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Have we talked about this Mommy War article?
http://shine.yahoo.com/parenting/this-is-what-a-stay-at-home-mom-does-all-day-2522745.html
I saw red when I read a letter to an advice column from a childless woman who suspects her friend is lying about being busy all day. "I'm feeling like the kid is an excuse to relax and enjoy," she says, so "why won't my friend tell me the truth?" She wonderswhat are stay-at-home-moms doing all day that they can't call or email?
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I know I'm preaching to the choir here, and the advice columnist seems to physically restrain herself from reaching out to wring the letter-writer's neck. Still, I thought I might detail a typical day alone with the kids. That way, when your friend whines at you for not answering her email about her roommate eating her potato chips (yes, that's real), you won't have to find the time and childcare to write her a reasoned response. You can just forward this to her.
Dear Person Who Wonders What SAHMs Do All Day:
I love my kids, and I am so happy. Also, I am very busy. Here's what I do.
5 a.m.: Baby wakes up in crib and wants to nurse. I nurse her and she goes back to sleep, but doesn't want to be put down. I bring her into my bed, where my sweaty toddler is already sleeping because she woke two hours earlier. Lying between them, I get only fitful sleep, because when I'm not getting a 2-year-old's foot to my head, I am worried about rolling over on the 10-month-old, or poking my husband to make him roll over so he'll stop snoring.
Both kids wake up for real at 6:30. This is actually nice and late for them. I change two diapers and try to get them both dressed, but the toddler wants to be naked for a while and rather than risk atantrum I let her run off. I get the baby changed and dressed as she performs the can-can, jamming my body against the changing table as I wrestle the top of the Baby Genie open because it's stuck again. Which means I have to change the bag. The fresh bags are in the kitchen. I take the full bag out and drag it to the front door.
I try to get food into both girls while making coffee. This involves pouring cheerios and blueberries onto the high-chair tray, making toast with cream cheese, and scrambling eggs. While I try to get the grounds out of the coffee maker, the baby climbs over to the oven and hangs off its handle. I use my foot to hold it closed. The toddler yells, "NO!" and knocks her down. The baby wails. I pick her up. This means I can't finish the coffee grounds. I put her in the high chair. The toddler pees. I help her clean up the pee. We go back into the bedroom, because now she wants to put a diaper on and I'm not about to let that opportunity pass me by.
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The baby begins wailing because she's lonesome; I'm still trying to either convince or wrestle with the toddler, who has decided she does not like the pants she picked out. Finally we return to the kitchen, and I realize that the baby is wailing because she's pooped in her nice clean diaper (the girl likes a clean canvas). I plop the toast onto the booster-seat tray, strap in the toddler, and proceed back to the bedroom to change the baby. The poop is a blowout; we need a total outfit change. I realize I haven't replaced the bag in the pail. I fold the diaper into itself and bring it to the kitchen garbage. The toddler has flung her toast because she is done.
I still have not been able to make the coffee.
I turn on the TV and make the coffee and gulp it as the girls are momentarily quiet. I straighten up the kitchen, put away the clean dishes, put up a load of wash. Then I sit down with them and watch the end of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. When it's over, the toddler asks for another one and I say no, so she shrieks at the top of her lungs for a half an hour. I bring the baby into the bathroom with me and hop in the shower, poking my head out to play peek-a-boo the whole time. Afterwards, both girls "help" me get dressed by placing items of clothes against parts of my body. This is very cute, but does not get me dressed.
The door buzzes: it's the UPS guy with the diapers from Amazon. I run down the hall wearing one sock and a bra and pray he really is who he says he is, because I am not about to open the door to check.
I resume trying to get dressed as the toddler begins jumping on the bed. She falls off and bonks her head, and leading to about 45 minutes of soothing and crying. The baby, meanwhile, appears holding a blue crayon and displaying a matching blue tongue and teeth. I attempt to fish pieces of blue out of her mouth while the toddler continues to shriek in my ear at top volume. I put the clothes in the dryer.
It is time for ballet class.
We pile into the car and I drive to my friend's house, where I put her car-seat into my back seat, then drive all the girls to the studio. I put the baby in a sling and hold both girls' hands. One toddler likes to run fast, the other ambles slowly. One toddler has to pee before class, the other is still in diapers. Helping the toddler pee involves holding her over the toilet with both hands; the baby is still in the sling; the other toddler is literally running in circles yelling, "bal-LET! Bal-LET!" We go upstairs; the ballet teacher asks me to put the girls' hair up and I punch her in the face. Sike! I laugh and say I did my best, and she says it's all right. The big girls go into the studio. The baby crawls directly to the top of the metal stairs. I pick her up and return her to the play area (train table, plastic kitchen, LOTS OF FUN STUFF). I sit down to read my phone. She crawls back to the stairs. I then spend 45 minutes dragging her back to the play area repeatedly, though I do manage to answer some emails.
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ARE YOU STILL READING?
A woman gives me the stink-eye for checking my phone when I'm with the baby. "Shouldn't you be paying attention to your child?" she asks. I run through several snappy responses. By the time I have come up with the perfect one, she has moved on.
The ballet class is over all too soon. I drive through McDonald's, hoping nobody sees me, because I am addicted to their smoothies and also starving. We head back to my friend's house where I unload the big girls, then the car seat, then the baby. The girls run off to play and the baby stares at the other baby dubiously. I "help" my friend make lunch, mostly just eating everything she tries to put on the toddlers' plates. We feed the toddlers, then the babies. Then we clean up the floor under the high chairs. The toddlers fight over who gets to go in the bouncy swing, then fall apart emotionally. It is nap time.
We head home. My toddler has dropped her nap, so instead, she throws a tantrum because she is disappointed at having to leave her friend's house. I pull over, open the windows, and sit five feet away on the curb, waiting for her to calm down. If I had a cigarette, I would smoke it. I dream fondly of cigarettes. I come back to the car and ask, "Are you done?" She blinks and says, "Yeah. I done. I sowwy I scweaming and scweaming." The baby is asleep!
At home, I let the toddler watch two shows while I whisk the baby into bed without waking her. This is when I get a little bit of emailing done, though I do not have the energy to call anyone. I pay several bills and finally, finally make out a form to change something with the kids' medical coverage. I realize the bank has charged me fees for something and I spend 45 minutes arguing with them on the phone. I start marinating meat for dinner and realize we are out of rice and pasta.
The baby wakes. I nurse her. Then we're off to the grocery store. After returning eight bottles of ponzu sauce to the shelves, I wise up and give the toddler a pack of brightly-colored hair clips and she spends the rest of the trip placing them carefully all over her head.
A woman gives me the stink-eye because I have the toddler in the basket of the shopping cart while the baby rides in the baby seat. "That's unsafe," she tells me. "Well, I forgot my leash," I respond wearily, tucking a pack of toilet paper next to the toddler and taking a plastic bag out of the baby's mouth.
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When we are paying, the toddler asks to "boop this," and the checkout woman is remarkably patient about letting her push various buttons, then gives us some stickers. "Where are the rest of these hair clips?" she asks, as she rings them up. "Oh, you're wearing them all!" My toddler is proud.
I put the baby into the car first, and notice people looking with alarm at my toddler, alone in the cart. I hurry back and put her in the car before they call CPS on me. I load the groceries into the car. I roll the cart back to the corral, car-doors open, again worrying that someone will yell at me for leaving the girls alone.
I get a text from another friend -- can the toddler have a post-nap playdate? Sure! I drive to his house, which is stunningly beautiful and remarkably un-childproofed. I spend the next hour assisting the baby in walking up and down, up and down, up and down their wooden staircase as the older kids whip each other into a frenzied crescendo. I worry about the groceries in the car and when it's time to leave, I have to carry the toddler out because she's again upset about leaving her friend. More screaming ensues.
We arrive home. I unload the groceries. I set the baby at the foot of the stairs and watch her start up. I get the toddler, who agrees (for once) that she does not need uppies up the stairs. I unload the groceries. My husband texts: he is home and can carry them up. Thank effing god. I arrive at my door and am greeted by the dirty diaper bag. I do not even care.
Do you have friends who think you eat bon-bons and relax all day? Do you even bother trying to make them understand?
Image via P Pogo/Flickr
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This whole article rubs me the wrong way.
1. I have a hard time believing that many people in one day put down her parenting skills.
2. If you feel that stressed out, skip the play date. (I know, I know I am judgy.)
Re: Have we talked about this Mommy War article?
there have been similar articles if not the same one posted in the past....
and to this I say... Working Mothers do all the same things... just compressed into 6 hours instead of 16
Above Us Only Sky
Nothing like pouring fuel on the fire.
I'm with you. Skip the play date or the ballet class if you're overwhelmed.
My life is busy, but not overwhelming. I think it's because I don't leave the house unless I have to. Most of my busyness is because of the three kids under the age of five, having to cook all of our meals at home from scratch (because of allergies) and because I like doing things like gardening, baking my own bread, sewing, canning, etc. I realize that I can (and do) just drop some activities when I am overwhelmed.
But I also have time throughout the day to sit and check emails, blogs or the nest over a cup of tea while my kids nap or are entertaining themselves. I sometimes get to take my kids to the park to let them play and just enjoy time outside with them. There is a lot of relaxation mixed in with the busy.
I have the luxury of having the best of both worlds. I am a part-time SAHM and part-time WAHM (who also goes into the office for meetings). I feel like both worlds are equally exhausting in their own ways. I don't envy full-time working mothers, because I know how busy their mornings are getting ready for work and trying to get the kids taken care of too. I feel blessed only to have to worry about that twice a week. I also know full well the mental and physical exhaustion that comes from being stuck at home with no one but children all day long. Spending all day catering to the needs of children without another adult to have meaningful conversation with is exhausting.
Yes, I get to put my feet up and eat bon-bons every now and then while I'm at home with my kids. But usually I'm doing it while I'm reading a book to a toddler, nursing a baby, and waiting to change a diaper.
DD #1 passed away in January 2011 at 14 days old due to congenital heart disease
DD#2 lost in January 2012 at 23 weeks due to anhydramnios caused by a placental abruption
It is what I do best :-)
Above Us Only Sky
I wouldn't want to be friends with that lady anyway. Sheesh.
I've got Natalie sitting happily on my lap while I drink coffee and nest. Sure, some days are rough, but not every day.
Honestly, though, I hate the martyr olympics, including the "working moms have to do all that, and work." It's 8:15, and my house is already a wreck, because my kids have eaten, pulled out a ton of toys, etc. Meanwhile, the working Mom has to get herself dressed, kid fed, loaded up, dropped off, and arrive at work ready for the day. Both of these things present challenges, and I don't see why we can't acknowledge that without trying to one up each other.
<a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Home D
Ha. I don't think that will stop us from discussing it again. Mommy wars cannot be stopped.
I'll drink to that - as I'm at the office drinking tea and doing nothing productive while my sitter is at home dealing with my three wild monkeys. I know how hard it is, which is why I pay her to do it!
Random anecdote: yesterday my son had a stomach bug and when he wasn't throwing up, he was sleeping. Put aside, say, 90 minutes for vomit clean-up duty, and I basically had a solid 8 hours of peace and quiet in my house to do as I pleased.
Somehow I did not manage to find so little as 10 minutes to sit down and relax. I spent about five minutes wolfing down lunch; that was it. The rest of the time I was doing chores or tending to other necessary child- and household-related things.
It wasn't until my daughter came home from school that I realized this, and all I could think was, who the hell are these SAHMs that supposedly eat bon-bons and read movie magazines all day because apparently I'm doing it wrong.
I think I've read this before, and I'm convinced articles like this come from a place of unhappiness w/ the author's own choices. Otherwise, she wouldn't feel the need to justify her day or be a martyr about it.
Sure, there are days I want to jump off a cliff b/c I SAH w/ my kids. I imagine if I had a job, I'd feel the same way some days. Nothing in life is perfect at every moment. Choose what works best for you and your family, and for god's sake, OWN that choice and don't worry about what others think of it or try to make others feel bad for making a different choice.
I thought I read it before but couldn't be sure.
oh, i know. I guess I'm just tired, being a mom and all. Don't call or email me cuz I wont respond!
I think the OP is immature for getting annoyed that her friend doesn't have time to e-mail her back.
My friend gets annoyed that I don't call her as much, though when she calls I answer if at all possible and try to talk to her but then she gets annoyed that I'm not giving her 100% of my attention because I'm keeping DD from jumping off the couch, getting into the dog's water bowl, etc. If I try to call in the evening after I've gotten dinner done, DD in bed, etc. it means I don't get to spend as much time with DH (this friend talks for a minimum of 30 minutes, usually longer and is impossible to get off the phone) unless I cut out my very limited reading time to spend time with DH.
Quite frankly I'm am SOOO ready for just a half hour of peace and quiet by the time DD is in bed and I've spent some time with my husband that the last thing I want to do is talk on the phone with anyone. I can't call her during naps because she's at work.
I think it's less about WOH and SAH then parent and non-parent since the OP was about a woman without kids not understanding why her SAHM friend didn't have time to e-mail her.
Exactly! I mean how many of us are at work and on the Nest? Right this second! How many of us are SAHM and on the Nest? Right this second!
I hate these kinds of articles. I know we (i.e. humans) feel compelled to justify how our time is spent, but there really is no need to do that.
I always want to say "There, there. I'm OK. You're OK. Have a beer and CTFO."
I'm impressed you found the time to respond to this thread!
Fair enough. Being honest, this response used to upset me, now it just makes me laugh. Families who use day care almost always tout how great it is for their kids, how they learn socialization, pick up various skills, etc., and the corresponding Mommy War salvo that kids of SAH parents lag behind because of it. Then, if a SAH parent complains of being busy, which usually is because large chunks of their day is spent insuring their kids do get socialization, group interaction, and learning experiences, "WM's do everything SAHM do in less time!". It can't go both ways.
That said, I think the original article is over-the-top and crap. A big chunk of why DH stays at home is because overall we prefer a more relaxed lifestyle, although really it's nights and weekends where that comes out more. His day at home is a heck of a lot more hectic than mine at work.
Like PPs said, do what you're going to do and own it.
If you can't find five minutes to answer your friend's phone call or email or whatever, regardless of your life situation, either that friend isn't all that important to you or you're a self important douche who doesn't deserve friends.
This has nothing to do with the mommy wars debate at all.
Click me, click me!
Having been both a working mom and a stay at home mom, I've seen both sides of this. There are advantages and disadvantages to both. Both are hard. When you work, you do get a mental break - you're not doing the same thing alllll day long. You get to interact with adults and think about things that have nothing to do with diapers. You get to take time to surf the internet without someone physically hanging on top of you (don't underestimate how exhausting it can be to have someone physically hanging all over you all day long the way small children do). You get to go 8 hours without having to take someone else to the potty.
But, when you stay at home, you don't have to deal with bosses or office politics. You don't have to come home from work ready for a break and have an entirely new job waiting for you. You don't have to compress your whole errand-running into a small period of time (the same period where everyone else is doing it too). You don't have to worry about making doctors appointments during your lunch hour.
Everyone's situation is different. Some working moms have it fairly easy, some stay at home moms have it easy. Some working moms have it really hard, some stay at home moms have it really hard. And honestly, most moms, both working and SAH, are somewhere in between.
i'm just sad that the push towards being honest about stay at home AND work outside the home parenthood (i.e., that sometimes both blow chunks), which i think was--like 15 years ago--motivated from a good place of "it's okay not to have it all and to feel overwhelmed" has lead to this cold war escalation of hostilities where everyone has to show that they have it the worst.
how about "sometimes things in life suck, and kids sometimes make it worse because they're needy and irritating and other people will judge you."
The reason I dislike talking on the phone while my kids are awake is because it.never.fails. that they start throwing tantrums or fighting with one another the minute I begin to have an adult conversation that doesn't revolve around them. It happens whether I am on the phone or talking to another adult in person. So then I feel bad for the adult on the other end of the phone who has to deal with me saying, "hold on" every two minutes so I can send a kid to time-out or break up a fight over a stupid toy. I don't think anyone enjoys the constant interruptions.
You know I was starting to think that is was more like parent vs non parent after I read the above posters point.
She even says she was reading emails at ballet. Clearly it isn't that she can't read them. She just chooses not to respond. I guess I just find any over the top my life is so hard blog post to be annoying. I mean, my life is hectic as hell but there are at least 10 things I can do to change that but I choose not to make the change.
De lurking
That article brought back a ton of memories and I own my decision to be a SAHM but reading that gave me PTSD.LOL Now I'm on easy street because my kids are in 3rd and 1st grade (they are at school from 8:00-3:00) but this article, in my opinion, reflects pretty well what it's like to have a baby and a toddler and spend the entire day with them. There were a lot of great days too but I remember feeling pretty isolated and frazzled many days.
edited to add that I had plenty of time to respond to emails while they napped so I can't get with her on that point.
I agree with this, but also some friends are needy as hell and want to talk longer, 5-7 days a week and don't understand that they aren't as high up on the priority scale now, and when they do they take it personally.
Also, I know some people have multiple kids, but really once you don't have that baby who wakes up 2+ times a night anymore, your evenings and/or afternoons become a lot more open to doing things like periodic calls. I mean this isn't how ALL of parenthood goes - its just the baby phase that's the hard part for most situations. I hate how the 2 are so often lumped together.
While the baby phase is pretty tiring (DD just turned one and we're still up 2-3 times a night to nurse), I think it pales in comparison to the toddler phase. I'll take sleepless nights with a baby over toddlers any day. And if you have more than one toddler or small child, it's an entirely different can of worms, because you have to deal with two little people who can't communicate well and do nothing but pick on each other and fight all day long. When they are both physical boys it means you spend most days as a referree. When it's both a baby and two toddlers, it's insanity.
I'd like to think that once DD is sleeping through the night it will all be easier on me, but that isn't true. It will just mean one more toddler to chase around and keep out of trouble.
Plus, we homeschool, so there really isn't an age where I get a break.
I mean hard in terms of getting time where you are awake and they are asleep - not in terms of trying to get things done when they are awake.
I'll be totally honest: between this article and the pearl-clutching over the "girls" reference in the workplace, I'm ready to chuck my gender to the curb today.
Would everyone please get over themselves, live your life focused on the good and important stuff, and go have a fwcking cupcake.
I love my LO, but weekends are way more stressful and hectic, than weekdays.
But I have a stress free job where I have ample time to nest.
Hats off to SAHM, but TBH I never understood how hard it was until after I had DS.
Off to the beach
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