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First post here MIL problems
My MIL has a history of being horribly mean to me but doing it ONLY when DH isn't around to hear her. This is an almost 10 year history of her being rude. It started with our wedding planning and is continuing today. My husband and I have 3 children together and I have an older son from a previous relationship. Our 3 smaller boys have special needs. One of my 6 year olds has autism and learning disabilities as well as communication issues. His twin has Global Developmental Delays and we believe he also is on the spectrum. Our 4 year old has a genetic syndrome called 16p11.2 duplication, autism, communication disorders, etc.
I got called for jury duty and will need help for about 45 minutes after our kids get home from school to have someone stay with them. I called up MIL, on DH's suggestion, and asked if she could help for this week in April where I may or may not have to serve on a jury. We all know it could be a day and I'm dismissed or I could end up serving on a jury and it could last the full week. We have asked my MIL for help 3 other times since September. One was to stay for parent/teacher conferences as my husband works 2nd shift and couldn't get off. I couldn't take our kids. I asked her to stay with our twins mid February so we could go to the geneticist for our youngest and we didn't have to pull the twins out of school for the day. The third time was this past Friday when I went to a doctors appointment that I needed to go to and couldn't schedule during school hours. We can't find a babysitter as everyone is scared to stay with my kids. Our 4 year old has speech but isn't able to be understood. Our 6 year old has speech but is anti-social. We have looked on places like sittercity or care.com and those interested wanted something like $50 dollars an hour! We can't afford that nor should I have to pay that much. I don't want to come across as if I think she SHOULD do this but we can't afford $50 dollars an hour just to have me serve on a jury. When I called to ask how long the days were I was told to be prepared to be done around 4 pm every day.
She babysits my nieces 3-4 times a week from 9 am to 9 pm and has done so from the time they were born. She also keeps the girls on some weekends so BIL can go to church functions. MIL has told me she keeps my nieces because BIL goes to church. MIL told me she has "raised my children" and she thinks DH and I should be able to take care of our children. She did babysit our twins while they were newborn for several months while I worked for about 2 hours a day. In her book, this was raising them. I am really hurt. I feel like she's picked our 3 and a half year old nieces over our kids. She goes on and on about how smart/advanced/amazing the girls are in front of me while I'm struggling to have my child speak. She's made comments to me about how my child will end up in a group home all because "I didn't eat right while pregnant and caused his genetic change"
While on the phone I told her I couldn't NOT show up to jury duty and clearly she wouldn't help us out so I'd have to have DH take a week's vacation to cover me if need be. Her response was that it is my responsibility for child care and he shouldn't have to take of work just because I can't get out of jury duty. I cut her off and talked to DH about this. He agreed she was wrong but doesn't want to say anything to her since he's worried he'll upset her.
So here are my issues 1. My husband doesn't have the guts to stick up for me. He is too much of a mama's boy. He has stuck up for me in the past but IMO, this is a "group" issue as she said she is raising our children. He was upset that she said this but doesn't want to upset her. IMO, he's not sleeping with her at night. It is ME he needs to defend NOT her. I could understand if I was nasty to her but I wasn't. and 2. Without cutting her off, what else can I do to have her stop spewing such crappy things to me? The last time I did cut her off, she called up DH and told him to either divorce me or she'd disown him. WE didn't talk to her for months until I was told I was horrible by a family member. If we cut her off it will cause another issue with the extended family.
Like I said before I don't think she OWES us anything but we are in a bind. It's not like I've asked for much. We ask her for help as a last resort. I am not able to get out of jury duty as the caregiver to disabled children. We can't afford the money to pay for a babysitter as everyone is afraid of my children's diagnoses rather than getting to know them for them not just their labels.
Re: First post here MIL problems
Call the jury duty coordinator. You can get out of it, usually, when you have issues with your kids (finding daycare, etc). If you're honest with them and upfront, I'm sure they'll give you a pass.
Call the # on your summons card. Explain to them that you have 3 special needs children and no one to help you with them. If that doesn't work, take them with you the first day, they will send you home faster than you can say, jury duty.
As for your mother-in-law, my husbands mother blamed me until her death that my daughter's Rett Syndrome (genetic disease), was caused by my being induced when I was pregnant with her (I was a week late). Anyway, I took it for years, and I finally had enough. I called my husband at work one evening after she started in on me again and told him that I would not put up with it ever again. He finally stood up for me and called her and let her have it. She never mentioned it again. I will never believe he changed her mind, but he at least stopped her from her accusations to me directly.
You need to have a "come to Jesus talk" with your husband.
And I would never ask her to keep them again. Maybe you can find other parents in your area that you can swap with or find another relative or friend who can help you out.
Hugs!
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
I'm sure you can get out of jury duty. I had one dependent child under age 2 when I was summoned and I was able to send them a note and I was excused. You shouldn't have a problem explaining why you are the sole person to take care of your children who NEED you.
And your MIL... you should never ask her again. She isn't worth your frustration.
He needs to realize that grown up stand up to their parents -- and that when a man gets married his wife comes first, not his mother.
That he's got a problem standing up to his mother is your biggest hurdle.
I would make the counseling a must, if I were you.
I also would tell that nasty divisive old bleep that she will no longer see your kids because of how rotten and mean she is -- and stick to your guns -- and tell your H exactly that, also.
These 2 need a wake up call, stat. He needs to put her in her place and she needs to start treating your children kindly and with love and generosity.
You might try a special ed teacher or a special ed student for babysitting. See if you have any luck with that route. GL.
Wow, how dreadful.... and I would not let this wonderful extended family sway you and your H. I would not answer any of their calls, their texts or emails or snail mail -- ignore anything that you are sent; to me, that would be harassment and make it clear that their nasty comments will be considered as such.
This entire bunch needs to be nipped in the bud. This is why your H needs counseling to learn how to stand up to them and not fear the repercussions.
This is after the fact and long after the horse got out of the barn, but if this entire bunch of skunks was this bad while you were dating your H, you should have lain flaming skid marks and got out of that relationship stat.
YOu've got enough on your plate and this entire bunch is adding to the mess and misery.
Good luck with them, they really sound like quite the can of worms. Ugh.
Well, to start off, I really think you can get out of jury duty. I take being called to jury duty seriously (I feel it is the least a citizen can do), but if you can't find childcare for your special needs children - - you should be able to be excused for that and not feel to badly about not showing!
Are you sure when MIL said "I've raised my children" she didn't mean she already put in her time as a parent, and now doesn't want to babysit grandkids? That's a huge difference from feeling that she raised your kids.
Even if you are in a bind, your MIL isn't obligated to babysit. And even though she sits for your nieces....three boys are very different than three girls! Add to that the fact that your sons are special needs (including communication issues) - - babysitting may be a daunting task for her.
I had a friend who had three girls (not special needs). The grandma would only sit for two at a time because that was all she had the energy for. Yes, the youngest was "slighted," but grandma had to be honest about what she could handle.
But.....not that I'm totally on MILs side. She sounds pretty horrible. I would stop communicating with her, and let her precious son do all of the calling from now on. That includes arranging times for her to visit, and for you to visit her, gifts, calls for holidays, etc. Keep your distance and she won't get the opportunity to be rude to you when H isn't around. Tell your H you are letting him be in charge b/c if you talk with MIL too often, you get annoyed with her.
I realize that you feel that money is tight...have you considered getting a part time job while your boys are in school? Even something like being a lunch aid would bring in some extra money. If you had a little extra spending money, you could train a babysitter as a mother's helper while you are there, so that the sitter could get to know your boys and learn about them as kids, not a diagnosis. I babysat for a special needs child (CP), and it took several times "helping" with the mother in the home before I was able to sit for the child without the mom present....and those extra times gave me more confidence.
I would also add....there may be services that you qualify for due to your sons diagnosis. I'm sure the sitting problem is one that many share, so if you belong to a support group, bring up the topic.
Setting that aside - your MIL is horrible, but she's not obligated to watch your children. She's not an option, so stop considering her to be one. Try to get out of jury duty, or see if your DH really needs to take a full week of vacation just in case you get called (is his job really that inflexible? Can he just keep his boss in the loop and only take the day(s) if necessary?)
Your MIL isn't obligated to watch your kids, but you're not obligated to have a relationship with her. I'd tell your DH "honey, you do whatever you want with your mother, but I'm not able to be close to her right now. I'm going to keep my distance so if you want her to be in touch with us via the phone or visits, it's going to be up to you." Ignore what other family members say, as ultimately it's none of their business.
DS1 born June 2008 | m/c at 9w March 2011 | DS2 born April 2012
First, call the courts and explain that you have special needs children and you can't find appropriate care for them. If necessary, send them some type of proof that shows their diagnoses and type of care they need.
Second, your MIL doesn't want to watch your kids and it's probably because she doesn't feel comfortable with them. Maybe it's scary for her, maybe she's overwhelmed. Either way, she obviously can't handle it so I wouldn't want her to watch them anyway.
Third, DH needs to stand up to his mom and tell her that he puts his wife and children first and if she insults you again, it will be the last time he speaks to her.
On your MIL...
You say you dont' expect her to watch them, but yet it's clear you do kind of expect her. You're comparing how much she watches her neices compared to your sons.
You're in a rough spot and it's really too bad taht you don't have someone to rely on. But... just because she's the grandmother doesn't mean she "has" to be willing to watch your kids.
however, I agree w/ Tarpon - your DH needs a come to Jesus talk, and you really need to not worry about the extended family. You need to back away from your MIL as much as possible.
As for getting help w/ your kids - I would suggest talking to some of the specialists you see for your boys and their support staff. Ask them if they know of people who are capable and willing to babysit special needs children. Heck - some of them might be willing themselves. but if not themselves, they may actually know people who could help you out, and for less than $50!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
MIL said "I've raised your children for 6 years and it's time you start taking care of your own kids. We did rely on help when the twins were newborn and after I had our youngest. She had helped for several months when the twins were newborn. I was able to get a long term sub job and didn't want to pass it up since I want to get a full time job in the schools around here. We didn't ask for it; she had offered at the time. She had babysat twins and a younger around the same age range and had more experience. I also had severe PPD after our youngest. I went to therapy once a week for 18 months.
She had some nasty things to say around our twins first birthday which is why we cut her off the first time. She had called everyone in her family and told them to come to their birthday party on a different day/time because the day we chose didn't "work for her". I had asked her to call everyone back and tell them SHE was out of line. We had chosen the day and time that worked for us and didn't need to ask her permission.
I understand that there are differences. I guess I would have thought she'd understand that we can't find babysitting and have no support. My family is 5 hours away. Dh works long hours so it's me only most of the time.
I have tried applying to substitute in the local schools here so I could pick and chose when to work as right now we have on average 2-3 appointments per week. I am a tutor for special needs kids on the weekend which brings in a whole $70 a week which I use to pay for school lunches and buy necessities for the boys. I do belong to a support group but can only attend when DH takes off of work to let me. It's a group of friends who all have SN kids who go out once a month for dinner and to talk. As far as other services, we don't qualify for what is out there that is based on income. DH doesn't make much but is still over. We had applied for SSDI to help for our 4 year old so we could get him specific therapies and we were told we didn't qualify. In NJ they go by financial guidelines and make it impossible to get the help.
I do like your idea about training someone to help. I will have to look into that since I'm sure something will come up again and we'll be in a bind. I have no issue doing this jury duty if I could manage finding someone to help for that 45 minutes or so during the day. I also agree it is an important job.
She was wonderful until about 2 months before the wedding when she realized we were serious about where we were having our wedding, when we were having it, etc. We got married in a small church that doesn't have services any more. It's about a 150 year old church that stopped having services regularly in the 20's. My grandparents took on the job of the upkeep of it. I had said something to DH about wanting to get married there at one point before he had proposed and he remembered. HE suggested getting married there. That, and the cost. It was around $100 per person around here at the time we were planning and $15 per person where we got married. We had planned on paying for the wedding and needed to look at cost. We were able to have a small, just over 100 people wedding rather for a small fraction of the price. SHE was upset about having to leave her dogs and pay for a hotel. She ended up renting an RV and parking it in my parent's back yard and brought her dogs. I was more worried about my grandfather who was in a wheelchair and couldn't go long distances without having complications. He had cancer and was rather ill when we got married. We had upped the date so he would be able to see us get married.
I had a long response and the nest is acting up. I guess I want her to WANT to spend time with our boys every once in a while. I don't necessarily thing it has to be by babysitting them but she could spend time with them in our presence as well. In a way I feel like she's choosing our nieces as they don't have developmental issues. She's choosing the "perfect" grandchildren and has made it quite clear that our children are considered less than perfect. In my eyes, their diagnosis is just a part of who they are as people just like their eye color and their personality.
It was DH's birthday otherwise I would have pushed it more. I have a feeling she's going to know I'm pissed since I'm not going to be calling any time soon. DH relied on me to make calls to her about funny things the boys have done or things they are doing well on since he works long hours. We have come a long way, in the past he didn't believe that his mother was capable of such hatred. He has taken on issues but I'm assuming she made a comment to him about things. IMO, at 41 he needs to grow up. She has made comments to us about how the boys having developmental delays is my fault and my faulty eggs must have caused everything. We are in a genetic study right now since the 16p syndrome is very rare. It turns out both my husband and my MIL carry the same duplication. She didn't say anything except my HEG must have caused all the issues since she gained 85 pounds while pregnant with DH. I puked for 26 weks and had ivs to get nutrition.
I like the suggestion of asking some of my boys' therapists. I have a meeting with the director of special ed in our district next week and can ask if she has any suggestions. I am running an advocacy group in our district and we are meeting to discuss when we are having a larger meeting next.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I wouldn't let someone watch my kids that said I was responsible for their genetic issues because of what I ate while pregnant. She sounds terrible. My MIL (now deceased) never did a damn thing for us or our kids while she was alive but was always doing stuff for her other grandchildren. I couldn 't control it and in the end it was she who missed out on time with my amazing kids. I had to accept that she was who she was and wasn't going to change. When I stopped asking her to see the kids or expecting more from her I was happier. sometimes two people just don't like one another. You clearly don't like her and she may or may not like you. Accept it and let it go.
You can get out of jury duty. Postpone it and in the meantime work on getting a sitter who you can call in a pinch.
DH's stepmother would treat our children differently from her bio-grandkids, and that was enough for me to cut off communication. I would not for one second put up with the treatment she has given you.
I agree that you need to cut MIL off - at least from your end. Your DH can feel free to call his mom, but you will no longer be the one providing updates. She wants to know what your kids are doing? She can carry her butt to your home (while dh is there!).
Have you thought about contacting a local college? There are so many teachers' colleges in NJ (or even a community college)....there must be students who are training to be special ed teachers who could sit at a much more reasonable rate. Maybe post on a jobs board there. I do think it would be smart if you were there for the first time or two...as much for your boys' comfort as for the sitter.
In thinking about this more - why exactly do you want her to be around your boys? Outside of "Oh, but she's their grandmother!".
If she were just a friend, an acquaintance, and she had the attitude she has and said the things she said - would you allow her around your boys?
I ask because outside of her being blood - I'm truly wondering why you'd want her to have a relationship with them. She is a person first. In her "list" of titles in life, "grandmother" is a title that was placed on her- she didn't ask for it, she didn't earn it.
I know we all have an ideal in our head of how we WANT life to go, and the kind of grandparent we WANT in our kids lives. But she's not a grandparent first. She's a human first. And seemingly not a very nice one.
So.... why are you trying so hard to get her involved in your kids lives? Honestly, I'd say that her lack of desire to want to be involved is actually to your benefit. Easier to keep her away...
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Call, you should be able to easily get out of jury duty.
You DO expect your MIL to babysit, I don't know why you keep saying you don't. Obviously that's why you have a problem. You expect her to say yes to this because you're in a bind, even if she can't/doesn't want to. really it doesn't matter what her reasons are, if I was her I'd get annoyed at your trying to talk me into something that I clearly don't want to do or am not comfortable with doing.
As sucky as it is, you need to find a different person that can baby sit because she is clearly not working out. Just because she's family doesn't mean she has to babysit (even if you are stuck).
I do agree that your husband needs to deal with the extended family though, you should not be the one asking your MIL for these things anymore.
Noway, I do need to cut off communication and let DH be the one to do it. The thing is that I don't dislike her even with the hate she has showed me. I just don't always enjoy her either. I'm kind of indifferent if that makes sense. I would much rather NOT spend time with her but who would after what she has said? What sucks is that we WERE closer and even worked on things after DH and I got married. Before I had our 3 small kids I'd take her out places and do things with her. Right after DH and I got married her mother passed away. I would take MIL out to eat, to the movies, shopping, etc just to get her away at times. She would make comments that she enjoyed spending time with me and felt closer to me than to my SIL. SIL has been with BIL since she was 14. She's now 35.
Wahoo, Rutgers is about 30 minutes away. I could also call them. RVCC is also close to us. The only time we really had a babysitter was when I was going to college. She wasn't really good and I ended up having to clean up after her. I was going to college full time to finish my master's degree. We looked for someone else but we'd be able to find someone who would last a day or so and that's it. Other than that, we had one person once that we used when I was pregnant with our youngest son. We had the kid come over when the twins were sleeping already.
The only reason I'd like her around is because she is their grandmother. She nagged us for years about wanting to be a grandmother and was thrilled when she became one. As soon as we knew the boys had SN she pulled away.
If she were anyone other than a relative I would have told her where to shove it long ago. I've reamed people out for the way they look/talk/perceive my boys. I let DH do that because it is his mom. The few times my mother has made comments I've asked her to stop.
Littleblackdress, my issue isn't so much as she doesn't want to babysit my kids as much as it is she doesn't care about my kids. She has made it obvious that they are 2nd class citizens. My issue is about the inequity that she has shown. I don't want her affection for my children to be conditional.
But where you're "wrong" is that she has clearly shown to you over and over and over that SHE doesn't want to be very involved, and she's out and out said some really nasty things to you about why your boys are the way they are.
And with all that- you STILL are trying to make her want to be involved. That's where the problem lies. You aren't dealing w/ the reality of the situation.
And beyond her being a "grandparent", I"m honestly a little baffled as to why, at this stage of the game, you'd actually want her to be around your boys. What has she done to deserve that honor?!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I guess I need to discuss with DH why we need to back off from her. Obviously my expectations are off as to what I think should be going on.
DH agreed for me to apply for jobs out of state and have us move if need be. THIS was a big step for him. If we aren't here it might be easier on me. It's not like was have a support system anyway.
MIL hasn't done anything to deserve the honor of grandparent other than being biologically connected to DH. I feel I'm in a situation of damned if I do and damned if I don't. If I do, I'm treated like caca and if I don't I'm wrong for having her not involved with my children.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
YES. What are the consequences for him at home with you for being a pantywaist with his mom? With as nasty as she has been with you, why are you ever even bothering with her, rather than saying "Hell no, DH, your mom is nasty to me all the time, and I won't be around her ever"?