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Highly (yet irrationally) Pissed! (long!)
So let me preface this by saying, Yes I know I am being irrational, selfish, silly and all of those other terrible things by being angry about what Im getting ready to tell you. However, that is why I am venting HERE...I would NEVER actually complain to my family. So, please don't take the comments section to tell me how awful I am for feeling this way...I already know that but I can't help it, I feel how I feel.
BACK STORY: I am 24 and did everything by the book. Graduated High School with honors, was a cheerleader and apart of every service clubs there was. I went straight to college, met my DH my senior year, got engaged, graduated college, got a full-time good paying job, then married my DH and bought a house. I even own half of a dance studio and run my hair&makeup business on the side! MY BROTHER: is 21, had to be pushed constantly to do Anything and Everything since kindergarten - we were all impressed he graduated HS. He went to a Tech school for cars, flunked out, my dad forced him to go back and finish (My dad bought his way back in), finally graduated, can NOT hold a job. Mysteriously gets let go or fired within the first two weeks - though according to him its never because of anything HE did.
WHAT IM PISSED ABOUT: Bro dates a girl for 6 years, dumps her and 2 weeks later this new girl shows up pregnant!!! So here we have my Bro who can't keep a job, lives at home...a girl whose family all lives 5 states away, work 10hrs a week at a minimum wage job and lives with a friend. And THEY ARE GOING TO HAVE THE 1st GRANDCHILD??!!! I know its not fair for me to be angry and upset - but I am. Now they live in a government housing apartment (that my taxes are paying for), all her doc visits are free thanks to pregnancy medicaid (lets remember that it will cost me a pretty penny when I have a child because I work my tail off), and they are on food stamps (again my taxes are helping to pay for this), and to top it off, lil bro still doesn't have a job.
I feel like something was stolen from me as I always "knew" Id have my parents' first grandchild...and my deadbeat bro went and knocked up some girl he barely knows and now society gets the awesome job of paying for it all. I am angry and feel cheated. Yes its irrational and selfish. I admit it. Thank you ladies for not reiterating what I already know...just looking to get it off my chest. Thanks! 
SN: I will give the girl credit...She seems like she will be a good mother and I have a feeling that once this kid comes she will do everything she can to make their life better for this little girl...my bro? who knows...
Re: Highly (yet irrationally) Pissed! (long!)
yes-can i send you the bill so that you can have your brother send me a certified check? LOL I'm with you on all of it. i'm so TIRED of people having their hands out to those of us who DO pay.
you did do everything the way it's supposed to be done. that guaranteed you nothing. "knowing" you'd have your parents first grandchild was untrue. you hoped and suspected. but there was no guarantee. i'm not flaming. you're only 24. you have your whole life to do things the right way. dont let his irresponsibility ruin how hard you've worked. it sucks and it's hard but it has nothing to do with you. nothing.
and for the sake of your future sanity-unless you absolutely know for SURE about something-dont assume anything. anything. no assuming. ever. dont assume you'll be able to have kids, dont assume you won't get divorced or lose your job or whatever. it's life. do the best when you can and when you're ready and able.
I feel like something was stolen from me as I always "knew" Id have my parents' first grandchild
I think this is mainly where the problem lies. Life never really goes according to plan, and nobody is entitled to anything out of life. It could've very easily been something else that "denied" you from having the first grandchild - infertility, the death of your husband - so try and look at it that way, because it could've been something MUCH worse that caused you not to have the first grandchild. You didn't lose and aren't being punished by your brother having a baby first. The more you try and plan out your life, the more disappointed you will be if it doesn't happen that way.
Having a baby is not a contest. This kid's going to be born into some unfortunate circumstances, like an (I imagine) unstable relationship between his parents and a life of poverty. I would be angry, too, that they're bringing an innocent child into this mess. I get that you're probably peeved that this kid is going to get a lot of attention, but that's because he's really going to need it. Whereas your family knows that you and your husband and any future kids will be O.K. and don't need to be looked out for as much since you've got it under control.
It doesn't really seem like your brother has "won" in this regard ... if anything, it sounds like he's digging himself further and further into a hole. And he's probably feeling upset about this too, because this is just one more way he's screwed up in life. Especially when compared to you ... and I am not criticizing you with this point, I'm just saying while you're thinking Screwup Brother Gets Something Before Me, he's probably thinking, Here's One More Thing to Put Me Behind My Perfect Sister. You're both probably envying each other, thinking that the other one is basking in glory over something you didn't get.
I get why you're annoyed and venting, and I would feel the same. I'm just pointing out some other ways to look at it.
Unless your family is some ultra-traditional one, the "first" grandchild is not really any more special than any of the ones that follow. And if your family IS ultra-traditional, your kids won't matter anyway, b/c they aren't carrying the family name. Or the boys will be important, but not the girls.
I remember when I was pregnant with DD (DD is FILs 7th grandchild). I don't remember how it came up, but I remarked "the first one is special" to FIL (talking about BILs son), and he replied "they are all special." That is a RARE display of any kind of emotional talk from FIL. I mean, I doubt he ever used the word "special" to DH in DH's life.
Yes, the first one might get more undivided attention, might get more gifts b/c there the budget isn't divided, but that won't mean that your parents will love your kids any less.
You need to count your blessings. You COULD have been first - dropping out of college to have a baby with BF (now H), having a shotgun wedding (maybe - if the experience wouldn't tear you apart)....would you have been happier? Would you have been better off? I can assure you, your child would not have been! That extra 3 years of grandma and grandpa's attention would not have made up for being born by young parents, unable emotionally and financially to support a child and provide him/her with the stability they need.
Ditto Wahoo. Typical grandparents think all grandchildren are special. My nephews were 3 and 8 when my DD (the next grandchild on DH's side) was born, and yet there was still tremendous hoopla and excitement about her arrival. I thought maybe everyone was excited because she was the first girl grandchild/niece. Nope! When DS, the fifth of five grandkids, was born, my ILs were just as thrilled.
Also, different grandchildren "click" differently with certain grandparents. My FIL is this sort of gruff, traditional guy. He's a little prickly. The other grandkids were always a little scared of him when they were small, but my son has adored his grandpa from the start and would always crawl into his lap and cuddle with him. This really brought out the hidden "softy" in my FIL, and he and my son have always been close.
So, while I can totally understand your frustration with this situation, try to keep in mind that you just can't make assumptions about what will happen in the future. Each relationship is unique and individual.
Enjoy the fruits of your own great life, and revel in the fact that when you do finally have a child, you'll be able to do your parents proud by providing that child with a stable situation. Your parents will have the luxury of truly being GRANDPARENTS to your child -- with your brother's child, they may always feel they have to somewhat be guardians/caregivers in your brother's place.
You had to know your brother was going to knock some girl up. Heck, all Ihad to do was read half of your rant and I thought - "This is going to be that he got bailed out of jail or got someone pregnant". I did not expect the jealousy about it being the family's "1st". I can only imagine that your parents want to throw up a little at the thought of their son as a 21 yo dead beat father. At least when your family expands it will be a happy time, a time for them to enjoy and spoil the child instead of set-up ways to support him/her.
And don't be too jealous about those fabulous government programs for housing, health care and food. They really suck. The programs are keeping your neice or nephew from freezing or starving to death - its not the lap of luxury. Its a really crappy situation that people either get trapped in or work their asses to get out of. And after all, think of the money its saving you and your parents from having to support the little new bundle. After all, why should us taxpayers pay for your family? Why push it on taxpayers? Pay for your own family, right?
I don't really understand these posts about expectations and jealousy. I agree with doglove.
Honestly? There's no such thing as "supposed to be." Even for you.
You don't have to be the first/best/awesomest at everything.
And really? Do you really want your brother's life? I don't. I'd pity that couple, not be jealous of it.
Honestly, I can completely understand your frustration with your brother's behavior and choices. Your update regarding the fact that they were trying to bring a child into the picture, given their circumstances- yes, that absolutely gets a side eye from me. I absolutely cannot understand trying to bring a child into the world when you cannot even take care of yourself.
However, you have to realize that you are in such a fantastic position. You are a college graduate, a homeowner, and have a husband, a well-paying job- when you decide to have a child, that child will be brought into a secure environment. Your son or daughter will miss out on NOTHING by not being the first. Your parents will love their grandchild regardless of whether it was first, or second. Your brother's child will miss out on plenty by being born into a shaky, irresponsible lifestyle. I feel a lot of sadness for the baby's situation.
I know you are frustrated and disappointed right now, and there is nothing wrong with venting. But consider the fact that you have so many achievements to be proud of, and that, when you do have a child, you will be bringing it into a great environment.
I hope you'll enjoy being the baby's aunt. It sounds like you're the kind of role model she'll be able to look up too. Your brother is in for a long hard journey as a parent in this type of situation. Be very proud of yourself because you've worked hard to establish a good life for yourself and your future family will appreciate it. I've always been a working mom too, and I hear you on the whole deadbeat=$$ anger. Some people deserve and need help, but some people really play the system.
maybe you should loosen up a little in life and not do everything "by the book." You sound at once, both entitled and bitter.
Having a baby with no good job and no prospects is scary and not something to be jealous of. This is a count your own blessings situation.
DS1 born June 2008 | m/c at 9w March 2011 | DS2 born April 2012
This sounds really familiar. Did you post and delete something like this before? If so, this is what I was going to say to your original question:
I get being irrationally annoyed. I do. But... you need to let go of the tendency to define yourself in opposition to your brother. You are more than the golden child. He is more than the black sheep. Your relationship with him - and eventually with his child - will have no chance to grow if you continue to think of yourselves that way. Maybe it doesn't anyway.
Regardless, you are not perfect, and you shouldn't feel like you have to be. You will fail. You will make poor decisions. You will be a victim of unfortunate circumstances. That's just life. If you pin your identity on being the good one, especially as compared to your brother, you'll lose a little more of yourself every time something doesn't work out. Please find a way to be more.
Huh? This is horrible advice. Yes it is sucky that your little brother has no work ethic and is apparently stealing your moment of glory. Like all the PP's said though your future childs grandparents will love them just as much. It probably will be a relief for your parents because they will only have to think about how to spoil your kids rather than how to support them. KWIM?
Advice to be the bigger person with grace is horrible?
How is this for horrible advice: Try not to be so *** stupid.
I kinda get you being pissed.
What you can't predict though is how your parents may or may not respond or be involved with this child's life vs your own.
My parents love all of their grandchildren. BUT they have been very involved with my children. Much more so that my older siblings kids, who range in age from 8 - 22yrs
Why? Because when their first grandchild was born, I was 11 and my sister was 14. They were still parenting their own kids and working fulltime. They simply didn't have the time to be "grandparents" in a traditional sense.
Now they are retired, and have lots of time to dote on my children.
Also, every child is special. Sure my mum loves my eldest, but now I have a second child? well she can't resist doting on and snuggling the new baby. Because newborn babies are very special, and you only have contact with a very few of them in your lifetime.
i do get you being ticked off, but I don't think your brother's child will take away from your parents loving and caring about any children you have.
To those of you who simply let me vent without judgement - Thank you.
To those of you saying I am showing a negative side to my character?? I didn't mention in my original post that I threw a baby shower for them, Have called everyone I know trying to get my bro job interviews, purchased the $150 baby monitor for them that they wanted, have taken the mother to be to get her nails done and shopped with her for maternity bras, helped decorate the nursery, as well as purchsed a pack and play for my home so that I can keep my little niece comfortably at my house. Just because I didn't go through all the things I have done to try and be supportive in my rant post doesn't mean I haven't done them. That post wasn't about that...it was simply me bitching a bit about my lazy bro bringing a child into an unstable home.
No I do not envy him his situation and yes I know I was never guaranteed to have the first grandchild...but that doesn't mean I can't secretly be a little pissed about the situation as a whole. I get all the points you all have made - and agree with you completely...which is why I prefaced the whole thing with, "Yes I know I am being irrational, selfish, silly and all of those other terrible things by being angry about what Im getting ready to tell you" . But please don't mistake my rant for someone who is unsupportive with a negative character. I have been in a supportive role for them from day one...and I am very excited to meet my niece regardless of the circumstances.
I get why you're pissed. I think there's some natural tendency to assign a chronological order to big life events according to age.
I'll admit, I was irritated when BIL and SIL got engaged and married (DH's brother and his wife). After all, this brother was the baby of DH's family and the first to get married, his wife is several years younger than me, DH and I had been dating twice as long. I just felt like we should have been first. It was totally irrational and immature, but it's the way I felt at the time. We had the first child. TAKE THAT BIL AND SIL! (I'm joking. Sort of.)
Anyhoo, it's natural to be pissed and it's OK to vent. Just be careful that this feeling doesn't become festering resentment. Enjoy your niece, be there for her, be a positive role model. Maybe some good will come of this and she'll finally be the inspiration to your brother to become a stable father figure (I wouldn't hold my breath for that one).
When you have a child, you'll enjoy it more knowing you'll be able to provide for it. And the other posters are right. Each grandchild is really special, no matter what number they are.
Doing "nice" things doesn't override the bad heart (jealousy, entitlement, judgement) from whence character stems.
Look, I have the same brother and nearly the same situation. But I love him, no matter his choices in life, and I will always lead with compassion, hope, and confidence that he'll come around. Never once have I felt the emotions you have.
On another note, you may want to reconsider some boundary issues. He is not your "project", and it is not your job to fix him or his coordinate life. Give him and his family some room to act; they may just surprise you.