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Ex mother in law asking for a gift back
Okay so my divorce is finally over and now my mother in law is asking for a gift of a pendant that she gave me several years ago
Im taking a poll:
give it back?(for what I don't know, it was a gift)
or keep it(and tell her what I think)
here is the background: my mother in law had a bunch of old jewelry that she said she would never wear again and set aside a pendant for me because she thought I would like it. She did tell me my ex husbands father gave her this pendant but she would never wear it ever again since it was from him (she has been married to a different man since my ex was 5, he is now 32) she offered me any other jewelry also but I declined.
During the entire rough time with my marriage my mother in law made excuses etc, for my husbands awful actions. I even thought I would try to work on marriage because I thought that is what was right. She was mean and unsymapathetic and in fact stopped speaking to me entirely. Basically his family turned their back on me when I needed their support and my family never did that to him.
So now I have gotten 2 emails from my ex asking for the pendant back. The first one I ignored. I just sent him an email explaing that the situation is between his mother and I and she should contact me directly to discuss it. I rather enjoy that gift and she was right to think I would. I know I seem a bit bitchy but what do I owe her, and who asks for a gift back anyways. I would never dream of my parents asking for a gift back.
Re: Ex mother in law asking for a gift back
Give it back. It was a gift with some family attachment to it, your ex's father had given it to your ex mil,right? Come on.
No, you don't owe it to her. Yes, it'd be the decent thing to do, since it's 'heirloomy'.
I'd give it back. It just adds extra drama if you don't.
Plus if it was given to her by her mother or whatever it has some significance and she might want to keep it in the family even if she'll never wear it herself. It's just the nice thing to do.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree with you that this is between you and your XMIL- I would just ignore your XH and discuss it with her. Maybe it is because of things that went down during my own divorce but I'd be suspicious that your XH was just using this as a way to push your buttons.
ETA: When my XH asked for certain items back that his family had given me, I contacted them to make arrangements to return those items. It turned out that they had not asked for anything back. He was just trying to get items of value to pawn and hurt me in the process.
An American Girl's Travels
I'm probably the only one here who wouldn't even care about this. I probably wouldn't even respond to an email asking for a gift back. That's tacky, and I don't have time to entertain ex-MIL being tacky. Especially if she was rude to me in the past.
If it REALLY means something to her (which from your post, it sounds like she doesn't even like it), even if it were nice, it's jewelry... It can be replaced with something similar. But I certainly wouldn't go out of my way to return it. She can pick it up off my front porch if she wants it back.
that is what I was wondering too!
I just understand the thought process of some people, and she even told me she didn't care about the pendant. I have always been the bigger person in this relationship even with all of the thing my husband did to me and I don't want to fight about it. I do secretly wish I could tell her what I thought if she did call me and ask for it back though!
he even had the nerve to ask me to pay him for couches if they didn't fit in the pod that he was going to put them in!! Oh geez this guy makes me laugh so hard. I said nope I don't want them, they are yours my friend!
I had an ex-FI who had a mother like this. She had forced me to take some of her crap jewelry, I didn't want it, but she said she didn't want it and it meant nothing to her. I took it just to pacify her and forgot about it. Broke up with ex-FI, gave him everything back and forgot about the chains.
Years later I found them while moving and decided to just bring them with a bunch of my old scrap gold to sell. I don't even know if they were sold, if they weren't they were thrown away. I then got an email from FI asking for them back, saying his mother had given them to me "in good faith" and knew they were both using it as a tactic for him to get back in touch with me.
I regret that I didn't just put them in an envelope and mail them back when I found them, but what was done was done. It was ridiculous that she asked for them back years after she told me she wanted nothing to do w/ them. We hadn't even been engaged when she gave them to me.
I know this sounds stupid but I really enjoy this piece of jewerly and I do actually wear it and I really just don't really want to give it back. No sentiments for me but I love it!
Under the cirmcumstances, shouldn't you be giving it back to her ex-husband? By her logic, gifts go back to the giver after a divorce. You'd be saving her a step.
If she called and asked, I'd say no. And I think pp made a good point that it could be BS by your ex. I'm usually a bigger fan of being the bigger person, but you own it now. It's entirely within your own whim and generousity to give it away, and she's done nothing to inspire you to be so generous to her.
I would not give it back. Legally (I think) she has no ground to stand on. She made it clear she had no attachment to it, and you actually like it and wear it.
If it were an heirloom in her family I would feel differently. However, she told you she would never wear it ever again because it was from her ex-husband. So now she is just being petty. Screw her and your H.
Has she directly asked you for it to be returned to her? Is it all still coming from him?
I wouldn't want it regardless of how much I liked it since it came from a tainted source. I'd return it, but only to her.
I agree with this.
It sounds like you want to keep it, so ignore the emails and forget about it. If you feel bad at all about keeping it contact her directly and see what she says.
You'll never regret being the bigger person.
Disagree. More than likely, you'll be annoyed every time you wish you had just the right necklace to wear.
Past that, my main reason for returning it is to just cut as many ties as possible w/ your ex and his family. If you don't have the necklace, one less reason for them to contact you.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'd give it back to get the bish out of my hair.
I tried to give crap back from my ex and his mom told me to keep it. Until suddenly, she wanted it back. I gave up a lot of shiit to get them out of my life.
Give it back.
Edit: Oh wait, the ex is asking for it back? Why not call the MIL yourself and ask her if she wants it returned? If she does, return it. If she doesn't, keep it.
I'd most likely give it back. Even if she doesn't like it herself, maybe she intended it to be more like an heirloom (thinking you'd eventually have a daughter and maybe pass it that way). Maybe that's why it suddenly means something to her.
I'd probably do it just to avoid the extra drama it would create and sever ties with the lot of them.
Or....
How about asking them to compensate you for the fair market value of the pendant? If they want it back because it's sentimental, she should be willing to pay for it, since legally it's yours. If she's just wanting it back to be annoying and petty, she won't want to pay for something she doesn't even like.
1) Of course his family is going to "turn their backs" on you........you are divorcing their son. Did you really not expect that? Did you really think that they would hold you in the same regard? Even if they like you and think that you're doing the right thing, their loyalty is going to lie with their son. And don't kid yourself.........your parents wouldn't be anything more than cordial to him right now either.
2) Give the stupid necklace back and buy a new one. Why would you want to keep it? Do you really want to feed into the drama, and keep yourself tied to these people? Email your ex-MIL and verify that she wants it back, and if she does then make arrangements to give it back to her. And then you can move on from this completely and with no leftover attachments.
what I wish I would do: say "oops, sorry, pawned it back when your son was screwing me out of cash"
what I would actually do: give it back and then block all communication from her