Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Intro (LONG-sorry)
Kuus won't like this but I think someone had to listen to their spouse whine about about how they don't like their body and don't feel attractive for the last two years despite their reassurance to the contrary, you'd be looking for the emotionless orgasm too.
I'm not saying this dude is an effin winner here but I would lay large amounts of money here that she's not the only one who isn't getting what they need and I don't mean sexually. I can't imagine how I'd feel if H kept telling me he feels unattractive no matter what I do to show him I don't agree.
Click me, click me!
I get where you're coming from here, but it would be a little different if he put some action behind his words. Exactly what I get from him is this, "You'll always be beautiful to me". This is sweet and kind, yes, but when there's no other affection to go with it, it doesn't mean a whole lot. And, I'm not just talking sex, even hugs, kisses, hell any kind of affection - it's not there unless I initiate. This is part of why I feel so effing bad about myself. I feel like if he won't touch me without being forced to, there has got to be something wrong with me!
Definitely get individual counseling as well as couples counseling. You need to work on yourself apart from your marriage.
Was he touchy feely before you got pregnant?
I know you said he turns your down when you initiate but how exactly do you initiate and how exactly does he turn you down? What kind of job does he have? Do you know what exactly turns him on or are you initiating in ways that would turn you on or that you think should turn on any man? When does he prefer to have sex?
Have you thought about how he feels and not just your half of the equation? Because from what I see, you're getting pissed that he's not responding the way you want him to but I wonder if you're responding to him in ways that trigger him.
Click me, click me!
Click me, click me!
For starters, he's not a child. You can't lecture him, plead with him, and then stand back and hope for a change. Actually, that doesn't even work with children. You're going to have to work to actively get him engaged in doing what you need him do. You can't just say, hey, you should help with the kid more and then wait a few days to see what happens.
When it's time to give little miss a bath, tell him so. aka "here, bathe her while I do the dishes/put her to bed I'll be in the shower/OMG, I'm pitching your kid out of the window if I don't get out of this house, take her, I'm going to walmart for a couple hours." If he balks, tell him you're tired and this is what you need him to do right now. Don't let him get out of it. The more you make him do, the more he'll do on his own. But right now, you've let 15 month pass of him doing the minimum so just like how New Year's resolutions fail because breaking habits is hard, he's unable to stick to his intentions.
Secondly, you're going to have deliberately plans more interactions. The fact of the matter is that you're both disconnected from each other and simply having more sex isn't going to do it. You don't just meet a person and start banging them in a vaccuum. The relationship becomes sexual as the relationship grows and you become more attached. So perhaps instead of focusing on getting intercourse, you should focus on spending time together.
Do you have any television shows you watch with each other? Do you have dinner together every night? You should come up with some kind of non-sexual routine you can look forward to and show affect to each other that way. I wonder if he isn't responding affectionately because he's linking those gestures to sex. Did you link those gestures to sex while you were pregnant or just after the baby was born and turn him down accordingly?
I'm not trying to say this is all your fault and you need to be the one to fix it because that's not true. It's just been a series of small events that have wedged between you. But if you sit around waiting for him to change and he sits around waiting for you to change, guess what? Shiit isn't getting down.
So by all means, get some counseling. But you also need to make a concerted effort not just to change things but to engage him in that change as well. Even if all you do is carve out 45 minutes a day to unwind and watch some show on netflix you've both been meaning to watch or if you two put the baby in a stroller and go out for a walk around the block after dinner every night, it would help.
Click me, click me!
I have to say that this part made me laugh a little, but that is very true. We have a lot of rebuilding to do before things are going to fall back into place. We have been actively trying to carve out more time for each other, but I think we're so far disconnected and hurt by so many little things, it'll definitely take a while before it starts to make a real difference. I actually thought that we were on the mend for a little while, spending more time together, trying to treat each other better, and then the last couple weeks have broken it all back down. I feel like he doesn't respect my feelings at all, and the fact that he lied to me still stings. At this point, I'm not angry at him, but I'm still hurt and upset that he totally disregarded my feelings and lied to me. I feel like my trust has been betrayed. Since Monday night I've felt like I have a huge lump in my throat and could break down and start balling my eyes out at any moment. He comes home tomorrow night and I'm honestly nervous. I don't know what to do or where to start when he gets home. I'm obviously not going to start yelling at him or anything like that...I'm not mad anymore. I'm just hurt. I'm lining up daycare options and setting up our appointment for our first counseling session in a couple weeks, but until then, I'm lost.