Please read this thread. Thank you.

Mjmksb04 · March 2012

We do please and thank you all the time in our family and I am working on teaching DS to do the same. I have DS call my friends Mr./Ms. <their first name>. I don't feel comfortable letting him call them by their first name, but I think to ask a 3 year old to remember a last name and pronounce it is a bit much.

KateAggie · March 2012

SBP, I'm having the same internal battle. At this point, I figure I'll wait until she starts school, and see what happens, 'cause I can't see changing what she calls my current friends, you know?

Sibil · March 2012

From a non-parent perspective, I really don't like my friends' kids to call me Mrs lastname. I'll respect their request, b/c it's their rules/manners they're trying to teach, but it makes me uncomfortable. I'll express that it's not necessary, but I don't push.

Usually, people will go with Mrs Sibil, and that's ok. One friend's kids just called me Sibil, and it was months before I realized that, oh, yeah, that's not the norm for kids that age. It just felt natural; I was kind of like an aunt to them.

Here in Hawaii everyone is an auntie it seems. It would please me to be considered an Auntie Sibil.

Hopeforthebest · March 2012

KateAggie:
"Please" and "Thank You" are musts in this household. I'm trying to also teach Ma'am and Sir, by example only (DH is not down with them using "yes ma'am/no sir" with us...I disagree, but it's more important to him). However, I often respond "no problem" after someone thanks me...in my head, the formal "you're welcome" sounds harsher. Not sure why.

I have ALWAYS thought the same thing! I never EVER say you're welcome, just feels weird and/or condescending somehow.

BQBride · March 2012

I really hate "no problem" in place of "you're welcome," especially coming from a server, cashier, etc. It always makes me think, "Well, it's your job. It shouldn't be a problem." I do not hear "you're welcome" or any sentiment even close to that when they say, "no problem." "My pleasure" or a return "thank you" would be far preferable, IMO.

ChillyMcFreeze · March 2012

Where does "sure thing" fall in the no problem/you're welcome scheme? I say that one all the time (very cheerfully!) to coworkers.

meshaliu · March 2012

Sibil:
Here in Hawaii everyone is an auntie it seems. It would please me to be considered an Auntie Sibil.

Auntie is what I grew up with and that's what we'll use with our friends. Other kids parents, I'm not sure.

tartaruga · March 2012

swimbikepuke:
This reminds me parents - how are you handling the Mrs. soandso stuff with your friends. When I was a kid, all of my friends' parents were Mrs. and Mr. Lastname. I only had ONE parent ever tell me I could call her by her first name. I tell all my friends' kids to call me by my first name, and I have PTS call them Ms.Firstname like she does with her teachers at school. Part of this is because PTS cannot pronounce Rybarczyk. But the other part is that it just makes things easier.
But it's rude, isn't it?
Sir and Ma'am are not norms for children up here. I mean, I'll "yes ma'am" PTS just for emphasis so it really makes no sense to teach her sir and ma'am. If she used them, people would look at her like she had two heads.

I don't think its rude. It's rude to presume you can call someone by their first name if they haven't asked that you do so. I teach SST to call people Mr or Mrs. Xyz unless they say "oh call me Firstname". But it's not rude to ask people to call you by your preferred name/title.

MexiCali · March 2012

Sibil:

Oh, and here's my anecdote that I shared on MM. Please/thank you don't make something polite.

A couple weeks ago we were out with a group for drinks/live music and eventually dinner. One guy brought his kid, about 8-10 years old (side-eye to that in the first place). My friend's meal arrived, with waffle fries. Kid asks her for one. She has never met this kid before.

Dad overhears. He reminds the kid, how do you ask? Kid: Can I have some, please. He then proceeds to scoop up a shitton of ketchup. Dad reminds the kid to say thank you.

My friend sat there with a huge WTF look on her face the whole time. I burst out with inappropriately loud laughter.

I hate when my mom and inlaws give into every please after saying he has to say please. Even please doesn't get you everything you want.

We practice being polite and we practice the power of a no.

oh and I want to run over all of the flippin parents at D-land who think stopping short in front of me is fine. Pull to the mother freakin side ***!

EloiseWeenieSkipperdee · March 2012

Clearly the author has never been to a chick fil a. They are oozing with manners, and I think the manager would feed me my food if it made me happy.

I'm big on manners, and teaching it to a very stubborn toddler has been difficult (he's got the please/ty down, but his table manners are very poor).

Now that I'm an adult it seems kind of weird to use Mr. & Mrs., but I still do it. My ILs request that I still call them by Mr. & Mrs. (which still seems odd to me).

curlydoglover · March 2012

swimbikepuke:
This reminds me parents - how are you handling the Mrs. soandso stuff with your friends. When I was a kid, all of my friends' parents were Mrs. and Mr. Lastname. I only had ONE parent ever tell me I could call her by her first name. I tell all my friends' kids to call me by my first name, and I have PTS call them Ms.Firstname like she does with her teachers at school. Part of this is because PTS cannot pronounce Rybarczyk. But the other part is that it just makes things easier.
But it's rude, isn't it?
Sir and Ma'am are not norms for children up here. I mean, I'll "yes ma'am" PTS just for emphasis so it really makes no sense to teach her sir and ma'am. If she used them, people would look at her like she had two heads.

I would think our default will be Mr. or Mrs/Ms. Lastname. But unpronounceable last names.... I guess I'd ask that person first? Cause it's not like she doesn't know her last name would be difficult for a kid to pronounce. Just "We want PTS to address you with respect, so what would you prefer?" *shrug*

Initially I was thinking "Ms. R" would be a compromise but it reminds me of those douchey characters on bad 80s sitcoms.

karinothing · March 2012

KateAggie:
MeredithE:
I have started with Sir and Maam since moving to the South.
I couldn't stop saying "sir" or "ma'am" even if I wanted to--they're ingrained in me. It always blows me away when I see people in these type of posts say they're insulting.

I agree. It is pretty much impossible for me to stop saying this. I still think its ridiculous that people think its rude.

rayskit10 · March 2012

OK, so I didn't read every response because I'm too lazy... but I remember someone telling me once that "you're welcome" is like saying "i was happy to do it for you," where "no problem" is like saying "you didn't put me out this time." While I responded by noting TY in other languages can sometimes translate in to "no problem," it did always stay with me and I think about it sometimes when I chose which phrase to use.

As a mom, I want my kids to be in the habit of saying "Thank you" before they learn the casual replacements.

Also, as far as service people, to me this is a chicken and egg argument. Having worked 10+ years in restaurants and another 7 in retail, I can say that perhaps service people have tuned out because of the way they have been treated for so long. When I was waiting my way through college, I was spit at, had things thrown at me, and routinely insulted. Do you know how many times I was told to "get a real job" when someone didn't like something that wasn't even my fault- food or drink tasted bad, for example?

In retail, it was just as bad. I was the manager of a large, mid-to-high end retail store (national chain). MOst of our customers were middle to upper middle class. I couldn't believe the way they would speak to my employees and to me, as a manager.

So when you're talking about minimum wage earners in gas stations or 7Elevens, is it really about their manners? Or is it that the customers lost their manners long ago and these folks are just trying to make it through their shift with a little dignity left?

wawajeanne · March 2012

meshaliu:
Sibil:
Here in Hawaii everyone is an auntie it seems. It would please me to be considered an Auntie Sibil.

Auntie is what I grew up with and that's what we'll use with our friends. Other kids parents, I'm not sure.

my friend's kids all either call me miss wawa or aunt wawa. I do love being aunt wawa. It's fun. I also love when they call MH Uncle MH. He's a good uncle. always up for a good chase/tickle/monster attack/horsie ride. Makes my ovaries hurt.

Though one particularly special girl calls me Unk Wawa. I have no idea why. For the longest time before she learned to speak clearly every time she'd say it and I'd look at her parents and they'd look at me and we'd all make the "wth did she just say?" face. None of us were sure if that's really what she was saying. But she's 3 now, and she very very clearly calls me Unk Wawa. She has other aunts. (blood and otherwise) She calls them Aunt. Her parents have tried to get her to call me Aunt. No dice. Unk it is. I'm just special I guess.

But...for people not close enough to get the honorary aunt/uncle treatment, I'm a big fan of Mr/Mrs First Name unless requested otherwise.

Also...to address the OP - I've really never noticed people being particularly rude lately. Some people are rude. Others are not. And I don't mind no problem/have a good one or any other informal pleasantries and I think people who do mind need to unclench. (assuming all normal friendly tones of voice and such)

mrsbecky07 · March 2012

My old boss used to drive me nuts bc he would say please and thank you excessively. Like 5 times in a 5 minute conversation. "please do this and please put this on your list." such a weird thing to be annoyed by haha. And he was nice - it wasn't fake - i just felt he was wasting words. What a lawyer ha.

SBP - we will do "miss first name" for adults for our kids. That's very typical here though, I couldn't tell you the last name of my grandparents friends - Miss Gladys, Mr. Andre, etc. it's not considered rude until you have the random transplant who hates it lol.

hindsight's_a_biotch · March 2012

swimbikepuke:

This reminds me parents - how are you handling the Mrs. soandso stuff with your friends. When I was a kid, all of my friends' parents were Mrs. and Mr. Lastname. I only had ONE parent ever tell me I could call her by her first name. I tell all my friends' kids to call me by my first name, and I have PTS call them Ms.Firstname like she does with her teachers at school. Part of this is because PTS cannot pronounce Rybarczyk. But the other part is that it just makes things easier.

But it's rude, isn't it?

Sir and Ma'am are not norms for children up here. I mean, I'll "yes ma'am" PTS just for emphasis so it really makes no sense to teach her sir and ma'am. If she used them, people would look at her like she had two heads.

We use Mr/Ms Firstname. I haven't met anyone who minded though or at least they didn't say they did.

Speaking of names, I really hate when adults try to get my children to call them by their first name, especially when I've made it clear that I'm not comfortable with that.

hindsight's_a_biotch · March 2012

And speaking of thank you, I despise it when companies end their phone conversations with Thank You for Choosing [insert name of company that I just chewed out.]

In some cases, it's warranted and appreciated but if I call your ass up, issue a complaint, and get no resolution, having you tell me that makes me want to find where you work and firebomb the whole place.

Mamasaurus · March 2012

I think the problem is not people saying, "No problem!" or "Anytime!" but rather people not saying things like, "Thank you," and, "Excuse me," in the first place. My friends consider me a bit of a stickler for manners because I always thank people for getting a door for me or hitting the button for me in an elevator, and I use casual responses to "thank you" pretty often. Not the end of the world.

meshaliu · March 2012

rayskit10:
Also, as far as service people, to me this is a chicken and egg argument. Having worked 10+ years in restaurants and another 7 in retail, I can say that perhaps service people have tuned out because of the way they have been treated for so long. When I was waiting my way through college, I was spit at, had things thrown at me, and routinely insulted. Do you know how many times I was told to "get a real job" when someone didn't like something that wasn't even my fault- food or drink tasted bad, for example?
In retail, it was just as bad. I was the manager of a large, mid-to-high end retail store (national chain). MOst of our customers were middle to upper middle class. I couldn't believe the way they would speak to my employees and to me, as a manager.

So when you're talking about minimum wage earners in gas stations or 7Elevens, is it really about their manners? Or is it that the customers lost their manners long ago and these folks are just trying to make it through their shift with a little dignity left?

I did my two years at a Buger King and it was plenty. It was bad enough that I make a concious effort to be polite and patient with service personnel and no one ever went so far as to spit on me. Who does that?!

eclaires · March 2012

My kids call their friends' parents "Mr. Firstname" and "Ms/Miss Firstname." That's what their friends call me too. For our close friends, auntie/uncle is used. If someone wants them to use their last name, that's fine - I'd just expect that they introduce themselves that way to me/the kids so I know that's what they prefer.

The year I got married, I went to lunch w/ my mom and her best friend a few weeks after a friend's wedding that my mom's BFF attended, too, and at lunch, I said, "oh so nice to see you, Mrs. Lastname." And she replied, "Beth, we've been drunk together, I think you can call me Firstname now." lol.

Both of my kids use please and thank you a LOT. In fact, "thank you" was the first two word phrase for both of them. Scarlett's hilarious, though, b/c she uses it as a way to try and get what she wants AND she uses it in an almost guilt inducing way. Like, if she hands me something she'll say, "thank you!" She helps me empty the dishwasher and as she says it every time she hands me a piece of silverware. Cracks me up. She'll also point at cookies and say "thank you??" haha. But she's 18m old, not 8, and her verbal skills are limited.

Oh and we've been working HARD on "just because what you say is polite, doesn't mean it is actually polite" with Jackson. His little BFF uses "excuse me" like every third word, and thus thinks it's acceptable to interrupt whenever and whoever if he says excuse me. Jackson has picked this habit up and it.is.the.worst. I keep telling him, "it doesn't matter if you say excuse me, it's still impolite to interrupt people who are talking." Repeat and repeat. I'm hoping it sinks in soon, b/c it is potentially the most annoying thing ever and his BFF has lots of annoying habits.

Sisugal · March 2012

"Argue with your neighbors. Get in their faces." Barack Obama

Yet he decries the loss of civil discourse. The coarsening of society has been happeing for a long time. Heck most of the people on this board admire Bill Maher, Keith Olberman and others who deal in violent rhetoric. Can't have it both ways. We either treat others with kindness and respect - no matter what -or we get in the gutter.

mominatrix · March 2012

Sisugal:
"Argue with your neighbors. Get in their faces." Barack Obama

Yet he decries the loss of civil discourse. The coarsening of society has been happeing for a long time. Heck most of the people on this board admire Bill Maher, Keith Olberman and others who deal in violent rhetoric. Can't have it both ways. We either treat others with kindness and respect - no matter what -or we get in the gutter.

mominatrix · March 2012

Mamasaurus:
I think the problem is not people saying, "No problem!" or "Anytime!" but rather people not saying things like, "Thank you," and, "Excuse me," in the first place. My friends consider me a bit of a stickler for manners because I always thank people for getting a door for me or hitting the button for me in an elevator, and I use casual responses to "thank you" pretty often. Not the end of the world.

ITA

Stephiehun · March 2012

Sisugal:
"Argue with your neighbors. Get in their faces." Barack Obama

Yet he decries the loss of civil discourse. The coarsening of society has been happeing for a long time. Heck most of the people on this board admire Bill Maher, Keith Olberman and others who deal in violent rhetoric. Can't have it both ways. We either treat others with kindness and respect - no matter what -or we get in the gutter.

I read this thread earlier, but I came back in when I saw that Sisu had posted. I wondered how she would relate this to Obama.

No mention of D1ck "Go fcckyourself" Cheney? Sometimes I think Sisu is a Fox News-bot programmed to respond with their talking points.

doctorwho · March 2012

I would never refer to an elderly person by first name. Thats clearly Mr./Mrs./Ms. territory. A peer....yes probably first name unless it's a job interview or some such thing.

I do not like it when children use first names with adults. We were raised with Mr./Mrs. Lastname as the rule. I have only just begun calling my parents friends by first names (and I'm not even consistent - the women are first name and the men are Mr.).

DH sees no reason for titles and didn't even want my nephew to refer to him as uncle. I completely overruled that nonsense. Auntie M and Uncle Doc it is. And you better believe I claimed 'Auntie M' from the get go.

heliocentric · March 2012

I don't get why "you're welcome" is even required.

I think "please" and "thank you" are important because you are asking for something and then expressing your gratefulness for getting something. What they heck does "you're welcome" prove? It's like you are demanding that not only did someone provide you with something you wanted or needed, but now you expect them to be thrilled to provide you with that thing, as well. Why is there is any expectation on the "giver" to say anything at all?

At any rate, I do use alternatives to "you're welcome" because I feel like people expect me to. Or sometimes I want people to know that I really am happy to help and welcome them to ask again in the future (at work, usually, and most likely because it's something I am interested in and want to be a part of in the future).

Please read this thread. Thank you.

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