August 2006 Weddings
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
NER: When do you give up on your marriage??
At what point do you throw in the towel?? What "things" make it okay to walk into the court house, up the elevator to the court clerk's office, and ask for a pen and *the* paper??
I am miserable and I don't want to do this anymore. That is basically what this boils down too. I am effing 28 years old and I am so so so miserable. I am not looking for a pity party. In fact, quite the opposite. I want harsh, brutal honesty that I won't/can't get anywhere else. I want the exact ramifications of what might happen if I do this.
Re: NER: When do you give up on your marriage??
That is a very personal decision. Only you know your breaking point. Have you tried counseling or a trial separation?
But if you are miserable then I would say yes it is time to consider making the break. Either way I would suggest some personal counseling. It may be more than just your marriage that has you unhappy.
I think misery is a good indicator to start some introspection. ?What's causing the misery? ?Is it the marriage, or something related to it like not being able to find the job you want because his restricts your location? ?Having dealt with depression for many years, I can tell you that it can affect your relationships rather than the other way around. ?Fixing yourself can improve your relationships. ?And vice versa. ?So you need to figure out the source of the misery.
Like others have said, it's a very personal decision. ?If you can, go to some counseling and try to talk things out. ?By yourself and with your partner.?
I agree that it's a very personal decision. I think that, as Sibil said, you need to be able to pinpoint exactly WHAT is making you so miserable. If it is you husband, specifically, and not something outside of that, or inside of YOU, then I think you have your answer.
For me, I'm a very big proponent of (to borrow from the brilliant ::insert eyeroll here:: Dr Phil) earning your way out. So, I wouldn't consider divorce until I had exhausted counseling, both couples and individual. My husband and I both come from homes where there was either divorce or separation, and we talked a lot about it before we were married. Something that we said is that if we are as in love and committed to eachother as we were at that point (and thankfully still are) then that is something that we would always do our best to get back to, if anything was to change.
I'm rambling. I hope you find what you need and stop being miserable! You only live once and it's a shame to waste time being miserable!
Ill come back to chime in later but in the meantime... (((hugs)))
If you ever need an ear or just a break Id be happy to try to meet up for a drink sometime or something. Sorry things are so bad
I'm sorry to hear that things aren't going well right now.
I think you have to ask yourself if there's a possibility that things could get better. Do you think that things could change? Would you both consider couples therapy, or individual therapy, depending on what the problem is? Does your H even know that you're miserable in the marriage, and if he does, is he willing to work with you to fix things? If you haven't considered any of that, or even talked about it, then I think it's probably too soon to give up.
I'm in the process of ending my marriage right now. My situation is a little unusual and yours is probably totally different. I did give up on the marriage, but only because my H wouldn't have been able to earn my trust back after what he'd done. Making the decision to walk away was the hardest thing I've done in my entire life.
Either way, good luck, and I wish you nothing but the best. I know how hard it is to face this decision. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to talk privately.
As a pp said, no one can answer that question for you. I've had a friend end a marriage because they didn't love each other in that way anymore. My bff's husband came out to her after four years of marriage and two yars of dating.
I am sure this is quite painful for you. I reconmmend counseling, both for you individually and couple's counseling. I believe you owe it to yourself to explore all options before taking the next step, whatever that may be.
Marriage is hard, whoever said it was easy, was lying.
my read shelf:
Ditto Jenni. Dh and I have been together since we were 15 years old, and its still hard at times.
Oh and anytime, anyone on here mentions marital problems I really want to cry. Sometimes you guys get on my nerves, but I want us all to be happy.
Since you're talking about being miserable - and not an extreme situation like abuse or major betrayal - then you give only after you have tried EVERYTHING. Marital counseling. Couples counseling. A different therapist or a workshop instead of counseling. You made the biggest promise of your life and you have to exhaust every possibility to keep it. You need to do that because it's the right thing to do, but also for yourself. If after all of that, your marriage still fails, you will know that tried everything, that you did all you that could do.
How do you know when you've done enough? When you can answer these questions:
- How did our relationship get to this point?
- How did I contribute to it?
- What did I miss - or refuse to see - in my husband before we got married that I can't live with now?
- Are the complaints I have of my husband, familiar? Have I had these complaints of other people?
- Is this a pattern in other relationships? Either romantic or family/friend/work.
- What would happen if I just accept that this is how it is? My life? My relationship?
If you can't answer these questions, then you are doomed to repeat this cycle again and you might as well be miserable in the relationship you have instead of a new one.
I think everyone has given great advice so far. The most important thing is to pinpoint why exactly you are miserable. Is it really the marriage that's making you miserable or are you miserable and the bad marriage is a symptom? You don't want to leave your marriage only to find out it was something else that was truly at the root of your unhappiness. Marriage counseling is a good idea, and even more important, individual counseling for yourself.
(((hugs))) Good luck and we are all here if you ever need to vent or a virtual shoulder to cry on.
I went back and reread your post and though I'd add a few thoughts.
You need to think long and hard about the financial consequences of your decision. I have no idea what your personal finances are like, but the reality is that the economy is bad and divorce is expensive - even if it's uncontested, just the cost to file the papers and such is not cheap. I'm not saying this to discourage you, just so you are prepared - being unprepared for the financial damage amidst the emotional turmoil can only add to your depression. I think that before you take ANY action towards divorce, you need to take a thorough look at your finances and get everything straightened out. Have a plan.
First - major (((HUGS))).
I talk with people in your situation every single day and I still can't imagine how difficult it must be. However, to answer your question, I think you "give up" when you can honestly say to yourself that you wouldn't regret giving up or not doing more. I don't know when that is for you, but I wish you the best of luck.
And, if it comes to it, please let me know if you would like me to find you a recommendation for a cheap or pro bono attorney, or if there's anything I can do for you.
I only believe in the "you have to exhaust all possible ways of reconciling" school of thought if there are children involved.
If there are no children involved in this marriage, I honestly believe that you should talk with yor H about your feelings, see if there is a way to work it out, figure out if you even WANT to work it out and then make your decision. I'm saddend by the fact that you are feeling so miserable.
Where does yor H stand in all of this? does he know how you are feeling? Is he trying to work it out with you?
Couples counseling is a good place to start if your H is a willing participant. You might want to seek some short term individual counseling just to tease out your own feelings.
I've been with my H since I was 22 (I'm almost 34 now) and we have had MANY, MANY ups and downs. I can't pretend to know exactly what you are going through, but if you are feeling miserable every day, you do need to make some kind of change.
I wish you all the best. (((HUGS)))
I have nothing to add to the great advice others have given but wanted to give you big hugs. ITA with the other posters who said that marriage is darn hard at times and lord knows I've banged my head against the wall at times.
I also want to add that I don't see divorce as the worst thing in the world. My parents divorced and honestly, it was the best thing they could do. They grew apart and are so different now that it's hard to believe they ever were married. They both found other parners (my mom remarried, my dad didn't but has been living with his girlfriend for a thousand years) and they both are much better off.
Life is too short to be miserable. If you can pinpoint the cause of your misery, honestly believe that ending your marriage will end the misery, and have evaluated your options, including preparing for life as a divorcee, then do what it takes NOT to be miserable.
I wish you the very best!
((((kristin))))
I can't make this decision for you. You've already received stellar advice, particularly that making sure it's your marriage that's making you miserable, not your misery making your marriage miserable.
Also, random question (and you don't have to answer here) - is your husband your daughter's father? I know she's older than the marriage, but I wasn't sure what the situation was. I just bring that up because if he is her father, keep in mind that he'll always be in your life and custody disputes can make an already difficult process even more difficult.
At the end of the day, all I can say is that you have to do what you truly believe is best for you and miss thing. (Easier said than done, I know).
(((((more hugs)))))
((hugs for TeamC as well)) - I once heard or read that marriage is like a sine curve. Hopefully my fellow nerds on here will get that.
Big Hug for you!
I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. There seems to be some really good advice on here so far so, I won't add much.
Try to look at things calmly.
-How long have things been bad?
-Why are they bad?
-Can they/Will they improve? Do you want them to?
I am going through some trying times as well. And have also felt at the breaking point.
Only you know how much you can handle and only you know your relationship.
Life is too short to be miserable but also marriage is hard. Sometimes SOOOO hard. You need to take some time to yourself and evaluate. Maybe a counselor could help.
Best of luck to you. I am always here to listen/talk to if you need anything.
You are not alone.
Yep, I get the sine curve reference, but I'd say it's a double complementary curve.
My boyfriend from college's mom gave me some sage advice once, even though I didn't end up with that guy. ?She said that love in a relationship will not be 50/50. ?It may be 20/80 some days and 80/20 others and everywhere in between. ?That's normal, nothing to stress about. ?When it becomes a problem is if you, or both of you, stay at that low level of love. ?Or if an large imbalance remains for a long period of time.
I'll ditto someone else who doesn't see divorce as that big of a problem without kids (I think you have kids, though, right?). ?H's parents divorced, and they both became much happier after, each really became their own individuals. ?Divorce may be expensive and heartbreaking, but it's not always downhill after that point.?
(((((kristin))))))
If you don't mind sharing some small details, what is making you miserable? I don't mean to pry, just to get some perspective.
I would ditto pp in exhausting every possible saving effort for the sake of yourselves, but mostly for your daughter. If there's any way you can make this work (barring abuse, obviously), you really should.
That's just my honest opinion. I truly hope it works out the best for you!!
I don't know the answer to your question. I know you're in a terribly hard position.
I'll be thinking about you, and hoping that you make a decision that is in your best interest in the long run
I'm so sorry to hear this, Kristin. I don't really have any advice for you, I just wanted to say that I'm pulling for you, and I hope you come to a decision that makes you happy.
Ok, I guess I do have some advice. In general, I subscribe to the idea that when someone wrongs you, you need to give them the opportunity to correct the behavior before taking it to the next level. Coworkers, friends, spouses, it applies to all. You haven't mentioned how much you've discussed this with your H, but I hope that you've brought up your unhappiness. If my H was thinking about leaving or was very unhappy with my behavior, I hope he would at least give me a chance to correct to before leaving.
That's all. If he's not interested in trying to make it work, then my point is moot.
Best of luck, whatever you choose.
I just wanted to add hugs to my one liner above.....how harsh of me to leave that out.
lots of good advice. I echo the idea that for your daughter's sake at least, to really make sure you have exhausted all ways of trying to fix the marriage first. If nothing else, like someone else said, he will always be in your life via your daughter so it is in everyone's best interest to at least try... then if it still doesnt work you know yourself, and one day can tell your daughter, that you really did try everything at your disposal. But then. life is too short to be miserable.
((hugs)) Marriage is really really freakin hard.
kristen-I am so sorry you are going through this right now. I wish you the best and offer my prayers that you make the decision that is right for you and your daughter. The above advice is all great, so I have nothing to add there. {{Hugs}}
I have no advice, but I hope you find an answer. We're all here to be a willing ear for any venting or rambling you may want/need to do.
(((((((kristin)))))))
*hugs*
I echo what everyone else said about figuring out why exactly you're miserable. Is it solely because of your husband, something internal with yourself, or something else entirely?
Divorce is a huge decision, both emotionally and financially. If you're seriously considering it, I recommend counseling (marriage or individual), and I'd also talk to a financial counselor.
I am so sorry you are so miserable. Everyone has given you wonderful advice. Just remember that for many people, depression and unhappiness are heightened during the holidays, so just take things one day at a time.
And we are here if you ever need to talk.
{{hugs}}