'm taking him out for a special occasion, or he just had a rough day), it's because I *want* to treat, and I fully expect to pay the tip. It's weird to me to split who pays the bill and who pays the tip. If you're treating, treat! If you're being treated, accept it and enjoy it!
ETA: I never carry cash. Ever. I went out with a friend and expected to pay my half of dinner with my credit card, and he offered to pay the full thing but asked me to leave the tip, and I was REALLY caught off guard. Thankfully, I had like $10 on me, and he chipped in a couple $$ to bring it up to a decent tip.
Agreed. I never completely stopped talking to him but I had just gotten the results of my test back and I was really upset. I also wasn't sure if I was into him. Then I dated a few people since him and kept comparing them to him so I thought, why not go out again and see where it leads?
I was also annoyed that he wanted to talk on the phone every night when it's too hard for me to do that. I told him last night that talking on the phone is difficult for me with DS and just being really busy. I said I know he's not a huge texting fan but that's just the easiest thing for me. He said that was fine and we'd just improvise. I really could have communicated that more to him the first time around instead of just getting upset and not telling him the reason.
I agree..If I offer, I expect to pay for it all. It sounds like he has great manners otherwise, so I think you might have just thrown him off? I wouldn't put too much thought into it.
Honestly, I think my stbxh spoiled me. Before him I always offered, and actually often paid (mainly because the guys I dated were lazy bums). The stbxh actively REFUSED to let me pay for anything for the entire first year we dated. Nice, but a little overwhelming...and perhaps patronizing.
Now that I'm dating again, I always offer, and have generally been rebuffed, but I don't think I'd be miffed if someone took me up on my offer to pay. Yes, the free meals are nice, but if you offer to pay, I don't really think you can be offended when someone takes you up on that offer - especially if you're the one who did the inviting. :: shrug ::
ETA: D asked me ahead of time if I would be offended if he didn't let me pay, I told him I wouldn't be, but asked if we could go halfsies. We joked about it for awhile, and he agreed...until he learned that I'm still looking for work. At which point he told me I could be mad if I wanted, but there was no way he was going to let me pay for a date while I was unemployed.
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DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Great point. I appreciate this advice because I'm the queen of reading too much into it.
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I personally get offended when people offer to pay the tip after I say I am paying for the check. If I offer to pay I mean the whole check tip included.
I actually think it speaks volumes for this guy that he initially reached to pay for the check but in the end let you pay it without argument. It shows (IMO) that he sees you as an equal and not like it's his responsibility to pay for things. Perhaps the women he normally dates don't offer to pay and he liked being treated for once.
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
We had only been on two dates in the past. The first date, he picked up the tab but I did the "reach". He said "when I say I've got it, that means, I've got it". he said "if it bothers you that much next time we go out you can pay". He said he was all for things being equal and wasn't one of those guys who would never let a woman pay. So when we went out again (to a much more casual, less expensive restaurant) I picked up the tab.
After I paid last night he said " well I will get you next time".
I think it's fine and I am probably reading way to much into it, as usual.
Honestly, it sounds like you're looking for something to be wrong.
Relax.
This is why men find women confusing. You offer to pay, but you don't actually want to pay. You want him to pay, but want to put on a show that you are willing to pay, even though deep down inside you don't want to.
I think he is completely in the right here, and actually a good sign that it's not a blow to his ego or something for the woman to pay.
You're right, 100%.
His words and actions are very clear here. When he says he's got it he's got it so he didn't want you to argue with him. When you said you've got he assumed you've got it and didnt argue. You paid this time so he will pay next time. It all seems very logical and fair to me.
If it was me it wouldn't bother me because you said you were going to pay... and he let you.
He can't read your mind and realize that "I am going to pay" means "I actually want you to leave the tip or fight me on this".
It's just dinner... if you had fun and he makes you laugh and feel good than just enjoy it.
Yeah, you are reading too much into it. I think he made his stance on paying pretty clear the first time around.
I agree with this!
PDX hit the nail on the had. You said you wanted to pay and he let you. Don't offer to pay if you don't mean it. Also the sentence I bolded and the fact that you're upset about him taking you up on your offer to pay don't jive. Say what you mean, don't expect him to read between the lines. I think your resolution to communicate more is a good one and will help the relationship be successful, when something like this arises you just have to remind yourself of it!
Thank you. I do love your advice!
I think this falls under the Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus type of communications. Guys don't read between the lines nor do they imply conversations like women do.
I tend to be an old fashion girl myself but I am more and more aware now that the standards have changed so much in today?s society. I think people in general are just at loss on how to respond as we don't want to assume anything to avoid making the other person offended so it is better to communicate clearly what you need, expect and want instead of leaving it up to the person to guess.
He reached for it. And you said NOPE, I invited YOU, my treat. Which is entirely appropriate. You're the hostess, you are supposed to pay.
The only thing not appropriate here is your annoyance that he didn't pick up the check on a dinner YOU were the hostess for.
If you really expected him to pay, you should not have reached for the check and told him you would take care of it.
Ditto. And if I were him I would run far away from someone who plays these little games. It's immature.
Hey, point taken. I knew there was a high possibility that someone would say this and maybe you're right. But I appreciate the honest advice and I agree with what you're saying. It was immature to feel that way.
he listened to what you told him you wanted--that is a good thing!
If I was in your position and the guy ignored me or tried to put up a fight, I would be really annoyed.