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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: First post here MIL problems
You say these things, but what do you do to back up what you say, to make pissing you off worse for him than pissing off his mother? Why are you kowtowing to what other relatives think?
You're refusing to rock the boat just as much as your husband is.
I usually stop doing things for him. I nag him until he does say something. Perhaps I am a bit more soft on him than I should. I usually just stop cooking for him and doing his laundry, etc. As far as why I know what others are saying, DH was upset last time and talked to me about what he can say. We have talked about moving for a bit and I think he finally gets it. His uncle has said something to the affect of "She just wants to move you from your family and leave you." That's the farthest thing from the truth! I want to live in an area where we can afford things easier. DH was worried that I was planning on leaving once we were in a different area.
When I tell her to stop myself I'm labeled a *** so I've stopped. The problem is my husband is too much of a pansy to do it himself.
This is not paid childcare. This is her doing you a favour, and you doing her other favours. Do you make an agreement before hand that you will buy so many groceries for her personal use of her choosing in direct return for her looking after the kids?
It's not the acknowledgement that's wrong, it's you thinking that for her to acknowledge your kids she MUST babysit.
2- your DH thinks you're going to leave him if you move? So... he is a little clued in that things aren't perfect. But still, he's making the CHOICE to kowtow to his mom over you?
I guess what I'm missing from this - you dont' seem to be INFURIATED at the things his mom says about your children, and neither does HE. The two of you are the parents and protectors of those boys. Cripes - even if your DH puts you 2nd to his mom, as a parent, he should be putting his children first.
That's what I just don't get out of all of this. Neither of you seems to be ANGRY about the $hit she says (And no, you're not angry when you're sitting here getting upset that she won't come and watch them....)
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You sound like a wonderful mother. I love the part where you say their diagnosis is just another part of who they are, like their eye color.
Your MIL is clearly a witch and cancer on your family. Why in the world would you care if someone in the family called you "horrible" by staying away from her?
Your story reminds me of my grandmother. She was an amazing woman who loved her children. Her MIL favored her oldest and treated her third like dirt -as small children. Even though she lived in a small, tight-knit community she didn't tolerate the favoritism and she never expected her MIL to change. My deeply obedient and deeply caring, soft spoken grandmother stopped visiting her MIL and stopped being hurt by her. My grandmother would have been 100 years old last month. What you're dealing with is not new. I share this to give you some perspective. I hope it helps and gives you strength to face who your MIL really is and stop expecting any different.
And you chose to marry this man. I am wondering why.
Holy crow. All this mess over where you had your wedding.
The RV rental was a perfect solution for her! What's the big sh!t here and flak and static?? (and as a dog and bird owner, I can see her point; maybe she had a bad experience with a kennel or 2 and now she trusts nobody to watch her dogs but this is much too damn much)
You are a kind and considerate person. This mess with your H and his mother has to stop --- the kids pick up on this stuff and they'll get it that things are pretty much horrible with their grandmother and you.
They will also pick up on the fact that your H won't stick up for you. This isn't a healthy situation for you or the kids --- maybe if you told him that, he'd finally get it --- and I urge you to go to counseling with him. He needs to go direly -- he's got to stand up to her (and it isn't easy; some parents sure have a way of getting under your skin; we had that kid of nonsense happening in our home, too, as kids)
Because her true nasty colors didn't start this badly until much later. He is finally starting to understand.
You need to stop worrying about what your MIL thinks of you, or what your DH's extended family thinks of you. Yes, it's nice to be "liked," but not if you have to suffer being treated badly in order to receive everyone's approval!
Your DH should know that it doesn't matter what they THINK of you, but if they TREAT you badly, they will not see you, him, or the boys.
I would also pull back from MIL. You don't have to "stop speaking to her" in a big dramatic way. Just don't call her, don't pick up her phone calls. Don't make plans to see her. Let your H handle that. If the ILS complain "you are a b*tch that hever calls your MIL," smile and say "I call my own family, dh calls his. Really, my hands are full taking care of 4 boys!" Please don't try to force her on your children, or force your sons on her. If your DH feels it's time to see MIL -- let him take the kids when his shift is over!
You need to stop expecting her to change. She is a backstabbingbitch. She wants the label of Grandma, but doesn't really want to do anything about it. She doesn't want to spend time with the kids. She doesn't want to babysit them. She spent time with them when they were infants and she's done. Accept it. The biggest problem here is that you can't realize who she is and you keep expecting her to change. You get your hopes up and are disappointed time and time again. You are torturing yourself. What you want isn't going to happen. Accept it.
As for cutting her off, you don't have to make a huge deal about it. Just stop calling her. Stop spending time with her. Stop answering her calls. If someone else in the family asks, say you were busy. Don't get into a war of words with her or her family because you will probably lose. Don't badmouth her either. Be cordial at family functions and leave it at that.
He's leaving you to pull the entire load of their toxicity and he doesn't care that you do.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: Too bad for his mother and the extended family! Who cares what they say or what they think: he should let it be known their rotten behavior is not acceptable and they will no longer be in your lives..
YOu and he are THE family, along with your sons. Doesn't he get that much? Apparently not, if he won't tell them where to go once and for all and cut them off for good. These people need to be out of your lives; they're divisive and rotten and toxic.
I agree. That delightful comment from her would have been the last straw for me.
I'm betting that your husband has been well aware of how..."difficult" his mom is for quite some time. And maybe in some ways, you became a buffer between them, because he really has no idea how to deal with her. But how ever it started, enough is enough.
Yes, she's the grandmother of your children, but she's never going to be grandmotherly towards them in any way. She's proved that to you time and time again. She's a ***. She's not going to change, and it does suck. But really, she's the one making that choice. She's the one missing out on a meaningful relationship with your boys.
Be polite/cordial at family gatherings, and leave it at that. If any extended family has a problem with it, then that's too damn bad. Let them deal with her if they think it's such a walk in the park!
I am starting to believe that your horribile MIL is mentally ill.
NOBODY can be this mean and still have all their raisins.
The bottom line:
You are suffering and your kiddoes are, too.
Your H won't stand up for you
YOU need to be more proactive in this.
When she said that to you about your allegedly "faulty eggs" I am suprised you didn't deck her one and then kick her into 2050 somewhere. WOW, just WOW.
I have to roll out the heavy artillery here:
RETHINK your H --- it should take you about half a second -- and then make plans to dump him and get away from this entire bunch of *$(#*s.
See an attorney; get your finances in order and get child support and custody out of the way -- and then file.
Go home to your parents, anywhere - do anything but stay with this pvssy that you married.
Do it now --- because pretty soon there'll be such a divide between the two of you that will come to a very ugly head. It's already not pretty and when this ugly blow up happens, it'll make what's happening now between you and your H look like a fine art exhibit in the Louvre.:(
Get rid of him. It's the only logical thing to do. Enough is enouigh.
You need to get mad.
What are you getting out of being with his family? Anything?
You need to tell your DH that you are making a stand, and he needs to decide who is more important, your kids, or his mother.
This is great, but if you issue an ultimatum you have to be prepared to stand behind it immediately.
"it's the kids and me or them. Decide right now" -- and if he cannot immediately say it's you and the kids, you open the door and tell him to go...before you call the police and they MAKE him go.
And that he is not to return, because you are filing for divorce.
THAT is how it works.
I know how it worksw because I did something exactly like that; he left and I have never been happier.
When I talked to DH about things yesterday afternoon and again this morning his response was "I didn't realize how nasty she was until recently. He was pissed about her telling me I caused our children's delays and he said she talked to her about it telling her to stop making comments that were horrible to me. WE agreed it didn't matter who passed on the genetic change was that we love and adore our children no matter what. I made it clear that HE is in charge of communication and if need be he can go over to functions with the kids but I'm not going to be comfortable doing so. I don't see how he could be comfortable taking kids that are treated the way they are but I'm going to let that up to him.
I did tell him I fully expected him to discuss what is going on with his mother. I don't need to hear the conversation but I want to know when he has done it. He told me she's going to give the same bullshit excuse she does every other time "I didn't mean it like that" or "She is twisting my words". I loaded him with a few responses for example "I heard you tell my wife that she caused our children's delays. She's not twisting that one." and "We are raising our children. You were out of line." I told him to stop using excuses and tell her to stop treating me and our children like caca. He needs to understand that his family is me and our children and we need to be his priority.
I've talked to one of DH's aunts after things were rough about a year into our marriage. I was going to counseling for my PPD after having our twins. DH was brought in on some sessions and we ended up bring MIL in on some. DH's aunt babysat for us. His aunt yelled at MIL. She's told her in the past that she is horrible and needs to keep her opinions to herself. DH's aunt also believes there is some sort of mental illness going on with MIL I believe DH has Asperger's which is partly why he is oblivious to some things.
Tarpoon, as far as my "faulty" eggs, I reminded her my eggs work fine. They might not come as often but they are fine. In fact, DH had motility issues. Our use of IVF was a bunch of reasons but we didn't tell her the exact reason and IMO, it's none of her business. She was told to stop placing blame and start accepting her grandchildren for who they are and not the genetic material they may have. I gave her and every other family member information on the 16p syndrome and explained to her what autism is. IMO, there's still a level of denial and blame. When you have a special need child it's similar to other stages of grief. You have to accept, etc just as you do for other things. I also blamed and got mad. I blamed myself and thought "If I did just this one thing would he be as impaired as he is? As far as my 6 year old, I sank into a bit of a depression thinking "yet another child with an issue" and was mad at myself for missing the signs. I questioned multiple people but everyone else missed things as well. I've accepted my boys and have made peace with things. I don't expect that that everyone does but what I do expect is those who don't will keep their opinions to themselves.
Nope; enough is enough.
Nothing will change this woman. She's toxic and a pig.
He needs to cut her and the rest of that funky bunch off, as of right now.
I would not accept anything less, nor would I accept a buried hatchet from this dreadful woman and the rest of them.
Cutting them off and getting away from them will be the best thing to happen to you, your H and the kids -- and if he won't do that, rethink staying married to this guy.
He has a character issue: he has no respect for you and that cannot be helped. By some miracle, his mother could turn into a saint overnight but it won't do anything about your H's zero character and zero respect for you.
And a character issue is a great deal more significant than any MIL problem.
Therapy for you stat You do not seem to get it that your H won't stand up for you and that you are supposed to come first.
If you won't leave this creep, I suggest therapy for you and him together. This is an skewed marriage dynamic and an unhealthy atmosphere for your kids.
He talked to her today and she apologized but told him I called at a bad time and I am in the wrong but she's sorry she hurt my feelings. IMO, this isn't an apology. She said it to get him to shut up. He and I ended in a shouting match about how he disregards me and the kids. I don't want an "I'm sorry but you caused it." How 5th grade is that?! I told him there will be NO communication that she will get from me again. HE can handle 100% of everything.
I told him that I feel he has no respect for me if he thinks her behavior is ok.He has no respect for his children if he thinks she can talk the way she is and thinks it is ok. He should have cut her off when she started telling him it was my fault. I did snap the other night but only after she said she had raised my children. My response was something like "Really? Where do you get off saying that? You hardly see your grandsons?"
He agreed to have me look for a job that is not around here but is worried that he won't be able to find a job. He is an engineer working in plastics and prototyping. It's hard to find a job in that specific field. If he isn't working for a bit so be it. It's better than having a family dynamic like this. I can't do it anymore.
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