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Apologies To The Parents I Judged Four Years Ago
somewhat PCER:
To the Parents I Knew Four Years Ago: I'm Sorry
I have come to realize many things since having three children. For example, I now know that I can read "We're Going on a Bear Hunt" seven times in a row without going insane. No matter what people say, throw-up is throw-up and I don't care if it is my daughter who is throwing up but her throw-up makes me want to throw up. I am a really fast diaper changer. And it's true: love does not split, but grows with additional children.
But perhaps one of the biggest realizations I've made as a relatively new parent (my daughter turns 4 in March, my twin boys turn 2 in May) is how incredibly judgmental I was pre-children.
You, the woman at Kohl's who pushed a cart with your screaming toddler draped on the rack underneath it, ignoring her as she scraped her feet on the floor because she couldn't have the toy she wanted: I judged you.
Girlfriend with children who had Nick Jr. on the entire time I visited: I judged you.
Parent at the park who did not pack an organic, free-range, all-food-groups-represented, no-dessert lunch complete with sandwiches cut in cute little shapes, who instead fed your children chicken nuggets, cold French fries and (gasp) chocolate milk? I judged you.
Not out loud, of course. But internally, I was smug. I thought things like I would never have children who would behave in such a manner in public. Or, Doesn't she know the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends no TV until the age of 2? Or, How can he possibly be feeding his children that crap? Has he not read any of Michael Pollan's books?
And what's worse, now that I'm a parent, I realize internal smugness isn't so internal. As a parent, I know when I'm being judged. I can sense it, even when nothing is being said out loud. It's in the look. The double-take. The whisper to the companion they're with.
It's hard not to care about what other people think. But still, that quiet judgment can sting, especially on days when my nerves are shot and my children are in the worst moods -- a combination that often leads to a situation judge-worthy by many.
But now, as a parent, I do things judge-worthy even when my children are being good. Last Thursday is a perfect example: My son had a physical therapy appointment a good half-hour drive away. On the way back from the appointment both of my boys fell asleep -- we had eaten lunch out, complete with Oreo cookies and Popsicles for dessert, (judge!) after the appointment and it was close to their naptime. Of course they fell asleep. My daughter, however, who has long given up naps (!), was still awake.
When I pulled into my driveway, I had two choices: Wake up the boys and deal with their short tempers having only slept for 25 minutes, or sit in the van with them while they slept, bribing my daughter with apps on my iPod and promises of candy once inside if she would just sit and be quiet for a half hour longer (!). I chose option B without blinking. And I left the car running (!) the entire time.
When the boys woke up, they were furious because of the cricks in their necks -- thanks to the car seats we bought without good head support to the side simply because they were cheaper (!). My daughter was at her wit's end with being trapped in a car seat in a car that wasn't going anywhere just because I wanted some peace and quiet (!). I took everyone inside, plopped them on the couch, got out some gummy candy and turned on "Little Bear." Two episodes. (!!)
Pre-children: I was going to cloth diaper.
Post-children: I did with my daughter, sort of, but not with my twins.
Pre-children: No TV until age of 2 and then only 30 minutes a day.
Post-children: Ha.
Pre-children: Only organic, healthy, homemade food.
Post-children: My kids love Wendy's.
Pre-children: Public tantrums are unacceptable.
Post-children: Removal of the child is only sometimes doable; predicting when a tantrum is going to strike is often impossible.
Pre-children: Complaints about childrearing and its hardships annoyed me (this was your choice, no?) and saddened me (parenthood is supposed to be a wonderful thing!).
Post-children: Parenthood isn't wonderful 100 percent of the time.
My day-to-day routine isn't what I envisioned it would be four years ago. Some of the things I imagine I'm judged on now are minor, others, a little more major. But mostly they are simple faults and I now know that they don't make me a bad parent. Sometimes I leave dirty diapers on the changing table. My children's socks don't always match. I forget to brush my daughter's hair. I use TV as a way to take a breather. I utilize the fast-food drive-thru. I bribe. I'm sometimes too easy. I'm sometimes too hard. I sometimes make the wrong decision, give the wrong punishment, ask too much, ask too little. But within all these minor and major faults is a singular truth: Most days, I'm doing the best I can. And I honestly believe that's a truth that can be applied to most parents: Most days, we're all doing the best we can.
Because here's another realization I've made as a parent: Everyone's situation is different. There is a story behind every action and inaction. Every parent has his or her own style. Every child has his or her own temperament. What might be a stellar day for my family has been a downright awful day for another -- perhaps the parent's job is in danger, their parent is sick or they just had an argument with their spouse. Perhaps the child is failing math or being bullied at school, or the toddler hasn't slept for two weeks. This can explain the short-temper in the grocery store or the harsher-than-necessary punishment, or the lack of care when it comes to sweets or TV or a late bedtime. We don't know, can't know, someone's entire story.
That said, I believe there are absolutes in parenting so yes, sometimes, I still judge. (And I realize that the irony of this piece is that in writing about not judging others, I'm now judging those who judge.) I know that, for some, it's impossible to provide their children with life's basic necessities: food, clothing and shelter. But I believe we, as parents, must try. I believe we must do what we can to protect our children from harm. I believe we should always love our children, even when, especially when, we don't like their actions, we disagree with their decisions or we're just having a difficult day with them.
But everything else is minor. Everything else doesn't matter. There are children who are abused, who go to bed hungry, who have never known love, and four years ago I was judging the toddler who watched an hour of "Sesame Street"?
I feel bad about my pre-children smugness. I feel bad about the sting I may have, unknowingly, made another feel. I feel bad -- and laugh out loud at the thought -- that I, at one time, before I had children, believed I knew better. Parenting is difficult enough -- there's no reason we should judge one another, not for the things that don't matter, anyway, and not for the things we see a snippet of rather than knowing the full story.
So to the parents I knew four years ago, I'm sorry. I know better now.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kara-gebhart-uhl/mom-judgments_b_1319775.html
Re: Apologies To The Parents I Judged Four Years Ago
I don't know why anyone cares what someone else does with their kids (in terms of eating wendy's and watching tv).
However, if someone's kids are running around like maniacs in a restaurant while they, the parent, ignore the kids and keep eating, I will judge freely.
I think becoming a parent has been one of the most humbling experiences I can ever imagine. And the humility just keeps increasing with each child.
I often think about the ways I acted when I first had a baby and wonder how my mother and older sister, as well as other veteran mothers, tolerated my smugness. I'm sure there were many rolled eyes over the phone.
If I have more children I'm sure I'll look back at where I am now and think that some of my opinions and rules for my children are ridiculous as well.
You know, for the Wendy's or watching TV - I wouldn't call it a harsh judgement thing, but I think before people have kids you look at certain things like eating fast food or watching too much TV, and while you are not completely self-rightious in "judging," you look at these things quiet observation and add them to the list of things you are NEVER going to do. I know I did this. I never was like OMG - that's horrible, but I'd say to myself "when I have kids, I'm definately going to do X" or "I'll never do Y" - because it's fine for some other parent's child, but not for my imaginary, nameless, faceless, future kid. Then you have a child and reality sets in and you realize you knew nothing about your long list of do's and don'ts as far as practicality goes.
In less than one year, I probably can't name all the things I've said I was going to do, or not do, and have already tossed out the window without giving them a second though, other than "what the hell was I thinking when I made up all these perfect parenting rules for myself without knowing what parenting is all about."
Even the kids running around like maniacs thing - it was always on my "Don't" list as a childless person - it still is - but I can relate to how a set of parents who are exhausted and don't get out much might just tune-it-out to save their sanity. I can appreciate that they might not be allowing it to annoy everyone in sight, but once in a while might be too tired to deal with it. We're not at that point yet, but the only rule I know I'll stick to after only 1 year is "never say never." I don't think I'd judge this situation the same way now. Before I'd think that those parents let their kids run wild all the time and don't appreciate the importance of discipline, now I probably would feel bad for them and assume they were having "just one of those days."
I get what you are saying- on both topics- but I don't think there is ever an excuse to sit and enjoy a meal with your partner while your kids run around the restaurant being loud and causing a scene. (I saw this recently, and it was insane. The parents - or whomever were in charge - were laughing, talking and eating their meals while the kids they brought were being loud and literally running all over the restaurant.)
That's so freaking rude to everyone in the restaurant.
I know parents get tired. Been there. But when you're in a public place like that, you should be considerate of the other patrons.
I hope I'm not coming across as saying I'm always judging parents with loud unruly kids in public- I'm not. Most the time, I just think how glad I am it's not my kid! Ha.
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This is what I say all the time.
And lord knows my son has shamed me in more ways than I can count and mostly in public. Even when you think you have brought your A game they do something to make you feel like a quibbling idiot.
So yeah I can't even begin to judge anymore. And soon I will have two boys running around and I will further feel humbled by them lol.
Wait, so you got home and sat in the car with the car running. And your daughter was pissed that she was in a car that wasn't going anywhere.
Why didn't you just drive around?
Still judging.food blog | garden blog | curly dogs blog
JFC, why do people obsess on the restaurant thing? Don't get me wrong, I was guilty of it pre-kid. And I am still SUPER sensitive to how other people might be judging me now that I have a kid. But I also feel like people harp on how awful kids are in restaurants and on planes as though every.single.time it is the case. Or as though somehow their entire day/week/life was irreparably damaged by witnessing a tantrum or parents not doing exactly what the observer thinks they should be doing.
Last night we went to a restaurant - a very family friendly one, early in the evening. There were lots of kids. And my kid was 85% great. But he started getting squirrely toward the end and wanted to stand up on the booth seat and he spilled his milk. He started to cry and honestly - I just wanted to eat more than the 2 bites I had consumed and have more than the one sip of my beer. I could have immediately removed him from the restaurant, but I didn't.
And he calmed down in literally under 2 minutes.
So, to anyone whose precious 2 minutes were marred while I tried to eat my dinner, I profusely apologize.
Could the parents of guardians in your case have done more? Surely. But like the article said - who knows their backstory? Maybe they just wanted 5 minutes of conversation. OR maybe they really sucked as parents. Maybe they were just totally rude all around and their kids were wild beasts. But still, it was one dinner and like you said, at least it wasn't your kid.
I am a runner, knitter, scientist, DE-IVF veteran, and stage III colon cancer survivor.
Sitting in the driveway is a lot safer than driving around for no good reason. Also, TWINS. If you have twins, I'm not judging 95% of what you do.
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Yeah, I'm kind of over the whole "OHMIGOD! That kid is acting like a KID and they're ruining my delicious gourmet dinner." And I think a lot of the "this one time, at a restaurant" stories are grossly exaggerated. I'm trying to think the last time I remember seeing a kid who was completely totally out of control at a restaurant and the parents weren't doing anything about it. I have seen kids out of control, but most of the time, I see parents who are mortified and trying to grab the server to get the check, or taking turns shoveling food into their mouths at lightening speed while the other parents forcibly takes the kid outside away from other diners.
I'm sure it happens, that some kid is running around tossing wine glasses over and pulling the white linen table cloths out from under your $57.00 filet, but I think the much more frequent occurrence is a kid who accidentally tips over their lemonade and starts to cry inconsolably while you're eating a $7.99 pick-two at O'Charley's, in which case, I feel bad for the kid and his parents, and not so bad for you.
I still judge the shits out of people for their parenting. Just because I've changed doesn't mean that other parents aren't stupid.
That said, I have a ton more compassion for parents. If their kid is crying or throwing a tantrum somewhere, I don't give the dirty side eye anymore. If possible I try to let them see that I know they might not be able to control it and offer a smile and some help.
In fact, yesterday a lady at Panera was sitting across from me with a 17 month old boy in a high chair. She ran over to me frantically and grabbed all of my napkins b/c the little guy was dumping his milk everywhere. I struck up a conversation with her and went to get her some more napkins. The pre-mom me probably wouldn't have been as nice b/c I just didn't understand.
I eat almost exclusively at kid friendly places with a ton of other kids around. Not once in my four years of parenting have I seen a child totally acting out or unaware parents. Sure there are squawks, or cries or a kid breaks loose momentarily. But the parents always correct the situation.
I also think it is over emphasized. I like to think most parents are trying really hard and are not indifferent to how their kids act in public.
I will continue to judge the woman in target slowly strolling by with a cart filled with howler monkeys. They weren't upset or tantruming. They were merely engaged in a noise contest. And you could hear it across the store.
I turned to see what the noise was as she passed my aisle, anticipating actually being forgiving of a harried mom with a strung out toddler. Our eyes locked, I judged away. Judge judge judge.
STOP JUDGING ME!!!
Oh, I can assure you, the parents who let their kids run around like crazies in restaurants are out there. I'm related to some of them!
I guess what I should have just said is that I sometimes judge parents. Even now that I am a parent. And I am sure I get judged all the time. FTR, I also sometimes judge people who aren't parents.
Guess I'm just a meanie.
LOL
DD howls at the top of her lungs every day in the bike seat. Scares the shyt out of everyone we pass. But I'm too busy huffing and puffing up hills to tell her to stop and honestly it's outside so I don't care. It's a passing noise, I figure, like a siren.
DD is an absolute dream child and has never had a full blown tantrum at home much less outside, but even when she gets in her moods, I admittedly check out sometimes just from being tired of being on 24/7. I see how a mom of a couple of kids might just let them work off steam somewhere just for a second so her brain can right itself.
Just for a second, I can kind of get, especially outside. That shits went on long enough for me to get through my entire shopping list, including getting lost since they rearranged. She never shushed them. Glarejudgeglare.
As a mom this always drives me crazy when kids are making lots of noise in Target because I normally have gone to Target to escape my own loud child. I don't want to listen to other people's kids during my quiet time.
Yes to both epphd and SBP. Christ. This is coming from somebody who used to be SUPER judgy about kids b/c I taught special needs.
I don't care what your kids are eating or wearing or watching or whatever. So doesn't matter to me.
I judge moms who seem to genuinely hate it. I'm thinking of my SIL who has three 7 and under, and just hates. her. life. She's always tired or harried and is incredibly boring now. And she's self righteous and martyr-y about it. And that's directly different from a SAHM like KateAggie for example, who puts up FB messages about actually frustrating things, or funny things, or cute things about her kids, and then also updates about other things that happen in her life that don't include children.
But if your children are throwing rocks at Sibil and you're doing nothing, or they're yelling and shrieking in a non-Red Robin type place or playground for more than 10 minutes, Get that shiit under control.
Because it probably does happen more in aeroplanes and restaurants (and supermarkets) more than anywhere else. Where else do you get hungry AND tired children in a situation where the parents can't just leave and come back when everyone's calmer?
True to that. I actually told DH that story over the weekend because we were at a playground with gravel instead of sand, and Sam picked up a handful and dropped it on the ground. We were both immediately in his grill telling him that if he threw rocks, even once, we were on our way home, no questions asked.
So yeah, THAT I 100% agree with
But screaming at a playground - hell, that's the POINT of playgrounds. Get the screamies out.
I am a runner, knitter, scientist, DE-IVF veteran, and stage III colon cancer survivor.
Oh no, sorry. I meant that they can only scream in a Red Robin type restaurant or playground. Anywhere else is not my fave.
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