Military Nesties
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Anybody in (or have a spouse in) the Reserves or National Guard?
My husband is interested in joining the military. His dream would be to become a full time pilot, but I'm not on board with that type of commitment.
His compromise is to join the Reserves or National Guard. Honestly, I'd rather he not join at all. Please see the following link for my original post on married life.
(edited to fix link)
ETA: my update from this morning
I guess my questions for you are:
What is the life really like?
Do you feel like you're missing out on anything due to this commitment?
Have you had to live through a deployment?
Do you have any advice for me?
ETA: What are some positives to this lifestyle?
Thank you!
Re: Anybody in (or have a spouse in) the Reserves or National Guard?
Your link doesn't work for me.
Life really depends on what your job is and how much you really dedicate to the Guard/Reserves. Sure you can do one weekend a month and two weeks a year but if you ever want to go anywhere in your career there's at least a school a year, if not more.
What do you mean missing out? Is he gone? Yes. Am I gone? Yes.
I've deployed once, him twice, so yes, we've "lived" through a deployment.
If you're not open to the idea, you're going to regret this entire thing and end up resenting your husband. If you don't support him, it's going to kill him. You need to really think about this and talk it out as a couple.
I served 6 years in the Reserves. I loved it. I would have loved to go active, but it wasn't right for my family. I also chose to get out instead of continuing on. My dream was to retire from service. However, my husband is an active duty soldier. He plans to retire. We have four kids and his job requires him to be gone 20-30 weeks of ever year. It was best for me to get out and find a new direction. It was a tough choice. I am still sad about it every now and then, but it was the right choice.
That being said, I don't see the Reserves or the National Guard as a compromise to wanting to serve on AD. Everyone thinks it's one weekend a month and two weeks a year. Not always so. First, he goes to Basic : 9 weeks. Then he goes to AIT. That depends on his MOS. I did what is called OSUT or One Stop Unit Training. That means you do Basic and AIT all at once with the same people and instructors. I was injured half way through. What was supposed to be 17 weeks turned into 8 months.
After Basic and AIT, he'll return home to train with his unit. Training is typically the same weekend every month. My unit always training on the first weekend of the month unless a holiday fell during that time and then it was the next weekend. Some of those weekend are Just Saturday and Sunday from 7- 5ish. Some were from Thursday night to Sunday night. Because I drilled with a unit 3 hours away from my home, I was always gone from Friday night to Sunday evening. You can ask to reschedule training, but that is ulitmately up to your command. If they no, you are SOL. I still missed birthdays, anniversaries, parties and such.
When it comes to your two weeks, it isn't always two weeks. Our AT (anual training) was usually more like 3 weeks because of prep and travel time. Sometimes, we did it at our home unit where we just went in like it was a normal 7-4 day and then had the evenings off. There were other times where we went to California, NV, NY, Italy and other places. While we were preparing for deployment, we spent 30 days in CA. Right before deployment, it was 2 months in Ft Drum, NY. After, it was 30 days another stateside base. There are time when he will be sent to schools in order to gain a promotion or to gain expirience for the unit and himself. Those schools can be a week. Some are much longer. A friend of mine just left for a 6 week course.
Back to the deployment thing, he can be deployed. It may be Afghanistan. It could be somewhere else. A guy a went to Basic with has been in New Mexico on assignment for 18 months. His unit is based in MI. His family chose to move down to NM to be with him about a year ago. They are getting ready to move back now that his time there is almost up. Just because he trains with one unit doesn't mean he deploys with them. Other units can call him up to ship out with them if they need him. In the Guard, he can also be called up at anytime when the state needs him. Natural disasters are just one reason for that.
I don't say any of this to warn people not to do it. I loved my time in and would love to still be doing it. I say it so you know he won't just be "playing soldier" every now and then and you still get to have him home all the time. It doesn't always work like that.
Frankly, If this is something that is really important to him and you are that against it, y'all need to have some very open discussions about where your relationship is headed.
Can I ask why you are so against him going active? What has you so opposed to it?
First, thanks so much for all the information you provided.
I am so against him going active for several reasons (and some of these apply to a part time military commitment too).
1. I have a really good job that will probably not be transferable elsewhere in the country. It has taken me a long time to get to where I am now career-wise, and it would be hard to just give that up.
2. We would be required to live anywhere the military so chooses, without any say whatsoever. We moved 3 years ago and again last year and feel really happy where we are now. I just want to be settled and have a home.
3. It is a long time commitment, especially for a pilot. There's no changing your mind in the middle of your assignment. We'd have to stick it out, no matter how much we enjoy it.
4. He has an advanced degree in the medical field and is currently getting his MBA to expand his career options. I feel like he should give the future jobs a chance before completely changing his career.
5. I am scared. I'm scared that he'll be hurt in any manner. I'm especially scared of any type of brain injury or mental health issue. I worked in a group home for people with TBI, and I can't imagine seeing my husband go through that.
6. I'm also scared of being left alone to run our lives and take care of (future, hypothetical) children by myself. I'm also scared he'll miss out on important parts of those children's lives and our children will miss their father.
I'm not trying to be difficult, but I don't see how those things can happen in regular civilian jobs.
He won't be asked to move (and if he is, we can make a choice whether or not to do so), make a time commitment, be put in harm's way (though I am well aware accidents can happen at any time), or be asked to leave his family for an extended period of time.
My husband traveled 9 months last year for his job, he missed weddings, parties, birthdays. Could he have left? Sure. But we have bills to pay. His company lost his contract on New Years Eve and he wasn't offered a job with the new company, instead he was offered one half way across the country, we decided to take it. I was in a car accident last year that pretty much crushed my back, I may now be facing a medical board to be forced out of the military. Things happen.
I'm sure there are benefits. Someone else suggested going with him to visit a recruiter. I'd be willing to see what they have to say.
My husband and I have had so many conversations about this, it's ridiculous. I just want to make it clear I'm not shutting him down without listening. If I wasn't interested in hearing what it's all about from people who are actually living the life, I wouldn't have posted here. I love him; I want him to be happy; I also want to be happy, which is why I'm trying to glean information from anywhere I can.
I appreciate you taking the time to answer my questions, and you've given me something to think about, for sure.
2. We would be required to live anywhere the military so chooses, without any say whatsoever. We moved 3 years ago and again last year and feel really happy where we are now. I just want to be settled and have a home.
This isn't necessarily the case. My husband got his top pick of where he wanted to live. I know more people who got their top than people who didn't. I also don't feel unsettled. Our home is our home because of who is in it not because of where it's located.
3. It is a long time commitment, especially for a pilot. There's no changing your mind in the middle of your assignment. We'd have to stick it out, no matter how much we enjoy it.
Again, this isn't always the case. There are ways to swap with people who are in the same job but at a base you want to be at. It's not the most common procedure but it's possible.
5. I am scared. I'm scared that he'll be hurt in any manner. I'm especially scared of any type of brain injury or mental health issue. I worked in a group home for people with TBI, and I can't imagine seeing my husband go through that.
This I completely understand. I've learned to trust the training that my H & his fellow Marines have received as much as possible.
6. I'm also scared of being left alone to run our lives and take care of (future, hypothetical) children by myself. I'm also scared he'll miss out on important parts of those children's lives and our children will miss their father.
It's what you make it. Deployments can suck because you mope around and be sad or you can use them as a learning/growing experience for your relationship.
I agree with BLT. You don't seem to even be really considering it which I think is sucky.
I can tell you, from his perspective, the desire to serve will always be there. I enlisted at 17, I had known since I was a kid that it was what I wanted to do. I've had two different jobs(one communications, the other military police). I've had a fabulous 7 year career. I have met amazing people, been to several places, gotten a ton of experience, and frankly the thought of me getting out scares me. If you have more questions specific to the Guard, let me know.
I think each of these is a really legitimate concern, and I can kind of see why Guard or Reserves would be a compromise. Was your H open about this prior to marriage?
Again, thanks for responding to my post. I'm happy to hear that more people than not get their first choice. That is encouraging.
Unfortunately, I can't convince you that I'm actually considering it. I have spent months considering this life choice. I have asked advice from friends and family members, some of which have served in the military. I have soul searched. I have written out so many pros and cons lists, trying my hardest to come up with pros to him joining the military.
Wouldn't it be nice if I thought it was a great idea and the perfect choice for us, and he could join and we wouldn't even have a problem?? The answer is "yes." I'd love to be able to tell him that I'm on board with this 100% and that I can't wait to start this life. It's not that easy for me.
Somehow I didn't realize this was still a dream of his. He had mentioned during college that sometime he wished he'd enlisted straight out of high school and gone to college later, but I didn't know it was still "on the table" at this point in his life.
I guess I'm confused. Is the Guard your full time job? Please forgive me, but I don't know how everything works (obviously). I know some people do the one weekend a month, 2 weeks a year thing, but some choose to have the Guard be full time, right?
My husband would choose the one weekend a month option, can you tell me if there is a difference between trainings/deployments between the two options?
I forgot to quote, but I don't think it's fair to discount your career for his dream, especially if this is a forever job for you. You're not a life ruining killjoy because he had not made this decision prior to getting married, when you had the chance to walk away easily.
I don't think it would be fair of him to go active duty, honestly. He wasn't honest about this being "on the table" as you said. Your reasons 4-6 are less valid for *me*. They're things that you kind of do just learn to deal with. But my H is an AD Marine, and has not gotten his first choice of duty station before (and I'd say the MC is most likely for that (getting where you want) because it has the least places to go, and it's major bases are giant).
Thanks for correcting me. It's important that I know what actually happens instead of just going by what I thought I read somewhere (if that makes any sense). And thanks for coming over here to post that.
Yes. Well, it has been. I worked full time for my National Guard unit doing paperwork and preparing stuff for Soldiers. I wore the uniform every day, got paid like I was on active duty, etc.
There is a bit of a difference but if a unit gets deployed, they're all going. Some full timers go to more training than a weekender but that's not always the case. The only real difference is that one person shows up at the unit in uniform every day, the other only does it once a month.
Ditto.
ETA: sorry, I tried to bold my answers, but I couldn't make it work.
PPs pretty much have the lifestyle aspects covered but I wanted to point out one more thing.
You really should go talk to the recruiter with him. MH is in pilot training right now and it's incredibly competitive, especially for older guys. The majority of guys applying are still in college and about to commission, at 22. MH got accepted to pilot training at 28, but we jumped through a million hoops and really, honestly didn't think he was going to get accepted since he needed two waivers for being "old".
If he wants to be a pilot, he can't enlist. He has to commission as an officer. Even getting into the military as an officer right now is extremely hard, never mind getting into pilot training. There are (at least) to women on the board right now who are applying to commission and I'm sure they can tell you more about the process and how long and hard it is.
I'm not trying to tell you this to dissuade you even further, but to help you realize that it's worth talking to the recruiter because I'm not sure your H realizes the long road ahead of him and he may think differently about it or at least appreciate your perspective more if he fully understands what he's trying to do.
This is very, very true. I've been trying to get in since last year as an O. It's been difficult to say the least, with roadblock after roadblock. I'd say your H's saving grace could be his earlier mentioned 'advanced medical degree'. Depending on that, his skills could be considered necessary to the military. Or not. I'm 27. Originally, I was good to go for an attempt at selection on the March board. Then I needed surgery, then my medical records were lost, and then, and then, and then. Now I'm looking at selection over the summer for an OCS date of late fall, after I'm 28, which means age waiver, which they're not giving out right now. :'(
He recently turned 27, so he doesn't have much time if he wants to commission as an officer, hoping to get a pilot slot. Also, once he's in is it true that they can put him wherever they want if he doesn't make the cut to be a pilot? I'm just asking because if he had to do the same job he does now, that would be seriously shitty.
Besides being a pilot, what does your H want to *do* in the military. I know you mentioned he has a health career background, that is something he can translate into the mil world.
A lot of your concerns (moving, injuries, etc) will depend on what branch he wants, and what career he chooses. Some careers are everywhere, some careers are only in a few places.
FWIW, when I started dating DH he was at the Air Force Academy, and I was very hesitant about things being long term for us because of many of the reasons you have stated. MH is a behavioral scientist. I can honestly say I really enjoy the military lifestyle, and even the moving around (which I never thought I would for the same reasons you have stated).
I dont think anyone has mentioned this, but many of us have FAQ button in our signatures, poke around on that link to see if anything is helpful.
ETA: I have successfully transferred my career to both locations we have been at since he got in. I am a therapist, so its kind of a pain to get all the licesening things straightened out, but its been worth it.
I changed my name
Yes, you're right. He agrees that it wouldn't be best for us if I had to give up my job, so active duty would be hardest. He grew up with his father in the military (never deployed), so he doesn't mind the idea of moving around. He said he'd remember if he thought it was a hardship.
He says he "hates his job" and that he can use the MBA any time later in life, but he's not getting any younger so the time to join the military is now.
He says that accidents can happen at any time. He could get in a car accident and have a head injury, so we shouldn't not do something because we're afraid of what might happen at any given time.
He says it's not like he's going to miss so much of his children's lives that they're going to forget him. He says they have support groups for people whose spouses are deployed.