Starting Over
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: FFFC
but if you trained hard enough and long enough, you would be able to run a marathon.
their isn't any kind of training that goes into being engaged or in a relationship. yes, you can work on yourself and make sure you are in emotionally healthy place to be in a relationship, but that's it. you can't make yourself meet the right person. there's a certain amount of luck and chance when it comes to meeting someone.
people don't get lucky when they run a marathon.
You're entitled to your opinion. To me goals are more flexible and not an all or nothing thing. You give it your best, but if something causes it to not work out, you adjust and move on. I try to view experiences as lessons learned, not as successes/failures.
A goal doesn't have to be something that you can guarantee or force yourself to do. Thousands of people have a goal of being the next American Idol, but they can't force that to happen. They can just try really hard and want it really bad.
But how do you "try really hard" to be in a relationship?
This. I am tardy to the party but I do agree with dmarie's initial FFFC. I do want to get married again someday or have a successful relationship but I also feel like it's something that is at least somewhat out of my control, because it's not just me but another person who has to be a part of it.
When I answered the goals post on Monday I intentionally listed things that are only contingent upon MY actions, like passing my CFP exam, continuing to eat healthy and exercise, being a great mom, etc.
I also believe that unless you're happy with yourself and your life 100% AND comfortable being alone, there's more of a risk that you're going to end up with someone who isn't right for you. I feel that the best opportunity for success in a relationship is when you're comfortable in your own skin, have success, and have a full life in every way. That way someone that you allow to be a partner will enhance your life and, if for some reason they don't, you will be able to recognize this and severe the ties, without worrying about having a huge void.
I know that I've been THAT girl before who was never alone and it didn't serve me well. It made me vulnerable to someone like XH and it kept me from listening to my inner fears. It also prevented me from breaking things off with him even when I was literally living a nightmare because I was a weak, broken person and terrified of being alone. I'm very thankful every day that I am no longer that person.
Just my two cents.
I confess it bugs me when it's Flame Free confession day and people get miffed at one another. Perhaps a seperate thread can be started or something, but it gets off the track.
That being said...I LIKED the goal post on Monday ( yes, I created it, but I liked the responses). I didn't feel that there was an abundence of people who listed a relationship oriented goal. Quite the opposite in fact. I like seeing alot of the goals people had, like opening a bakery, writing a book, learning Russian, etc.
I LOVED your post! I thought it was great! And yes, there were a lot of great responses. And maybe "multiple" wasn't the best word. I just meant that there was more than 1 person that said that.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
No flaming, just an explaination since I did put get engaged as one of my "goals." We have already talked about it. It will happen. There are just a few things we want to take care of from a financial standpoint first ... that is why it is a "goal" for me. Because it would mean two things -- 1. we reached that goal financially and 2. we will be engaged.
If things weren't said in the FFC that were directed to people here that would read it, it wouldn't cause a reaction.
Stop playing dumb, will you?
We all know the last thing you need after a divorce is to jump into a new relationship, serious or casual when the ink isn't dry or hasn't even touched the paper yet. I know this opinion isn't popular here but I don't care.
This perfectly completes my statement. I agree with you.
I guess I can see both sides... it is weird to see the goal "getting engaged or remarried" as it really depends so much on the other person and you can't force a relationship, etc.
However for me if I put this as my goal it would change parts of my life and make me act and think differently.
Right now I live in another country and travel about 75% of the time when in the US. In the US I live in a city where I don't want to live permanently. If I wanted to get engaged/married I would most likely need to move to a city where there are more single men that I could see myself living in long term. I might also need to rethink the amount I travel for work as it's prohibitive to a new relationship.
Also when I date with the goal of a serious relationship, rather than a casual fling, I seek out of different types of men, act more mature and enforce my dealbreakers. When I am looking for something casual I tend to be more relaxed and don't enforce the dealbreakers.
Many people aren't really available for engagement/marriage because of the nature of their jobs, living situation, family they need to care for, etc.
Not everyone on here is newly divorced. Some of us have actually **gasp** moved on in our lives. Shocking concept I know. Just because you are divorced doesn't mean you have to be single for the rest of your life.
You really want to play dumb, do you? If you've been divorced for a couple years then carry on! My opinion was not directed at 100% of the girls on this board. "shocking concept I know".
When you say "most women on here" it kinda sorta sounds like you are talking about most of us
But it was directed at me, as I put "get engaged" one of my goals. However, the ink is very dry on my divorce paperwork (has been for 2.5 years). And some of us have goals with our new SO like remodel the house (which requires a joint financial venture), have a child (which I will not do out of wedlock and I do not want to have a child when I am over 40 -- I'm 36 now), buy a vacation property (again joint financial venture that I won't do if we aren't married). So in order for any of those other goals that BF and I have as a couple to happen, I have some debt to pay off, we have some savings goals we want to meet in the next few months and then we'd like to get engaged. So, "getting engaged" as a goal relates to all of those other longer-term goals I have with my partner.
Everyone thinks of "goals" differently. The run a marathon goal was brought up and then argued that anyone can train and do it. Well, not anyone. I can't I am not supposed to run AT ALL because of a physical condition I have as a result of years of dancing. So I might think that goal is silly because it doesn't apply to me (I don't ... I don't care what others have as goals). Just because the goal doesn't apply to you, doesn't mean it isn't a valid goal.
Agreed! I took offense to that statement.
Land, we get it, you don't think a lot of us who are dating should be. Guess what though, these are our lives. People do what they want or what they need to do. If thats not what you want to do, then so be it. I don't know why this issue is the hill you're choosing to die on.
I also put something of the sort in my goals. Everyone thought I was crazy for becoming emotionally involved with J, after stressing how much I wanted to stay single. I've been separated since 2008 from XH, and yes my divorce is still fresh but only because he dragged it out for 3 yrs. I've been single for long spirts to the point my parents didn't think I was ever going to get back out there to meet people. I've also been in a few short lived relationships. I know enough about myself, what I'm looking for and what I will or will not put up with when it comes to relationships that I feel I can truly make a decision of what is best for me. J was something I wasn't looking for as we were just friends and have been for quite some time. It just kinda happened and for once I finally feel something I've been dreaming about for the past several years.
I have the career, soon it will be the degree, I already have a child and I'm buying my own house. The only other piece of the puzzle is someone to share all of this with. I won't settle and with the help of my therapist I'm really putting in to action things that I want to accomplish.
Most of the girls doesn't mean every single person on this board. I don't know how I could explain that.
Now MCC, I don't care if people want to date when they're not ready. I just want to say it's OK to be single.
I couldn't say if it was directed at you because:
- I didn't read the goal post. My post was a s/o from dmarie's fffc
- I don't know the exact details of your situation or anyone in particular
Who do you think you are to know if someone is "ready" or not?
My FFFC is that you need to get laid. All you do is judge people on this board and then you wonder why no one included you in the SO love fests?! Seriously, chill out already!
My name is Black Kitty and I approve of this post!
I don't think anyone can argue with that!
I waited a year to start dating. Dated a great guy for 7 months then realized it just wasn't right and I wasn't ready, BUT I was glad I got back out there.
1) I learned a lot about where I am as a person and what I need in a partner.
2) I was able to love and trust again. Which was a big step for me.
3) I had the strength to walk away even though there were no "red flags". A lot of people stay in relationships just because there is nothing majorly wrong with the other person. Comfort does not always equal long term success. I was proud of myself for recognizing the "yellow flags", reflecting and letting go.
Anyway my point is that I was not ready to date, yet I learned a lot and I am much happier after having put myself out there.
My .02
I didn't attak you or anyone else personally. You're welcome to do the same. You can disagree with me. You don't have to throw low blows at me. You disappoint me MCC.
Can I just say that I love this post!
I think that some people on this board have strong opinions about certain behavior and what people should or should not be doing with their lives, and that's okay. In fact, it's great that people can come here and get different opinions and perspectives. With that said, it's not necessary to beat those strong opinions over everyone's head every chance you (general) get, which is what I see happening a lot with some posters. Repeating a certain opinion over and over again (especially when one's opinion hasn't been solicited) is not going to change anyone's mind or behavior. If anything, it's more likely to turn people off to your opinions in general.
Sorry Land, but your attitude is off the hook lately. Your blanket statements are enough to put half the board on the defensive. Fine I take back my sex comment but stand on the other one. Everything you post is a judgment about people dating too soon. It's ok to be single, yes, but it's ok for people to go out and make friends and have sex if they want to as well.
You got all butthurt that you weren't on the "who would you want to hang out with" thread. Maybe it's because you're not always nice to people and judge them. We know where you stand and it's great that you're taking time to yourself. Not everyone is going to do things the way you do so stop shoving it down everyone's throats and making women who are happily divorced and trying to get out there or who already back out there and happy, feel bad about their decisions.
eh.. I can actually see where she is coming from. It's not just on this board.. it's in our society..Every movie where a woman is single and in her late twenties/early thirties they are desperate to get married and have a baby, etc. Being single sometimes makes me feel like the odd person out in life... most people are part of a couple, married or actively looking to find "the one". To opt out of this and say I just want to be single is something my friends really don't understand because they are married and just don't understand why someone would want to go backwards in life.
I don't view it as going backwards... I think it's a time to do so many other things I want to do... travel, workout, visit my friends and family without deal with supporting another person. I date casually and have amazing sex but liviing without to goal of trying to find a serious relationship isn't the norm for women our age.
Yes, thank you for saying what I angrily said, nicely.
Just sharing my experience.