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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Anybody in (or have a spouse in) the Reserves or National Guard?
I get the impression he's somewhat dismissive of your concerns. How do his responses make you feel?
Military life isn't for everyone and there's no shame in admitting that...I don't think his saying "oh I don't remember it being bad for me" is a good response. First he was a child with limited responsibilities and secondly I'm sure time has changed his perspective on things.
Also, what is stopping him from hating being a pilot in a few years...he can't just up and quit. I get the impression he doesn't really know what he wants out of life. Has he told you what about the military and pilot life specifically appeals to him?
I'm with a few of the PP, accidents are going to happen in the military and civilian life...you definitely can't plan your life around the what-if. TBIs and PTSD and amputations, etc aren't just limited to service members.
It makes me feel like he doesn't really care how I feel about it or isn't taking my concerns seriously.
I worry about him not liking being in the military either, but in this situation you don't just get to quit and find the next thing that's supposed to make you happy.
I guess I need to get over the accidents happening thing. I just feel like he's putting himself more at risk. Is that stupid? I honestly don't know. I feel like, yes, things can happen at any time, but I try to make choices that will make those things less likely. I know you can't control every situation, but you can control whether or not you enlist. *edited for my insensitivity. I'm sorry.
I have told him I don't want him to resent me if he doesn't join, but I don't want to resent him if he does. I think he knows I'll stick it out no matter what and is willing to gamble that I'll get over it. idk
I feel like one of us will end up losing and how do I prevent that from ruining my marriage? I feel like even if he chooses Guard or Reserves, I'm losing (but I guess he's maybe losing too since he won't be active duty).
A) Your last line is a little insensitive, just because there are people on this board who have spouses who do that. I know you didn't mean it that way, but it is.
Fair enough on the accident thread.
You've gotten a lot of really good and honest perspective from people living it first hand. I would take a day or two to yourself and write down all of your concerns, be as detailed as possible, and then discuss them again with your husband. Ask him not to offer a counter argument but rather just listen and think about your concerns for a few days and then revisit the discussion again.
You can't quit but you can always try and switch jobs. It's not as dead end as you think.
And I agree that it looks like he's looking to make this decision and somewhat dismissing your concerns.
I'm sorry. That was inconsiderate. I edited my original post. Thank you SO MUCH for the information. I think he'd love to be a Marine (even more so since they don't have a medical group), so that information was helpful.
I have so much to think about from this post. I really want to thank everyone for telling me your story and filling me in on what your lives are actually like and giving me such great advice.
I think I will take the advice to take a day or so and really think hard about everything we talked about, write a few things down, and have another discussion.
I know! Part of me is concerned that he'll never be satisfied and will always be looking for the next best thing.
I'm on this train. I know in the beginning of this thread I was basically telling you to suck it up, but now I think your H needs to slow his role.
Also, him dismissing your concerns regarding a huge life change is alarming and I'm not sure I would want a future with someone like that. Does he do that in other aspects of your life too?
MH joined when we were dating. I struggled with his decision as both my brothers were in (one reserve one active). I wasn't really sure I could handle the lifestyle. That being said I was there for him all through his trainings (between basic and AIT his trainings were abou 8-9 months). Then I went through a deployment with him. After doing all this I decided I could handle it. That being said I know you don't have that option as you guys are already married.
I will say I haven't really started my career we got married about 9 months after I finished all my schooling and hadn't yet gotten a job. I still don't have the job I want (a school teacher, I work in child care which is close). It can definitly be a career killer as it has been with me, but if you are established you might have more luck.
Definitly go with him to the recruiter and ask questions. There are pros and cons to this lifestyle. Alsp MH wasn't (and still isn't) completely sure what he wants to for a career. He likes his job now in the Army more than any other thing he has ever done. And I have noticed that he has been happier in this job than his previous, even though he isn't sure he wants to do it 20 years. We also have an agreement that if I should get a good job in my desired field that he would highly likely not reenlist in a few years (or if he did he would try to stay at the same base or close to where we are currently, there about about 4 bases within a 2 hour radius that he could go re-enlist to go to (if they still do that by the time his re-enlistment comes up)). Officer selection is competitive and like you said he is almost at his age cutoff.
Other pp have given you great advice. Honestly if you are independent the lifestyle isn't too bad. Yes there are times it sucks, H's last TDY (training where he was away for awhile) was bad for us but I was going through some medical stuff then too which made it worse. Thankfully it was only a TDY and only a couple weeks.
ETA: H has not gotten any of his base picks (this last move we had four options and got to choose one base but other than that he has been SOL with base picks). H also tried to exchange bases with someone out of AIT, same rank and everything, it was not approved despite the fact that they both wanted the others assigned base. Also with reclassing there are quite a few MOS's (specific job in Army not sure of other branchs names for these) that have too many people in them so it might not be possible.
The Dogs and Us
Yes, he's still completing his MBA. He's taking one or two classes a quarter while working. He is scheduled to be done at about this time next year, unless of course he joins the military, which would cause him to have to delay his graduation.
I agree that him going AD might be a simpler (doesn't seem like the right word) route just because it wouldn't add to what we have going on in our lives already - it would replace it.
My brain is now officially a pile of mush from trying to sort this all out. You've been really helpful in pointing things out I didn't know/hadn't considered/didn't want to admit. lol
lol to people saying you can get your first choice location. I think the OP is exactly right to be concerned about that if her H wants to be a pilot. There's no switching jobs with that, either.
I don't know how it works in guard/reserves, but I do know quite a bit about the ad pilot world.
First, getting a slot is hard. Then you go through nearly 2 years of training. The type of plane you fly determines where you'll live. Yeah, you can make requests, and H got the first plane he wanted, but he also didn't ask for the most popular one.
Here's the catch, though. Once you finish pilot training, you owe 10 years. And, you're right, OP, to be nervous about that if it's not a lifestyle that works out for you. I don't think a lot of people responding here realize that you'd be committing to 12 years (if ng/reserves is the same as ad commitment).
Even my H, who had a medical issue develop after he was flying, was held to the commitment, even though he no longer can fly planes. So, he owes a total minimum of 12 years, in a job that doesn't have that kind of commitment.
I don't think you'll kill him if you decide this isn't for you. It's a huge thing he's asking/demanding. And, no, it's not easy to transfer a career. Trust me. It doesn't matter how many degrees or how well established you are if you go to a tiny town in northern Japan that simply doesn't have jobs.
In the field he's in now, no one is approved to cross train out b/c of manning issues.
All of this. H will have almost 13 years in when his commitment is over. I desperately want a career, but that all depends on where we move and what the market is like in those areas. It is the most frustrating thing for me. I want to be established somewhere, but then again, I signed up for this because DH had his career already mapped out for him when we met.
Also, your H has to prove his worth in pilot training for him to get what he wants. Otherwise they tell him what to fly and where to go. And that is even IF he gets a pilot slot at this point.
I am sorry that you are feeling so cornered, OP. I would be too. Especially if I felt more established in my career.
I also agree with this. Not to be the bearer of bad news, H never got his top choices, he's always gotten the last place on his list. On our last PCS, he was even guaranteed at least his choice of coast from his previous orders, but even that didn't hold and no we're here in VA. Also, part of the reason why we didn't get married sooner was because I would have had to move to Japan(he was in Yokosuka for over 3 years), and there would have been nothing for me to do there. All the spouses I knew from there were SAHM.
To answer some of OP's questions, I have been through deployments with H. We've knocked out 4 and he is about to go on a 5th one in a few months. This will be 5 deployments in just about 4 1/2 years. So basically my H has been on every single year. I'm not going to lie, it's been rough and I am getting quite a bit sick of deployments at this point but this should hopefully be his last one as we should be going to a shore command after this.
If this really is a dream of your H's, be open minded about it and like others said do go meet a recruiter with him, although he does seem a bit wishy washy with his career choices. Like someone said, this isn't a lifestyle for everyone. Hope you 2 can decide on what will be best for you both. Good luck!
Thanks Sibil & Kara for sharing your experiences. I can't believe your H (kara) has had so many deployments in such a short time! That sounds like it would be so hard, I honestly can't even imagine doing that. And Sibil, I'm sorry about your husband's medical issues preventing him from flying.
I appreciate your honesty about your experiences, and thanks for the well wishes - I feel like I need them!
It's definitely not an easy decision to be on board with, and as many PP's have said this life isn't for everyone. H had been in for 6 years when we met so I never had to go through joining, but I knew from the time I met him that he was planning on making it a career, and he is AD. So it definitely took a lot of thought and conversations before deciding that I was on board with it all.
I had a full time teaching job that I gave up to move with him, and it's been 2 years since I've taught. We ended up having to PCS twice in a year and a half so I didn't bother trying to teach in our last station. I'm now in the process of getting my certification here, and in the meantime have worked smaller jobs making much less money. I miss teaching, and I miss having a career and the extra money, but for me it came down to what I loved more, my job or my H.
I definitely agree with the others about going to see the recruiter with him so you can ask your questions too. If he really wants to go AD, then it seems like Reserves of NG would be the compromise. Would he be willing to wait it out until after he finishes his MBA and then decide if he still wants to join? He definitely seems like he just has no clue what he really wants to do. But at the same time, if this is something he has always wanted to do, maybe he just is never satisfied because he's not a pilot.